Really finding 4 year old very difficult. Breaking point

[Heartofstrings]

I don't even know where to start. I hate him as much as I love him right now. I'm grieving for what I thought having him would be.

He's violent, impulsive, doesn't follow instructions, hurts his little brother, hurts me, doesn't play "properly". He pooed on his bed today. He's pooed on the table and also on the laminate floor (floor needed pulling up as it went in the cracks...it WAS quite old though). He doesnt sleep through. Finds it hard to drop off so we have to sit with him. If we leave him he escalates his behaviour and is very very distressed.
He rarely gives cuddles. Doesnt like kisses. Doesn't like singing. Music he likes if it meets his approval.
He pulls his hair out in chunks.

Yesterday at my mums was just awful. My husband spent his whole time trying to stop him destroying the place.

I cant even have a conversation on the phone while I have him or leave him and his brother alone unattended to put the washing away.

I'm a wreck. We are entitled to 15h preschool finding and if they close I don't know what I'll do. I didn't imagine life would be like this. I'm worn down and tired.

Ps he's actually 4 in 2 weeks

Great news about the poo issue 🎉

Once they have a good clear out, behaviour does improve - usually.

It does sound like he might be constipated op especially if he is going on the toilet sometimes. Has he consistently gone on the toilet before? If so it likely is constipation and he can't control it. It can be very confusing but look it up on the NHS website and ask your doctor, he may just need some medication.
Although doing it on the table rather than just in his pants etc is odd so perhaps I'm not right but definitely have it checked.

I'm beg to get concerned it might be a blockage. He had some awful poos today (both accidents), didn't go yesterday but today has been complaining of tummy ache.

The picture up thread of his hair...it was all eaten so we had to shave it

Telling off, Time out, and Consequences DONT tend to work on children with an ASC or ADHD.
Routine and other strategies mentioned above do help.
Reward charts are also pointless.
I've found....
Incontinence is an aspect of sensory issues as is constipation which leads to incontinence. It isn't disobedience or naughtiness or not listening; they genuinely cannot "feel" that they need to until too late, or hold on for sensory reasons.
It will get better, when you find out what is going on.

Thanks @Nettleskeins. We don't tend to "punish".

Do you think he withholds poo? It’s very common, especially in autistic kids/kids with sensory issues who don’t want to use the toilet, or who’ve had painful bowel movements in the past. Withholding causes blockages and encopresis - liquid poo that leaks out around the blockage.

Give your GP a call and ask for paediatric Movicol. It’s a stool softener. Generally you need some quite big doses over a week or so to clear out the bowel, then gradually reduce to a level that produces a soft poo every day.

Also highly recommend this website for all manner of poo, soiling and medication advice: www.thepoonurses.uk/