I resent my partner, it’s ruining our relationship

[Momtot]

Me and partner have been having some issues the last few months - constantly falling out and bickering over the most stupid things. At times I’ve questioned if I want to be with him anymore and I’ve felt really negative towards him. I’ve worked out why, I resent him. I don’t want to feel like this and I want to know if it’s normal to?

We have 3 small children, ages 3, 2 and 2 months (breastfed). He works 5 days and I stay home with the kids. They only go to nursery 2 afternoons a week.
This is why I resent him..

He gets more sleep than me, more breaks than me, time away from the kids every day, he doesn’t have someone attached to him 24/7, he gets his time, he has money, he has friends, he looks good, he’s confident, he can do what he wants, he can buy what he wants. He’s one of those people who gets things done and he seems to never forget stuff and never fucks up. I’m the opposite, I can’t do anything right and every time I try to get stuff done I fuck up, miss something or do it wrong. I can’t even do the simplest of things without forgetting something. I look a mess all the time, I struggle with the kids when he makes it look so easy, I have no money and no freedom, I’m stuck in the house with the kids all day every day, I have hardly any friends.

How do I stop feeling like this towards him? Or is this how it’s going to be until the kids are older?

I think that is a constructive way to look at it op and I would support that view of I was your RL friend. It is dependent on him taking the same attitude and it being a joint process. I'd he respects your opinions then everything you just said should be a good start to the conversation.
For the finances unless you are proven to be dreadful with money (and it doesn't sound like it!) There is no reason why he should feel the need to keep you in the dark/have total control with no say for you.
In my house I manage all the money and bills cos I'm just more organised than dh, but... He knows everything that's goes on and all decision are mutual. So if I change utilities provider I'll just mention it in passing, but if we make a big purchase/move money etc it's joint up front.
For your situation I would want to know
total households income
Fixed outgoings
And what's left should be divided between ring-fenced savings for house/emergencies etc and equal spend for you both.
There is no reason why that can't be jointly decided, how quickly you save will be a combination of available money and how much you want to use for spends, you could save more slowly or more quickly depending how you slice that pie, but that choice should involve you.

OP, I really feel for you. I have 3 young children (6,4 and 1), my 4 year old goes to nursery 2 days a week and my 6 year old school and I still find never having any time away from kids hard. I am also resentful. 6 years of sleep deprivation, 3 pregnancies and 6 years of breastfeeding have done me in and I have access to money. My husband is fairly useless at times but nowhere near as bad as yours. I don't know how you're still standing to be honest.

I think in the thick of things it's really hard to see what's normal and acceptable. Things erode slowly and before you realise it you're stuck in a situation and don't know how to get out of it. It is absolutely not acceptable for you not to have access to money. The is the first thing to address is the money. Not just you having some pocket money for a haircut or coffee but also to see where the money is. Why should you have no say? Do you have access to the savings so you can see how far along you are with that? Do you know where the money is going and what your husband is doing with it? Maybe this is time to make less savings and when you go back to work savings can increase again. Once you sort this you can work out the rest. A bit more nursery time perhaps? Maybe every Saturday you could go for a walk, let baby sleep in the buggy, chat to a friend on the phone and have a coffee. Every Sunday have a long nap. Baby will be ok for a bit without you. Weaning will come around and be the key to your freedom and then he can have all 3. Perhaps your husband could do bath time every night and put the older kids to bed. This division of labour needs to be addressed and your husband might need to be pushed to do it.

Be kind to yourself, your husband has been very unfair but you can sort this out and have something for yourself again, I totally do understand it's just getting the energy to fight for it which really you shouldn't have to do.

I think it can be human nature to leave someone else to do the grunt work and choose path of least resistance. Especially if you were raised that way, are inclined to be lazy, don't choose to see the strain the other person is under, the other person seems happy about it.
Obviously it is not an admirable way to approach life, but, he wouldn't be the first of either gender to do it.
If you can stop seeing him as a catch and realise you are his equal (and from this tiny window into your life, you are looking like his superior in adulting skills!) Maybe that will help you approach things with confidence you aren't being unreasonable. Good luck op.

Gosh the money situation isn’t good.

My OH earns far more than me and both salaries go into a joint account and we spend it as if it’s our own. I would never think to ask for money to buy something (unless it’s something major) or expect him to keep ‘his’ money.

I don't often post but feel inclined to balance out the "he's an abusive " posts. (With a the caveat that he may be, if there is more to this or he refuses to change things), but it sounds to me more like he is just a bit selfish and hasn't really thought about what life it like for you. I interpreted the comment about you just needing to tell him if you want to go out, to mean if you want to go out without any children, not that you need to ask for permission to leave the house. Obviously it is good practice to make sure the other parent is aware they are now fully responsible for the children. I imagine to him it sounds simple, if you want a break then just tell me and go out, but he doesn't appreciate the practical and emotional logistics of leaving your tiny baby when you aren't used to it.

