Really finding 4 year old very difficult. Breaking point

[Heartofstrings]

I don't even know where to start. I hate him as much as I love him right now. I'm grieving for what I thought having him would be.

He's violent, impulsive, doesn't follow instructions, hurts his little brother, hurts me, doesn't play "properly". He pooed on his bed today. He's pooed on the table and also on the laminate floor (floor needed pulling up as it went in the cracks...it WAS quite old though). He doesnt sleep through. Finds it hard to drop off so we have to sit with him. If we leave him he escalates his behaviour and is very very distressed.
He rarely gives cuddles. Doesnt like kisses. Doesn't like singing. Music he likes if it meets his approval.
He pulls his hair out in chunks.

Yesterday at my mums was just awful. My husband spent his whole time trying to stop him destroying the place.

I cant even have a conversation on the phone while I have him or leave him and his brother alone unattended to put the washing away.

I'm a wreck. We are entitled to 15h preschool finding and if they close I don't know what I'll do. I didn't imagine life would be like this. I'm worn down and tired.

Ps he's actually 4 in 2 weeks

Try a visual schedule of routine. Get up, toilet, breakfast, clean teeth, play, lunch etc etc.
We have one on the fridge for the week e.g. Monday is a photo of preschool, Saturday a photo of me at home with him. We point to and discuss it each morning.
Also, google social stories for when you have to do something out of routine. We used one for a Covid test recently and it really helped I think.
Baby steps. You and he will get there.

Can youtake some care of yourself Try a ten minute yoga or Headspace. I know this probably sounds like some pointless waffle but 10 minutes is like gold.

The preschool aren't trained to spot problems such as autism or other SEN, but they can fill in the questionnaire from their own perspective and the trained paediatricians will be able to interpret it. So don't worry that they say there isn't a problem - that's not their call to make.

Absolutely do the questionnaire. If it ends up being borderline due to his age, you can always do it again in a couple of years' time, but in the meantime the sooner you can access any specialist support, the better.

Get a copy of the book The Explosive Child. Ordinary discipline techniques are unlikely to work because this is not deliberate misbehaviour, it's lagging skills. Essentially, he can't help it - which doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

Another brilliant book is "Too loud, too bright, too fast, too tight"

He is not too you g for a diagnosis. BertieBotts is right that pre-school teachers aren’t trained to spot issues, but nonetheless, my best friend’s pre-school did exactly that for her son - referring him at age 2. A year later, after various consultations, discussions, tests and everything else, he had his diagnosis, and they were accessing a range of support.

I’d be surprised by (distrustful of) any paediatrician who says he’s ‘too young’.

To clarify - the preschool teachers didn’t refer themselves, they recommended a referral.

Pooing everywhere is disgusting. I feel for you. What a nightmare.

Do you have to change preschool?? If they say there are no issues, that obviously doesn't mean they are right, but it does suggest the environment suits him. Montessori (although not a magic solution) may be far calmer and less sensory overload than a mainstream preschool. Plus extra change might be best avoided?

Echo all the other comments - sounds as if there is more going on, you are doing great but need some proper support.

Have you spoken to your health visitor?

The preschool may not be helpful referral wise but if they are managing him well and he seems calm and happy, I would still prioritise that.

I wouldn't say that nearly 4 is too young, I know someone who has had a full assessment and diagnosis before the age of 3.

If you do suspect that ASC may be the issue then I would honestly start to implement some ASC strategies as soon as possible. Structure, routine and strong boundaries will be your friend. You and DH need to be singing from the same hymn sheet and be consistent otherwise the strategies will be pointless!

There is lots of information out there now, the national autistic society will have lots of information.

Just another thing I picked up in addition to my earlier post- the singing. Ds HATED singing, when I took him to toddler groups he would scream and scream everytime it was song time and I had to take him out. We could never have the radio on, never have any music on. I think it was just too much for him from a sensory point of view. He used to like complete silence! I could never take him anywhere in the buggy as he’d fall asleep whilst I walked and wake up screaming the min I stepped inside anywhere! It was awful. Now at 9 he doesn’t mind music or a bit of noise, he’ll never be “into” music but he doesn’t mind the radio on etc and even sometimes sings to something!

Also, the talking on the phone thing -
My ds was exactly the same and even now if I try and have a phone call he will start making noises / talking over it. I realise that with autism and some learning difficulty my son didn’t actually understand what the phone was and found it perplexing as to who / why I was talking and maybe even thought he should join in and just found it annoying.

All of these things are so common with asd.

@Heartofstrings

He has a paediatrician. We have an autism questionnaire to fill in. But preschool say they have no issues. The paediatrician is 50/50 as to whether we should be doing the assessment as he's still so young.

I'm in tears. Today I just really wish I never had him.

Dh has just gone upstairs. He's at the end of his tether also. He needed to walk away rather than get angry.

Time out doesnt work. Telling him off doesnt work. Removing toys doesnt work. He doesnt give a shit about any of it.

