What to do when you and DH fundamentally disagree about parenting

[Shefliesonherownwings]

DH and I have 5 week old DS. He’s a pretty good baby IMO, feeds well, sleeps well, seems happy. We’ve had a few issues with reflux and trapped wind, as well as a lot of congestion from mucous which we’re still working on. DS also seems to much prefer to settle and sleep on me than DH, not sure if this is part of the problem.

Basically DH seems to be of the view that DS should only be sleeping in his Moses basket and we should only be feeding him a certain number of times a day. Currently DS will sleep in his basket but only for around 2 hours each time. He then seems to wake and if he’s not hungry, he’ll generally settle on me and sleep for a further 2 hours. I don’t really mind this to be honest. Yes it kills my back and at night I need to stay awake but I love the cuddles and more importantly it means he gets good sleep. He’s also formula fed and my view has always been, if he’s hungry feed him. Even if he fed an hour ago, if he’s unhappy and seems hungry, offer him food. If he doesn’t want it, he won’t take it. However DH thinks he should be going 4 hours or so between feeds because of the amount he now takes. DH also feels DS needs to learn to sleep in his basket rather than on me or on the rare occasion on DH. I am strongly of the view that whatever DS needs we should provide. He’s only 5 weeks old and still tiny, if he feels comforted and safer sleeping on us so be it. We’ve tried putting him back in his basket once he’s dozey but he generally becomes distressed until one of us, usually me, holds him. I just don’t believe in putting any real routine in place as he’s so young. Maybe others feels differently but that it is my view and DH seems to disagree.

We’re really butting heads about it and I’m getting pretty pissed off that he’s trying to fit DS into a routine at this age. Equally he’s getting pissed off with me for not wanting to. He just says DS needs to learn to sleep in his basket. The same with feeding. We just can’t seem to reach a common ground and we’ve had words about it tonight, hence my posting at this time. DS woke up, was unsettled and DH kept trying to resettle him in his basket but it clearly wasn’t working.

What do I do? I don’t want to be fighting about this but at the same time I feel very strongly that it’s not fair on DS to be made to fit into a routine at 5 weeks. I’m not sure either of us is willing to compromise to be honest. I’m at a loss as to how to move forward without arguing.

Your DH sounds like every parent of the 70s to 90s. You sound like a 2020-style “attachment parent”. Different philosophies, ultimately most kids raised under either one turns out just fine. So, how to choose?

I think as long as whatever you’re disagreeing on doesn’t pose an active danger to the child, you’ve got two options:

1. sit down together and do some research on the issue. Look for reliable sources of public health information, like scientific publications or government agencies. DON’T just each look for random bloggers who support your differing opinions. Do the research together and come to consensus together. My DH and I have done this a few times (e.g., when we’ve had different starting positions on sleep training or breastfeeding past 1 year)
2. Flip a coin. But whatever choice you make, stick to it, because babies thrive on consistency.

Welcome to parenting where there are few perfect answers, and a million people ready to tell you you’re both wrong! ;-)

It sounds you are following current medical advice to feed on demand and your husband. Where is your husband getting his ideas from? Will he listen to the HV or a book instead?

Well, you're both right.

The baby should be fed on demand. If FF, that means you give him a bottle when he wants one, and if he empties it, give him more. At 5wks he's about to hit a huge growthspurt, so he's likely to feed lots. If your husband won't listen to you, try pointing him to some research online, and if that doesnt work get him to talk to your HV.

However, he's right about the basket. The safest way for your baby to sleep is on his back, on a firm mattress, in his own separate sleep space, with you in the room. It can be tough getting them to that point- have you tried warming the basket with a hot water bottle, and putting a tshirt youve worn in over the mattress like a sheet? Having the baby asleep on your chest for hours at night really isn't safe, your husband is right about the basket.

@Ohalrightthen right that it’s not safe to sit up holding your baby over night. Please read the link below, many parents cosleep and it’s when people aren’t prepared to safely do it that it comes a risk.

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/

You did say you stay awake when holding the baby which is acceptable, as long as you don't fall asleep holding him, at which point co sleep

I'm interested to know where your husband studied "child raising" or "early years development" as he's clearly an expert.

I'd call his bluff and ask him to provide his source of info.

Or call his bluff more (if you can bare it) and let him do the parenting for a day his way. He won't last more than a few hours before conceding.

You're right, 5 weeks is too tiny for a routine. My dd (6m) still falls asleep on me occasionally- that's fine. She also sleeps really well in her cot!

