Any experiences with a 3.5-4 year age gap?

[secondorange]

Feeling a bit upset today. A bit of background, had a horrid time when DD was born and developed a bit of PTSD from it I think. A perfect (sh*t)storm happened when she was born, I developed PND before I gave birth, lost my job on an unrelated note, then DH was made redundant, major fallout with my parents and it's never been the same, DD had an urgent health issue, my gran died, on and on and on. From that time I said I was DONE, never again.

I've slowly come around to the idea of having another and have been in therapy over this for about a year. Long story short we've decided to go for baby #2 after being terrified and on the fence so long. I just wasn't ready before that.

Well we were originally aiming for a ~3y gap but I had difficulty getting pregnant. Then I had a MMC. Now we're back to square one and IF I conceive next month it'll be a 3y4m age gap. Which I'm not getting my hopes up for.

Feeling a bit depressed about this honestly, being on the fence hadn't helped but now I feel as if I've screwed this all up. Wish I could start over with a 2.5 year gap or something.

Wondering if my children will be playmates with one another with the 3.5 to 4 year gap (what it's looking like now) or if it will be more of a mentor/mentee type relationship?

Does anyone have this gap between two of your DCs or between you and a sibling, what is it like?

I'm planning for a 4-5year age gap.

Means i've been able to focus on my DD, and will be able to do the same with next as DD will be in school.

For me, i also needed time to get a couple of promotions in my career, we bought a bigger home etc.

I never wanted to be at home qith 2 small ones either

4 years 4 months between mine (older girl, younger boy) and they get on very well. Not in a playing together way, apart from the odd video game, but rub along well and talk to each other, have a laugh. It's all good!

I have a 3.5 year age gap for similar reasons to you.
It really depends on the personalities involved, I think. You just have to go for it. They can play nicely together but DC2 is the type to always push things too far and then they fall out and we start over again. They're very different children and DC2 has been hard work for all of us.
There are 18 months between me and my dB and we have a similar dynamic so it's not the age gap!

I have a 3.5 year age gap between my DD and DS. It wasn’t planned as I lost 2 to mc. It’s been mostly great. All the potty training, sleeping issues etc is out of they way. The older one helps gets nappies etc, can entertain themselves a bit and can mostly understand the concept on needing to wait.

We were able to use the same buggy as no double buggy required, same car seat, high chair. They were only at nursery the same time for 3 months. I had to double check the bill! I couldn’t believe how expensive it was.

They mostly get on and are starting to interact and play together more now DS is nearly 1 and a half. They do fight as the younger one tends to ‘ruin’ what the older one is doing. I hope it improves as they age. It really depends on personality as well.

I’m glad we do have 2 kids though. I find 2 easier than 1. DS was also a lot easier than DD as a baby.

Pros and cons.

I had a 2.5 year gap with my sister and we hated each other growing up, she’s my best friend now we are adults but didn’t get along for such a long time. I’m hoping for a 4 year gap between babies.

I've got a 4.5 year age gap between DD1 and DD2. I thought it would feel like starting all over again but it didn't. It was nice to have time with DD2 when DD1 was at school 😊

I was aiming for 3ish and ended up with a five year gap. I think there are pros and cons to all gaps tbh but all this negativity you get about longer gaps (which makes you feel like shit when you are ttc) it doesn’t really matter once they are here. Whatever the gap is, their personalities make all the difference.

Mine play lovely (7&2) and bicker as well. They will be at different stages when they get older but I think I’ll have more energy for each of these stages. It was amazing having a baby when DD1 was in full time school. You get to go to baby groups etc... get give them your full attention.

I have a 10 yo, 6yo & nearing 3 yo. I am also dur another next year. The larger gaps aren't what I first wanted but it's worked really well for us. Sometimes they fight but they are getting on pretty well. The youngest one brought the older two together as they found there were things they could do that the littlest wasn't allowed to.
I think that you make your gaps work for you.

DS1 and DD have a 3yr 5month gap (DS2 died at 27 weeks on the day he was born and dd was born 51 weeks later so not the gap of choice) however things were relatively easy when dd was born. DS1 was settled at nursery and fully potty trained and hadn't used the buggy for about 12 months.

There was no heavy duty childcare and DS1 on the whole was helpful and understanding. The gap also meant they didn't compete with each other although DS1 is alpha and sporty and dd is beta and musical and far more sensitive.

When I got back from Sainsburys on 23rd they were snuggled up on the sofa each with a straw in a J20. They are 26 and 22 .

The hard bit is they were never quite at the same stage. When DS was all for Thorpe Park, DD was happy with Legoland; when DD wanted to go to Postman Pat at the theatre; DS would have preferred Lord of The Rings. But there was little jealousy.

My brother and I have a 5 year age gap, we always played together and have stayed close even now as adults

I have 18 months between 1 and 2, then 3.5 years between 2 and 3.
Pros and cons to both. Currently the older 2 are far closer to each other but they’re both girls (third is a boy), aged 7 and 5 (youngest isn’t yet 2) and are best friends. However, the small age gap nearly killed me in the first year. It was fucking awful.
When I had number 3 it was far far easier with the bigger gap. 3.5 year old was at pre school and I was old enough to understand that she sometimes had to wait for things when I was feeding etc. I’m hoping as they all get older numbers 1 and 2 will become closer to number 3!

We have a 3yr 5month age gap between girls. It took until dd2 was 2.5 before they played well together but now they're as thick as thieves. DH and I actually sat and read books in the living room while they were pulling all the pillows and duvets into a pile in the bedrooms (DD2 is 3 now).

DD2 is into board games and very happy playing with us. She was helping DD1 find the right Lego pieces today. (They do wind each other up too).

