What to do when you and DH fundamentally disagree about parenting

[Shefliesonherownwings]

DH and I have 5 week old DS. He’s a pretty good baby IMO, feeds well, sleeps well, seems happy. We’ve had a few issues with reflux and trapped wind, as well as a lot of congestion from mucous which we’re still working on. DS also seems to much prefer to settle and sleep on me than DH, not sure if this is part of the problem.

Basically DH seems to be of the view that DS should only be sleeping in his Moses basket and we should only be feeding him a certain number of times a day. Currently DS will sleep in his basket but only for around 2 hours each time. He then seems to wake and if he’s not hungry, he’ll generally settle on me and sleep for a further 2 hours. I don’t really mind this to be honest. Yes it kills my back and at night I need to stay awake but I love the cuddles and more importantly it means he gets good sleep. He’s also formula fed and my view has always been, if he’s hungry feed him. Even if he fed an hour ago, if he’s unhappy and seems hungry, offer him food. If he doesn’t want it, he won’t take it. However DH thinks he should be going 4 hours or so between feeds because of the amount he now takes. DH also feels DS needs to learn to sleep in his basket rather than on me or on the rare occasion on DH. I am strongly of the view that whatever DS needs we should provide. He’s only 5 weeks old and still tiny, if he feels comforted and safer sleeping on us so be it. We’ve tried putting him back in his basket once he’s dozey but he generally becomes distressed until one of us, usually me, holds him. I just don’t believe in putting any real routine in place as he’s so young. Maybe others feels differently but that it is my view and DH seems to disagree.

We’re really butting heads about it and I’m getting pretty pissed off that he’s trying to fit DS into a routine at this age. Equally he’s getting pissed off with me for not wanting to. He just says DS needs to learn to sleep in his basket. The same with feeding. We just can’t seem to reach a common ground and we’ve had words about it tonight, hence my posting at this time. DS woke up, was unsettled and DH kept trying to resettle him in his basket but it clearly wasn’t working.

What do I do? I don’t want to be fighting about this but at the same time I feel very strongly that it’s not fair on DS to be made to fit into a routine at 5 weeks. I’m not sure either of us is willing to compromise to be honest. I’m at a loss as to how to move forward without arguing.

My husband had some funny ideas about baby raising and the first 3 months of my little one were fairly rife with conflict. It’s much better now and we are on the same page but it took a while (and much longer to forgive him). I bought Emily Osters ‘cribsheet’ book and it really, really helped my husband on feeding and sleeping stuff, it became his bible. She is a statistician so analysed multiple studies in each area and my husband really appreciated that.

Wtf.

He should read up on the 4th trimester. Baby needs to be having skin to skin and lots of closeness.

Hope you have support from someone else besides this man

When ds1 was very tiny mil was very keen that he was only fed every 4 hours because 'that's what you do'. Kept on about it. We (I) were spoiling him.
One day they were visiting and she said to dh she was thirsty and fancied a cup of tea. Dh just looked at her and said "Sorry mum, kettle's not due to go on for another 2.5 hours". I have never loved him more!
She never mentioned it again

Not sure if that helps you any op but it was coming up 17 years ago and it still makes me chuckle!

Is he reading Gina bloody Ford? If so, burn it.

I suspect he feels panicked by the idea of something he can’t predict, control and “get right” just by reading the rules and following them. ls he quite a high achiever?

@Passanotherjaffacake thank you for posting. Finally someone else who had disagreements with their DH. It seems as if we have been bickering and falling out more in the past 5 weeks than in the entire 7 years we’ve been together.

I’m finding it hard to look him in the eye and talk civilly to him right now because I’m so annoyed at his attitude.

@minipie no we’re not doing Gina Ford although funnily enough his sister has a baby who’s 8 weeks and she has been doing Gina Ford and has bragged that her DD has dropped the middle of the night feed now, maybe DH thinks DS should be doing that too.