My DN was EXACTLY like this at home and school.He has a very, very high IQ and it was put down to overstimulation and boredom but nothing to do with autism. Has anyone ever explored this? His behaviour improved dramatically when he started being given more challenging work at home and school but he still has moments of shocking behaviour when he can’t control himself.

DS is kind of behind in his development. Poor fine and gross motor skills, can barely count past 5. Knows his colours, shapes and letter sounds but that's it. He's definitely not ahead.

It was 12 months ago when he was nearly 3 that the paediatrician said to wait. That said, he's a gastric specialist. He's now beginning to discuss referring him to the neuro team. He has also moved our next routine checkup from 6 monthly to 4 months.

Preschool were very condescending towards me with my concerns. Not at all emotionally supportive. They told me it was lack of boundaries. He also soiled himself regularly at the montesorri place. I don't feel comfortable sending him there. I do know the environment was good for him though

Sounds like it is a good idea to move him to a different preschool if the montesorri one wasn’t listening to your concerns. I can only echo what pp have said - you need to keep pushing for a referral as his behaviour doesn’t sound ‘normal’ for a 4 year old with no additional needs. It sounds so tough for you and your DH but hopefully once a diagnosis is in place things will start to look brighter x

I have a just turned 2 yr old who is very very tantrummy and an almost 4 yr old who is on the pathway for an autism diagnosis so I completely get how exhausted, stressed and beaten you must feel.

Definitely push for an assessment. It takes ages anyway so better to start ASAP and he isn’t too young at all.

You’ve had good advice already. I would say parent him as if he is autistic. The strategies used - routine, visuals, being aware of sensory needs, is good for all kids anyway.

Being the parent of an autistic kid is something you couldn’t get if you hadn’t been there - you end up reading about speech and language strategies, emotional regulation, occupational therapy strategies. It feels like there is a lot to learn and you can never do enough. You do your best. That is good enough. The most important thing is to have a loving and supportive family.

It is incredibly incredibly hard to live in the environment you are in (if it is anything like mine!) and stay calm. Looking after yourself is so important but I know how hard it is when you have no time. I have found the calm app really helpful - just doing a ten meditation when i can helps me.

There are lovely posters on the SEN boards who will give lots of advice and reading recommendations. Have a look at old threads.

And it is ok to be in tears, to wish you’d never had him. I understand. I have been there too as have lots of others. The feeling will pass. It’s an understandable emotion to a very stressful and difficult period.

Thank you all. I'm totally overwhelmed. Dh wants to increase his preschool hours to give us more space. He only does 15 hours.

I've found a really cute magnetic timetable on etsy. I imagine it'll end up on the floor but I'm going to try.

The new preschool said they would be asking why is he misbehaving/soiling himself rather than calling it parental boundaries. My youngest is a typical nearly 3 year old

Can I just say,children change and develop.Seems obvious but easy to lose sight of this.

You can also get special clothing, OP, for children with autism.

DD used to work in a day nursery and one little boy was a "smearer". He used to wear a belt that did up at the back and meant he couldn't take his trousers off.

You can also get the popper type vests (like baby ones) for older kids.

I think at 4yo, the thing is that you might not get a full set of answers. DS3 was in the system at preschool age, but ‘diagnosed’ as emotionally immature and discharged. He didn’t get a diagnosis until the end of year 3.

A change of preschool may help you. I can tell you we get a lot of kids who come up from preschool with very clear SEN, but nothing has been picked up. I don’t think they have the time or resource to pursue it. Find out who the SENCO is and have a chat. Take some video footage if you can get it without distressing your child.

Finally, I think you probably need to have a chat with your FIL, calmly, at a less overwhelming time. He just can’t talk like that in front of your son. Children with SEN often struggle with low self esteem, it doesn’t need reinforcing.

it does get better.

We have found weighted blankets are very helpful - both for the kids and me!

Mine (I have 3 who are not neurotypical) need exercise like dogs, regular feeding, and that’s about it. We have two rules which we try and stick to; “you have to be kind and you have to wear pants.” Everything else is up for negotiation.

I’d recommend that you start looking immediately at nurseries or child minders who have specialist experience in SEN. They will have seen all this before, hundreds of times.

Why is he under the gastro?

Thankfully DS wasnt close enough to hear what FIL said.

He has issues with both gluten and dairy. He's currently off both but potentially has coeliac disease.

I'll look into weighted blankets, thanks. I have a sensory chew thing and one of those body sock things. He loves both.

I'm just listening to the audiobook of the explosive child now

Hang in there OP. Keep talking. You’re not on your own and it sounds like you’re a brilliant mum.

Ah sorry OP, just saw your update about his current preschool. If the new one has more experience with SEN and you have a better feeling about them then that sounds positive.
Sounds like you have lots of good advice, and certainly plenty to be going on with!

I was up till 4am last night researching bits. Very tired this morning.

I've found a weighted blanket I like. I've also found a hammock swing thing that I think he will find soothjng.

I've decided the simplest routine I can implement is a strong morning routine with a checklist. I'm also going to set up little morning baskets with table activities for them to do each morning.

Husband has thought about food and cleaning up his diet. We used to be very hot on his diet.

Feels good to have a plan moving forward