Mine have just under 4 years between them. When I had dd2, dd1 was old enough to be reasonably independent and useful eg going to the loo herself, playing, getting things etc if I was stuck with the baby. She could be reasoned with and understood why I was with the baby better and loved helping out. Now they are 4 and 8 and play well together. They fall out like all sibs but love each other so much. I wanted a 3 Yr gap but 2 miscarriages stopped that and I got pregnant with dd2 when I had just made my peace with having one. It's worked well for us even though it wasn't the original plan.

You are worrying too much about things that in the great scheme of things will work out in the end. Don't put pressure on yourself. My second child and first have a 6 year age gap. It's not ideal but I wouldn't change the fact I have two children for the world. Things have a way of working out. Relax and go with it.

There's 3 years between our two, they play well together. I couldn't have handled a newborn when DS was in his 2.5 year old crashing about toddler stage. He never sat still, at all, had no fear.

There are 4 years between my two girls. I had severe PND first time around.Nd so it took me a while to have another child. eldest is now 7 and youngest will be three soon.
They get on great most of the time, and the eldest helps little one to brush her teeth, go to the toilet etc.
However when younger child was born it was a little tricky as I was struggling to breastfeed and was always trying to pump when the eldest wanted to have my attention and I struggled to juggle it all. But we moved past it.

4 years gap here and they are still best mates at 10 and 14. It was great when they were little, they were into different things around 7 and 11 so the gap felt bigger, but their interests have become more similar again now. 4 years really isn't starting again, they are definitely peers

DS was born a week before DDs 4th bday
She was very helpful and could fetch me things if I was feeding him etc and was safe to be left alone with him briefly, plus she really mothered him. He was a bit of an “angry” baby and she could calm him down pretty easily. He absolutely adored her, and probably still does.
There was some jealousy though and these days she mainly finds him irritating (age 16 and 12) but they do watch anime together sometimes and she’s taking him into town to spend their Xmas money.
The age gap worked for us

Don’t worry op, that kind of age gap will be lovely. It’s probably good for your mental health to have a bigger gap if you’re susceptible to pnd as they’ll be easier to manage. Also all you hear on mumsnet is people complaining about their 2/2.5 year age gap.

We were aiming for a 3-4 year age gap, so that we wouldn’t be paying 2 x nursery fees at once. DD is 3.10 older than DS.

It’s had its ups and downs but overall it’s been positive so far (now 1.7 and 5.4) and at the moment they will play together relatively well.

I think there are pros and cons to any age gap, this one is no better or worse than any other 😊

Your story is so, so similar to mine! I have an almost 4.5 year age gap (both same sex). I think age gaps and the impact vary, and every age gap has its advantages.

Advantages:

• time with DC2 when DC1 is at school.

• DC1 is much more independent than, say, a toddler, although we’ve had some big regressions at times this year (see below). He can “help” and can also go to the toilet, partly dress himself, etc.

• Massively spaces out the cost of childcare.

• DC1 has more understanding than, say, a young toddler, eg “I can’t play now but let’s get the baby to sleep and then I can”

• I think in some ways it reduces rivalry.

Disadvantages for us were:

• it really felt like going back and starting again: while it has been wonderful having a tiny baby again, there are a lot of things we’d started to find a lot easier.

• DC1 is old enough to remember life without a sibling. His world has been rocked this year by a new sibling followed by Covid and all that has entailed, and that has had a real impact on him. It’s difficult to separate what is due to the sibling and what’s due to Covid, but this has not been a great year for him - I think with one of those things, it would have been rocky but more manageable.

• they are at very different stages and it can feel difficult to meet their needs. A lot of the time, the baby will sit in his buggy and just watch the older one/what’s going on while we do something of interest to the older one. But at home, it can be awkward - the younger one is very mobile and the older one just wants to play with non-baby-friendly stuff.

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage . There's 3.5 years between me and my brother and we're really close but not competitive - I think it's a lovely age gap. It's actually the one I wanted (I guess I had in my head from childhood that it's the 'right' gap) but we expected DC2 to take longer than it did (I'd suffered from recurrent miscarriages before DC1 and assumed it would take a long time and more losses to have another) so ours is a bit smaller.

Just under 3 1/2 years between my dc, hoped for a smaller gap, but this is perfect. They play so well together and are so fond of each other. Most of the time... I don't think the big one will ever really get over being replaced as my baby and lodges a complaint at least once a day that her brother getting too much of my attention.

There's 2.5 years between me and my sister and we fought a lot when we were little. We're not particularly close as adults.

There's 4.5 years between my DC. They bicker CONSTANTLY but I'm convinced that's more a clash of personalities rather than an age thing.

They do have outbreaks of kindness, where you can see they're actually really fond of each other. I hope they'll grow our of the arguing at some point.

FWIW I went to school with a pair of identical twins who hated each other.

Being close in age doesn't mean they'll get along, personality is more important IMO.

There are pros and cons to every age. Two pros to a bigger age gap are that you can give your younger DC more attention as your elder will be at school etc and, if you're at home some of the time, then your youngest will get your undivided attention - something many younger siblings never experience.

And also, it's REALLY hard work to look after two very young DC. The older the first is, the easier it is to communicate with them, which makes a huge difference.

You really haven't screwed anything up by not rushing into a second, I promise! And you need to be prepared, you may not get pregnant for a while. Stressing over it won't help, sadly. Give yourself a break and let go of what you think it "should" be like. My DC aren't anything like I imagined them but I wouldn't change them for the world!

Mine are 3y3m apart and currently 6 and a few months off 3.

It's always worked great. DC1 was out of nappies and the buggy when DC2 arrived and was old enough not to have an attack of insecurity and competitiveness at the arrival. They've played together surprisingly well since DC2 was about 18 months, and have a lot of fun. They also fight and argue. But I think it's a good gap.