I wouldn’t have called him a high achiever particularly, he’s not an A type personality. However we do both have an element of wanting to control unpredictable situations, this is related to a previous traumatic event. In the first couple of weeks of DS being home I was constantly googling for answers and trying to over analyse things. Speaking to my HV helped and I’ve learned to relax more and go with the flow. DH doesn’t seem so able to go this, he’s he said he wants to ‘fix’ things. My point though is nothing needs fixing, DS is fine and we don’t need to fix his sleep (aside from me not holding him in bed) or feeding as it’s all normal. But this doesn’t seem to go in.

I haven't read all the replies but you know and the advice is to feed on demand. I'm very much in the camp of 'offer and they'll refuse if they're not hungry'. Allowing them to regulate themselves promotes a healthier relationship with food when they're older. Having their needs met whilst their brain is getting used to the world is the best thing you can do and your responsibility as a parent.
Anyway, I'm sure your DH has heard those arguements but I wanted to add, because they're called 'feeds' I think it's easy to forget that it's your baby's fluid too.
I'm sure if a toddler wasn't massively upset but was a bit grumpy and came up to his dad and said he was thirsty, your DH would see how wrong it would be to say 'no you can't have a drink it's only been an hour since lunch' or 'yoi can have a drink when it's been for hours' or to try and distract him by doing something else instead. You wouldn't do it to an older child or an adult so why do it to a baby?
It's also peace of mind if they're unsettled to know they're not hungry if they've been offered/fed. A happy, contented baby is the win here not necessarily a predictable routine for the parents.
I'm sure you'll get other good advice I just think the thirst angle often gets overlooked.
Also people can get hung up on facts like they 'can' go four hours without a feed. I can go all day without eating but it doesn't mean I should or that I could do it everyday.
Babies knows how to survive, they signal what they need. Thousands of years of evolution are right here not the formula packet.
Every time you offer your baby the comfort of you/sustenance when they signal they are making a connection in the brain that tells them they are listened to and the world is good and they are safe. That's worth more than anything else in the early days.
It's all about shaping your baby's brain, not a timetable.

Sorry read your last post and see your struggling with your DH.
I had times early on where I felt my DH would see our baby/their demands as a problem. It wasn't this early and it was mainly over sleep. My DH just felt everything would be better if DC would sleep better (they were a terrible sleeper) and to be fair he wasn't wrong in theory, (more sleep would have been bliss) but in practice he was a few months old and a baby. Also there was lots of 'they should be doing this by now' and 'other babies sleep longer so it's not unreasonable' etc. I felt I had to protect my DC against my DH sometimes and defend them and it's a horrible feeling. I'd have felt even worse if we'd reached that position in the early weeks, you have my sympathy. The common ground could be yes you understand things would be better if your baby fed every four hours and slept in the Moses basket in theory, but in reality how you get there is important. You have to get there in a baby friendly and age appropriate way.
I think you have to give your DH the courtesy of listening to his opinions, but be honest about how much him pushing them is damaging your relationship and enjoyment of having a baby which is an irreplaceable experience. I would come at it from yes you can see where he's coming from but no it's not an appropriate method at this age and you are now concerned for your relationship at this time as this continued disagreement is damaging it and you can't carry on. You are advocating for yourselves as a couple and prioritising your bond by pointing this out. You need to feel like you and DH are a team but you aren't prepared to limit when your baby can have food. I'd be quite upfront and stark at this about this.
It's difficult to feel.like you are arguing for and trying to protect your baby and your relationship. Best of luck

Ahh is he being competitive with his sister and her baby then? Your instincts are right on feeding, that would be a non-negotiable for me. If you're happy with sleeping as you are, continue. You can't get them into 'bad habits' at that age and if someone else is smug about their tiny baby sleeping through, rest safe in the knowledge that they will soon reach a leap or sleep regression and they'll be on their knees with sleep deprivation (if they're generally nice and not smug, lend your sympathy of course!) Swaddling and a dummy was a game changer for us, you can get swaddle bags so you dont have to worry about a blanket swaddle being too tight/not tight enough. I also second Emily Oster's Cribsheet, it's great.

