8 year old lied again about wet bedtime pants

[twentypasttwelve]

Hello everyone

My 8 year old son isn't always dry at night yet (we have tried everything and even brought him to a specialist which I've put on hold due to Covid). I've started several threads about it and had great advice but that's not what this post is about.

Whilst he is around 75% dry, he does have regular night time wetting. We agreed that if he is wet, he will get a shower in the morning, for hygiene reasons. If he's dry, he will get a bath in the evening instead.

He HATES getting a morning shower.

A few times he's lied and told me he was dry when he wasn't. The first time, I ignored it and let him off. Second time I told him I knew he'd lied, and made him get a shower. Third time I told him I didn't like being lied to, and that if he did it again there would be consequences.

He's done it again this morning.

Now, I realise he hates showers, and I realise he may be embarrassed about it. I'm stumped as to how I tackle this... I told him there would be consequences but I didn't think about WHAT consequences. Its too late for him to shower now as it would make us late for school.

He's such a great kid, never lies about anything else, hardly ever puts a foot wrong. So I'm not great at doling out consequences. I need a little guidance!

WWYD??

@SpeckledyHen I presume he told op he was dry so she didn't check, as at the time she trusted him?!

Lighten up and forget the shower. Get him some nice medicated talc and if he puts that all over his lower half it's good enough. He will not smell if he has a bath every evening.
The less of an issue you make it the better he will feel

You're not a terrible mum! You've just fallen into an association trap you need to help break. Lots of good advice here about helping him not to feel punished and trying to work together.

Absolutely knock the games in the morning on the head. I’m a gamer and no one needs to squeeze in video games before work / school let alone a kid.

Reframe the routine for all. Up, shower, ready, breakfast then if you have time TV or music, reading. If you’re insisting on the gaming then only after he’s clean and dressed. That goes for everyone, you too no phone.

Also you’re not a terrible mum. If you were you wouldn’t be here looking for solutions and trying to do the right thing

He does need to wash - we had the mortifying experience of being (very nicely) told by ds1's teacher that he was smelly some days because of going into school (always in fresh clothes) after wearing a wet pullup.

Ds1 is dry now but still has a shower every morning as part of his routine.

Ds2 is still wet some mornings and is a shower-hater (and pullup refuser) so we compromise with a sponge and a sink of warm soapy water - done and dusted in 2 mins.

[quote midnightstar66]@SpeckledyHen I presume he told op he was dry so she didn't check, as at the time she trusted him?![/quote]
I’m having a thick day today!

Not true that nhs won't see children before age 8. NICE guidelines are from age 5 and I work in school nursing and will give advice from any age about things parents can try for any toileting concerns . Medication - some gps may be reluctant before 7 .
I would really recommend the ERIC website if you haven't already seen it.
Make sure your son is drinking really well throughout the day - no black currant, caffeine or fizzy drinks. Don't limit drinks before bed. Keep an eye on poos for possible constipation . Have an extra wee just before bed but don't 'lift'.
We advice encouraging kids to gently take a bit of responsibility eg helping strip wet bedding so having a wash every morning would work in the same way . It's not meant as a punishment or anything just to get them involved .

Sometimes I think people are overly critical of others who are trying to find their way through the minefield of child rearing. None of us are experts, and every child is different. I am aware that it is a hormone related issue littlemissloza therefore rewards won't change things, but it makes my DS happy, and he isn't down if he has an accident and doesn't get a reward. It's just a little bonus and I make little fuss about it either way.

I wet the bed until I was 11 and it was awful. I lied to my mom many times when she used to ask me about it.

I hated her asking about it.

I was embarrassed by my bed wetting and remember feeling like that since I was about 6, and by her asking me every morning if I had been wet or dry meant that the start of everyday was her drawing attention to something about myself that I hated.

I remember her always going on at me to get washed and showered if I’d had a wet night and it was just another reminder of what I had done (wet the bed) and it just made me feel ashamed of myself.

I did eventually speak to her about it and told her that I just didn’t want any attention drawing to it at all. I said I didn’t need her asking me if I’d had a wet or dry night, I just wanted it to be a non-issue.

In the end we agreed that if I wet the bed I would just strip my bed, take off my pyjamas and put them straight into the washing machine, and then I would re-make my own bed. I told her to stop asking me about it and just let me deal with it by myself. I obviously didn’t want to smell at school so started washing myself and without it being a prompt from my mom, and instantly being related to my bed wetting, I didn’t mind doing it. I just wanted to take responsibility for myself.

