Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

8 year old lied again about wet bedtime pants

94 replies

twentypasttwelve · 02/12/2020 07:54

Hello everyone

My 8 year old son isn't always dry at night yet (we have tried everything and even brought him to a specialist which I've put on hold due to Covid). I've started several threads about it and had great advice but that's not what this post is about.

Whilst he is around 75% dry, he does have regular night time wetting. We agreed that if he is wet, he will get a shower in the morning, for hygiene reasons. If he's dry, he will get a bath in the evening instead.

He HATES getting a morning shower.

A few times he's lied and told me he was dry when he wasn't. The first time, I ignored it and let him off. Second time I told him I knew he'd lied, and made him get a shower. Third time I told him I didn't like being lied to, and that if he did it again there would be consequences.

He's done it again this morning.

Now, I realise he hates showers, and I realise he may be embarrassed about it. I'm stumped as to how I tackle this... I told him there would be consequences but I didn't think about WHAT consequences. Its too late for him to shower now as it would make us late for school.

He's such a great kid, never lies about anything else, hardly ever puts a foot wrong. So I'm not great at doling out consequences. I need a little guidance!

WWYD??

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
OneToThree · 02/12/2020 09:14

My ds is nearly 10 and I think has eventually stopped 🤞🏼
Could you put some baby wipes in his room for him to wipe himself down with himself then you don’t need to get involved?

Original poster
twentypasttwelve · 02/12/2020 09:19

@CherryPavlova

I don’t think people think you are punishing him. I think he may think you are. I think it’s good you don’t want him being the smelly child - and yes, urine does smell after a while on a warm body.

If it’s about water over his head, can you also lower the spray head so it hits at chest height?

The shower head is detachable and he only really washes himself below the waist. I put all his uniform and towel / dressing gown on the bathroom radiator which he loves as it's indulgent. He has his hoop play thing and special gloves he likes to use to wash himself. I've made it as pleasant as possible for him and like I said he loves it when he's in. I usually stay in the bathroom with him, at his request, and we have a chat and a laugh (he pretends to try and get me with the water through the screen). I really don't think he sees it as a punishment but maybe I'm wrong. I am 100% sure he doesn't want to get in the shower because it disrupts his gaming.

I think a warm flannel wash down and brush teeth all before the computer goes on, is the way forward. I will do practice run tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
twentypasttwelve · 02/12/2020 09:23

@PurpleMustang

It is a known thing, unfortunately not well known that it can take boys, especially, ages to be dry at night. My son was 8 i think. It is not something he can control. Its why rewarding doesn't work and makes the child feels worse. And while you obviously don't like him lying he is linking it all together. Make sure that you are doing all you can to help him. For mine it was picking him up for the toilet when I went to bed. Try all the help you can, and if the medication will help that surely for the small time it will take till his body does it itself, it is worth it for his self esteem. A tip is to layer the bed. So protecter, sheet, protecter, sheet so that a layer can be stripped quickly in the night.
When we had a period of time when we didn't use pull ups (at the advice of the specialist) we did the layering of sheets. And we also spent a few weeks waking him to go toilet during the night too. Nothing worked.

Unfortunately the meds aren't really going to be an option. I was a up for using them but his father, my ex, isn't keen. So the meds wouldn't be taken consistently. I am hoping that by the time all this Covid stuff is over, and if he's still wetting, he will change his mind...

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

8 year olds Families General parenting
Sarahandco · 02/12/2020 09:32

Let him have a bath and don't try to punish him. You may not mean to but making him have a bath is a punishment if he doesn't like it. If he has we make sure he is up early enough to have a quick bath before school instead of a shower.

Sarahandco · 02/12/2020 09:33
  • I meant making him have a shower
SonjaMorgan · 02/12/2020 09:34

You are not a terrible mum. My DC wet the bed until the age of 10. It was incredibly stressful and horrible all round. The incontinence pants would leak or DC would take them off in the night and the waterproof mattress protectors would break down and leak. DC has had a quick shower every morning regardless. They don't wash their hair everyday but always have a quick wash. That way there was less drama and fuss made on wet mornings.

