I resent my partner, it’s ruining our relationship

[Momtot]

Me and partner have been having some issues the last few months - constantly falling out and bickering over the most stupid things. At times I’ve questioned if I want to be with him anymore and I’ve felt really negative towards him. I’ve worked out why, I resent him. I don’t want to feel like this and I want to know if it’s normal to?

We have 3 small children, ages 3, 2 and 2 months (breastfed). He works 5 days and I stay home with the kids. They only go to nursery 2 afternoons a week.
This is why I resent him..

He gets more sleep than me, more breaks than me, time away from the kids every day, he doesn’t have someone attached to him 24/7, he gets his time, he has money, he has friends, he looks good, he’s confident, he can do what he wants, he can buy what he wants. He’s one of those people who gets things done and he seems to never forget stuff and never fucks up. I’m the opposite, I can’t do anything right and every time I try to get stuff done I fuck up, miss something or do it wrong. I can’t even do the simplest of things without forgetting something. I look a mess all the time, I struggle with the kids when he makes it look so easy, I have no money and no freedom, I’m stuck in the house with the kids all day every day, I have hardly any friends.

How do I stop feeling like this towards him? Or is this how it’s going to be until the kids are older?

I woukd increase the half days to 2 full days. Then you only have 3 days soloing the kids (which is still quite a lot).
I would recommend all money is to put into a joint account.
I would have a set time on the weekend where once you've bf your baby, you then go put for 2 hours

I felt exactly this op. My family live 200 miles away. I have no friends here either so I was so so lonely too.
Be selfish.
That's what I had to do. At first I felt awful but then I realised that I really did deserve it. I was allowed to be selfish. I was allowed to lay in bed just for 20 mins whilst he did breakfast, or let him take over when I got stressed out.
After a while I felt my mood change. I felt myself starting to love this man and my own life again.
You need to be happy. Be selfish x

What happens on his 2 days off per week? Evenings? Nights?
The ages your children are you must be absolutely exhausted and sleep deprived. No wonder you are muddling along. You deserve a medal IMO.
When I had one baby and a toddler I was always forgetting things.

Sorry if I don’t reply to everyone I didn’t expect so many replies. But to answer a few..

I don't get ANY completely child free time, because I breastfeed. I get a few hours a week without the toddlers.

The comments about the money I do agree with, I didn’t think that was such a big issue but the more I think about the more I agree. One of you mentioned not having money for simple things like a haircut, I get my hair cut twice a year and even then I feel bad about asking because it’s £30-40, so sometimes I try to save my own bits of money for things like that. I really want it dyed properly (pesky greys are coming) but no way do I feel like I can ask for £100+. Some bills even come out of my account, like the tv licence and car tax, which I also don’t ask for him to pay back because I feel bad asking for money all the time. I think I need to talk to him about it and ask for him to send me some money each month. He won’t be happy because we’re trying to save to buy a house so that’s why I think he likes being in control of the money.

The thing is, whenever I talk to him about any of this he doesn’t get it, he tells me I can do what I want I just have to tell him I’m going out etc, but in reality it doesn’t work like that. He will never understand because he’s never lived my lifestyle.

endofthelinefinally It was ALOT to begin with, he only got the thing in September and tbh it’s caused a lot of problems. He plays it most evenings, annoyingly he starts at the time I’m doing dinner, bath, bed etc and if I want him to help I have to wait till the bloody game has finished. Then he plays it all evening until about 10pm while I’m dealing with the colic suffering baby. I would throw the Xbox out the window if I could. He says it’s his down time. Where’s mine?

Daisy, I would love to increase the nursery time but again that’s asking him for another monthly outgoing so I know he’ll say no.

GAW, I’m sorry you felt this way too and I’m really happy that things are better for you now. It was a joint decision to move away. We were really happy at the time but it has made me realise how much I love and need my family around me so we’re actually considering moving a couple of hours closer to home. I can’t see me making friends here!

I am stunned you have no access to money without specifically having to ask.
That is weird. You aren't a pet, or a child wanting pocket money! Scratch that, even children who get pocket money get a regular amount each week!
This is your joint life all that money could not be earned by him if you weren't at home taking on the childcare!
Even if you have separate accounts you should have a regular, fair (half after bills for example) amount automatically put into your hands for ready access.
So sorry things are so bad you can't talk. Can you approach him to say that you want to draw a line under it all and communicate face to face to resolve things. This is no fun and I hope to goodness he is interested in making things better with you, I can't see things improving much until you are talking. Very hard to achieve with 3 smalls but can be take an afternoon off work so you can do it during a nursery visit?

Hi OP. Some of this is new baby exhaustion which will pass. Some of the other stuff you need to find a way to discuss with your husband calmly. Men tend not to like the emotional i hate everything and am unhappy rants-but are happier to agree to solutions.

If you are comfortable could you get a cleaner or pay for extra nursery, are you taking advantage of free funding for your 3 and 2 year old?

Can you power walk with headphones on and your favourite tunes a couple of times a week whilst DH stays indoors with kids. It will be nice to get out clear your head and set your mood for the rest of the day. Baby
Can be left for an hour and even if he/she cries they will be fine.

Can you work it into your morning routine as a family (this includes DH) that either he makes packed lunches (even jf you are staying home this would help at lunch). Or If you feel a mess and this matters to you-you get 20 mins before he leaves to shower and freshen up and but some make up on. Personally i am a big look good feel good person it lifts my mood. You would then feel set and more calm and in control for the day.

I guess what i am saying is try to find a moment when calm and less overwhelmed to help think practically about what might help and tell DH what you need or ask for an alternative way to solve the problem.

