Really finding 4 year old very difficult. Breaking point

[Heartofstrings]

I don't even know where to start. I hate him as much as I love him right now. I'm grieving for what I thought having him would be.

He's violent, impulsive, doesn't follow instructions, hurts his little brother, hurts me, doesn't play "properly". He pooed on his bed today. He's pooed on the table and also on the laminate floor (floor needed pulling up as it went in the cracks...it WAS quite old though). He doesnt sleep through. Finds it hard to drop off so we have to sit with him. If we leave him he escalates his behaviour and is very very distressed.
He rarely gives cuddles. Doesnt like kisses. Doesn't like singing. Music he likes if it meets his approval.
He pulls his hair out in chunks.

Yesterday at my mums was just awful. My husband spent his whole time trying to stop him destroying the place.

I cant even have a conversation on the phone while I have him or leave him and his brother alone unattended to put the washing away.

I'm a wreck. We are entitled to 15h preschool finding and if they close I don't know what I'll do. I didn't imagine life would be like this. I'm worn down and tired.

Ps he's actually 4 in 2 weeks

I think a lot of SEN kids use technology that way. The support services in our Borough turned out to be run by the local branch of MENCAP, which I would never have thought to look at as DD is able and in mainstream school. They have been helpful. It's important to find helpful help for sure.

You don't need help that makes you feel worse.

It’s absolutely NOT terrible parenting to let them regulate via a screen! Honestly, whatever gets you through!

We had a similar run in with Surestart - my volunteer was nice enough but her manager was an absolute dick and when the service ended, she said “we don’t think you need us anymore because it’s clear you’re not abusing them and we are happy about that.” I burst into tears and told my HV who went ballistic. You’re right, they seem to be geared to particular problems which are within the parent’s sphere, rather than tricky children.

Do you have a SEN nursery nearby?

My ds1 has ASD and went through a wrecking-ball phase at 3/4/5. Your posts resonate quite closely with me, though of course we can't diagnose online. He sounds overstimulated and anxious, which is to be expected if he is on the spectrum and with the right strategies it WILL get better. It won't always be like this! You sound much more competent, intuitive and generally-good-at-this than you think you are - you just need the right support - in my opinion there will probably need to be a diagnosis which will be a game-changer. I agree about using the recommended strategies for children with ASD, some of which you're already doing. My ds1 's ASD was "picked up" when he was abut 4 and his diagnosis happened at 6 - your boy isn't too young, so push for it. Sometimes you have to use your elbows a bit

It will get better, much MUCH better, once you know what you are dealing with, and a diagnosis will help you get the right support from schools etc as well. When my ds1 was 4 I remember being in floods of exhausted tears with bite marks all over my arms and the house looked like a bomb had gone off. He's currently revising fot his A-levels and deciding which of his university offers he fancies the most. If you'd told me ten years ago that he would come this far, I would have laughed in your face.

I've been able to tidy today which has made a massive difference. He usually hurts his younger brother every time I leave the room.

I feel awful to say this but I know i have the skills for him but my husband.really doesn't at the moment. He still is at the point that he thinks ds shouldn't be soiling himself or "throwing himself about" (meltdown). Husband is brilliant but totally out of his depth. Husband has them alone 4 afternoons and evenings a week while I work (preschool is in the mornings).

If you join all the relevant Facebook groups then you can look for some appropriate training on e.g. Zoom that your DH could also participate in (even if you secretly think he needs it more). Since I joined our local group and got on the Mencap mailing list locally there have been quite a few different things offered at low or no cost - mostly in the daytime though (which we can't do). The SENCO at school also sends things on sometimes.

I clash with my DH when he thinks DD's behaviour is something she does specifically to annoy us. Sometimes it probably is, but a lot of the time I think it's something she can't help.

I also meant to say that you are lucky in a way to have a more typical child to compare. We just have one and until she was diagnosed a few months ago had assumed we were just really crap at parenting...

Really good idea, thank you. I'll rope DH into some courses with me and look at mencap. The paediatrician pointed us to banardos but that is for kids age 5+

And actually, yes you're right, in many.ways the two year old is more.advanced. there's only 12 months between them

I'll put money on it that he has ASD. Good luck getting a diagnosis and support, it's very tough.

