I'm selfish with my baby..

[alesha123445]

My babies not even a newborn anymore, she is 8months and I still feel wary and on edge when people hold her. When people play with her i find myself haveing to check to see they aren't being too rough or let her chew something weird.
I havnt let anyone babysit her and have made it clear I wont allow it till she is able to voice her needs and wants. I dont trust anyone to look after her.. This has upset some people as she is 8 months and they havnt even had time with her alone because im always there or nearby. I EBF until solids were introduced, no one ever fed her a bottle even though people told me i should introduce bottles to allow others to feed her. Whenever someone tries to push the baby pram I say no, If I leave the pram to move inches away and they start holdling the handle I will slowly creep back and get them off.if someone tries to give me advice such as "try giving her the sippy cup to soothe her" or "maybe she needs changing" I get annoyed because I know whats wrong with her and how to help. I hate when my baby cries and someone else tries to talk over me playing and speaking to her to try and comfort her instead.

I dont want to be the mum thats too clingy and protective, I don't want to have a guard up all the time and act like this. Is there any other mums like this? Is this a phase because I hope so.. I feel guilty for being so selfish.

[corythatwas]

How are you with your partner? Is he allowed to be an equal parent? Trusted with your baby as much as he trusts you with his baby?

I'd say that is the only one that matters, and it matters to the baby above all to be allowed to build that close bond with its dad (unless he is completely unreliable, of course).

The rest of the family can bond while you are in the house, but I'd say the dad (unless something is wrong) needs to be a parent.

[HellooJackie]

DS is 15 months and I haven't allowed anyone to look after him yet either.
I have very bad anxiety and I would always worry someone would hurt him, if they didn't hold his head properly etc or make him poorly.
Other than my partner it's only my mum I trust with him.

[Nefelibata86]

@blackcat86 have found your comment very interesting and relatable. Thank you. And to those mentioning additional reading and things I hadn’t heard of like continuum concept

[Pebbledashery]

And I think you need to read up on the social services process of removing a child from a mother's care. You accepting you have an issue and seeking help if you want it is a good thing :) not a bad thing. You have to be seriously neglecting and harming a child to have them removed from you so please do not worry yourself unnecessarily.

[username49583]

Just read your post @Jollypostman1991 I completely agree when I think about my experiences. One family member in particular for me. Agree with PP I think I was gaslighted when in fact I look back and think how I felt was often valid because of their behaviour.

[Pebbledashery]

As others have said I think you're being very protective and anxious. Are you quite young OP? Not that it matters, but you could benefit from some counselling or seeing your gp.. No shame in it. I see the joy in my little ones face when someone else whose close to her holds her or plays with her.. My brother came round few days ago and fed her and she absolutely adored it.. Maybe your anxiety is restricting your little ones interactions with others that she could find joyful. I'm not saying you're wrong. You're human. But hopefully one day you'll learn to relax xx

[Jollypostman1991]

And for what it’s worth - my daughter now goes to nursery and is 100% happy with other caregivers or trusted friends/family. But there’s still some people who I would feel totally on edge and anxious about her being with because of how they made me feel when she was little.

[username49583]

I'm somewhere in the middle here. I also feel very protective over my DC. I think we often forget we are mammals with animal instincts. For some women they still feel these animal instincts strongly even if they no longer seem rational. Can you imagine trying to take a baby from a mother gorilla.
I also agree with a PP about boundaries and people pressuring you to give the baby a bottle. That really annoys me I had it with my first. That is only for their own benefit.
I did try to contain it most of the time. Especially if I knew it was irrational.

With my first DC I would say I became less protective after around 18 months. She is now a very independent 3 year old who walked into nursery without even a look back recently so I don't think my protectiveness has stopped her forming attachments with others.

[Jollypostman1991]

I felt like this (perhaps not the extreme of pram pushing causing anxiety). However, I found I only felt it around people who I knew were pushing my boundaries, judging me or wanting me to ‘give’ more of my daughter. I didn’t feel it around friends or family who I didn’t get those feelings from and who I trusted. Really interesting what @blackcat86 says, it resonates strongly with my experience.

[MonClareDevole]

Also, please don’t worry about repercussions of seeking help. Each time I’ve sought support for my mental health, I’ve always been reassured by healthcare professionals that it’s clear that I have my children’s interests at heart. It will be clear that you do, too.

[MonClareDevole]

I had a tendency to be like this with mine when they were very little. I researched attachment theory in more detail and discovered it was far better for my children to form attachments to other caregivers. In fact, secure attachments to other trusted adults, grandparents for example, can actually prevent the effects of adverse childhood experiences. Therefore it is imperative that you allow some other trusted caregivers to support you.

[Heyahun]

What will you do when you go back to work?

[OverTheRainbow88]

Whenever someone tries to push the baby pram I say no, If I leave the pram to move inches away and they start holdling the handle I will slowly creep back and get them off

Sorry OP, but that isn’t healthy behaviour

[OverTheRainbow88]

@stella1know

I don’t think it’s ‘normal’ for someone to feel
Unhappy someone else is holding the handle of the babies pram!

