How much outside help do you get? Are my parents mean?

[Minkus]

DH and I both work, he full time outside the home me 4 days per week outside the home. I am main breadwinner and went back to work full time when DS was 9 months, dropped this to 34 hrs over 4 days though and he is now 2.10.

Our respective mums each occasionally babysit, say once each per month but nothing regular.

Whereas they help our sisters out a lot. My mum via baby sitting more frequently/ childcare in school holidays for lovely sis's/BIL's two, (mum and sis both work full time, mum only in term time though) and DH's mum by providing a lot of support to DH's sister and her husband and their two- childcare if SIL wants to go for haircut, picking eldest up from school occasionally, doing housework if SIL is feeling a bit low etc etc etc (SIL is SAHM).

I am ashamed to say it but I feel jealous. Nobody helps us. I don't even think its the fact that we don't get help, just that nobody seems to think we might find it hard work too sometimes, being a family, or ever says "gosh aren't you doing well managing it all on your own without breaking". (I don't really expect an award for coping with the lifestyle we have chosen, just a bit of recognition that there isn't a comparison to make, we don't "have it easy" and the others don't "have a hard time" as they're hardwork in their own ways.)

I'm starting to find it really difficult to be around my mum or MIL because MIL especially is always on about how hard SIL is finding it, being a mum and all. And my mum rarely offers words of encouragement even when she knows I'm struggling a bit. In fact mum lives 6 miles away and when ds was born, visited us in hospital and next contact was after a week. I always thought we were close.

Am I being petty? Something tells me I am but it's hard to ignore how I feel.

but should point out that when my dm does visit she babysits at least once

Haven't read the whole thread so apologies if I'm repeating, but it sounds like you're probably a good coper and make it look so easy, they don't realise you could do with some help. Have you tried either asking for help or telling them how hard you find it?

My parents are fantastic and I don't know what I'd do without them. I always feel like I owe them, although of course they don't want anything, so I try to be aware of friends who don't get the help I do and help them out instead. e.g I have a friend whose elderly mother is in a nursing home and whose in-laws live long way away, so I have her boys on the days I'm not working in the school hols.

fuck all none at all

But I understand the sibling envy - my sister has masses of financial help over the years because she is useless with money. Me and dh on the other hand have had none because we are responsible with money

If you are finding it hard to be around your own mother you need to do some straight talking with her. You and her clearly have different expectations of what is required.

I understand how you feel exactly. I have a younger sister and a SIL. I have two children, my sister has two, and my SIL is expecting her second. Mine are the oldest at 6 and 3. And my Mum and MIL are always going on about how hard it is for my sister and SIL. The other day my Mum rang up going on about how they had to look after my nephews becuase it is so hard to take a toddler and a baby to the doctor. Hmm, yes, Mum I know, I've done it.... I think it is as much the general attitude as the actual help TBH. But I don't think it does to dwell on it really - I occasionally mention to to DH who agrees totally with me, so it is not in my imagination.

Sorry was trying to strike that first bit out

pf we've had that too with PILs and SIL

Well nailpolish I need babysitting today because it is half term, I have run out of holidays and my childminder is on holiday. So a good friend is having DS, and also DD (who could have gone to nursery) because she is lovely and thought DD would like a trip out with her DD.

Oh and although DH has holidays left and actually took yesterday - he had to go away last night for work and work today.

none not a bitmy parents live a ten minute walk away lucky if i see them twice a month would never over any help

offer even

i agree its a nightmare during school hols

during school hols here i work weekends and dh works weekdays

its shit

I get no help whatsover,I understand how you must feel though.I think I would be jealous too.Could you ask for help?

I'm in a similar situation and you have my sympathies. I certainly don't think you're being petty. Everyone needs help in some way, whether that be from kindly relatives or paid outside help, and if you don't get it (because you can't afford it or don't have any willing family nearby), being a parent is even harder work.

I'd agree that you should ask them to help, though, because they are obviously available to give it. Tell them that you're struggling a bit at the moment and ask for something specific, then see if there's scope for making it a more regular arrangement.

It didn't work for me, but it might for you

as most posters have already suggested ask more help from grandparents and be specific with dates so its a solid arrangement.

My Mum lives 400 miles away so we only see her once every few months and she is great when she is here. And when I go and visit her she's totally on-hand for when I go out to see friends.

My ILs are an hour away and have visited us twice in the last year - we go down to them every few weeks although its tailing off as I get fed up doing all the travelling. They look after other (and geographically nearer) grandchildren.

out of everyone i know only my sister gets regular help,maybe thats how it is now, people living further apart. sad though.