YY Phiney. 10 years between my two. I dithered on getting DS1 assessed (his problems aren't as severe) but once DS2 was a year old, the difference between them even as babies was staggering. They are now 12 and 2. Sometimes the 2yo is more independent and has more self control than the 12yo! Although he has matured a lot recently.

This is his hair. All self inflicted

Oh ouch!!

The hair looks so distressing. For that alone I would be really concerned.

💐💐 to you OP and your DH.

We are going through difficult times with our 5yo (delayed start to P1 - he starts school a few weeks before he turns 6yo). Took him over a year to toilet train. We still supervise him using a toilet. We use Alexa speaker to set toilet reminders. Could you try this with your son?

DS will see hospital paediatrician in the spring for assessment. I lost my temper on Christmas Eve and screamed at DS, asked my eldest to take him away from me. Was shaking in anger so went upstairs to calm down. Gave DS a cuddle and apologised later that day as I was wrong for behaving that way towards him). DH was at work. Felt overwhelmed by DS' behaviour. I understand what you are going through. DS doesn't follow instructions when asked. He laughs hysterically. Runs away when asked to use a toilet. Carries on a lot. Eldest (13yo) keeps asking if there's something wrong with DS.

Each day is a huge challenge. We have no family support nearby. DH and I have been giving each other respite when each of us gets overwhelmed.

Same as yourself OP, nursery don't see any outstanding issues within nursery setting. They think DS is fine.

I got DS assessed by continence nurse, she will phone in a few months to see how it's going. He has a repeat prescription for Laxido and we find that helps a lot with his toileting. He has a real urge to poo in the toilet.

You honestly are not alone out there. I read your post and most of it resonates with me.

More than chasing a diagnosis, I would focus on dealing with coping strategies that work for your DS for the here and now. Still get him assessed by a paediatrician, but for now you need the tools to manage his behaviour now today.

I agree with others - getting outdoors, even in pouring rain (in our case, weather not an issue as we all have waterproofs) and let them run free. Burn off excess energy. I would go insane without getting outdoors. DS needs this in his daily routine.

I don't think the fact that you have experience in education is really relevant here.
A paediatrician could have an ill child for example.
I would take what ever you can get right now, re engage with Sure Start.
Take what ever there is.
Get a cleaner, join a meal scheme...anything.

Agree. My background is irrelevant but home start (sorry I said sure start), just wanted me to go to their playgroup. I work during the session they offered and they weren't able to offer an alternative. They said I qualify for a home volunteer but weren't able to provide one.

We went for a walk this morning so that's a good start. To be fair, we go out most days

If you can try to push for a referral to continence nurse she can give you advice. They are brilliant. A gentle laxative might be all that's needed to help your son have the urge to go, using the toilet. We also use visual aids (egg timers - 1, 3 and 5 minute ones, easily bought through websites like Amazon) which helps a lot for any given activity. This was initially used for toileting, also we use for meal times, SaLT homework, etc. Some children just cope better knowing how long they have left at an activity, and what's expected of them.

Really glad you got out this morning heartofstrinfgs. We were out for 2hrs yesterday walking with the DC, felt so relieved to deal with everyone outdoors. They were all smashing the ice with wellies on. Whatever works!

Trying my best here to offer lots of practical tips. It's a tough time for lots of us, as routine has been turned on its head. DS keeps asking if it's a nursery day

OP, the hair thing is called trichotillamania and there’s a big association with ADHD and ocd. Put that on your DLA form for sure. I think if finances allow, you should get a private appointment with a paediatrician with an interest in ASD/ADHD as soon as possible. If they ask for a GP referral, push hard to book the appointment and then get the surgery to write, not the other way around. You need to see someone NOW. You’re looking at about £200 tops. They can assess, refer and hopefully think about medication too.

I think he has managed to clear the poo issue! Yesterday overnight he did a huge, disgusting, liquid poo in his nappy and then again yesterday morning. Today we had a poo in the toilet! Thank christ!!! Although he is generally prone to soiling himself but the multiple times a day was unusual for him.

Incidentally he's calmer today still after his blow out meltdown yesterday.

I've filled one application form. It's painful reading but at least it's done.

sent you a message@Heartofstrings

Well done! The forms are horrid but you only do them once. Make sure you take a screenshot of them before you send them.

Our special poo doctor said that “if you’re not sure if that’s all the poo, then it isn’t.” Often there’s a sort of hard impacted plug bit.