I resent my partner, it’s ruining our relationship

[Momtot]

Me and partner have been having some issues the last few months - constantly falling out and bickering over the most stupid things. At times I’ve questioned if I want to be with him anymore and I’ve felt really negative towards him. I’ve worked out why, I resent him. I don’t want to feel like this and I want to know if it’s normal to?

We have 3 small children, ages 3, 2 and 2 months (breastfed). He works 5 days and I stay home with the kids. They only go to nursery 2 afternoons a week.
This is why I resent him..

He gets more sleep than me, more breaks than me, time away from the kids every day, he doesn’t have someone attached to him 24/7, he gets his time, he has money, he has friends, he looks good, he’s confident, he can do what he wants, he can buy what he wants. He’s one of those people who gets things done and he seems to never forget stuff and never fucks up. I’m the opposite, I can’t do anything right and every time I try to get stuff done I fuck up, miss something or do it wrong. I can’t even do the simplest of things without forgetting something. I look a mess all the time, I struggle with the kids when he makes it look so easy, I have no money and no freedom, I’m stuck in the house with the kids all day every day, I have hardly any friends.

How do I stop feeling like this towards him? Or is this how it’s going to be until the kids are older?

I think you need a break. I'd tell your partner that you need a well earned break and take one. Set aside a few hours a week as dedicated you time. Go out have a few hours to yourself and don't feel guilty about it.

Why don't you have money if he does?

Have you spoken to him about this?

Why does he have money and you have none ? Surely it is family money.
Or if he considers all money his then you have a huge problem.

Why do you have no money OP? That was what struck me most about your post? If you as a team agreed that you would be the sahp then all money he earns is family money and you should have equal spends.

You realise though that many of the positive things you say about him are things he could not achieve without you. Give yourself credit for that.
Also you’ve just given birth, it’s winter, covid is full in, give yourself a break. Start thinking about what you would like to do with your future, and how you can achieve that. Be kind to yourself. It may take time but you can get there.
In the meantime can you talk to your partner about how you are feeling. He should step up and give you more support.
I wish you all the best

He prob looks good and doesn't fuck up because like you said, he's sleeping, gets breaks, goes out, has money etc.
If I had 3 kids and exhausted I'd be fucking up. In fact I did. I've only just started being able to brush my hair as the kids are bigger and not attatched to a nipple 24/7.
You need some set time for yourself. Not a few minutes here and there slotted in around everyone else where you can't really relax, but actual '2pm-4pm' he takes them out/away or you go out (if you can).

I watched a video on new mums and why they were so unproductive or felt like they were, she called it 'time confetti' just sprinkles of time, never truly getting an actual day or half day to really sit, think, start something, complete it etc. Just constant interruptions, poking, prodding, questions, can I just get? Do you know where? Etc etc.

You'll see a difference when you can claw back some time to reclaim yourself.

Your post is so simple and understandable. You have different roles and that's fine in one sense but your burden in the teamwork of your joint lives is falling more heavily on you, so really he should shoulder some of this stuff when he can. I daresay it doesn't look much fun from his glossy side of the fence so if he's selfish he might not be so inclined, if however he is just not realising but does care, then a proper good chat should help.
When my DC (only two of them) were that age I was similarly functioning below par and didn't even realise why until I was finally getting some sleep at night and was surprised that I was able to finish sentences for the first time in ages! I would put money on the fact that all those mistakes etc come from the fact that you are exhausted, probably not sleeping enough, and your attention is yanked from one thought to another by constantly changing demands and interruptions.
Of course he looks all shiny in comparison, but if he walked a mile in your shoes I bet he would be a little less shiny. Don't underestimate the thought scattering power of children!
I hope you could sit down with him, tell him you don't want this bickering to go on and you want to be a couple again and some soul searching has led you to realise this is the cause. Sure it isn't admirable to be feeling resentment... But in this situation it is predictably understandable, and it is a joint problem so needs a joint solution.

Why do you have no money if he has enough to throw around?

Who's telling you you're fucking everything up?

Why is he not sharing any of the tough stuff?

When will they be doing increased nursery hours?

Thanks everyone, I do need a break but at the moment it’s just quite hard to get. Plus with breastfeeding it’s never really a break is it because I’d have to have youngest with me anyway. Doesn’t help that we moved away at the start of the year so have no family around us or anything.

With the money thing, obviously all our money goes into his account. I get the child benefit into mine and that’s it. If I ask for money he’ll send it to me but I hate that I have to ask, I can’t just go and buy myself something or even grab a coffee, I have to ask. We’re financially comfortable so I should be able to get stuff if I want to.

