What to do when you and DH fundamentally disagree about parenting

[Shefliesonherownwings]

DH and I have 5 week old DS. He’s a pretty good baby IMO, feeds well, sleeps well, seems happy. We’ve had a few issues with reflux and trapped wind, as well as a lot of congestion from mucous which we’re still working on. DS also seems to much prefer to settle and sleep on me than DH, not sure if this is part of the problem.

Basically DH seems to be of the view that DS should only be sleeping in his Moses basket and we should only be feeding him a certain number of times a day. Currently DS will sleep in his basket but only for around 2 hours each time. He then seems to wake and if he’s not hungry, he’ll generally settle on me and sleep for a further 2 hours. I don’t really mind this to be honest. Yes it kills my back and at night I need to stay awake but I love the cuddles and more importantly it means he gets good sleep. He’s also formula fed and my view has always been, if he’s hungry feed him. Even if he fed an hour ago, if he’s unhappy and seems hungry, offer him food. If he doesn’t want it, he won’t take it. However DH thinks he should be going 4 hours or so between feeds because of the amount he now takes. DH also feels DS needs to learn to sleep in his basket rather than on me or on the rare occasion on DH. I am strongly of the view that whatever DS needs we should provide. He’s only 5 weeks old and still tiny, if he feels comforted and safer sleeping on us so be it. We’ve tried putting him back in his basket once he’s dozey but he generally becomes distressed until one of us, usually me, holds him. I just don’t believe in putting any real routine in place as he’s so young. Maybe others feels differently but that it is my view and DH seems to disagree.

We’re really butting heads about it and I’m getting pretty pissed off that he’s trying to fit DS into a routine at this age. Equally he’s getting pissed off with me for not wanting to. He just says DS needs to learn to sleep in his basket. The same with feeding. We just can’t seem to reach a common ground and we’ve had words about it tonight, hence my posting at this time. DS woke up, was unsettled and DH kept trying to resettle him in his basket but it clearly wasn’t working.

What do I do? I don’t want to be fighting about this but at the same time I feel very strongly that it’s not fair on DS to be made to fit into a routine at 5 weeks. I’m not sure either of us is willing to compromise to be honest. I’m at a loss as to how to move forward without arguing.

Next time he makes himself a drink tell him he had one 3 hours ago so he can’t possibly want another one yet.

You are right about feeding, he is wrong. It's not a matter of opinion or approach. Withholding milk from a tiny baby based on an arbitrary schedule is abusive in my view. I had a baby who probably never went more than 2hrs in the day time. Your instinct is right.

I also had a DH who was a little like this, would have strong opinions without any basis in modern parenting. I nipped it in the bud sharpish. Funny how midwives and health visitors spend so much time educating mothers and once we're home we end up with dad's who know jack shit telling us we're wrong!

I don't know why I have such a visceral reaction to reading this, but I am feeling outraged T reading what your husband has written.

His thinking is so so so so outdated. Who is drip feeding this stuff in his ear hmm 🧐

ask him to back up everything he's saying with evidence.

When he can't, you direct him to links from the National childbirth trust, nhs etc.

Tell him to look up the forth trimester.

"Bad habits"

The baby literally doesn't know it's a separate entity to its mother yet. Christ. Tell him he can talk about bad habits in about 6,7,8 months time. Maybe.

It is really upsetting to think you DH would be happy to led a tiny baby cry and go hungry rather that feed him. I FF and the guidance is to feed on demand, same as breastfeeding.

Tell him to read about the forth trimester and to stfu about it atm.

Maybe if he does his own research he'll feel it's more his decision, and at the moment may just be rebelling against your thoughts? My DH does this and its very frustrating. Tell him the MW/HV suggested researching the 4th trimester but you don't have time, could he look into it.

As an aside, for a refluxy baby you may find a soft stretchy sling helpful - a stretchy wrap, caboo or mamaruga zensling would be my recommendations.

Isn’t cuddling your baby one of life’s greatest pleasures? Why are some people so determined to deprive mothers of that? I still cuddle my 4yo to sleep and have never once felt it was a rod for my own back.

Sounds like you are both a bit right and a bit wrong.

He’s absolutely right about the sleeping - your current set up is unsafe and it is important to find a safe sleeping space for your baby.

I agree with you about feeding on demand, but there is also a risk of over feeding with bottle fed babies. If you are offering a bottle immediately for comfort even if the baby has recently fed well, you could try other things first like offering a dummy to be sure it’s hunger and not boredom/tiredness etc.

yes, notice when your husband has breakfast, say 8am.
then if he asks/makes coffee at 10.30am, look shocked and turn the kettle off, saying no, you finished breakfast at 8.30am, so you know you must wait until 12.30pm. repeat as needed.
then smile sweetly. as you give baby a feed.
good luck.

When DD was born I had friends who stuck to the 4 hour feeding - he ended up back in hospital.

Parenting needs to be flexible from the get go - on both your parts (mainly his). You can be flexible allowing him the chance to be in his moses basket for a bit and see what he wants. He needs to realise that life isnt a 4 hour schedule and has flexibility.

My xh is like this. A power house of rules for everyone except himself.

He is actually right about the sleeping. You should be trying/aiming to get him to fall asleep independently, in the Moses basket.

as to sleeping, could you get one of those cradles that attach to the side of the bed, better make it your side ! , so that baby is in own sleeping space but you can easily reach out, fall asleep with hand stretched out over baby. that would be safer, yet close enough to comfort.
good luck.
does you husband believe that your lives should change as little as possible, now that baby's here. is it his mother's ideas ?

Can you get him to read this

www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/bottle-feeding-advice/

particularly this bit:

Be guided by your baby

All babies are different. Some want to feed more often that others, and some want more milk.