In response to op, I would just do what my instincts were telling me to do.
I breastfed, co slept and wore all 4 of mine. It felt the most normal thing to do to me. Luckily for me dh let me get on with it as he also felt what I was doing was the most natural thing to do.
I think it would have had a major impact on my mental health and feeling towards him if he had tried to interfere with me mothering how I felt was natural and tried to quell my instincts iykwim?

I feel for you. My advice is to keep a notepad handy (or phone) and jot down when he feeds, sleeps, and has 'happy awake time' for the next week or so. There will be a pattern. Your DH can then see there is no problem to fix.Your DH just hasn't noticed the pattern which you are naturally in.

(This is assuming he's not a total knob in competition with his sister.)

Do you think that the massive life changing event of having a baby has made him feel out of control and now he’s obsessing over this one thing as he feels a need to get an element of control back?

I did similar with my baby’s naps, I would get ridiculously out of proportion stressed if she wouldn’t nap when the articles I’d read online said she should. Honestly it seems ridiculous now how much I reacted to it, it was intense and I’d get so angry about her smiling at me when she should be asleep that I’d have to leave the room for a while sometimes. I think it’s because I felt like life had become chaos and I was fixated on trying to at least control one aspect of it.

Can you ask him to think about what the absolute worst thing that could happen if baby feeds more than every 4 hours is. His answer might help you explain to him, or maybe even if you’re lucky he’ll have a good think and realise that the answer is nothing bad at all.

The problem with babies is that they haven't read the parenting books or the side of the formula tub or watched super nanny. Being responsive to your child's needs is the only thing you can do - my DD had a bottle every 1.5-2 hours for the first 3-4 months, it was constant. The lack of sleep is hard but normal - it's not something to be fixed, they are meant to wake up, it's biology! You drink your coffee and nap when you can. I'm afraid the toddler years are going to come as a real shock to him - if he thinks a 5 week old is playing you, wait till your dealing with a 2 year old who wants an ice cream at the playground.

Incidentally a cousin did Gina Ford and her kids were and are fantastic sleepers, we've had all the comparisons (my first arrived not long after her second) and it's irritating but that style of parenting just wouldn't suit our life. It's very rigid and I love being able just to get on with things and go out rather than "baby sleeps at X time" and being tied to the house all the time.

Yes I think I definitely need to remind DH that milk is DSs drink as well as food. DH drinks loads of water so he should hopefully get the importance of DS drinking as well as feeding.

@KatieKat88 I doubt it is a competitive thing. We’ve both said we don’t agree with Gina Ford or SILs way of doing things. He’s never ever been competitive with her so I’d be surprised if it is that but I’m not ruling it out.

I think @MyBossIsATwat has nailed it. We were both so consumed with getting DS here safely we didn’t really think about life with a newborn. I think the overwhelming and unpredictable nature of it all has made him cling to something he thinks he can control. He was very focused on fixing DSs mucous/reflux/trapped wind to start with. These are better, although not fixed, so now it seems he’s moved onto feeding and sleeping. I like the idea of asking him what’s the worst that could happen if DS eats whenever he wants. I’ve also started using the Huckabee app to track feeding and sleeping. I’ll see if that helps.

Thanks to those that recommended that book, I’ll have a look at it more closely today. Currently DS is snoozing on me after a feed and it’s so wonderful to have him curled on me, I don’t get why DH can’t just enjoy this.

Tbh when it comes down to feeding the babies I make the milk, I make the decisions!! I also did much more research than DH. It's 2020, you should at the very least read the NHS website about it.

At that age (I have one as well ) they just looooove and NEED all the cuddles they can get. You may need is to do a lot yourself.... I take it that you have some kind of parental leave and maybe your DH doesn't? I'm the one who wakes up at night to feed. At the moment my baby sleeps under my arm at night because I need whatever rest I can get

He's 5 weeks old, if he's hungry feed him. I believe that you can be there for when they need you,if that's just a cuddle or a feed.
I could not let my baby cry or be in discomfort knowing I could ease it. I am strict in other ways regarding behaviour and manners, but cuddles or a feed at that age, no way restrict it.

