I’ve just left DS alone on his playmat for half an hour

[newmum234]

DS (6 months) has been on his playmat for the last 35 mins, entertaining himself by playing with his toys. I’ve been sitting on the sofa nearby, keeping an eye on him but not interacting with him at all and scrolling through my phone instead. I’m a terrible mum aren’t I?

Blimey I thought that was totally normal!

No you're not! You're human. You don't have to interact 24/7 xxx

I’m feeling a bit silly now . He’s my first, I know zilch about babies and I just want to do things right!

Isn’t good for babies to have some time to themselves if they’re happy? Surely everyone (babies included) needs some down time?

If it makes you feel better I’m sure his little brain is doing lots of things, making lots of new neural connections etc.. it’s educational

I've started doing this with my three month old. She doesn't last long though. In the morning I put her in the nursery on her play mat and then run around loading the washing machine and getting breakfast whilst she's in there. I was told they can usually be happy for short periods by themselves at this kind of age. I feel like a crap mum for it though! Equally I'm so tired in the mornings which is her best play time, so I tend to sit in there with her with my tea and toast and then play with her a bit after. Then she's ready for a feed and a nap.

Don't feel silly - I think the message that you must constantly interact with your child, that it's the basis for their future speech and education, etc is really pushed now and it's not that that's wrong, but I do think sometimes people don't realise how anxious it makes inexperienced mothers. I remember I went to a local postnatal group at the children's centre after I had DS and the woman running it gave us this mini talk on the importance of interacting with our babies, complete with pictures of the shrunken brain of a neglected child and I saw me and all the other mums (all first-time, almost all of us there because the HV had recommended it because we were either a bit anxious or a bit isolated) suddenly make these really stilted, deliberate efforts to interact with our tiny babies, when we'd all been doing it perfectly naturally and normally beforehand. Everything the group leader said was verifiably fact, but I don't think she'd thought about whether this particular group needed to hear it in that way, or whether actually we needed to hear that it was ok to take a break sometimes.

Perfect - It is very healthy for babies to be able to do their own thing, undirected, explore, kick about. My two used to spend hours under their baby gyms, and often fell asleep under them too. I was always a supporter of the "let sleeping babies lie" school of parenting, too much messing around with babies makes them cranky, mine mostly slept.

No you are not meant to "entertain" your child all the time. They need to be able to do their own thing too. Don't worry.

What? If he was unhappy he’d have let you know. In the nicest possible way I think you should try to relax a bit. You can’t be interacting with him every second of the day. It would be exhausting (for both of you) some downtime on his mat is fine. If you have a second or third child there is no way to sustain that level of interaction. I had ds2 18 months after my first and he was often left in a chair or playmat for longer than that while I was busy with Ds1 and he was fine.

@newmum234

I’m feeling a bit silly now . He’s my first, I know zilch about babies and I just want to do things right!

No need to feel silly. And please consider disabusing yourself of the nothin that there is a way to “do things right.”

My best advice is to have 3-under-3 like I did (no twins) and that’ll really focus your parenting style.

God no, I used to do this all the time. Just be thankful your son can entertain himself - now my daughter is a toddler, I realise how lucky I am. I'm certainly not going to discourage it! Enjoy the hot tea and the peace before he discovers he can move.

I did this nearly every morning from 4 months to seven months with DS. Feed, then independent play on playmat whilst I went to brush my teeth, wash my face and make a coffee (in a flat, so all on same floor and never more than one room away).

Independent play is vital for their development.

Your job as a parent is to steer your child to independence. If he plays independently, that's good. He'll do more and more on his own as he grows. If he can do it himself, he probably should.

It's not supposed to be a slog to the death!

Sorry just reread that and it sounded a bit harsh. I didn’t mean it to be. I felt guilty at not giving ds2 much attention but I think we tell ourselves babies need a lot more interaction than they do and feel guilty when we put them down.

As I said before Ds2 was often left on a playmat as I had no choice. Sometimes he wasn’t even happy about it and was left crying for longer than I’d like. But he is nearly 2 now, very bright and sociable. He was actually a lot more advanced with speech and Ds1 so I have no doubt that less one on one interaction is not a bad thing.

