OH sulking over DD being heavy footed with new sofa

[thestarvingcaterpillar]

Me & OH have recently moved in together, all is going ok (mostly) he's definetly a lot tidier than I am and a bit of a stickler for treating belongings with respect, I'm well on board with this but don't expect my kids to be on edge in their own home. My sofa needed replacing & I saw a perfect one on fb it wasn't very expensive & it turns out that we've got a bargain! My DD13 loves it it has the extending bit so you can stretch your legs out on one of the seats & is very cosy HOWEVER to get on & off it she keeps stepping on & off it or will flop onto it.OH is not happy about this at all & keeps telling her off, I've asked her to try not to do this but she keeps forgetting. He keeps huffing & puffing at her and I just wish we'd never bought the bloody sofa!!

I do think that couples in general will often struggle with different expectations. DH and I struggle because he's extraordinarily tidy and always puts things away whereas I will sometimes leave it for later.

The trick is that both need to give a bit.

Your partner needs to stop nagging her completely...it's not his job....BUT you need to take on his opinion and feelings and sort it out so that he feels heard.

His thoughts on this are totally valid.

Your partner needs to stop nagging her completely...it's not his job....

While I agree with the rest of your post, if it’s his sofa in his home then it absolutely is his job. And it’s not nagging. He has every right to expect the new sofa not to be abused through laziness or thoughtlessness.

She's more than old enough to listen and remember. For some reason she's choosing not to.

Either it's her version of "This is my home and I was here first" or she does it because she knows it annoys him and that there are no real consequences. (I remember feeling the same way when my mum moved her OH in).

If she can't treat the new furniture with respect then the consequence is that she doesn't get to sit on it. It'll be her turn to huff and puff for a while but she'll eventually get the message.

She is honestly not doing it on purpose or in any way maliciously she just forgets, she's pulled up on it every time & ive told her that she'll be sitting on the floor if she keeps doing it! It's been 2 days I just think he needs to chill a bit!!

I'm with your OH. Why do you have to remind her constantly? Her not listening is actually disrespectful to you. She's pushing boundaries. You might want to be firmer. But it doesn't actually sound like you care that much because she sofa wasn't expensive. Sulking is unattractive, but I'd be really annoyed as well.

I bet she doesn’t “forget” the things she wants to remember.
She’s ignoring you. That’s not the same as forgetting.
I’m with your OH.
She is “pulled up”? So no consequences then?

You mention that she keeps forgetting not to jump all over the sofa OP, at 13, and assuming no SEN, it sounds like she is doing it on purpose. Perhaps she does not like that your DP has moved in.

My DSS at 10, and 14 stone, does this, and it drives me up the wall. His Dad does not discipline him at all, he just laughs and claims it's funny. Yet another reason he is STBEXDP.

Huffing and puffing when I child continues to do something they've been told not to- something that damages expensive furniture- is not sulking.

You've stopped him telling her, but you aren't telling her. He's signalling he wants you to do something.

@thestarvingcaterpillar

She is honestly not doing it on purpose or in any way maliciously she just forgets, she's pulled up on it every time & ive told her that she'll be sitting on the floor if she keeps doing it! It's been 2 days I just think he needs to chill a bit!!

He's probably sick of repeating himself, and the same thing happening over and over as a result.

He doesn't need to chill, she needs to stop doing it. Give her some consequences, like taking away her phone for a few days, and I assure you she won't "forget."

She can't really be that dim?

Rude @RosieCockle she's not at all dim!!

How is she forgetting? I have a child with ADHD and SHE would forget but my other child...she wouldn't. Sometimes they need telling more than once...but if no additional needs, then she should be remembering.

I had a moan at my 6 year old for standing on the sofa today, I would be livid if a 13 year old did it.

Does she forget other things to? Or just the stuff she’s not fussed about?

I’m with him on this one.

I had a relative who did things like this at a similar age, parents never told her not to. Eventually she damaged another relative’s furniture and they were really pissed off. She was oblivious/didn’t care but I think her parents had to kiss arse to stop a massive family argument.

The bottom line is you think it’s all fine because she’s your child but other people won’t be so sympathetic, because she’s definitely old enough to treat family possessions with respect.

@RosieCockle

She can't really be that dim?

Unnecessarily rude!! OPs daughter is 13, which is still a kid in my book! What's with all the nastiness on this thread? Have none of you ever forgotten something you'd been told not to do? Because I know I have, as have my kids. It's not the end of the world. Sounds to me like it's the novelty of it and whilst it's a bit annoying it's nothing to get so uptight over. Pick your battles and all that.

He does not need to chill. You need to stop your teenager being a pain in the arse or he’ll be thinking he’s made a terrible mistake and you’ll treat other repeated annoying behaviour wiry the same disregard. You and your daughter are annoying me and I don’t have to live with you. Do you want this cohabiting thing to work or not?

Just saw you let her do the same on your old sofa because it was old. Maybe try and teach her some respect for things?!

Thank you @WanderlustWitch that's exactly it it is an unusual style sofa it's awkward to get on and off she's not the spawn of Satan or malicious she just hops on and off the easiest way! I tell her not to use her feet to push herself off she will learn!!

Walking onto a sofa . Teach her to respect her surroundings before she trashes the rest of your house as well.

She won't listen to your OH if you are giving the impression that it's ok by you. You need to tell her and genuinely mean it because at the moment I don't think you think it's a big deal.

She will remember if you give her actual consequences instead of just a lame half hearted reminder.

I'm with the person who said get her a beanbag, if she steps on the sofa she's banned from sitting in it for a week and can sit in the beanbag instead

I really don't understand, does no one here flop on to the sofa or put their feet up? Why on earth does it matter how she gets on and off? She's not wearing shoes or jumping on it right? She's 13 and it's her home!
Am I right in thinking OH did not pay for the sofa OP? In which case tell him to keep his huffs and puffs to himself, how controlling. Your daughter shouldn't be suddenly expected to meet his standards if it's not how you've lived.

I agree with your DP. And just because it was a bargain doesn't mean it loses it's value as something that should be respected and treated with care.
My DP looks after his/our belongings really well, keeps the boxes, cleans them with proper stuff etc. It used to drive me crackers but I actually really admire him for it now and I'm a lot more careful and respectful (I'm so clumsy).

it's only now occured to me, after reading this, that I climb in to all my chairs and sofas rather than sit on them . I paid for them all though, so it's up to me!

If you've only had the sofa a short while, you're reminding her, you're confident it's not malicious and she's trying, I'd tell your DP to wind his neck in. Who payed for the sofa? If he put cash towards it, I would be more accepting of him reminding her, not very accepting of him stropping and sulking either way though.