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Original poster

I'm selfish with my baby..

34 replies

alesha123445 · 27/10/2020 19:58

My babies not even a newborn anymore, she is 8months and I still feel wary and on edge when people hold her. When people play with her i find myself haveing to check to see they aren't being too rough or let her chew something weird.
I havnt let anyone babysit her and have made it clear I wont allow it till she is able to voice her needs and wants. I dont trust anyone to look after her.. This has upset some people as she is 8 months and they havnt even had time with her alone because im always there or nearby. I EBF until solids were introduced, no one ever fed her a bottle even though people told me i should introduce bottles to allow others to feed her. Whenever someone tries to push the baby pram I say no, If I leave the pram to move inches away and they start holdling the handle I will slowly creep back and get them off.if someone tries to give me advice such as "try giving her the sippy cup to soothe her" or "maybe she needs changing" I get annoyed because I know whats wrong with her and how to help. I hate when my baby cries and someone else tries to talk over me playing and speaking to her to try and comfort her instead.

I dont want to be the mum thats too clingy and protective, I don't want to have a guard up all the time and act like this. Is there any other mums like this? Is this a phase because I hope so.. I feel guilty for being so selfish.

OP posts:

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TheFoz · 27/10/2020 20:03

I wouldn’t call this selfish, I’d call it anxiety. Your behaviour is a bit extreme. Is your baby’s dad around? Are you together? What does he make of how you are with her?

Original poster

alesha123445 · 27/10/2020 20:05

Its more an internal feeling, I never display it. I seem very chilled when people are holding and playing with her but I always feel on edge. My partners never noticed it.

OP posts:

Kat234 · 27/10/2020 20:06

Hi
I’m new to this and am after any advice regarding my little boy, he is 4 and he has times when he becomes so hyper and excited that I don’t know what to do or how to handle him to ease or calm the situation,
He can be fine one minute and then the next he is charging round being silly not listening if I ask him to stop, he become silly and just won’t stop it can last up to an hour and he will be exhausted at the end,
If anyone can help or give me some advice I would be grateful.

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Marlena1 · 27/10/2020 20:09

This does seem extreme. I used to hate when my one screamed for me and people were like "she's grand, don't worry" but if she wasn't crying I didn't worry. No 2 had me on edge though as she cried so much and I think I had PND. Could this be a possibility?

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 27/10/2020 20:09

Its more an internal feeling, I never display it.

It can still be anxiety

Original poster

alesha123445 · 27/10/2020 20:10

Hi :) I have no clue how to answer that, I've never dealt with toddlers. If you go back you will see a plus at the bottom, press that and create your question x

OP posts:

OohKittens · 27/10/2020 20:11

I was like this with all of mine. But I have zero interest in other people's babies/children so I struggled to grasp why people would be so intent on holding my child. I saw it as I had waited so long for them to be born I really didn't see why I should share them. We have no friends or family so mine have never stayed out over night.

If someone had a new kitten and invited me round to see it well they would struggle to get me to leave

OverTheRainbow88 · 27/10/2020 20:11

OP it sounds like you have anxiety issues, what you are describing isn’t ‘normal’ behaviour whether you show it physically or internally.

I would speak to your HV or GP.

@Kat234
You need to start another thread for your question.

Original poster

alesha123445 · 27/10/2020 20:11

I did start off with PND and I struggled to bond with her

OP posts:

TheFoz · 27/10/2020 20:13

@alesha123445 I really think you need to have a conversation with your partner and your GP. Your behaviour isn’t healthy but it is fantastic that you can see how you are behaving, that’s a definite positive step.

OverTheRainbow88 · 27/10/2020 20:13

Well that would have been useful in OP as it explains your feelings

eeyore228 · 27/10/2020 20:15

I think you need to chat to someone about it, whether you realise it or not you may pass on anxiety to your baby. You will end up being that mum trying desperately to leave your child at school or with someone for emergencies and struggle because they are crying so much. Long term won’t be healthy for you or baby, it’s normal to be a little anxious but there’s a line. It’s good for babies to mix and get used to other people for their own social skills and development.

stella1know · 27/10/2020 20:22

She is only 8 months, and she is part of you still. I see all of this as normal, within range. Your hormones are still set differently and are closely attuned to your baby. Especially if you are breastfeeding, the hormonal connection is physically different and that is normal and ok.
If you had someone around every day who you trusted and who knows your baby well, eg your mother, you would get some time off. Don’t feel pressured to hand her over to aunties who would stick her in the pram with a sippycup of juice while they chat on their phones or smoke at the playground.
Do try and get some hours off every week when your baby is a year old or whenever you can, when you have someone you can rely on. But it can be quite rational to not let anyone else look after your small baby, especially if they aren’t generally as careful/diligent as you are and aren’t part of your regular life.
Read The Continum Concept - by a vintage french explorer lady, or some sociology by Margaret Mead, for different parenting approaches.

blackcat86 · 27/10/2020 20:27

By all means speak to the GP about that anxious feeling you have but its also ok to have boundaries. Why should you be pressured to have others feed your EBF baby for their own benefit (because baby is happy with boob), why should you leave baby before either of you is ready? These things are for other adults to feel good but your child is not a toy to be passed around. Keep your boundaries but seek support for that anxious feeling. I found counselling really effective as for me, my boundaries were fine, my gut feeling was fine, what I wanted for me and my baby was fine but some people around me were gaslighting me for wanting basic rights, boundaries and respect. That in itself was making me feel anxious.

