My 5 month old hates me

[Luce988]

My 5 and a half month old son really hates me. He won’t make eye contact or smile at me, but stares and laughs at my husband endlessly. I used to nurse him to sleep but lately he refuses to even do that and if I try and rock him or shh him, he’ll scream until he’s choking until my husband comes in. Tonight after an hour of trying to get him to sleep, I gave up and my husband had to take over and he instantly calmed down. I’m devastated and I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. My heart is broken.

How are you feeling generally? I'll be honest, I got big PND vibes from your post.

Your baby does not hate you! My 7 month old did this last night to his dad who he ADORES. I was terrified he’d continue to only settle with me but today he was back to normal. We have been here before.

Honestly, your baby doesn’t hate you - he doesn’t even have the capacity to dislike you even if it feels that way. It’s a phase, it will pass, don’t stress.

My baby bucked and scratched for ages a week ago until I realised he was teething, after dose of calpol he was fast asleep
The fact you took it so personally maybe you are really tired and need a break , tell people how you are really feeling , seek help if you need it , I needed mental health help during pregnancy as I was in a bad way, everyone was super lovely and supportive, xxxxxx

Listen. It's not possible for your baby to hate you.

What it is, is that your baby is still so little that he stills thinks of you as an extension of himself. He doesn't know you're a separate person yet. Genuinely, it's true.

That's why other people get such a reaction. He's going 'oooh a new person!'

I’ve heard that but if it were true then he’d settle for me instead of screaming until he’s choking for my husband :(

No you're not right about that.

Also you're probably stressed so when someone who is fresh to the situation comes along it changes the vibe for all of you.

He's probably also teething/growing/extra hungry/windy or something too.

It isn't you. It isn't you.

How are you feeling generally?

Your baby doesn't hate you
No doubt he'll switch allegiance to you soon...babies can be fickle things.

You’d be right. I have had some counselling for it, but I still can’t get past the obvious preference for my husband over me. It’s really obvious and I keep trying and trying and it’s just getting on top of me. I’d love a few smiles, too.

Oh OP how are you sleeping? I find that my mood dips horribly when I'm sleeping badly and I react badly to things DD does. Your baby doesn't hate you - he doesn't even know you're a separate person to him yet. It's so so hard to be objective about things like this. Could he be picking up on your anxiety? DD also smiled first for DH and used to snuggle up to him but she's ten months now and I can't leave a room without her following me or getting upset.

Please take care of yourself, you sound like you've hit a real rough patch. Can you speak to your HV or doctor?

My sleeps terrible because his sleep is terrible. He’s been waking every 1-2 hours for over 2 months now. His naps are awful too and often refuses to sleep so we’re both in this perpetual cycle of overtiredness. Usually I nurse him back to sleep but now he needs my husband to rock him to sleep.

Sounds like my eldest who hated being 'settled' to sleep. Patting, nursing an shushing actively kept her awake and got her all upset. From about 5 months (when her naps also went down to 3 x 45mins a day) she would only sleep in a completely dark room with no stimulation. She just wanted to chew her fingers and after about 1-5 min of fussing would be out like a light.

Possibly the effort to settle baby is also over stimulating them? If your DP can settle them that sounds brilliant!

It can be a shock if you've done everything up to this point and they suddenly change. It does sound like you could do with a rest. The changes will just keep on coming. Your baby loves you unconditionally- even if they are not always great at expressing it!

You sound exhausted. Can you express some milk, so your DH can do a night feed or two, to allow you to get some sleep?

Oh @Luce988 you're exhausted and stressed and quite possibly feeling the effects of PND. Please listen to PPs - it honestly isn't even possible for your baby to hate you.

I have a small idea of what you mean, though - until recently, I felt that my baby wasn't bothered about me at all. That we didn't have a special mother-baby bond, that she didn't care who fed her, put her to sleep etc. I didn't feel "special" to her. But when DD got to about 9 months, suddenly she seemed to look for me, be happy to see me, reach for me and want comfort from me. And it was the best feeling in the world! But it's just another developmental stage and I'm pretty sure that the phase will pass and she'll prefer DH for a while and so on.

First you need to find a way of giving yourself a break. You NEED some proper sleep. Hopefully then you'll feel a bit stronger. It really is a question of hanging in there because things WILL change and things WILL get better!

Oh @Luce988 OP be kind to yourself. If both you and the baby sleep badly, it may be that you are grumpy (and rightly so!) and he feels it too. We had the same thing, the baby would scream himself crazy till my OH came and said "shhhh" and he'd be sleeping!

