Any experiences with a 3.5-4 year age gap?

[secondorange]

Feeling a bit upset today. A bit of background, had a horrid time when DD was born and developed a bit of PTSD from it I think. A perfect (sh*t)storm happened when she was born, I developed PND before I gave birth, lost my job on an unrelated note, then DH was made redundant, major fallout with my parents and it's never been the same, DD had an urgent health issue, my gran died, on and on and on. From that time I said I was DONE, never again.

I've slowly come around to the idea of having another and have been in therapy over this for about a year. Long story short we've decided to go for baby #2 after being terrified and on the fence so long. I just wasn't ready before that.

Well we were originally aiming for a ~3y gap but I had difficulty getting pregnant. Then I had a MMC. Now we're back to square one and IF I conceive next month it'll be a 3y4m age gap. Which I'm not getting my hopes up for.

Feeling a bit depressed about this honestly, being on the fence hadn't helped but now I feel as if I've screwed this all up. Wish I could start over with a 2.5 year gap or something.

Wondering if my children will be playmates with one another with the 3.5 to 4 year gap (what it's looking like now) or if it will be more of a mentor/mentee type relationship?

Does anyone have this gap between two of your DCs or between you and a sibling, what is it like?

DD1 and DS1 have this age gap (another sibling in between who is still alive as well as one who has died). The two of them get on best of all a lot of the time.

There's 5 years between mine. They absolutely adore each other.

I have 2 children with a 4 year age gap and it's been lovely.
Eldest is mature enough to help me and can entertain herself when her sister is needing something. That really helped during the hours and hours of breastfeeding or when we needed a nap due to sleepless nights.
Eldest teaches youngest so much and helps her which is lovely. I can ask eldest to dress youngest while I'm in a rush for example.
They do play together with dolls etc and they also fight and argue like most children.

The only negative for us has been occasionally days out or activities need to be thought out more as obviously some stuff eldest can or wants to do is too old for youngest and visa versa (such as going to the cinema) but one of us just takes one child each and we mix it up with who we spend alone time with. There is also plenty of days out/activities that are suitable for all ages that we all do together.

We have a 3.5 age gap. They are 3 and 6 and get on really well most of the time.

I hope it’s ok! DS is 3.5 and I’m due next month! 🤞🤞🤞

4 year age gap here. They get on brilliantly and play together all the time. It may change as they get older but it’s been great for 5 years. They are the least argumentative of all the siblings I know. I think it’s down to the age gap plus they are both fairly easy going personalities.

Not got this age gap personally. But me and Dsis have a 2.5year age gap and we did not get on AT ALL growing up. We are too different and know exactly how to wind each other up.

However gap between my DDs is 7 year and for now absolutely adore each other.

It’s a very common gap. When ds started primary school absolutely loads of the other mums had babies in travel systems / prams at drop off. (So a 4.5 year old and a baby under 1).

Mine are currently 5 and almost 2, the gap is 3.5 years exactly. Both girls, and they adore each other. I found it a huge help the eldest being more independent and able to amuse/dress/use the loo herself while DD2 was newborn. And DD2 loves trying to copy her and join in play. They do get frustrated with each other at times but that's to be expected!

My feeling was, not to worry much about age gaps because an 'ideal' gap is no guarantee they'll get on well!!

You never can tell - my brother is 4 years and a few months older and hated the fact that I was born and ruined his perfect life as an only child - his words! I adored him but he was always vile to me and I only see him once a year as part of Christmas duty. My Mum on the other hand has a younger sister with the same gap and they couldn't be closer. Good luck!

We have a 4.5 year age gap between our two. Now aged 8 and 4. Works brilliantly so far for us, they get on really well most of the time and still play together. I know this will change as they get older though. There was 2.5 years between my brother and I and we've never really got on even as young children. Personality has a lot more influence, even looking at friends children, some get on and some don't no matter the age gap!

I have 3yrs 3 months between dc1+2 and 4yrs 8mths between dc2+3 and both gaps work really well for us and I wanted larger gaps as there was 18months between my sibling and I and it was too close and there was too much competition and jealousy. There was no real jealousy with my dc as dc1 was old enough to understand the baby and I really enjoyed special alone time with the baby when the eldest was at nursery (sadly not had as much of that with dc3 as she was born when CV hit and schools closed!).
My eldest is 9 now and they get on well most of the time playing together and on days out, though dc2 does wind up his sister
Another positive is no double buggy, eldest toilet trained and sleep trained and could help pass nappies etc. Found the baby stages very enjoyable and relatively calm. Less comparison and competition in school as its 3 school years.
They also do some of the same activities at the same time - swimming and gymnastics. Im sure things may change as they get older and they may grow apart, but that can happen with siblings of any age gap as its mostly personality-dependent!

I think there are pros and cons to any age gap and family size so it's best not to dwell on it too much. My DCousins are 3.5 years apart and are very close as adults, they have the closest relationship of any siblings I know.

DD and DS have a 4 year 11 month age gap and utterly adore one another. DD has barely left his side since the day he was born and is hugely protective of him. Regularly wake up to find DS1 (who shares a room with DS2) curled up in the bottom of DDs bed. She is always asking to share a room with him. They are inseparable and the best of friends. DS1 and DS2 have a 19 month age gap and constantly squabble.

