3 year old dreadful, failed as a parent

[Xansaf]

I don’t know what to do with my 3 year old anymore. Until a few months ago I thought we were doing ok but it’s getting worse and worse. I’m looking for what I can do to tackle this. I know the root cause is me being a crap mum.

She will not remember her manners. We have to prompt her for please and thank you all the time and says she doesn’t know how to ask nicely. She does and we model it all the time. She just won’t.

She’s majorly defiant. Ask her to do something and she’ll do the exact opposite just to be spiteful.

The worst thing is just her general bratty attitude. Half the time her only answer to anything is a horrible “NO” and when the slightest thing doesn’t go her way she either goes into a sulk and says for example “I’m never playing with that toy ever again!” or flies into a raging tantrum.

We’ve tried naughty corner, reasoning with her, consequences, rewards, modelling what we want of her and nothing works. When it comes to discipline she does not care. About anything. The only thing we can do is try to avoid setting her off but we’re constantly walking on eggshells if we do that. And half the time it’s something out of our control, like her piece of paper moved whilst she was drawing.

I know a lot of you probably have never had these issues and I’m well aware it’s due to my bad parenting so if that’s your input please do scroll by.

As an addendum we’ve had no complaints from school so I think she’s ok there.

Thank you for the responses so far. I have read all of them. I know some of you have asked questions or raised something I want to respond to but I’ll be honest, I’m just goosed right now so I’ll come back tomorrow and try to reply more fully but for now I want to thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart for reading and responding.

@tara66

She is not the problem - you are.

Helpful

Every parent has had these issues because you have a perfectly normal 3 year old.

Your problem isnt that your bad parenting has caused this behaviour your issue is that you have far too high expectations of what you expect of her.

I suggest a parenting course would be useful alongside proper expectations of what she should be like so you can change your completely unrealistic ideas of what she should be like.

My 3 yr old is going through a threenager stage at the moment - foot stamping, shouting no, whinging etc. Even the odd swipe. All stuff he’s never done before, even during the “terrible 2s”. Not to mention the silliness - loud fake laughs, potty words “poo poo, bum bum”, general gibberish 🙄 Less tantrums though thankfully.

I’m ignoring the silliness unless it’s gone on too long but I’m clamping down on the ride behaviour. Eventually I got so fed up with the back chat that I advised him he would get a warning and if he continued, he would lose a train for the rest of the day. So far, I’ve only had to follow through once (when he took a swipe at me after I warned him not to shout and foot stamp). It clearly had an impact. He’s not perfect but his behaviour has markedly improved and he takes more notice of warnings (I don’t even use the train confiscation as a threat as I don’t want to do that all the time, I just make it clear that it’s a formal warning and he needs to change his behaviour. I’m sure he remembers the consequence though). Just sharing what has helped a bit for us.

Also, boredom and an excess of energy is definitely a factor in the current circumstances. His behaviour is much better if he’s been outside and worn out, although lockdown plus winter weather makes that challenging!

"boredom and an excess of energy is definitely a factor in the current circumstances"

YY. I have a 3 month old baby too and can't always give DS my full attention, which doesn't help either.

Also agree with handing them some control. For example, we used to get tantrums when it was time to turn off the tv and go for bath. So now we give very clear expectations “you can’t watch two Paw Patrol, then it’s bath time”. Then at the start of the second episode “remember, this is the last one, then it’s bath time”. Then at the end, hand him the remote and say “ok, bath time now”. Letting HIM be the one to turn the tv was a game changer, because he felt he was in control.

@NameChange30 Six week old baby here that currently won’t let me put him down, which makes entertaining the 3 yr old indoors really difficult! I officially do not have enough arms.

@FizzingWhizzbee123
Thank god for preschool, that's all I can say!

What's she like with other people/at nursery?

My 3 year old is just so awkward about everything at home - will literally do the opposite of everything she is asked, she tantrums, she bites - and yet is a meek little lamb at school

You haven’t failed. She’s 3, so she’s pushing boundaries and discovering her personality.

2/3 is the hardest age in my opinion my little girls once screamed all day for 7 hours straight: she is a little ray of sunshine now (almost 4)

@NameChange30 Tell me about it! We just got moved to Tier 4 and my first question wasn’t about Christmas, it was “are the nurseries still open?!” 🤣 To be fair, he needs it as much as me. I’m so relieved he’s getting social interaction and activities there. But yeah, I’m not gonna lie, I need the break too!

