DH and early mornings

[CarrotCakeSupprise]

I'm about to go back to work after 10 months of mat leave. DH has just started paternity leave and will be off till Christmas.

DD is a good sleeper - she usually sleeps through until about 530, and then is up for the day.I think this is pretty great for a 10 month old.

But that's not always been the case, she was a colicky newborn and spent a loooooong time waking every 90 minutes.

DH was not helpful during this. He likes his lie ins (don't we all), and of course was working so I've done 99% of overnight and early morning parenting so far, including at weekends and holidays.

Now that DH is doing some early mornings he has realised that they're not fun, and wants to share them rather than him doing all of them during the week. Which does sound totally fair, especiallly as I BF first thing so I'm awake anyway.

But I think I'm owed some slack after doing everything for the first 10 months. I won't have lie ins, but I want some time, on significantly more than 50% of mornings before work, to wash my hair/ read the papers/ whatever.

I'm torn because what he's proposing is quite reasonable. I want to be fair, because slacking in the way he did is shitty.

But otoh, why should he get benefits which he didn't give to me? He's only doing a few months parental leave, when DD is far more easy than she was a as a colicky newborn, so part of me thinks he should just suck it up.

WWYD?

You just tell him that he gets exactly the number of lie-ins/time to himself as he has given you over the past 10 months.

You sound like a lovely wife OP but I think it’s a bit rich for your husband to want to split the early mornings now that it’s his turn! If he did none while he was working then surely you’re owed the same now you’re back to work?

Ask him where your help was for the last 10 months

Understand completely how you feel. My DH lacked understanding at how awful it can be when breast feeding but I have really tried to communicate openly and explain how I feel and he is getting the picture. His dad was not involved in childcare much so it stemmed from that. In your position I would probably compromise and do a couple of mornings despite temptation to maybe pay him back for his lie in time for the sake of peace and feeling like I was treating him how id want to be treated. However completely within your rights to expect him to man up and get on with it and if that's what you need, then take it, you deserve it. Hope you find a solution

So when he has to do them it’s suddenly unfair and you need to split them

I know you want to be nice, but he really wasn’t very nice to you when it was your turn. Did he even do a weekend morning to give you a lie in?

I’d offer a Sunday morning maybe as a starting point.

If he wanted to share the early mornings, he should have, er, shared the early mornings!

Tell him you thought the deal was that the SAHP did the early mornings, seeing as that's what you did the whole way through.

I would love to see him rationalise his shitty lazy behaviour.

He’s being completely unreasonable, of course he is. Not in wanting to share the early mornings but in not realising how shitty and unfair he’s been to you, grovelling for forgiveness and sucking up the early mornings now as his penance. If my DH did all of the above I would take pity, recognise he’s learnt the lesson and split them. But without the genuine and heartfelt apology and realisation of how crap he’s been? Not a chance.

Next time he brings it up look him square in the eye and ask him calmly why he thinks it’s fair to split them now after not doing so for the last ten months? Then stay completely quiet while you let him try and rationalise that.

Sorry but he is on parental leave, he needs to suck it up. Why is it ok for you to do all the mornings during your time off to allow him to go to work but you now have to share them because its all a little tough.

Your working now and need to be able to function and part of that is sleep. You can come home and take over and do bed time etc.

Only unfair when it impacts on him....

Yep tell him you’ll split them 50/50 when he goes back to work. But while he is off he does them all. Or pro rata how many days he did for you 🤷🏼‍♀️
I suspect though he’ll be very grumpy and moody and not stop creating an atmosphere until you realise that giving him a lie in is the only way to keep things nice and calm for DD.
I speak from experience here...

What did he think parental leave would look like given his lack of support when you were doing full time childcare? I don’t have any advice as I’m not sure I’d trust him after how selfish and lazy he’s been.

His view is that a) I'm awake anyway (true, once I've woken up to BF I find it hard to doze off again), and b) I'm a natural early bird and he's not (also true).

But it's not really a lack of sleep that bothers me, it's that I find the long morning slot really lonely.

I know everyone says this but he is amazing in every other way, and is loving having time with DD. He just has a blind spot about mornings.

Thanks, everyone.

Who cares what anyone else thinks OP? You know him the best and the dynamic and division of labour needs to work for you too. Don’t let anyone else tell you your reasonable expectations are unfair. The pitiful standard of fathers so many women put up with don’t mean much.

His view is that a) I'm awake anyway (true, once I've woken up to BF I find it hard to doze off again), and b) I'm a natural early bird and he's not (also true).

How very convenient for him😏

You just tell him that he gets exactly the number of lie-ins/time to himself as he has given you over the past 10 months

I would do exactly this!

What will happen when you both are back in work?

My husband has only started sharing the wake ups, DD is 2, she wasn't BF he just couldn't settle her. Now he has a lie in on Saturdays and I have one on Sundays, I can't sleep past 7 so I lie in bed drinking tea and reading until the time he came downstairs on the Saturday.

my husband and I take in turns every morning to get up. The other gets to sleep in until the other has to start getting ready for work. I work part time but we share 50:50. it's the only thing that has worked for us and feels fair. He works from home at the moment so on my days off we each get a bit more of a lie in on our "morning off" and we each get a weekend lie in each week.

Has he acknowledged that he was unfair? I think that I would be able to compromise if he did but if not... I’d be demanding he did the lot!

He just has a blind spot about mornings.

Don't they all? My STBEXDP refuses to either put the DC to bed, or get them up in the morning. It's not his thing apparently. He's happy to roll out of bed at the last minute and drop them off where they need to be, but I have to do EVERYTHING else beforehand (packing extra clothes bags, giving them breakfast, getting lunch ready etc). DC are 4 and 3 now, and he has got steadily worse from when they were born. I do get a long lie in on Sundays, but that simply because I refuse to get out of bed on the only day of the week that I don't have to be up at 5.30/6am.

Note he is now STBEXDP.

You are being completely reasonable in expecting him to extend the same courtesy to you, that you did him. I would let him know that you'll be getting up early as many times as he did during your 10 months.

When you go back to work you are going to be tired and need the mornings to recover

Seriously after 2 months of getting up at 5.30 he'll adjust to it 🤷🏽‍♀️

Maybe tell him you'll do Sunday mornings if in exchange when you are both at work he does 4 mornings a week and you do 3. Seems like a good investment for you :)

DD is a good sleeper - she usually sleeps through until about 530, and then is up for the day.

5.30 is such an early start! Is there any way you could try to settle her back down after the first feed so she gets another hour or 1.5 hours of sleep?

It would be a no from me. You being an early bird is bog all to do with it. Perhaps he should have thought about being a little bit more reasonable himself and helping you with the early mornings before. Let this be a lesson to him that selfishness doesn't pay.

My dh did fuck all at nights with our totally non sleeping baby. I did always get weekend lie Ins as that was a significant portion of my sleep for the week. A month after I was back at work and night weaned he suggested we share the lie ins, and I was SO ANGRY that suddenly he could see something out of whack and out of nowhere had a concept of fair. I said no, we can do things fairly after 9mo of maybe a little imbalanced. I wasn’t very calm about it either, he’s never mentioned it again. (he knows how angry I am about his lack of support on the sleep side)

Stand firm. Now it's mornings and then itll be every other shitty job he wants to share. If I were you I'd get out of his way in the mornings, leave baby and go to the kitchen of spare room to get ready or something and be bright and breezy. He's on parental leave and it's not there for lie ins and lounging all day. He needs to adjust his expectations.