No help, but we don't expect any. My parents and the in-laws work full time, they've brought up their own children and deserve a bit of rest and relaxation on their days off. It was our decision to have another baby.

I am happy that I dont rely on anyone apart from friends who I help in return, I would find it hard to stomach if a sibling was getting loads of support in any way and I wasnt. Human nature I think, but as others have said there is a compliment in there somewhere that you are capable, I am proud that I can do it on my own, with three kids and a dh who works away, my only family is a father who lives far away and has a young family who lean on me. Be proud that you can and are doing it.

you get babysitting once a month? i get it once a year for my birthday! you are lucky! it sounds like your sis/sil is bleating louder than you

Apologies, have not read all posts, but your situation is so similar to mine. SIL plays the victim, gets all the help she needs, always on the phone to my mum, and nothing she wants seems to be too much trouble.

We live 75 miles away and when my kids go and stay with my folks the SIL and her kids are always there too. So my kids get no 'me' time from their grandparents.

I am aware as I write this how petty it all sounds. But I am moving further and further away from my parents as I can't bear to hear, or see, or meet my SIL (and brother for that matter)

So I understand how you feel. And short of confronting everyone with your grievance, or priding yourselves on being the independent ones, I can't advise!

I didn't mean to do my original post and run! Got tied up with work and couldn't log back on. How unreasonable.

Thanks for all your posts, I think maybe I do give an impression that everything is fine even if its not (come from a long line of folks in denial about feelings!) so I will maybe try and ask for help a bit more.

But tbh, its not even the help that's important because in a way we do muddle through ok and haven't collapsed yet, I think its more about our parents recognising that we don't have it any easier (or harder though either) than my sister/sil families.

And we certainly don't expect help from our mums (both sets of parents divorced and dads either miles and miles away (his) or of the might-as-well-be-absent-even-if-you-do-only-live-5-miles-away-and-we-speak-every-3 months variety (mine))- just acknowledgement that life can be bloody hard work sometimes wouldn't be unwelcome. Maybe they think we live a charmed life because we don't go on all the time about the awfulness of things. (aparet from when I'm on here obviously!)

But someone's good advice on this thread was to stop brooding about it, which is what I'm going to try and do, although pretending that everything is fine even when it might not be is what got me into the situation (Maybe) in the first place. AAAAARGHH my head hurts

Thanks guys

Totally understand where you're coming from.
I am envious of families where I see little ones enjoying the park with their grandparents - fat chance in my family on either side.

MIL lives not too far away but doesn't drive and has reluctantly said she'll babysit ds but only at her house. Problem is her house is so unchildproofed and she isn't great at keeping a close eye on him. Plus by the time I drive there and back to pick him up/ drop him off it isn't worth it for the hour or so she'd cope with (she gets tired).

My parents live 4 hours drive away and work most of the year. They come to stay for a few days twice a year if we are lucky. They and MIL are very sweet to ds but no use in terms of proper help.

We rely on paid babysitters and are lucky to be able to afford that.

BUT I have to say maybe we should be grateful we have grandparents for our dc's at all even if they aren't much help as I know plenty of families where both sets of grandparents have all passed away and that's very sad. So I guess the bit of contact we get with the grandparents is better than nothing.

No help; I'm a sahm of 4. Mil not really up to it and my mother too far away - wouldnt really be up to it either tbh !

Sometimes pay my cleaner to babysit in the evenings.

When I'm rushed off my feet sometimes I wish, in the absence of family help, that I had somebody local occasionally to do the midday nursery pick up/give ds3 lunch etc. Though playdates can achieve the same end, obviously I need to have the other child over here in turn....

Mostly I manage but it's hard having nobody else to lean on sometimes.

my parents run their own business 2hrs drive away, 7 days a week. they rarely have time to see us, let alone help out in any way.

PIL are more hands on- they babysit if we ask, which isn't often, but we know they are there. I know if i needed anything and asked, they would oblidge.

tbh, i prefer not having the interference some people get from family 'helping' (ie, poking their nose in, hanging around etc)

Our balance is just right i think, although i'd love to see my parents more often.

I would get help if I lived near to either of them, but I don't. So dh and I have to get on with it by ourselves. Dh is off to India again for 5 days next week, ds will be inconsolable (and nope, no matter how often he is away poor ds can't get his head round it and wants his daddy). I often have to ferry both dc around to after school clubs etc and I don't drive, but I am used to it, so just get on with it.

But the flip side is when we go "home" to Scotland, dh and I have babysitters coming out of our ears, but thats because we are only there for a week, if we lived there permanently things would probably be entirely different and I know I would get peed off with my sil as she monopolises my pil.