[Augustbaby1990]

I am completely the same, my DS is 9months and has never been away from me. Not even for a minute.

I'm trying really hard atm to get some help with my anxiety but my HV said hes still a baby and it will take time. Please take it at a slow pace and don't rush into do anything you don't feel comfortable with

[BoomyBooms]

I have an eight month old too, and I feel very similar about her! A family member held the pram while we were out the other day and I was irrationally annoyed - had to give myself a talking to! I wonder whether you are reacting to people pushing you too hard. She doesn't need to take a bottle of you don't need or want her to.

Ultimately though I can talk myself down about all this stuff and get on with my day, and I do let others look after her (albeit one specific family member we are bubbled with who has looked after her for short periods for a long time with me around so knows how we do things pretty well). I think what your GP will be looking for is whether this causes you distress that interferes with your life. Like are you so anxious you are missing things that you want/need to do because you get too upset at the idea of leaving her, or do you get extremely emotional and upset to the point you want to cancel plans or it spoils your day.

[alesha123445]

When I say how I feel and see the responses, it makes me realise how the way I'm acting isn't normal. My baby sees lots of people weekly and I allow them to play freeley with her. I also leave her with my nan and grandad for hours on end, ill always be in the house though and i only trust them with her, anyone else and im on edge.

I did grow up with some trouble as a kid which gave me a bit of ptsd, its gone but i think its created some anxiety, trust issues and fear of others.I never want her to feel the way i did, maybe i focus too much on others being with her because I cant trust them. I never want my feelings to translate on to my baby, I try my best to hide them but I bet my uneasy vibe is easy to pick up on.
I think its time I sorted my head out.
I worry people will try and take my baby away though, I dont really know how the system works but I've heard some right horror stories.

[stella1know]

You aren’t selfish, you are a mammal mother. People around you seem to be criticising you for normal behaviour. Ignore them. Your baby will naturally seek out freedoms when she is older, and you will let her. You are doing fine. Keep going.
Ignore the complainers, they are only able to parent as they themselves were parented, and as their friends do. And they will be perplexed that anyone could ever do differently. This won’t change, not during nursery or school years either. So learn to ignore it now, as practice for later 🤣
(Can i ask if you have a different background, eg Interests, upbringing, region, academia, personality (obviously) to the people who criticise you now?) are you generally a sensitive person (also completely normal and fully OK)

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Continuum_concept

[RedMarauder]

You are not selfish you are over protective.

You should have a couple of people you trust to look after her. It's up to you who they are.

The only reason to ensureu you have this in place is if anything happens to you or you have to go somewhere then she won't be distressed being left with one of those people.

[BuffaloCauliflower]

Honestly this is completely biologically normal behaviour, I wouldn’t worry. Our society is so big on baby ‘independence’ and other people getting to have the baby, but we’ve evolved to have very close mother/baby bonds. Look at other primates, the baby’s are literally attached to the mum’s chest for months and months, sometimes years. Orangutans nurse for 7 years! There’s nothing weird about wanting to be very close to your baby and not want to share her, and don’t let anyone make you think there is.

[blackcat86]

By all means speak to the GP about that anxious feeling you have but its also ok to have boundaries. Why should you be pressured to have others feed your EBF baby for their own benefit (because baby is happy with boob), why should you leave baby before either of you is ready? These things are for other adults to feel good but your child is not a toy to be passed around. Keep your boundaries but seek support for that anxious feeling. I found counselling really effective as for me, my boundaries were fine, my gut feeling was fine, what I wanted for me and my baby was fine but some people around me were gaslighting me for wanting basic rights, boundaries and respect. That in itself was making me feel anxious.

[stella1know]

She is only 8 months, and she is part of you still. I see all of this as normal, within range. Your hormones are still set differently and are closely attuned to your baby. Especially if you are breastfeeding, the hormonal connection is physically different and that is normal and ok.
If you had someone around every day who you trusted and who knows your baby well, eg your mother, you would get some time off. Don’t feel pressured to hand her over to aunties who would stick her in the pram with a sippycup of juice while they chat on their phones or smoke at the playground.
Do try and get some hours off every week when your baby is a year old or whenever you can, when you have someone you can rely on. But it can be quite rational to not let anyone else look after your small baby, especially if they aren’t generally as careful/diligent as you are and aren’t part of your regular life.
Read The Continum Concept - by a vintage french explorer lady, or some sociology by Margaret Mead, for different parenting approaches.

[eeyore228]

I think you need to chat to someone about it, whether you realise it or not you may pass on anxiety to your baby. You will end up being that mum trying desperately to leave your child at school or with someone for emergencies and struggle because they are crying so much. Long term won’t be healthy for you or baby, it’s normal to be a little anxious but there’s a line. It’s good for babies to mix and get used to other people for their own social skills and development.

[OverTheRainbow88]

Well that would have been useful in OP as it explains your feelings

[TheFoz]

@alesha123445 I really think you need to have a conversation with your partner and your GP. Your behaviour isn’t healthy but it is fantastic that you can see how you are behaving, that’s a definite positive step.