BuffaloCauliflower · 27/10/2020 20:28

Honestly this is completely biologically normal behaviour, I wouldn’t worry. Our society is so big on baby ‘independence’ and other people getting to have the baby, but we’ve evolved to have very close mother/baby bonds. Look at other primates, the baby’s are literally attached to the mum’s chest for months and months, sometimes years. Orangutans nurse for 7 years! There’s nothing weird about wanting to be very close to your baby and not want to share her, and don’t let anyone make you think there is.

RedMarauder · 27/10/2020 20:30

You are not selfish you are over protective.

You should have a couple of people you trust to look after her. It's up to you who they are.

The only reason to ensureu you have this in place is if anything happens to you or you have to go somewhere then she won't be distressed being left with one of those people.

stella1know · 27/10/2020 20:38

You aren’t selfish, you are a mammal mother. People around you seem to be criticising you for normal behaviour. Ignore them. Your baby will naturally seek out freedoms when she is older, and you will let her. You are doing fine. Keep going.
Ignore the complainers, they are only able to parent as they themselves were parented, and as their friends do. And they will be perplexed that anyone could ever do differently. This won’t change, not during nursery or school years either. So learn to ignore it now, as practice for later 🤣
(Can i ask if you have a different background, eg Interests, upbringing, region, academia, personality (obviously) to the people who criticise you now?) are you generally a sensitive person (also completely normal and fully OK)

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Continuum_concept

Original poster

alesha123445 · 27/10/2020 20:42

When I say how I feel and see the responses, it makes me realise how the way I'm acting isn't normal. My baby sees lots of people weekly and I allow them to play freeley with her. I also leave her with my nan and grandad for hours on end, ill always be in the house though and i only trust them with her, anyone else and im on edge.

I did grow up with some trouble as a kid which gave me a bit of ptsd, its gone but i think its created some anxiety, trust issues and fear of others.I never want her to feel the way i did, maybe i focus too much on others being with her because I cant trust them. I never want my feelings to translate on to my baby, I try my best to hide them but I bet my uneasy vibe is easy to pick up on.
I think its time I sorted my head out.
I worry people will try and take my baby away though, I dont really know how the system works but I've heard some right horror stories.

OP posts:

BoomyBooms · 27/10/2020 20:46

I have an eight month old too, and I feel very similar about her! A family member held the pram while we were out the other day and I was irrationally annoyed - had to give myself a talking to! I wonder whether you are reacting to people pushing you too hard. She doesn't need to take a bottle of you don't need or want her to.

Ultimately though I can talk myself down about all this stuff and get on with my day, and I do let others look after her (albeit one specific family member we are bubbled with who has looked after her for short periods for a long time with me around so knows how we do things pretty well). I think what your GP will be looking for is whether this causes you distress that interferes with your life. Like are you so anxious you are missing things that you want/need to do because you get too upset at the idea of leaving her, or do you get extremely emotional and upset to the point you want to cancel plans or it spoils your day.

Augustbaby1990 · 27/10/2020 20:57

I am completely the same, my DS is 9months and has never been away from me. Not even for a minute.

I'm trying really hard atm to get some help with my anxiety but my HV said hes still a baby and it will take time. Please take it at a slow pace and don't rush into do anything you don't feel comfortable with

OverTheRainbow88 · 27/10/2020 21:05

@stella1know

I don’t think it’s ‘normal’ for someone to feel
Unhappy someone else is holding the handle of the babies pram!

OverTheRainbow88 · 27/10/2020 21:06

Whenever someone tries to push the baby pram I say no, If I leave the pram to move inches away and they start holdling the handle I will slowly creep back and get them off

Sorry OP, but that isn’t healthy behaviour

Heyahun · 27/10/2020 21:18

What will you do when you go back to work?

MonClareDevole · 27/10/2020 21:24

I had a tendency to be like this with mine when they were very little. I researched attachment theory in more detail and discovered it was far better for my children to form attachments to other caregivers. In fact, secure attachments to other trusted adults, grandparents for example, can actually prevent the effects of adverse childhood experiences. Therefore it is imperative that you allow some other trusted caregivers to support you.

MonClareDevole · 27/10/2020 21:27

Also, please don’t worry about repercussions of seeking help. Each time I’ve sought support for my mental health, I’ve always been reassured by healthcare professionals that it’s clear that I have my children’s interests at heart. It will be clear that you do, too.

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