Gin might have the answer tbh, say ok you be in charge, we'll do it your way. It will be a miserable few hours of baby crying but it might be enough to show DH that baby is still in the 4th trimester, he isn't old enough to think golly I'm in a crib I'd better sleep now, or I'm hungry but I ate 3 hours ago so I'll just wait. He's a tiny baby with a tiny tummy and tiny patience

Thanks everyone, I appreciate all the views. In terms of sleeping, at night I prop myself up with pillows and have managed to stay awake holding the baby. Last night I held him for a bit then put him back in his basket and he stayed asleep for another hour or so. However, I am worried I may doze off one time. I always said I didn’t want to co sleep as I was worried I’d squash him or he’d roll off the bed but I’m starting to see that holding him at night isn’t much safer. I’ve been looking into co sleeping and I may give it a go if things don’t improve. I don’t actually think DH has an issue with DS being held because of safety though, he seems to not want to get into bad habits and wants DS to learn to settle in his basket. I don’t believe he’s anywhere near old enough to learn this yet.

The feeding is our main issue. He seems to be setting a lot of store by what the formula box says in terms of number of feeds per day. This is despite the HV telling us to ignore what the box says and to feed as much and often as DS wants. DH seems to think midwives and HVs know nothing. We have definitely had bad experiences with midwives and come across some useless ones but our HV is really good and I’ll go by what she says. If DS was screaming he’d feed him, it’s more when he’s unsettled and I suggest he may be hungry that DH says things like we can’t keep feeding him and he should be be able to go four hours etc... it’s really causing an atmosphere between us to be honest.

@Shefliesonherownwings

Thanks everyone, I appreciate all the views. In terms of sleeping, at night I prop myself up with pillows and have managed to stay awake holding the baby. Last night I held him for a bit then put him back in his basket and he stayed asleep for another hour or so. However, I am worried I may doze off one time. I always said I didn’t want to co sleep as I was worried I’d squash him or he’d roll off the bed but I’m starting to see that holding him at night isn’t much safer. I’ve been looking into co sleeping and I may give it a go if things don’t improve. I don’t actually think DH has an issue with DS being held because of safety though, he seems to not want to get into bad habits and wants DS to learn to settle in his basket. I don’t believe he’s anywhere near old enough to learn this yet.

The feeding is our main issue. He seems to be setting a lot of store by what the formula box says in terms of number of feeds per day. This is despite the HV telling us to ignore what the box says and to feed as much and often as DS wants. DH seems to think midwives and HVs know nothing. We have definitely had bad experiences with midwives and come across some useless ones but our HV is really good and I’ll go by what she says. If DS was screaming he’d feed him, it’s more when he’s unsettled and I suggest he may be hungry that DH says things like we can’t keep feeding him and he should be be able to go four hours etc... it’s really causing an atmosphere between us to be honest.

People will tell you to ignore everyone who says you're making a rod for your own back with the sleeping, and of course you can to do whatever (safe) method gets you the best sleep, but your husband isn't wrong on the fact that the earlier your baby gets used to the basket, the easier your lives will be. It's not that you'll "spoil" the baby, it's just that you're getting him more and more used to sleeping on you, and the older he gets the more effort (and tears) it will take to get him used to sleeping in the cot.

The feeding thing he's straight up wrong on though, and there's lots of research out there that will tell him so.

Are you swaddling when you put baby in the modes basket? Sometimes they like to feel secure, which swaddling can offer, as you really can't try staying awake at night, it's very bad for you not to get as much sleep as you can.

If your DS was breastfed, he'd currently be cluster feeding non-stop. Your DH is ignorant and his advice is outdated and dangerous.

There a great book - Why Love Matters - about attachment. It's a really helpful read.

A five week old baby should be fed on demand. This isn't a parenting opinion. It's what should happen.

Who is looking after the baby on a daily basis? I presume you're on mat leave, what is DH doing for work? He's clearly got strong opinions but it's unclear if he's playing a role in helping baby learn to settle in basket (and that's way more involved than just putting them in the basket & expecting them to sleep) or is he expecting YOU to action his demands while he sods off to work/gym etc. If you're the primary carer then your way goes in my opinion.

DH says things like we can’t keep feeding him

I actually find this really upsetting and quite disturbing to be honest. I think you need to take a long hard look at your husband and what kind of man he is.

Ask your DP if he always goes four hours between meals? Does he never want a snack or a drink? Does he live his life by some arbitrary routine that someone else plucked the timings of out of thin air?

I think every 4 hours is the MINIMUM they should be requiring a feed from formula, not the only amount they should be fed.

This has given me a bit of a yucky gut feeling.

I'm kind of interested in the fact that not only is your DH dismissing your own maternal instincts, he's also dismissive of all midwives and health visitors. I'm afraid I honestly feel like most decent men whose partners have just grown a baby with their own body, and managed to it out of their somehow, would be supporting their partner and being a bit more respectful of the female professionals employed to support them.