We’re not talking at the moment and we’re arguing every day (not in front of kids) so something needs fixing I just don’t see how my feelings will change until my lifestyle does when I go back to work.

obviously all our money goes into his account.

Why? That's not obvious at all. You're at home with the dc, so you work out roughly how much you need and then he transfers that amount to your account each month, or his money goes in a joint account that you can access. 🤷🏼‍♀️

When he's off work he should be doing as much at home as he can so you get a break. Does he?

Firstly work out what cash you’ll need to feel less trapped and tell him to set up a standing order

Then you need to address the balance of free time - your bf so it’s not straightforward but you can come to an agreement with him and make sure he looks after the kids while you get out and about.

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

Thanks RealisticSketch, that does make me feel better. I’ve written everything down - how I’m feeling and why, and I’ll send it to him in a text and see what he says. (Best way to talk at the moment, face to face doesn’t happen with 3 little ones around)

Eifhsg, it’s me who’s telling myself that. I know I should be kinder to myself but I’ve always been a bit of a fuck up, clumsy, forgetful, no common sense etc. And he’s always been Mr Succesful and was Mr Popular at school (that’s where we met) so I’ve always seen myself as below him I guess.

I feel like most of the time he does do his share, but naturally I do a lot more because he’s out all day.

They won’t be increasing until next September when I go back to work and oldest starts school. 3yo gets 15 hours now but stretched so 2 sessions a week and 2yo only goes 1 session a week because it’s expensive. Little one is obviously with me every day.

You need joint access to the family pool of money. What happens if one of the children is sick and you need to buy medicine or other items, or you want to go out for a walk and get a drink for the kids and yourself (when COVID-19 rules allow)? You are no doubt feeling trapped, and you are - financially. Why does he get to have access and use of family/money when you don’t when you are looking after 3 young children? Untenable situation.

obviously all our money goes into his account

Why is that obvious? It's not normal and even less normal that you're left in a position without access to money when you need it without having to first ask each time.

You resent him because of his behaviour.

Stop blaming yourself for everything in the world.

How much child free time do you have ? Free of all the children?

tenlittlecygnets, I guess it goes into his account because it’s his wages? He used to send me £30 a week but that stopped and I can’t remember why. It’s not even that I want to buy loads of stuff I just don’t want to have to explain everything I do buy. I’d probably take the kids on more days out etc if I didn’t have to ask every time!

He doesn’t do as much kid stuff, he plays his xbox a lot. But if I ask him to come off to help he usually will. He does most of the cleaning though as I just don’t have time to keep on top of it and he’s a bit of a clean freak.

We got on really well before all of this and used to love each other’s company but now it’s all bickering and negativity, digs at each other all the time.

Unless your kids are in a soundproof room while you argue, then they know you're arguing btw.

Why did you move away from all your support networks? Whose idea was that?

You’re being financially abused.

It’s not fair it’s not “obviously the money goes into his account” I am furious on your behalf. He gives you housekeeping money like some little wifey. You don’t even have funds for a measly coffee?!?

That’s FUCKED UP.

That's awful to have to ask for money :( This isnt the 1950s. Time for a joint account.

Tell him that once the bills are paid you should both have the same personal money each month. He thinks it's all his because you don't work so don't deserve anything. Dick. He thinks what you do every day is worthless and he can carry on as normal.

If he has so much can't the older 2 go to nursery more?

What does he do at home?

Financial abuse.

What happens if you say you need the same free access to money as him?

You need money. I'd he can't put you on a joint account, then he moves an allowance every week or month. That way as well you can spend it on whatever you want without him seeing each transaction.
My husband was a bit like yours with our first, he'd give me money but I had to ask and I had to say this is not working, I feel like I'm begging every month for necessities like hair cuts etc.
I get money into my own account and we have a joint account for bills etc.
It works out well. Means I can buy gifts etc.

As for the time to yourself, it will improve but he can still take the smallest for a bit between feeds

We were not at all well off when our DC were little, but we always had a joint account and budgeted as a team. You are working very long hours caring for your (both of you) children. You should be working as a team and it sounds as if your DH isn't doing his share.

We did you move so far away from your support network and was it a joint decision?

No, no no. That’s not right. It’s a partnership. You’re the mother of his children. He shouldn’t dole out pocket money to you when you come cap in hand, you also need access to family money to spend as you choose. He should be sharing the load with you when he’s not at work even if it means he is also knackered and his hair isn’t always fully coiffed. And I agree with a PP that if you’re making mistakes and feeling shit it’s probably sleep deprivation/exhaustion.

Would he be open to renegotiating terms?

How many hours does he play on his X Box?