8 year old lied again about wet bedtime pants

[twentypasttwelve]

Hello everyone

My 8 year old son isn't always dry at night yet (we have tried everything and even brought him to a specialist which I've put on hold due to Covid). I've started several threads about it and had great advice but that's not what this post is about.

Whilst he is around 75% dry, he does have regular night time wetting. We agreed that if he is wet, he will get a shower in the morning, for hygiene reasons. If he's dry, he will get a bath in the evening instead.

He HATES getting a morning shower.

A few times he's lied and told me he was dry when he wasn't. The first time, I ignored it and let him off. Second time I told him I knew he'd lied, and made him get a shower. Third time I told him I didn't like being lied to, and that if he did it again there would be consequences.

He's done it again this morning.

Now, I realise he hates showers, and I realise he may be embarrassed about it. I'm stumped as to how I tackle this... I told him there would be consequences but I didn't think about WHAT consequences. Its too late for him to shower now as it would make us late for school.

He's such a great kid, never lies about anything else, hardly ever puts a foot wrong. So I'm not great at doling out consequences. I need a little guidance!

WWYD??

Also be clear the being late is a consequence of lying not of the wetting.

I’d like to clarify I don’t think he will actually smell of wee, don’t worry, I just meant it in the same way I’d tell my dc they might have stinky breath at school if they don’t clean their teeth, no ‘consequence’ needed.

@twentypasttwelve

Now I feel like a terrible mum

Ah, don’t beat yourself up. It’s hard. And having an older child who isn’t dry can be really frustrating. My DD was 9 before she stopped having any nighttime accidents and I wasn’t perfect at handling it all the time, it could be really frustrating. You have asked for opinions, and got some ideas. Be kind to yourself x

And yes this is about the washing self after, not the wetting, which your dc obviously can’t help.

Sorry for repetition in my post, i have shitloads to do before school and work and shouldn’t be here!

You are not a terrible mum at all. He doesn't want a shower because of the game. Stop all games in the morning (then can read/colour)....that isn't a punishment but it removes one of the issues.

You want a consequence for lying - all consequences here involve removing electronics. E.g. one evening or one weekend

As for showering - two choices - either shower (bottom half only) or stand in the bath and have a strip wash with a bowl of warm water. (Really not much different to a shower but you give him a choice).

Good luck.

No point in feeling bad. I’d either switch to everyone having morning showers or at least some people randomly having showers. And perhaps playing games before school needs to be discussed further if it is stopping him from making good choices.
In a hospital setting we don’t wash everyone who is incontinent over night. Many people get a freshen up with wipes which is fine so that would be another option for him- his own little bin with some wipes but he needs to be able to be trusted to do this for his own hygiene and wellbeing so have a chat again. Sounds like he is a good lad so I think you need to just talk and see what he says about the lying etc.

@CherryPavlova

I suspect it’s the association of showering as punishment for incontinence. Reframe showers. Stop all night time baths for everyone as bath is broken. Everyone has a morning shower. No more shame or mention that it’s because he’s wet.

Yes I agree with this too! Good idea.

But with making sure you say it’s nothing to do with his accidents, and everything to do with the bath being broken.

How about a wash with a flannel instead? In ye old days people had a bath once a week and no one died.

I know you're not thinking about a punishment for the bedwetting but rather for the lying, but there's a high chance he'll see the 2 things as the same.

I was a bed wetter until I was about 7. My mother got increasingly angry with me about it, and one day told me that if I did it again I'd get the belt in the morning - unfortunately not an unusual punishment in my home. I woke up at about 03:00 to discover I'd wet the bed - not a great amount, but enough to get belted for. I got an electric heater which I tilted at an angle to dry the bed, then read a book for a bit while it dried... unfortunately I didn't notice that it had tipped over and burned a hole in the sheet (bloody lucky I didn't set the house alight). Unsurprisingly, I got the belt for that as well.

Please don't punish your child, he's not doing it on purpose and is trying to hide it to avoid the shower 'punishment'

My child hates showers. I used to clean him with a wet flannel that was warm if he wet the bed. I know people are saying leave him with dry wee on him but i dont think thats very nice really.

I sympathise a lot. My son was wet 75% of the time too until he was finally dry aged 10 (after we got him a enuresis alarm (bloody expensive but it did work).

We used pull ups & I found he was only secretive when we used to try and reward him if he was dry. He hid his wet pull ups & put on a dry pair before we woke up so that he'd earn whatever reward we had agreed on. That was when he was about 8.

I tried not to be angry - he really couldn't help wetting the bed. The only thing I asked was that he stripped the sheets back asap so that it didn't leak through to the mattress (even though we had mattress protectors too).

I agree with the others that just a wipe with a flannel is enough in the morning - reassure him that this won't last forever (although it feels like it for us parents!)

If it was my child I would make him/her have a quick warm shower. It takes a few minutes which is especially good when they have school. Some children hate showers but basically its a quick in and out after soaping and not a big issue. You to me are doing everything right.

It's upset me that some poster are implying I'm punishing my child, I'm not. He was teased in his last school for smelling of wee (he used to have issues with daytime wetting too but that's sorted now, thank god). He knows this is in his best interest to keep clean. I come from a childhood filled with abuse and some of you here have made me feel like I am abusing my child. I have worked incredibly hard to break the cycle of abuse in my family so this has really touched a nerve and made me very emotional and sad.

My son is a happy boy, and we have a fantastic relationship. Like I said I've never really had to dole out consequences before because he is generally a great kid.

I spoke to him about it on the way to school. He said he wasn't lying and that he thought they were dry. Which has to be a lie because the pull ups were absolutely sopping in the bin. I told him it didn't matter and asked if he'd prefer to flannel wash instead. He said yes. So that's that. I won't bring it up again with him unless he wants to.