DC grew out of bedwetting overnight. It went from being most nights to just stopping.

user686833 · 02/12/2020 09:35

I think he won't smell if he wears disposable pull ups. You can reuse dry ones. Get a pack of wipes or to reduce the disposables, bamboo velour flannels (much softer) and have him wash with those instead of the shower maybe?

Sarahandco · 02/12/2020 09:35

My son used to wet the bed and it is really frustrating and easy to get annoyed - but my advice is just don't get annoyed. Also all of a sudden my son just stopped around 8 or 9 so it might be worth just being patient however hard that may be.

Also, I am sure you have but just check that he isn't constipated.

Original poster
twentypasttwelve · 02/12/2020 09:41

Constipation was the reason he was wetting in the day last year and we really worked on his diet, he is no longer constipated I know that for sure.

Sarahandco... Its not the shower he hates it's the time away from his gaming. Once he's in he loves it and it becomes an issue trying to get him out! And although I know I used to get annoyed and frustrated, I don't anymore. It's not a big issue. The lying is the issue but I'm over that now.

He does qerlar Disposable pull ups and we reuse the dry ones.

I don't want him going to school with stale wee on his body. It's not good for the smell and it's not good for his skin. He needs to learn that being hygienic is an important part of human life, surely? Taking care of yourself is important?

OP posts:
Throwntothewolves · 02/12/2020 09:59

My DH apparently wet the bed for a long time as a child. He was punished and endured all sorts of treatments and therapies to try to make him stop. It didn't help that he was being compared negatively to his sister because of this. He says it was very traumatic.
He said eventually he just grew out of it, but he can still remember how awful it felt to be told off and felt ridiculed most mornings. He's pretty sure the trauma of his parents trying to make him stop actually extended the bed wetting.

My DS is 7 and has accidents at night. I've been careful not to do anything that might be seen by him as 'punishment' when he wets the bed. Everything I've read says he will grow out of it, and I'm sure he will in time.

I try to go with rewards for staying dry for DS. Something that was working was the promise of being able to sleep over at a friends house if he could reliably stay dry. He had been embarrassed to accept an invitation earlier in the year, even wearing pull ups, but had started to work towards being consistently dry, then covid happened and he realised sleepovers weren't going to be possible any time soon so that incentive was lost.

I'd go with rewards, and not what your DS sees as 'punishment' (the shower), and just keep faith that he will manage to stay dry in his own time. As for cleanliness, DS just wipes himself clean in the morning, he doesn't smell of wee at all.

4amWitchingHour · 02/12/2020 10:00

I would say stop all gaming in the morning if it's stopping him from being hygienic. Not as a punishment, just as a practical thing - he needs enough time to get ready in the morning, and gaming doesn't allow for that. I was never allowed to watch tv before school for the same reason

4amWitchingHour · 02/12/2020 10:01

And although he's agreed to a flannel wash, it might be that he starts trying to dodge that too if it cuts in to gaming time...

littlemisslozza · 02/12/2020 10:23

My youngest DS was 8.5 before he was dry at night. We tried the medication which didn't show any difference initially; I also got him a 'wetstop' alarm to wear at night. I'm not sure what did the trick but within a month of using both together he had stopped wetting at night and has been fine for almost a year now. My older two boys were both about 6 before they were dry at night so I knew it was within the boundaries of normal.

To the poster who suggested rewarding dry nights - you know that this is controlled by a hormone that may not be produced yet? There is no incentive that can work on something you can't control so the child will still feel rubbish when they wet the bed and don't get a reward even though it's not their fault!

I agree with a warm flannel/lower body wash being sufficient in the morning and a proper bath or shower later in the day when time is not a limiting factor. Good luck, I hope he gets through it soon.

Clymene · 02/12/2020 10:43

I don't think you're punishing him - I think if he hates the shower, he might see it as a punishment. Two different things.

Give it a try with the flannel wash and see if it helps. If he fibs again, then have a chat. But I agree that if the flannel wash/shower becomes part of his morning routine rather than something that only happens when he wets the bed, it will help things hugely.

