3 year old dreadful, failed as a parent

[Xansaf]

I don’t know what to do with my 3 year old anymore. Until a few months ago I thought we were doing ok but it’s getting worse and worse. I’m looking for what I can do to tackle this. I know the root cause is me being a crap mum.

She will not remember her manners. We have to prompt her for please and thank you all the time and says she doesn’t know how to ask nicely. She does and we model it all the time. She just won’t.

She’s majorly defiant. Ask her to do something and she’ll do the exact opposite just to be spiteful.

The worst thing is just her general bratty attitude. Half the time her only answer to anything is a horrible “NO” and when the slightest thing doesn’t go her way she either goes into a sulk and says for example “I’m never playing with that toy ever again!” or flies into a raging tantrum.

We’ve tried naughty corner, reasoning with her, consequences, rewards, modelling what we want of her and nothing works. When it comes to discipline she does not care. About anything. The only thing we can do is try to avoid setting her off but we’re constantly walking on eggshells if we do that. And half the time it’s something out of our control, like her piece of paper moved whilst she was drawing.

I know a lot of you probably have never had these issues and I’m well aware it’s due to my bad parenting so if that’s your input please do scroll by.

As an addendum we’ve had no complaints from school so I think she’s ok there.

Try the book " How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk", there are some really good strategies in there which I still use on my tweens!

She's 3. All that is normal. Make jokes about it with her, make her laugh. It's a phase.

Doesn’t sound like your parenting tbh, you’ve tried the obvious things.

I sent myself on a parenting course recently which gave me some new tools. Teenager, so not relevant for your dd but something similar might boost your confidence.

Well stop being scared of her tantrums and bad behaviour for a start. You do not have to walk on eggshells- that is letting her control you.
If she starts tell her calmly that you don’t want to hear that so she can stop or go somewhere else to do it. If she carries on either remove her or yourself. You don’t have to tolerate it.
The manners thing is simple. She refuses then she goes without - her choice. Don’t be afraid to enforce that in front of other people either. And when she kicks off - see above advice.
I work in a nursery. There are kids who try this sort of thing on - we just make the boundaries very tight. Oh and we don’t engage at all with tantrums or drama.

She will not remember her manners. We have to prompt her for please and thank you all the time and says she doesn’t know how to ask nicely. She does and we model it all the time. She just won’t.

She’s majorly defiant. Ask her to do something and she’ll do the exact opposite just to be spiteful.

The worst thing is just her general bratty attitude. Half the time her only answer to anything is a horrible “NO” and when the slightest thing doesn’t go her way she either goes into a sulk and says for example “I’m never playing with that toy ever again!” or flies into a raging tantrum. *
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Isn't this just what 3 year olds are like? Stand firm with the discipline and they'll come out the other end. Age 3 was worse than 2 for both of mine. I think it's because they're learning so much about the world but don't have the maturity to deal with the emotions their new knowledge brings.

My son was a horrible 3 year old but is a lovely, funny 4 year old! Genuinely could have given him away for free in many occasions last year but over the last few months he has really blossomed!

She’s THREE! A threenager.
BUT you’re going to have to stop tiptoeing around her. When she’s having a temper or starts getting too bolshy, you need to be firmer. Go to her eye level and speak firmly and calmly (damn that’s difficult, I know), try not to raise your voice and use short sentences “no, we DON’T do that”. I would still use a time-out....3 minutes on the step or chair, then a tiny little chat and she apologises (a sorry then a hug).
But you need to be the “boss”. Good luck!

My local council is doing free online parenting courses, you could look into these. I know this because my oldest child has plenty of issues. You are not alone.

Some children are harder work, don't blame yourself or her (she didn't ask to be born that way). You might find the book 'Raising your Spirited Child' useful both in terms of better understanding your child and in terms of your own behaviour. It may seem as though stricter discipline is the only way, but not all children will respond to this and it may damage your relationship and stop you enjoying each other's company.

Also, at the young age of 3, I would forget about the manners and just model the behaviour you want, and say please and thank you on her behalf when needed. She will eventually pick it up.

She sounds like my DD and I'm sure we've parented completely differently and still ended up with the same child. At 4 and a half she is only just getting slightly better, I agree some children are just harder work than others. (Hoping the next one is easier please god )

You sound stressful

What the SupetNanny video's on YouTube.
She made sense, about having to just keep an it till they realise you mean it.
Been doing it to my teenager, and shock horror it works.

You're overestimating her abilities. She's 3. I struggle with my 3 year old too as his personality is much different to his 5 year old sister who is and was an angel!