Sounds like a three year old.

Not easy though. I had a nervous breakdown after the threes and fours so I can attest to that.

What worked for me, on some small basis, was routine until it was coming out of our ears. They like things really predictable even if they aren't.

They're learning about emotions now too, have you heard of emotional coaching? Really was wonderful for mine. They're all over the place because they haven't learned how to regulate their emotions yet, they don't even understand it themselves why they might be acting out, so we help them learn and with that comes better behaviour.

Expectations. Make sure they are realistic. Kids aren't like mini adults, so sometimes our expectations are too high (expecting them to react or think the same way we do) or even too low (not expecting them to understand certain things they do). Our frustration because of those expectations often exacerbate their behaviour because they don't understand why they feel the way they do, never mind why mummy or daddy is suddenly cross or upset.

How far in to 3 is she? We definitely struggled with DS between 3 and about 3.5, honestly an absolute nightmare! He started school nursery in September, is 4 this week and he's like a different child, his behaviour is so much better and it's actually enjoyable being around him rather than trying to navigate being kicked and punched in anger!

I've put it down to needing the extra stimulation, private nursery/lockdown just wasn't cutting it, he's being challenged and the amount he's come
on in just a few weeks is amazing! The only time he's a little bugger now is when he's shattered (obviously there's other blips too, he is still little after !)

Thanks again for the input, I appreciate it!

Thank you for the book suggestions to all of you who have posted titles to try. I’ll certainly look at those. I steadfastly refused to read any baby books prior to having DD as I was worried they would make me too paranoid but I regret it a bit now.

I wouldn't describe us “scared” of her behaviour. I am walking on eggshells because I’m trying to avoid setting her off. That’s not the same as being scared, for me. It's certainly something I've read about avoiding setting them off in the first place.

We do have a laugh when we can. The other night we were sharing a few celebrations chocolates sitting under the duvet in my room. She laughed and managed to spray chocolatey drool in my face. That made me laugh so she laughed even more and got chocolatey drool all over Daddy's pillow (which of course was hilarious for me) Honestly, we were helpless. My sides ached from it.

In terms of the discipline, really some great tips here. Naughty corner, a bit of a nightmare because she won’t bloody stay there but we persevere don’t we!

@LizzieMacQueen – as you asked specifically:

She’s an only child. We cannot have any more for medical reasons.
In a sense, yes, my husband is bilingual and I speak 4 languages however English is what I would consider our first language and we don’t speak our other languages in the home (I don’t speak his second language and he doesn’t speak mine) We considered raising her bilingual but I decided the disadvantages would outweigh the benefits (I know that’s controversial!)

Someone mentioned sleep. She has pretty low sleep needs and always has done (down to 2 naps before 6 months, 1 nap about 10 months and dropped them completely at 19 months) If she sleeps in the day she can’t settle at night but she does get 11 hours solid which seems ok.

@mooncakes She’s fine at school (she’s at a private school so started “pre-prep” in September, the “nursery” class if you like but still very much part of the wider school), her teacher described her as playing nicely with everyone and being really kind. She’s not great when out and about though. She’s recently got a tendency of pushing other kids on play equipment if they get too close to her. That’s a bit worrying.

@baubled Similar situation, she’s at the school nursery. She definitely needed the extra stimulation. Her day nursery had all the kids in one room due to low attendance after covid so the older ones weren’t getting any structured activity at all. Think she was bored. I’m a keyworker so she went all through summer. It’s not helped as much as I had hoped I suppose (although I know school isn’t their parent and we are more responsible for their personal character development)

So today, seemed to be going ok. Spent the morning pottering around because outside was fog and horizontal rain. Watched some cartoons, did some crafts, she played whilst I did a few bits. Decided to go swimming and she REALLY kicked off in the car because she didn’t want her shoe on, didn’t want to take her shoe off and didn’t want us to help take her shoe off. This led to a massive full on screaming fit, flailing in the car seat, the works. I told DH to just ignore her. When we got there, she didn’t want to swim and she hated swimming. DH did the whole gentle calming bit with her and she had a snack (not a treat, she was supposed to have it in the car but went nuts before we got that far) and went in. She was ok in the pool. On the way home we were treated to 20 minutes of whinging “I want to be home noooooooooowwwwww” and no amount of “Yep we’re on our way.” could stop it. We were both at the end of our ropes by the time we got in!