I think punishment/reward is completely inappropriate for bedwetting - because either approach they have some control over it. They don't. And consequences for lying about it will be associated with the bedwetting even though you mean them to be associated with the lying!

Take out all shame and emotion (and I do know how hard that is - I had nearly 9 years of it) in the way you deal with it.

It's a shame your ex is so anti desmopressin - it had an amazing effect on my son. He was on the max dose initially but we tapered it off and he was completely dry and off meds within 6 months.

Original poster
twentypasttwelve · 02/12/2020 10:56

I think punishment/reward is completely inappropriate for bedwetting - because either approach they have some control over it. They don't.

I agree with this. I tried rewarding too, and his little face when he wouldn't get a reward because he was wet was heartbreaking so I stopped doing that. And of course I disagree with punishing... I didn't see the shower as punishment at all... Just being clean and smelling nice on a school day. The rules are relaxed at the weekends.

We wake up an hour before we set off for school, plenty of time for a few games AND a shower AND breakfast. Sometimes we sit and watch TV together. We generally never rush and mornings are usually a peaceful, enjoyable time of the day.

Clymene... I suspect my ex doesn't want to do the meds because I suggested it and I am up for it. He often uses our son in his pathetic little games.

OP posts:
midnightstar66 · 02/12/2020 11:12

I'd just change the routine so he can only play games or watch tv after his shower. Not as a punishment just a general routine change so you aren't late. He'll soon be in and out in no time. Games are a reward for getting ready quickly. Do it every day so it's not linked with the wetting and he can still have the odd bath for fun in the evening if he chooses.

Clymene · 02/12/2020 11:46

Oh bless!

I think if you make the wash/shower part of his normal morning routine, then he won't associate it with bedwetting - it's just something that happens every day.

I'm sorry your ex is an arse - doesn't help!

pumpkinpie01 · 02/12/2020 12:02

How about a pack of baby wipes instead of a wash or shower , it will be quicker and will still get him clean .

GrumpyHoonMain · 02/12/2020 12:06

The shower in the morning should be non-negotiable and unrelated to his wetting himself. That way it doesn’t matter whether he wets himself or not at least he’s clean.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 02/12/2020 15:43

I would tell your ex that the GP has said that the meds are the only way he will be able to stop wetting the bed, and that as the whole situation is distressing to the child, strongly advises that he be given them before he becomes anxious - which will make things worse.

Allowing the boy to persist with bedwetting when there is a potential for help in the form of meds is quite upsetting. How long does he stay with his Dad?

Happyheartlovelife · 02/12/2020 15:50

By the way

An alarm is amazing for bed wetting. You can buy them quite cheaply

Friend said it was amazing for her son. They’d tried all the drugs and nothing.

Happyheartlovelife · 02/12/2020 15:53

Making him have a shower wojldnt stop it. The nighttime wetting

Kids wet because we make a hormone. Kids who wet brains just hasn’t started to make the hormone. You can however kick start the hormone with drugs or the alarm.

Seafog · 02/12/2020 15:53

Why does he need to play computer games in the morning before school?
If that was just an after school thing, he wouldn't be shower dodging, by what you said earlier.

Happyheartlovelife · 02/12/2020 16:00

Also. The Meds are an actual hormone. It’s called desmoptessin. It’s to replace the hormone vasopressin. Which is what the pituitary makes. So people with an illness called diabeties insipidus (nothing to do with the normal diabeties) means they also don’t make vasopressin. So adults can have it too. They cannot control the sodium in their blood. Meaning they drink too much fluid. Up to 20 litres a day for some. And urinate more than 3 litres a day.

Now. The constipation

It can take 2-3 years for the vowel to go back to the normal shape. So the vowel stretches and causes pressure on the bladder.

So it can take up to 3 years after the resolution of constipation

So no rush. I know we think it is. But no rush. Try the alarm. It’s what I would recommend. More than the hormones. More than anything else.

SpeckledyHen · 02/12/2020 16:07

OP how can he lie to you about being wet ? Surely you must have a bed to change along with wet PJs when he has an accident?