Is it appropriate for my partner to sleep with his Son?

[Wonderlust2]

My partner meets up with his 10 year old son for weekends... I discovered he sleeps with his son even though there are 2 more bedrooms vacant in the house. I feel uncomfortable about this, but I'm not sure why. I was abused as a child and now alarm bells are ringing. Am I right to be concerned or am I overreacting?

I wouldn’t see this as weird but I haven’t been abused so I haven’t got that doubt in my mind. I may just be being naive.

What? He's 10, nothing wrong with it

You're overreacting.

This is a perfectly normal thing to do.

Your reaction to an innocent, and quite sweet, parenting choice, suggests that you could probably do with getting a little help for yourself to come to terms with what happened to you.

Sadly, its probably a nail in the coffin for your relationship too, it's not fair for him to be with someone who, lowkey, thinks he is a paedophile, and you will drive yourself mad reading things into absolutely everything from now on.

You're not overreacting and what a horrible thing for others to say when you've been abused yourself.
I totally get where you're coming from. It's your own inner trauma coming out and raising red flags, and I do think it rings alarm bells as well.

Of course you mustn't tar everyone with the same brush but you know this person better than we do and I think you should go with your gut. What do you propose to do next?

My 8 year old still sleeps with me lots - I’ve given up chucking him out. My friend has 11 year old twin boys and they fight over sleeping with her too. I think your past is colouring your take on this, it might be worth you getting some counselling? (Not meant flippantly, I was abused as a child too and have had a lot of therapy to try and resolve things)

It is normal for me. I often had my children in bed with me when DH was away. DS2 used to come into my bed until he was 12 and started puberty and then he stopped his choice.

I think it’s only an issue if the child does not have a choice ie nowhere else to sleep.

My ex has to travel to see his older two daughters and takes my 12 year old. Due to the hotel rooms and holiday lets he sometimes has to share with one of the girls age 21, 17 and 12.
Sure some people would find it strange but none of them do.

I think it's normal

It really depends. Might be innocent, might be not.
Personally, I started feeling weird when my daughter reached age of 9 and would still sleep with her dad sometimes. Not because he is a pervert but because it's the age when children become old enough to be curious about sexuality and it wasn't OK anymore imho.

It isn't horrible to tell someone they are overreacting if they are. Nobody has been horrible, at all in fact

It's not inherently inappropriate to share a bed with your child whether you're the father or the mother.

Normal.

My granddaughter often sleeps with her dad when she stays over, she's 11 and sneaks in during the night.

My kids have their own rooms but frequently end up in my bed. It’s just a comfort thing. Unless there was some other concern, I wouldn’t worry about it.

Perfectly ok IMO .

Normal I think for the child to start off in their own bed and climb in with dad if they wake up in the night. But I would be a little surprised if they start off in the same bed every night?

I have had counselling and realise that I can see things that are not there, which is why I asked for a general opinion. I won't take anyones opinion as nasty, just welcome honesty. Thanks.

Is he getting into bed with his son and not allowing him his own space? Or is the son choosing to sleep in the same bed as his parent.

My 8 year old still comes and sneaks into my bed during the night. My 9 year old doesnt does it when he has a nightmare. Some of my friends kids stopped doing that at 6, others are still doing it at 10/11.

As long as it is the child's choice and there are no other concerns then it's fine.

It’s normal but completely understand why you may have thought otherwise.

I wouldn’t say it’s the norm for a 10yr old but it doesn’t indicate sinister things.

My DC are all teens now and I miss having them sleeping with me whenever DH was away.
DS2 is 14, and we still sometimes watch a show in bed together but he will then move to his room (so he can spend an hour on his phone) .
DS2 is far more affectionate than my DD

I think it's not necessarily innapropriate but that it makes you uncomfortable is what you need to give some more thought. Because that's one of two things to me 1. Your history of abuse is clouding what is actually a normal situation or 2. Your history of abuse gives you insight at some gut level into what abuse looks like and you're picking up on something real to be concerned about. Maybe talk it through with someone you trust in real life?

its not unusual or unatural unless there are other issues or signs of problems potentially caused by abuse.

Our family has always been close and still as adults happy to share a room unless there is a massive snoring issue - lol, might draw the line at a small double but otherwise fine. I find it a bit more tricky mixing sexes at over about 14 unless there are other things going on.

Both my sons sleep with me at least once during the week, they go to sleep in their own room but if they know their Dad is away will move into me during the night. I understand your past clouds your judgement but I think it’s fine, most children don’t like sleeping alone but learn to do it, we are meant to sleep all together for safety but modern day life means we don’t need to anymore.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult how is not horrible to tell someone they're overreacting? Actually if that's how you feel then that your brutal honest opinion isn't it? So not everyone deserves to hear that, and if you choose to tell someone that then it can of course be perceived as nasty.