Thanks to those who gave good advice and some sympathy. Having a child who has never really been dry, 8 years of dealing with it, has been stressful at times and I have always tried so so so hard to not shame him or make a huge deal of it.

@Gumbo

I know you're not thinking about a punishment for the bedwetting but rather for the lying, but there's a high chance he'll see the 2 things as the same.

I was a bed wetter until I was about 7. My mother got increasingly angry with me about it, and one day told me that if I did it again I'd get the belt in the morning - unfortunately not an unusual punishment in my home. I woke up at about 03:00 to discover I'd wet the bed - not a great amount, but enough to get belted for. I got an electric heater which I tilted at an angle to dry the bed, then read a book for a bit while it dried... unfortunately I didn't notice that it had tipped over and burned a hole in the sheet (bloody lucky I didn't set the house alight). Unsurprisingly, I got the belt for that as well.

Please don't punish your child, he's not doing it on purpose and is trying to hide it to avoid the shower 'punishment'

I so sorry to hear this. I came from an abusive background too. I do hope you don't think I am in any way like this 😔

Just fill up a pot of warm water, stand him in the bath tub and pour it down his legs quickly with a rub of a flannel. He could do that himself even to get the wee off quickly.

He can wear pull ups nightly and wear the same ones if they stay dry.

Hi Op we had the same problem with my stepson he would regularly wet the bed 2 or 3 times a night at that age it was relentless and really frustrating with the amount of washing etc. He did begin to be embarrassed but we never made an issue out of it. We didn't use pull ups specifically because his mum lied to my partner that when he was a toddler he wasn't wearing nappies at night when he was. So at our house he wasn't wearing any and was getting confused...a whole other thread! Anyway we tried everything to help him stop, he tried the tablets, the alarm, just letting him sleep through it literally nothing worked. We ended up setting an alarm twice a night and we took it in turns to get him up, now 13 we got an alarm for his room and made sure it was set at the other end of his room so he has to get up to switch it off (otherwise he was just pressing the button and going back to sleep) this has worked really well and it makes him feel less anxious as he is in control of it. Also if he does have an accident no big deal...strip your bed, put in washer and have a shower. Touch wood we are 4 months in and I think he has been wet once. Much less stress for everyone. The Dr said that some boys don't produce a hormone until puberty that slows down urine production at night so it really isn't his fault. I totally get your frustration though x

You're not a terrible mum. You acknowledged yourself that you knew it was nuts to think he'd be able to wake up for a wee to avoid a shower.

I think no baths for anyone in the house while the taps are being fixed, and morning showers all round are the right call here. When the bath is fixed, he could go back to a quick dip in the morning every morning, but perhaps the discomfort over the shower will have worn off by then.

I think the not wanting to get in the shower, but being fine while in it, is pretty reasonable. I feel like that sometimes!

Routine and it being just a quick, functional thing that everyone does in the morning will really help. Then you can get the medication as soon as you're able to sort out a new appointment.

@tiggy20

I sympathise a lot. My son was wet 75% of the time too until he was finally dry aged 10 (after we got him a enuresis alarm (bloody expensive but it did work).

We used pull ups & I found he was only secretive when we used to try and reward him if he was dry. He hid his wet pull ups & put on a dry pair before we woke up so that he'd earn whatever reward we had agreed on. That was when he was about 8.

I tried not to be angry - he really couldn't help wetting the bed. The only thing I asked was that he stripped the sheets back asap so that it didn't leak through to the mattress (even though we had mattress protectors too).

I agree with the others that just a wipe with a flannel is enough in the morning - reassure him that this won't last forever (although it feels like it for us parents!)

Thank you for sharing!

I don’t think people think you are punishing him. I think he may think you are. I think it’s good you don’t want him being the smelly child - and yes, urine does smell after a while on a warm body.

If it’s about water over his head, can you also lower the spray head so it hits at chest height?

Dry wee will cause damage to his skin so it has to be washed off.

I can imagine it's frustrating for both of you. But so long as he can just give himself a quick wipe down in the morning after having a practise run the night before with you then you no longer have to get involved as much as he can just manage it himself.

I come from a childhood filled with abuse and some of you here have made me feel like I am abusing my child. I have worked incredibly hard to break the cycle of abuse in my family so this has really touched a nerve and made me very emotional and sad.

Please don't be sad. We ALL screw up sometimes, even when we have the very best of intentions. I know I have with my DC. But we move on and learn and you're doing fine. Please don't take it to heart.

By practise run just go through tonight how warm the water needs to be for him to run into a pot for him to dip his flannel in and then wring out and then wipe his legs etc and then dry himself off.

I so sorry to hear this. I came from an abusive background too. I do hope you don't think I am in any way like this 😔

Op, I don't think anyone thinks you're abusing your child (I can only imagine how horrendously frustrating it is having to endlessly spend your life washing bedding) . The fact hat your child is lying about it suggests that he's struggling with it too, so it's just about making sure he knows you're on the same team with the same goal .

I truly hope he grows out of it very soon!

It is a known thing, unfortunately not well known that it can take boys, especially, ages to be dry at night. My son was 8 i think. It is not something he can control. Its why rewarding doesn't work and makes the child feels worse. And while you obviously don't like him lying he is linking it all together.
Make sure that you are doing all you can to help him. For mine it was picking him up for the toilet when I went to bed. Try all the help you can, and if the medication will help that surely for the small time it will take till his body does it itself, it is worth it for his self esteem. A tip is to layer the bed. So protecter, sheet, protecter, sheet so that a layer can be stripped quickly in the night.