First have the money conversation. Make sure you know how much is coming in each month and how much goes out and what on (subscriptions add up fast). Agree how much you both want to be saving towards a house and roughly how much food costs. Anything left over should be shared. Make sure if he has an Xbox subscription that it isn't included in the family outgoings, unless you have something similar like a Netflix sub that is only used by you.

Next tackle the gaming. Yes he needs some down time and it will help to approach it with understanding of he is using it to connect with friends too, like you say he might be feeling quite low too and this is helping. Until the kids are in bed though, he shouldn't expect to be on there and should be helping with whatever needs to be done. Allocating tasks is helpful if he doesn't naturally pull him weight with the kids, making bath time his job for example keeps things clear. If baby is awake all evening then he should take some of this burden (feed, leave with him and go to bed until next feed if you want to, or have a peaceful cuppa or a bath). Decide if you want him to to certain evenings for the whole time or split every evening. If baby just sleeps and you watch TV anyway then you might not mind what he is doing. Negotiate weekends so he gets some down time, you get some down time and there is some family time too. Having a schedule (even a flexible one) will clarify how uneven things were before.

Partly it is just hard having tiny children and it does get better as they get older. I found getting my husband to understand the inequality was like wading through treacle, because he actually doesn't have a clue what I do and how exhausting it is, not because he is a bad person (although some days I could write threads that make him sound like a monster I'm sure). If he is willing to make some changes then there is hope, it probably will be a slow process but it is possible to reduce the resentment if he is willing. I'll stop rambling now!

OP, you need a joint bank account. There needs to be housekeeping money for everyday spending. It's not "his" moneyyou are supposed to be a team. You're working hard too! He sounds very immatureis he unusually young for a father of three? Are you legally married, by the way? You're in a vulnerable position if you are not married and are putting your career on the back burner for this guy.

I think you should be on his bank account end of. Joint money, joint account. Not negotiable.

SewVeryLazy thank you for your comment. I was ignoring the abuse comments because you get them on every post, he’s not abusive at all, he’s lovely he just doesn’t get it from my point of view and I don’t think he’s taken the time to try.

I think a schedule sounds good, neither of us are naturally highly organised so we wing it, so knowing who is doing what each evening will help I’m sure.

I know it will get better if we try, I’m glad I wrote this post I’ve been putting it off but it’s helped so much already.

I’ve spoken to him in the last hour, he listened to everything I had to say and we’re going to discuss it properly when the kids are in bed. He’s actually agreed to the money thing which I didn’t expect, he said he’ll send me half of our disposable income each month.

We’re also considering moving back home or closer to family, neither of us are happy here. Lockdown obviously hasn’t helped because we have no one to even go for a socially distanced walk with.

We’ll discuss the Xbox and me getting some me time more later too. I like the idea someone suggested of me going for a walk every Saturday or Sunday.

Thank you all you’ve really helped, I feel so much better already.

That sounds v positive! Well done you!

That's a lovely positive update, best of luck to you x

Good update OP. Sounds like a bit of communication is working.

Tell him you want to swap, you'll go out to work and he can stop his career, stay home with three babies and manage on a £140 a month. See how he likes the idea of that.

Sounds like you're not married either. Which means if he does decide to walk out you're in serious financial trouble.

The whole set up sounds like you're providing all the unpaid drudge work while your own personal situation and future options become more and more desperate and dire.

All that unpaid housework and childcare is more than just not getting a salary now. Its also no pension, no training, no skills development, no career, no future financial security. Its abusive quite frankly to that to another person you supposedly love.

Glad the initial chat went well. I think it's good for you to admit you also don't know how he is feeling and how hard he is finding it and yes when he comes home it's to more "work" and to a wife that it is unhappy.

You both need to know that your current situation is bloody hard work and tiring but it isn't forever

I think @SewVeryLazy post was very fair and you’re update shows that this is likely just a situation that’s come about gradually as you’re both tired, stressed etc and haven’t really discussed your unhappiness rather than him being abusive.

I read your posts that he was thoughtless / didn’t understand how you felt, rather than anything too sinister.

Good luck working things out.

I think he needs a daily window of caring for all the children including the two month old. Ideally after he’s got in from work and had a cup of tea. You can pass all the kids over to him and have one hour to your self. Go off for a walk or to a cafe for a relaxing cuppa or a soak in the bath or a book read in bed with the door locked/blocked and ear plugs to block out the kids.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/
What protections do you both have in place for yourselves and the kids, since you are legally single?

As others have said the issue you feel is no control over your life and finances.

They are both of your children- I work but still get up at night (rare now thank god) with DD, clean house and my wife had hobbies and day/nights out. You Looking after kids allows him to earn the money - it should all be in one pot - you should be involved in every decision around the budget, savings, spending etc.

A marriage or partnership is just that - you are a team and there may be a time he needs your support (money or otherwise) so you take on the responsibly that make the most sense at a given time.

Also you need to learn to love yourself op your post was very self abusive, you are in a tough situation and you can and deserve to make it better - believe in yourself because so often others will take advantage of you if you don't