I don’t know how much of this helps but from the other perspective from how you see it, don’t underestimate how embarrassed your son may be feeling about his bedwetting and how turning it into a big deal, and making a battle of it, can be really detrimental.

@Throwntothewolves

Sometimes I think people are overly critical of others who are trying to find their way through the minefield of child rearing. None of us are experts, and every child is different. I am aware that it is a hormone related issue littlemissloza therefore rewards won't change things, but it makes my DS happy, and he isn't down if he has an accident and doesn't get a reward. It's just a little bonus and I make little fuss about it either way.

But the corollary of that is that he's doubly unhappy if he wets the bed - which is something he can't control either way.

I have always thought the beauty of Mumsnet is that it allows you to benefit from the experience and perspective of other parents who have been where you are now. It's certainly made me change my thinking on a few things and I don't think it's 'overly critical' to point out the implications of different parenting decisions.

I think if you can't take any challenge without taking it as a personal slight, you probably ought to find a different site to post in.

I used to go to a clinic and my mother was told on the sly not to use rewards for dry nights.

She said that rewards are given for good behaviour, when a child makes a conscious decision to do something well, or actively choose to do as they’re told - she said it’s about rewarding behaviour that they have chosen to do.

She said by giving rewards for a dry night can give the impression that I had chosen to be and so in contrast, the nights I had been wet were purposeful, like I had chosen to do it and therefore was being punished for it by not having the reward.

I was not happy when the specialist said this as I had previously enjoyed my dry night rewards () but actually, when my mom did stop doing it, it made my bedwetting less of a focal part of my life and that was definitely a good thing.

I'm glad you grew out of it @ThornAmongstRoses. We took my younger sibling's friend on holiday once with us and her parents didn't tell us that she wet the bed. I don't know how many times she wet the bed during that week but by the end of the week, the room she was in absolutely stank and of course as we didn't know what it was, my mother kept saying 'what is that AWFUL smell?'.

Poor kid - we were horrified when we realised. I don't know if they thought it wasn't going to happen if she was in another house or if they were worried we'd rescind the invitation but I have thought about that girl often over the years and felt so sorry for her.

I used to hate going to sleepovers. I remember when I had an accident in my sleeping bag I didn’t know how to get up in the morning without everyone seeing that my pyjamas were wet

I used to hate sleeping anywhere, even at other relatives house, because I couldn’t cope with the possibility I would wet the bed.

It’s honestly soul destroying for older children:,

On the practical side, is he drinking large enough volumes of water during the day? The bladder needs to be large enough to hold several hours worth of urine and the only way to do that is to give large drinks in the day to stretch it.
My DS was daytime and night time wetting and by increasing his intake considerably we overcame it. As a teenager he now pees like a racehorse in the morning!

I can imagine - you poor love.

It stopped my son going to cubs because they had a camping trip and I'd put the pull up in the bottom of his sleeping bag to put on in bed (as recommended by the scout master) and someone found it and took the piss out of him :(

He was fighting back tears the next morning and refused to ever go back there again. So sad :(

My son is a bit younger than yours - 6 - but we have been through similar. He was hiding his wet pyjamas (we stopped using pull-ups after reading that it can delay them getting dry at night) but we couldn't work out why as we've never made a big deal, just like them to go straight in the wash in the morning. He would deny deny deny and it was because he didn't like the shower in the morning. I just started saying that morning showers were starting every day before school for both children to ensure they were fresh for class and since this, he hasn't been fibbing - he just leaves his wet things in a pile for the wash.

Sorry to hijack, but so much good advice here - is 6 too young to take any further action? Unsure if we should just continue as we are and hope for the best or if we should get some help.

Pull ups don't delay they becoming dry - unless they're waking up and can't be bothered to go to the loo. Given your son is still wetting through, I'd put him back in pull ups.

You can do things like increase the amount of fluid they drink in the daytime - we had an alarm to remind my son to have a drink every two hours and then reduced liquid after 6pm.

The Eric website has some good advice

@Clymene thanks - that's helpful. I think we will go back to pull-ups for a while and I will try to work on drinking. I know he hardly has anything at school which may be an issue.