You and your needs are important too. If 30 mins on the sofa scrolling on your phone is going to let you have a bit of downtime then that’s great as you’ll be refreshed and more relaxed. Babies are hard so don’t feel bad about needing a bit of time for yourself.

I WISH I'd let my son play on his own more often tbh.

Once I let go of the reins, he was actually really good at entertaining himself and I felt so relieved. Like "why didn't I do this sooner?"

And how else are they going to learn to crawl or roll if you don't take your eyes off them? It's a well known fact babies only do things the first time when you're not watching. Definitely true in my case.

@Hardbackwriter

Don't feel silly - I think the message that you must constantly interact with your child, that it's the basis for their future speech and education, etc is really pushed now and it's not that that's wrong, but I do think sometimes people don't realise how anxious it makes inexperienced mothers. I remember I went to a local postnatal group at the children's centre after I had DS and the woman running it gave us this mini talk on the importance of interacting with our babies, complete with pictures of the shrunken brain of a neglected child and I saw me and all the other mums (all first-time, almost all of us there because the HV had recommended it because we were either a bit anxious or a bit isolated) suddenly make these really stilted, deliberate efforts to interact with our tiny babies, when we'd all been doing it perfectly naturally and normally beforehand. Everything the group leader said was verifiably fact, but I don't think she'd thought about whether this particular group needed to hear it in that way, or whether actually we needed to hear that it was ok to take a break sometimes.

Oh fgs, like women who voluntarily show up for a mum'n'baby group need advice on interacting with their babies. I mean, yes, the consequences of serious emotional neglect are awful, but we are talking serious neglect, of the Romanian orphanage or very poorly functioning mother variety. And the last thing most new mums need is the idea that their babies' brains are at risk if they don't do everything right. Jeez.

OP, genuinely, it'll be fine. You need time too, and babies are perfectly capable of getting your attention if they want it. If they're happy, leave them to play. Just think about how many multiples and children growing up in big families there are out there, who hardly get played with every second. And they all turn out perfectly fine and just as healthy as firstborn singletons. I left my second on his playmat for as long as he stayed there happily every damn day, because otherwise his brother would never have eaten much less got any attention from me.

OP every couple of weeks you'll start numerous threads about worrying about things after a few weeks of silence. Im not the thread police at all and I know you've said you dont have anxiety, but your threads read like you do.

I think that's brilliant that he is happy and able to entertain himself (my DS would never have been happy for that long!). Don't worry about it at all. It's also very Montessori to observe your baby playing but don't interact all the time to allow the baby to develop a deeper level of concentration (something like that anyway!) .

goodness, don't set yourself up for failure by constantly "entertaining" him....you'll end up with a 5yo that can't play alone.

It does babies and children good to get "bored", fosters learning, creativity and independence.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

OP every couple of weeks you'll start numerous threads about worrying about things after a few weeks of silence. Im not the thread police at all and I know you've said you dont have anxiety, but your threads read like you do.

Do you have larger advice for the OP, then? I believe your heart is in the right place, but diagnosing her over the internet with anxiety is only a first step, unless there’s an implied “don’t be anxious” in there. Which isn’t helpful if someone is experiencing anxiety.

OP I do this with my kids, let them potter around on their play mat, floor, cot, whatever. It gave me a much needed 20 minutes to regroup sometimes. DS had a baby gym thing which he loved, and would lie under for ages. DD hated it, but loves a ball pit. They're 1 and nearly 3 now, and both are quite capable of entertaining themselves independently, and with each other, and I don't think either of them have come to any harm as a result.

There is no right way to parent, we all want to do the best for our kids, if it works for you and baby then that's fine.

OP every couple of weeks you'll start numerous threads about worrying about things after a few weeks of silence. Im not the thread police at all and I know you've said you dont have anxiety, but your threads read like you do.

I know I ask quite a lot of questions, but I don’t have any friends with babies of a similar age and find this forum a good place to get info when I’m not sure about something. Isn’t that what it’s here for?

For thousands of years babies were not constantly entertained, and yet here the human race is

Did he fall of the floor? Nope? Then it's absolutely fine

Better than fine really if he can entertain himself - it's a great skill to learn.

Its good for them to entertain themselves if they're somewhere safe, as long as content and not upset etc then all good- enjoy a bit of a break.