Just follow your baby's lead.

Feed them when they seem hungry and don't worry if they don't finish the bottle.

—-
I get that he has a reason not to trust HCP’s but if he feels the need to be guided by something in writing rather than the HV, perhaps he’ll agree that it would be better to follow NHS advice than what it says on the packet for formula.

Have you got white noise, total darkness, swaddle to help baby sleep in the basket. Mine only napped on me for the first 5 months but at night she would sleep in her basket with all of the above.

Sorry she also had a dummy which I never thought I’d do but it helped with her reflux pains and also got all of us more sleep. It was no fun at all when we took it away from her but I don’t regret giving it to her when she needed it.

Jesus my 14 week old still doesn't go four hours between feeds (or even three!). He's breastfeed but still. My brother's boy always drank far far more formula than the box said! Your husband is wrong. Babies go through lots of growth spurts where they will feed more often. It's all a bit disturbing to be honest, it's good to share parenting but ultimately mum overules with young babies.

I don't think your husband is a psychopath. I think he's suffering from what a lot of people suffer from when they first have a baby, which is forgetting that the baby is a human being and not a computer programme or machine. It's not like 'do this and the baby will do that'. It's react to the baby's needs, which, being a human, are not always completely predictable. I think it's quite normal for couples to go through a period of disagreement like this. The mother has had a long time in pregnancy to adjust to the idea of things not being altogether predictable.

However, on the feeding thing, he is wrong and he needs to accept he is wrong. The sleep thing is a matter of opinion (I preferred mine in the moses basket because I slept better, and it does take a bit if effort to make it happen).

Ignore those who say you are making a rod for your own back when it comes to sleeping. Just do whatever works for you, so long as it is safe.
My baby's sleep was okay until she hit the 4 month sleep regression. Up until then I had only co-slept with her a handful of times as I was worried about her not wanting to sleep in her own bed. We ended up co-sleeping permanently for the next 11 weeks as it was the only way she would sleep. Got to 6 months, moved her into her own room and never had a problem.
Your approach to feeding seems fine to me too. The best way to have a content and happy baby is to feed them when they are hungry and not worry about a schedule. As they grow, their feeding requirements will change.
It must be hard when you and DH have different parenting styles but I would just talk to him about it, get him to do some research, speak to HV etc.

My 20 week old doesn't go four hours. It's not just food, milk is their drink too.

I also think babies learn to settle in their beds, but not at this age. We co sleep, but all DD's naps are on me. She doesn't nap otherwise, well not unless you count a maximum of 15 mins in the car seat part way into a journey somewhere.

I think it's really horrible to expect a new mum to ignore her baby being upset or unhappy when she thinks she can make them feel better. I still find it hideous when DD is upset, and hell would freeze over before I'd leave her unhappy to get used to her cot etc.

Good rule of thumb is whatever baby wants baby gets whether it's food sleep cuddles attention for the first 9 months of life at the very very minimum. It's not possible to 'spoil' such a young baby. After that I think it's ok to gradually encourage age appropriate independence.

Me and DP still cuddle our 2.8 year old to sleep and he feels safe loved and protected every single night. No rod on our backs, he'll let us know when he doesn't need it anymore.

I'm sorry you're at loggerheads with DH it's tough and a newborn is as big an adjustment for him as it is for you. Some of the posters on here are forgetting that.

It's really tough but the only thing that works for DP and I when we don't agree about something to do with parenting is to discuss it calmly when neither of us are defensive or feeling emotional. I absolutely think you are right to follow your mama instincts. Sounds like you are doing a great job.

I agree with others this is upsetting to read. Please just continue to follow your instincts and feed and cuddle your baby whenever they need you.
I agree about the sleeping though, it's not worth the risk.

I’m an advocate of routine but after the fourth trimester, DS was 4 months and very receptive to a routine by then. 5 weeks is tiny, and yes you do what you need to do to meet his needs. My DS had to be held for all sleeps until about 3 months old. It was gruelling but we got through it.

Thanks for more views. It’s been a long hard road to get DS here, basically he’s our rainbow baby, so
I’ve wondered if perhaps I’m being too overprotective. It’s good to know, at least on feeding I’m not.

@MyBossIsATwat thanks for that link, very helpful. I’ll definitely get DH to read it. I think you asked if his views come from his mother? Absolutely not, I know for a fact she will agree with me on this. In fact I fact I may speak to her about this and get her to have a word with DH as he’ll listen to her.

I’ve told DH loads about the 4th trimester so I thought he ‘got it’. The HV also explained to us that DS would sometimes want a three course meal and other times a snack or just a drink. So I thought he realised we needed to be led by DS. But DH just seems to think that if DS has a big feed he should sleep X number of hours and doesn’t seem to understand why that doesn’t always happen. I really don’t know why he’s got this mindset.

In terms of sleep, we have a next to me crib but DS hated it. I tried putting a hot water bottle in it and something smelling of me but I think it was just too big for him so we swapped to the Moses basket as he always slept well in that for naps. I think it’s cosier for him. We have a white noise machine and keep it dark. One issue we have is that as DS was a section baby he has a lot of mucous and is pretty congested, this often wakes him up, as does his startle reflex. We tried swaddling him, DH actually did it much better than me but we were told he should be able to get his arms out so we loosened it and now he gets distressed if he can’t get his arms out. Then when they’re out his startle reflex kicks in so it’s a bit of a vicious cycle. I do agree about the safety issues though. Daytime cuddles are lovely and I won’t stop them but holding him at night isn’t ideal.

After constant battles with my first two dc trying and failing to get them to sleep in their cots, with the next three I didn't bother. They co-slept with me from the start and we all had a much happier time. And no it wasn't a rod for my back; they all made it into their cots pretty consistently at around the 9 month mark.