We have a 4 year gap - I like it. When they were young, the older DC was old enough to understand a bit better, and also no need for a double buggy! They are older now and get on fairly well although they have their moments! There have been times when their interests are different/ their needs are a bit different and you need to juggle that. I also have siblings with that gap between them and they have always got on really well.

DB & I have a 3y 4m age gap & we got on pretty well as children. Drifted apart in our teens but are quite close as adults despite living on other sides of the country. That's not to say we didn't fight etc but we had some shared & some different interests so we could play together or apart.

There are 3y 9m between my DD (6) & DS (2.5). It should have been slightly less (3y) but I had a MMC in between. DD being older helped with her understanding of the situation & needs of DS but we did have a tough time with DD as she obviously felt displaced. It did take a while for that to settle. But her & DS do get on well, though the arguing has started now DS can do more himself. But that's normal sibling behaviour.
Good luck OP.

I have a 4 year gap between my 2 and its been awful right from the beginning.. They are now 22 and 18 years and we are all at breaking point. Turns out eldest never wanted a sibling. They are completely different in personality, ability and needs.

What I’ve seen from other families really big gaps work 7+ years better than mIddle sized gaps.

I had two boys 4 years apart. I didn't choose the age gap, but an ectopic pregnancy and two early miscarriages dictated the outcome.

However, looking back, it was probably better that way. DS1 was past all the difficult potty training, weaning and waking up during the night phases. He was very protective of his new baby brother and they have gotten along very well overall. DS1 is now 12 and finding his younger brother rather irritating but I think that would be the case no matter what the age gap! They do still have a very strong bond though.

Mine are exactly 3.5 years apart. They had their moments when they were smaller but started to get on really well by about 5 and 8.5. When DD could play properly!

Since DD started secondary school they've been really good friends.

Mine are four years and a month apart and it’s never been anything but lovely. They adore each other, they play together as well as separately. They scrap sometimes like all siblings do sometimes but I’ve been really happy with it as an age gap.

DS1 was in the preschool part of nursery when DS2 was born - he had his own life, doing his own activities etc. We made sure to have lots of activities and one on one time with him after the baby was born - made sure to balance out the ‘the baby needs’ stuff with ‘the baby can’t do so it will just be for you and me.’ He adored his brother from the get go.

My eldest was 3 years and 4months when youngest arrived. He loved bei v a big brother.... Literally wore the t shirt every day for 2 weeks... He enjoyed helping out with new sibling but having time apart while at nursery... No resentment at all...loved each other to bits.

They've got on really well until this lockdown when eldest... Yr6 at the time started to find youngest annoying as stuck together all day. Now both back at school, eldest at secondary they aren't as close but that's purely because eldest is practicing being a moody teenager.

Quite a few friends have same sibling gap and it generally seems to work well.
Good luck!

Pros and cons to any age gap, I have 4 years not by choice, DD12 & DS16, there have been times when they are close but DD feels like an only child now DS is becoming more independent with his friends, I’m hoping they will get close again as adults. The plus side was DD had more or less the same 1:1 time with me and did the same baby/toddler groups as DS had just started school so she was never the tag along baby.

I’ve got a 3y4m age gap between 2 &3 DCs, it was easy in regards to child management as 3yo understood needing to see to the baby. They get on but also fight as siblings do. They share a room and giggle all the time, they are 3 & 6yo now. I liked it as an age gap. Once the older one goes to school you will have a chance for 1 on 1 time with the younger (if you can).

I have almost 4 years to the day and it’s worked great for us and was quite intentional. I wanted to go back to work after DC1 and knew having a couple of years back would be good for career development and my mental health! also didn’t want to find us in the position of paying 2 nursery bills at the same time. What I think has really worked for us is I really enjoyed DC1 toddler years just us and by the time DC2 landed the oldest was settled in full time preschool so I then got the one on one time with DC2. The oldest had a good level of understanding about the baby when they arrived and were very happy to play independently/potty trained/sleeping well/good routine and DC2 just slipped into place. a smaller gap works for lots of people but it wouldn’t have worked for us, my 2 adore each other.

We have 3 year 9 months gap here. I think when you’re past the baby bit then it really depends on the nature of the children. Mine are both girls - the eldest is a nurturing, innocent sort and the youngest is much more robust and daring - so they are a perfect combination as they can find common ground on things to do. Had they been the other way around in birth order it would have been more difficult.

It also did DD1 good as she needed lots of attention, one to one, and I suspect would have been spoiled absolutely rotten by us on her own. With DD2 she's had to learn to share time and attention, and to realise that the world does not solely revolve around her and her whims. She's a more pleasant child because of it.

In terms of stages for that age gap I found first year with DD2 fine - she was very portable and I was on maternity leave when DD1 started school which was handy for the initial settling in. Also with the age gap I was able to do the same baby classes etc as I'd done with DD1, and we only had to pay for one set of childcare at a time.

If there are any cons, I suppose you are just getting out of the baby stage and you are launched back into it, you have to fit baby / toddler to older child's schedule rather than going with the flow, older children have small and deadly toys which baby can easily get hold of, and it can be hard to find activities that are age appropriate for both, as the little one grows into things just as the eldest tires of it.

That being said, I'm a huge fan of this gap. Mine are ten and six now so I can only speak up until this point, but they find each other hilarious, share a room through choice and although they bicker they are great friends. Try not to worry about the gap as there is nothing you can do about it, they come when they come, and they are who they are. Fingers crossed for you OP.