DS went through a pushing stage it was awful (not helped by the fact he has always been tall). He grew out of it though
All of what you have written sounds like a three year old processing the world- tantrums are just a way of processing emotions and learning how to deal with the world. Take the shoe - she knew what she didn’t want she just knew that really it wasn’t possible (shoe wearing outside is normal practice) or how to achieve it hence the outburst.
Don’t be scared of them they are a very necessary part of emotional development and independence
By all means try to prevent - over tired, hungry, over stimulated are all triggers. Pick your battles so if the request is reasonable go with it. But other than that allow her her emotions. DD biggest tantrum ever was because I didn’t let her blow her nose on her grandmas net curtain. She is 11 now and we laugh about it!
You sound like a very good parent actually. I just think maybe one or two of the books you have been recommended to really get a sense of how normal this is and why she is doing it will help: and it oasses

"We considered raising her bilingual but I decided the disadvantages would outweigh the benefits (I know that’s controversial!)"

What are the disadvantages, exactly? I'm intrigued by this, I know a lot of multilingual families (myself included) and have not come across a single person/family who has come to your conclusion!

As for the car journey home - seriously, get a visual timer. It's a godsend. Got one recently and it transformed our car journey, no more constant asking "are we nearly there yet" - he just looked at the timer!

@NameChange30

Language fluency delays and mixing languages. The fact it seemed a bit pointless when we live in a pretty monolingual environment, she’s not going to get a bilingual education or realistically use whichever second language with anyone other than me or her dad so it would be at best passive bilingualism for no real benefit.

I speak 4 languages fluently and 3 more enough to get by and I only started learning the first at 10. There’s plenty time.

You need to change the way you are responding to her.

She isn’t bratty or spiteful. She is three, not long out of nappies.

There are a lot of recourses on line and some great podcasts regarding gentle parenting with children respond to brilliantly.

You dont want to cultivate a little robot that’s has her personality stifled because she’s not behaving how you want her to.

My eldest is 25, youngest has just turned 4. They all have their moments but that’s just growing up.

But please get out of the mind frame that your three your old is spiteful because she isn’t. That’s a much older emotion born out of jealousy.

Resources **

Honestly, nothing you are describing sounds outside of normal 3 year old behaviour. I know it's frustrating and it feels like you are banging your head against a brick wall but it does pass. It's just a case of head down and barrelling through at this age.

My 4 year old has her moments but it is getting better. There was a point where I genuinely thought that was it, I'd fucked up and she was going to scream about everything forever. But she doesn't. And looking back she had a lot going on in that little brain of hers, we moved house, she started potty training, lockdown happened and her routine was thrown out the window, then she started nursery and had to learn new routines and make new friends. That's a lot.

As pp have said she is 3 this is usual behaviour try and not send her to the naughty step or make out she is naughty you might be reminding her of please and thank yous for a while yet walking on egg shells is non productive though try the book as suggested, you are doing fine

I've worked with under 4s for decades. And 3year olds are exhausting they have just finished toddlerhood and testing your . boundaries and any attention is good attention.

@BrigitsBigKnickers

Try one two three magic.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=123+magic&adgrpid=53919449515&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIreDZ-ad7QIV02DmCh2ULQs9EAAYASAAEgK8-fDDBwE&hvadid=259011884094&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=1007115&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=8521168518559902215&hvtargid=kwd-301950040217&hydadcr=1701786934&tag=googhydr-21&ref=pddsl2j66ut2ey55_e

It was a life saver for me when mine were going through this phase. My DD1 was particularly bad aged 4.

The technique totally diffuses the situation- a bit cheesy and American but I found it invaluable.

I have used it at school too with tricky pupils ( I work in SEN)

Definitely this, I have five, shall we say spirited, children and this worked a treat!

Hi OP I know this post is a couple of years old but I've been searching the net today for posts similar to what I am dealing with at home with my 3yo DS, your DDs behaviour was very very similar and I am actually broken and crying daily because there is literally nothing I can do to improve it.
I was hoping you could tell me your DD improved after some time? Hope you're in a better place now xxx