What I said to myself was this.

The baby is upset and needs sleep and no matter how this is done, him sleeping will make us all better. So I let my OH put him to sleep, and I showered, had tea and came to bed to my boys and had a cuddle with my OH and we all dozed off.

Guess what. After a bit all became better, we all slept better and I started to feel positive about the baby and was much more willing to take things easy, because I was better rested.

Give it a try. Remember you both are his parents and he adores you both, All he can do at the moment is channel emotions and vibes he feels so let him, it will all be ok

Oh love I absolutely promise you your baby doesn’t hate you !!

I agree with others you are prob stressed and he maybe picks up a little on that

Of course you are stressed and exhausted

Please be kind to yourself !!

Ah OP he can’t hate you as he doesn’t have those feelings yet. He may be picking up on your stress- your arms may feel like lying on planks of wood as opposed to - if your partner is relaxed - a soft pillow - that’s all. Not your fault. Do you have help in RL? Sounds like you need a bit of a break and a confidence boost. You must understand it’s not a battle between you and DH or that’s DS prefers one of you to the other. It could be as simple that a change is as good as a rest- if you care for him mostly the interest of someone else can be enough to distract/ comfort baby. Hugs

Some great advice up thread. Your baby doesn't hate you! Specifically about the going to sleep - is there a reason you don't nurse to sleep? All three of mine had tummy issues in the evening at some point, and when I tried to comfort them would want to latch on and feed, then after a few seconds have terrible pain in their tummies, arch their backs, squeal, and come off the boob. Trying to feed to sleep clearly not an option but also the fact that it was me and I smelled of milk meant they found it much easier to settle for my DP at various stages. The main thing is that baby gets to sleep.

With smiles too, one of ours was much more smiley for others than us. Much like grown ups I often felt one in particular just couldn't be arsed as much round us to smile because we were "just" mum and dad!

What you describe is completely normal, but since it is making you so low it could be a really good idea to talk about these feelings to your DP and a professional to help you to overcome them.

Awww

The only thing 5 month old baby's hate is cots and Moses baskets. Your baby loves you!

She can probably feel your stressed vibe, which makes her cry, which makes you more stressed thus turning into a big circle of grumpy.

Maybe try switching the routine up a bit, introduce a bath before bed, or make bedtime a bit later, earlier etc. Break the mould.

Hugs for you, don't be hard on yourself.

OP Because of your present situation, your husband is probably a lot calmer than you. Your baby will be picking up the tension from you and that is why he is settling for your husband.

You are not thinking rationally because you are disturbed by this and so will baby be.
It's easy for me to say relax but you need to stop beating yourself up so much. A hug on it's way

Your baby honestly doesn’t know you’re not an extension of him. Whereas your husband is a separate person to him. It’s a real bond not the Disney version you’re imagining. Please stop Comparing your baby’s reactions to other people- you’re his mother. He knows you from the inside out and loves you more than he loves himself. You need to believe that.

I know this is an old post but could you let me know how your baby is doing? I am currently going through the same thing. My son won’t make eye contact with me and is always fussy with me, but loves his dad and smiles at him all day.

This post was such a long time ago I forgot I made it! My son is 3 now and I really wish I could give you all the reassurance in the world, because that was a very dark time for me, and that makes me feel so sad for you. But I have (and have had) an amazing relationship with him! He went through periods where he only wanted me, especially before my daughter was born last year, and he’s very affectionate. I can’t remember exactly when it improved, but I’d guess by maybe 8-9 months, when I got some proper support. I think kids reflect back at us what we’re going through, and looking back I was not coping, I was so lost and I had all these expectations about having a baby that turned out to be so totally different. I had pp depression, I had to speak to a psychotherapist. I’m not saying it’s the exact same for you but I can say is please don’t think your child hates you, I thought this too and I promise you he doesn’t. Just love him unconditionally, be there for them regardless, and he’ll love you back. And if you’re having a hard time then seek support, because i had super intrusive thoughts and my self worth was gone. And that was the real issue, not how my son was reacting to me. There are days now when he only wants dad, and I’m totally fine with it. I have a 11 month old baby girl attached to me like crazy. But up until she was born my son only wanted me (bar the first 6-8 months of his life, or so i thought. I wish i could go back and talk to myself then because I used to cry thinking he hated me. And I wish I could give you all the reassurance in the world that he doesn’t hate you and it will get better.

Thank you so much for replying! Your words mean so much to me, I have to remind myself often that the only way he knows how to communicate is to cry. I’m mostly hoping his eye contact improves, that’s the hardest