What does your husband think will help the baby by leaving it hungry ?

The amount of energy you're both using on battling about this is detrimental to everyone.

Neither of you are working, you have 1 tiny baby to look after (who likely does little aside from feed & sleep). What other things do you have to focus on? And DH? How is he spending his time aside from timing babies feeds? I think You should think carefully about if having him at home all the time is the right thing for your family.

I never had these battles because I was firmly in charge of the babies, that's the job of mat leave. DHs job was to go out to work and earn money. I do wonder if these attempts at 50/50 parenting regimes cause more trouble than solve. This sounds harsher than I mean it to... what I mean is the baby is your expert subject... you grew it and you're the primary carer he needs. Your DH likely isn't going to be able to settle the baby as well initially, that's just biology, and if that makes him feel bad, well tough! He needs to focus on what he's good at.

Buy him "Babies and Toddlers for Men" by Mark Woods (Amazon link) and insist that he reads it.

DH argued a LOT after DC1 was born and we ended up having couple's counselling as things didn't improve. That helped us massively. Now DC2 is here we are arguing again so I suppose it's inevitable. I'm wondering whether we should have some "refresher" counselling. Anyway, don't know if that's helpful but you're not alone!

One thing that pisses me off is that I do all the research, I do obsessive Googling, asking friends for advice, reading Mumsnet thread, reading parenting books... but he does fuck all. I'm also the one doing the vast majority of the childcare (breastfeeding so doing night feeds and also on maternity leave while he works). So actually I get final say if we can't agree. If he doesn't like it, tough! I have told him that I'd like us to make parenting decisions as equal and he does have the right to a say so perhaps he could kindly educate himself and then we can have a conversation. Funnily enough he never fucking bothers. He does listen to me though thankfully. If he refused to listen or research I'd probably tell him to fuck off.

About your baby's digestive issues - sometimes they can be caused by cow's milk protein allergy (CMPA) although if your baby is tolerating formula that's probably unlikely. You mentioned that you had a c-section. Sometimes probiotics can help, BioGaia baby ones are good.

Hang on in there. I find the arguments one of the worst things about having a baby But it does pass or at least it did in our case after a lot of counselling and just time as baby got older and easier to look after.

5 weeks is so small still, things change all the time.
My daughter napped in her travel cot for every nap until 4-5 weeks but now she naps mostly on me. When she is having a good day I am able to move her on bouncy chair or a feeding pillow and some times into her travel cot to finish the nap /wake up. On bad days I can't move every time I do she reaches out and pulls herself close to me.

At night we ended up as reluctant co-sleepers, at 5 weeks I was sitting up holding her like you describe. I was getting sleep deprived and started with pnd. I made the decision that deliberate co-sleeping is safer than accidental co-sleeping. We have good nights and bad nights. On a good night I'm able to resettle her in her crib until the 5 am feed, once the 7am feed. Some nights she won't go into her crib at all so I just keep her in bed with me. My partner sleeps in the spare room during the week so we have lots of room to sleep safely.

The best bit of advice I got before she arrived was "everything is temporary" sadly it also means good habits some times are also temporary. We had a conversation about sleep the other week with the other mums from my antenatal class. A few had babies that we practically sleeping through the night they messaged a few days ago to say that their little ones had now stopped sleeping through the night.

I think @newpup123 is on to something there. Since lockdown DH and i have been doing our toddlers bedtime together. God it's so much more complicated than when it was just one of us!

@OhToBeASeahorse

I think *@newpup123* is on to something there. Since lockdown DH and i have been doing our toddlers bedtime together. God it's so much more complicated than when it was just one of us!

First rule of project management... defined roles & responsibilities 😂😂