In any event, he doesn't know what he's talking about. It just sounds like he wants to be in more control, of both the baby and you.

Also on the 4 hour feeding thing, I'm not sure I ever go 4 hours without eating, unless I'm asleep. Why would a baby?

@Shefliesonherownwings

Thanks everyone, I appreciate all the views. In terms of sleeping, at night I prop myself up with pillows and have managed to stay awake holding the baby. Last night I held him for a bit then put him back in his basket and he stayed asleep for another hour or so. However, I am worried I may doze off one time. I always said I didn’t want to co sleep as I was worried I’d squash him or he’d roll off the bed but I’m starting to see that holding him at night isn’t much safer. I’ve been looking into co sleeping and I may give it a go if things don’t improve. I don’t actually think DH has an issue with DS being held because of safety though, he seems to not want to get into bad habits and wants DS to learn to settle in his basket. I don’t believe he’s anywhere near old enough to learn this yet.

The feeding is our main issue. He seems to be setting a lot of store by what the formula box says in terms of number of feeds per day. This is despite the HV telling us to ignore what the box says and to feed as much and often as DS wants. DH seems to think midwives and HVs know nothing. We have definitely had bad experiences with midwives and come across some useless ones but our HV is really good and I’ll go by what she says. If DS was screaming he’d feed him, it’s more when he’s unsettled and I suggest he may be hungry that DH says things like we can’t keep feeding him and he should be be able to go four hours etc... it’s really causing an atmosphere between us to be honest.

There's no chance in hell my twins were going 4 hours at 5 weeks. DS was tube fed and was on 3 hourly feeds til far older

God, how awful that he doesn't want his own baby to feed. What a fucking psychopath.

Disturbing that he dismisses midwives and health visitors - I presume they're female? Perhaps he would listen to a bepenised MW/HV

Hmm some of your points have given me pause for thought. I feel I’ve painted DH in a more negative light than is perhaps fair. He’s not working currently, both our choice that he quit his old job and take the rest of the year off. He absolutely does his equal share of parenting and probably does more of the housework load than me. He tries to settle DS in his basket but DS doesn’t settle as well for him as he does for me, so I inevitably put him down in his basket. The issue is when DS wakes up in his basket, isn’t hungry, hot, cold, in need of a change etc...I feel he just wants comfort from us, or rather me so I get him out. DH thinks we should persevere with helping him settle in the basket longer. When it’s 3am though, I just want to settle DS so I get him out and on me. I can’t bear to hear him not happy.

Yes the feeding makes me feel very uncomfortable. As I say, DH wouldn’t not feed him if it was obvious he was hungry. It’s more when DS is unsettled, DH seems to think that because he ate 2 hours ago and took say 150mls, he can’t possibly be hungry again. My view is, he might be so let’s offer it. I don’t know why DH is being so stubborn and regimented about this, but it has made me see him in a different, not very pleasant, light.

DH does have good reason not to trust HCPs, particularly midwives. We’ve been on the receiving end of incompetence care in the past which had disastrous consequences. However, we’ve no reason not to trust our HV who has been very helpful and supportive. I am unhappy that he’s not being as supportive as I think he should. It’s making things harder, constantly butting heads and isn’t doing my MH much good. I don’t necessarily think it is a control thing, although it could be. But I’m basically overruling DH about the feeding and feeding on demand. DS comes first and I’ll not let him be put into some ridiculous timeframe at this age.

Your husband is a twat.
Enjoy your newborn cuddles and more importantly, follow your instinct in PARENTING and meeting your child’s needs

Sounds like he needs a cat not a baby.

I don't think a bit of routine is a bad thing but 4 hours between feeds for a 5 week old baby is not realistic. You could try a dummy/cuddling but if that doesn't work then definitely feed! Better to give a baby too much attention and cuddles than not enough. I know you are both the parents but in my opinion with tiny babies mum should get the final say. I would not be happy with my dh telling me what to do especially when it goes against current advice!

he seems to not want to get into bad habits
At 5 weeks? Shouldn’t be on your radar IMO. Babies change and develop constantly; deal with “issues” when they arise. Don’t pre-empt then. And things are only an “issue” if they don’t work for you, not because your baby is doing something different from the textbook or what society says.

@Sadhoot I’m sorry but you’re completely wrong with the assumption that DH doesn’t trust HCPs because of their gender. As I mentioned above, he has good reason to be wary because of previous incompetent care. He’d be the same with male midwives.

It’s also not the case that he doesn’t want his son to feed. He just seems to want him to go by this four hour timetable which I agree is not on. Your comments aren’t really helpful though.