It might just be you are venting but you do sound a bit like you let her naughtiness influence your feelings toward her. You just need to roll with her personality a bit more, and identify her triggers so you can make the days smoother for yourself. It is hard having a wilful child but you have to focus in the positives as they just develop differently. As long as you are calmly steering them in the right direction behaviour and empathy wise then you are doing the right thing. I have not always been calm and patient with my boy which I regret but he was 3 in November and is really starting to mellow out as his communication and expression improve. You will get there and she may be a difficult 3 year old but a wonderful 4 year old :)

Stop trying to stop her having tantrums, its a developmental phase and completely normal.
Set your values/ family rules and enforce them in a firm but gentle way.
If she says she doesnt know how to say please/ thank you then say you will show her.
Still doesnt then nope she doesnt get whatever it is.
Throws tantrum, ignore and keep calm.
Throws toys then remove them.
No begging, pleading or bribing.
As for the " horrible no"
Ask questions which dont have a no answer or dont ask questions at all
Its genius !
Would you like toast or cereal rather than would you like toast ?
We are going to put our coats on ( and do it) rather than please put your coat on .
HV taught me that and it was the best tip Ive ever had.

We've got one like this. He's 6 now and soooo much easier. Read up on pathological demand avoidance. Lots of strategies especially around 'managing transitions' bloody exhausting but we never do anything without a 5 or 3 mins warning in a low voice and visual timers in every room so he can see the minutes counting down. Even simple things like 'in 5 mins I'm going to call you to the table for lunch', rather than just shouting 'lunchtime' and getting intense resistance.

Not bad parenting. Just a 3 year old doing their 3 year old thing. Ours is nearly 4 And has just stared to become more reasonable. At times though I found myself feeling pretty down/hopeless/trapped!

Keep doing what your doing you’ll get through it.. just like waiting for them to sleep through etc...

My daughter went through this age 3-4.5 (and I've heard from a lot of other parents of daughters they went through a similar phase at this age ) - this defiant - I don't give a shit what you say or do or how you discipline - attitude - it's like living with how I imagine a hormonal teenage girl would be 🤣. We even got door slamming and refusals to come out of her room because in her words "I'm sulking".

At the time I felt like a terrible parent but she has very much settled down now - definitely improved once at ore school/school

I promise you will come out the other side! So you can prepare for when she hits 15!

A couple of things.

Is she your only child? If not, what age are her siblings?

Is yours a multi-lingual family. Something about the way you post suggests English is your second language. (Apologies if not).

Nothing you’ve described sounds awful, usual 3yr old stuff. My three year old just went to bed “angry” because I took her up and not daddy -
“I’m angry”- fold of arms and a sulk
“That’s ok, you feel angry. Night night”

Threenagers push boundaries and unleash emotion - it will get better

Exactly what @JingleFails said.

What you’ve described isn’t unusual. It’s also very common for children to behave worse at home than in a childcare setting. Testing your boundaries shows they are secure in your affection and trust that your boundaries will exist and that they are safe to explore them. It’s how they learn about the world and eventually how to regulate their behaviour. Don’t let it upset you, or it’ll affect how you parent (and not in a good way).

My DS is 3 and is pretty much the same.

I do find it extremely odd that the first example of bad behaviour that you gave was not saying please and thank you! How bizarre. We encourage DS to say please and thank you, and often he does, but at the age of 3 it's really no big deal if they don't remember to say it. However, DS will sometimes demand something rudely. Is that what you mean?

I have no magic solutions, I've been trying various recommended techniques, and things that worked before, but they don't always work. Like PPs said, I think it's just a phase they go through, and you have to stand firm, and try and be as calm and consistent as possible.

In our case I think DS is trying to assert his autonomy, he wants control and gets very angry or upset when things don't go his way. So I think it's really important to pick your battles otherwise EVERYTHING becomes a battle and it's just exhausting.

I've had some success with being playful (eg make toothbrush or clothes talk in a silly voice and beg to be used) and with a visual timer (eg to show how much TV time he can have before we turn it off).

In terms of parenting resources I recommend "How to talk so little kids will listen" (this is the book that's more aimed at younger children) and ahaparenting.com which has some helpful articles.

@wincarwoo

She's 3. All that is normal. Make jokes about it with her, make her laugh. It's a phase.

Agree with this completely. Hang in there OP

"My daughter went through this age 3-4.5 (and I've heard from a lot of other parents of daughters they went through a similar phase at this age ) - this defiant - I don't give a shit what you say or do or how you discipline - attitude - it's like living with how I imagine a hormonal teenage girl would be"

What on earth does their sex have to do with it?!

@buckleten

Try the book " How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk", there are some really good strategies in there which I still use on my tweens!

This book is great.

She just sounds like an average 3 year old learning how to deal with overwhelming emotions.

All completely normal! Dd1 was a horrible toddler. We had tantrums, foot stomping, door slamming, everything. She’s a lot easier now at 7.

Dd2 is 3. She is strong willed like her sister and still does all the above but she is better behaved than her sister was!