And as for being financially treat like staff and thrown scraps this would make anyone feel awful. Imo if you decided as a family for you to stay home you should both have the same amount of disposable income
Per month. And the CB isnt for you its for buying some of the bits the kids need.

endofthelinefinally It was ALOT to begin with, he only got the thing in September and tbh it’s caused a lot of problems. He plays it most evenings, annoyingly he starts at the time I’m doing dinner, bath, bed etc and if I want him to help I have to wait till the bloody game has finished. Then he plays it all evening until about 10pm while I’m dealing with the colic suffering baby. I would throw the Xbox out the window if I could. He says it’s his down time. Where’s mine?

This is awful. Really selfish behaviour. He is behaving like a child. I really couldn't tolerate that.

I think you need to take a look at the Freedom Programme course to re-set your sense of what is normal in a healthy relationship.

Because this is so far off it's scary.

Oh wow the money thing is bad. You feel trapped because you effectively ARE trapped. A 2mo breastfeeding is a lot- but it would feel less if you had the money to go and get a takeaway coffee and cake and sit in a park with a friend, or could pay a babysitter to come for a few hours so you can get some sleep while the older kids are at nursery.
Or you know, he could pull his weight. That would be good too.

You need a very clear conversation with him, and then you need to decide if this is what you want.

Frankly you’d be better off alone and on benefits than you would be now. At least you’d get uplifted free childcare as a LP...

First of all you are doing great looking after 3 small children, it’s hard but it will get better. Work on doing little things that make you feel better, stronger. I agree with others that you need to deal with the issue of money. It is wrong that you have to ask for small amounts in order to do things that are normal ie hair cuts. We have a joint pot, then a small amount each in our own accounts each month for extras. So stuff we need, clothes, etc are joint but if I want something like a pair of shoes I do not need I buy it out of my own money. Not having access to money when you are raising his children is wrong, full stop.

he tells me I can do what I want I just have to tell him I’m going out etc

Why do you have to tell him?

The one thing positive you’ve posted is that you’re moving back to be near your support network. I really hope that actually happens - once you have that support around you it might help you decide whether you want to live like this for the rest of your life - or not.

You need equal leisure time, he gets a lunch break and his time on the Xbox what are you getting??

Now you've established breastfeeding try to get him to give a bottle once a day or every other day so you can have a proper break.

He needs to have more responsibility allocated to him - such as bed and bath time where there is no asking going on he just does.

It sounds like you could be a bit depressed, you need to tell him this and his input now will improve things more quickly.

You both need to know that 3 young ones is a lot of practical hard work and you need to be a team and that doesn't mean you pulling the mental load.

Sounds like you know to sort the finances!

The money thing isnt acceptable. You are raising both of your children. You deserve better than to be paid pocket money while he is (relaqtively) loaded. You should ask for an equal share of all disposable income after everything is taken care of. If he doesnt think you deserve that (Im sure he would) then I would seriously consider divorcing him and getting it through the courts.

I don't work, husband is high earner, his salary goes into joint account where all bills are paid from, some gets transferred to each of our own accounts and I manage the rest if there is any in joint family savings , either a joint account or equal personal savings. You both have jobs/roles in this family snd only one of you gets financial return for it do that is the family pot.
He couldn't do his job if I didn't sort everything else out.
We never argue about money snd he never questions it.

The financial arrangements some women put up with are absolutely batshit crazy to me. This is 2020 FFS.

Unless he's on the front line of some foreign battlefield or laying bricks 12 hours a day, you're doing more hard graft than he is raising three small kids and keeping the home. You should be getting more disposable money than him. This site is turning me into a feminist!

Hang on...you can’t get your hair done because you’re saving for a house but he can buy an Xbox and games to play on it?

Honestly? I would be packing up, going back to my family and leaving him to his X Box. You need someone to support and care for you and help you with the children.

Do you know the family income OP?

He clearly doesn't care about you or his children.

If he isn't listening to you on the money issue, play it his way for a few weeks. Every time you think it would be nice to go out, to get a coffee, to have your hair done - do it. Ask him for the money. Don't feel bad about it, because you're doing what he told you to do. When he turns round and says "you're spending to much, why do you need to go out so often" you say - this is what I need as a SAHM. Give me a set pot at the start of the month and I can stop pestering you. If he says no to that - you know you've got a financial abuser and it's time to get out.

You're used to this set up because it's all you've known. But it's not good.
It's not his money, you are a family, it should be shared more fairly.
You may not be earning, but you're working very hard raising children.
Your husband sounds a bit crap to be honest. Not quite as wonderful as perhaps you think. He's selfish and lazy.

The money thing is clearly a huge issue and I’m going to bite the bullet and talk to him about that. I’m taking on board all of your comments and thinking it all through. I’ll ask for a monthly amount that’s just mine - half of what’s left after bills.

I don’t want to leave him, I do love him and apart from these few issues there’s no reason why I’d consider it. We just both need to make an effort to change things.

At one point, before baby 3 came along I was working from home selling children’s books, doing quite well at it actually. Kids were in nursery 3 days a week (thanks to my dad - we didn’t have as much disposable money back then) but I had a bit of my own money. I was much happier. I don’t know if it was the money, the time to myself, working, more sleep from not having a newborn, being closer to family, kids being in nursery.. I don’t know. Maybe all of it. But I was a lot happier and it seems since then we’ve made a series of decisions that have resulted in me being very unhappy.

Maybe we need to go back to where we were. Maybe moving away was a bad idea. Maybe he plays xbox so much because he’s lonely and it’s how he talks to his friends from home? Maybe he’s struggling too so that’s why he’s shut off? Maybe things will be better when I’m at work next September? Maybe it’s just really hard having 3 young children and we need to get through this phase and it will be better after that?