I don’t want to be a mum anymore

[cherrytree975]

I took DD (6.5 months) up for a nap at 10. She won’t stop fighting her sleep and crying and it’s nearly 11 now. Just the sound of her crying really grates and I can’t take it anymore. I’ve had to leave the room and shut the door on her for a few minutes because I’m so frustrated and tired. Yesterday we took her to the pub for a quick lunch (I know, bad idea) and she started crying the instant we got there - DH and I had to leave halfway through our food as she would stop for five minutes then start up again.

I can’t believe what my life has become, it’s so relentless and draining. Yet all my mum friends seem like they find it the easiest thing ever and I never see their babies cry.

I feel like not bothering with naps anymore because it’s such a struggle to get her to sleep. It’s so tempting just to leave her in her chair or on her mat until she’s completely shattered and falls asleep of her own accord.

Not sure what the point of posting this is really - I just needed a rant. Every day I literally just count down the hours until 7.30 when she goes to bed. I can’t tell DH, as he thinks I’m pure evil if I say there are times when I wish we could give her back. But it’s just such a struggle

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Being a mum is tough, regardless of how it may look like on the outside. Do you have any support around? What does your DH do? Have you spoke to your GP? Sending you hugs x

Is you husband taking equal parenting responsibility?

How many naps does she have her day? And how much active time does she have? Have you noticed a link between the crying and any foods she’s eaten. I would have a chat with the health visitor about her crying as it can sometimes be a really easy fix. Oh and there is NOTHING wrong with leaving your DD in a safe space for a bit if it’s really annoying you - I used to leave DS in his cot when his crying made me angry and would make myself a coffee or have a nap until I felt strong enough to get him.

It's hard and relentless and you are not alone in feeling the way that you are currently feeling. Taking a step away and shutting the door is sometimes the only thing to do, give yourself 5 minutes, breathe and then try again. I'm sure you are doing amazingly, don't be so hard on yourself. Nap times can be testing - they were in our house for sure especially when the routine was changing as our little one needed to drop a nap as she was getting to the point of not needing it, could this be where you are at now? It's very tricky and I have no wisdom or tricks just remember you are doing your best, it's bloody hard and take time out if your patience is being tested xx

My baby is only 10 weeks old so I’m new at this, but can completely sympathise. I think some children are definitely easier/harder than others and all this “it evens out eventually” is bollocks. Some people’s lives are infinitely easier than others... so why do we all pretend that with children they each have their own difficult stages?

My baby doesn’t sleep/nap and just screams. I am SICK of other mums telling me it’s normal. I’ve youve not had a difficult child I just don’t think people understand.

Do you have any support, someone to talk to or who could look after baby for an hour or two?

Also, does she need to nap at that time? If she's fighting it, could you leave it a little later? Both my children were very irregular with naps at that age, if I tried any routine it just made us all miserable and stressed. Following their cues (and giving up on a nap if it wasn't working) made us far more relaxed.

I think the easiest thing to do is accept that lunches / dinners are a PITA and not try.

Dts wouldn't sleep in a cot until they were 1. Every single nap was a walk in the buggy. Trying to get them to sleep in cots was just painful.

I could have written this! My little girl was a crier! None of my mum friends baby's cried. Not like mine.

For naps I walked her in the pushchair. It meant a bit of fresh air and she'd sleep. There's no way I couldn't put her down to sleep at that age.

She's now 15 months and a total different child. She become a lot easier once she could sit and be entertained. Bum shuffling and crawling helped massively too.

I feel your pain, OP. DS is 16 months now but has always been a difficult baby sleep-wise. His naps were exactly like yours. It was such a battle.

Do you drive? My DS would always manage to settle in the car. Some days I would go for a quick drive down the motorway to the next junction and back just to get him to sleep.

If not, the pram would help. A walk out would help put him to sleep, and even putting him in the sling.

It is so, so hard when you have a difficult baby. He's 16 months now and has still never slept through the night. He wakes on average every 2 hours on a great night. On a bad night, we have 30 minute wake ups. I've adjusted to it now (almost), but it is still hard.

Do you have any help available whilst DH is working? My mum would take DS for a walk for a few hours one day a week and that was great.

Do you have any routine to your week? We did a baby sensory class and as exhausted as I was, I found that having a reason to get out really helped me. Again, he'd be shattered at the end and fall asleep so I'd always get him straight home for us both to nap.

Another thing, we had a jumperoo. Oh wow, that was a life saver. He'd often bounce himself to sleep in that.

I’ve got a sleep refuser and it’s horrific.

Things that help.

Chucking him in the pram or the carrier and walking. Sometimes it helps him sleep. Sometimes it doesn’t. But I get exercise, And we both get fresh air and a change of scene.

Moving bedtime much earlier. Try aiming for 6 or 6.30.

Getting a break. You can’t pour from an empty pot. I do an evening class once a week. I’m out of the house two hours and I fiercely guard that time. DH also takes him out occasionally if we’ve had a rough night or I just need some time.

In response to some people’s questions:

We don’t have any family support nearby - not from any family members who are willing or able to help anyway. DH helps at evenings and weekends but is at work during the day.

I know she was ready for a nap as it was 2.5 hours since her last one when I took her up!

I didn’t think you were meant to leave babies crying on their own for even as little as 5 minutes.

Anyway she’s finally dropped off to sleep now - around an hour after taking her up. No doubt she will be awake again in 40 mins - so that’s an hour of trying to get her to sleep and crying for a 40 min nap. Great.

I feel like not bothering with naps anymore because it’s such a struggle to get her to sleep. It’s so tempting just to leave her in her chair or on her mat until she’s completely shattered and falls asleep of her own accord.

Does this work? If so, do it!

I know she was ready for a nap as it was 2.5 hours since her last one when I took her up!

Was there any other sign she was ready for a nap? If not, then presumably you're basing this on timings from a book or the internet? They might just not work for your baby and that's fine.

Next time take her up for a nap an hour later - she clearly wasn’t tired enough to sleep. 🤷‍♀️

Ah OP I empathise, it's savage at that age! Personally what I found worked was to follow their lead, if she conks out on the playmat when she is sleepy then roll with it. If you have somewhere safe to pop her, mama bear on YouTube is great for relaxing them, or just to keep them occupied for a bit whilst you need a breather. They don't get the memo about time for naps etc (unfortunately, wouldn't it be easier), so don't feel you need to either. Roll with it, overtired is an issue, so even if need be pushing in the pram to settle her a bit and then leaving her in there whilst she sleeps. Be kind to yourself as well.

And what Hardbackwriter said - just let her fall asleep wherever. That’s even better than she doesn’t need completely darkness/ silence to sleep!

OP I know everyone says it but it gets a lot easier, mine are 8 and nearly 6 now and I've forgotten all about the awful naptimes!

Mine hated being put in the cot for a nap. Because I'm lazy, and because it worked, I used to take them out in the pushchair, as it always made them fall asleep. Or the car. And I did that the entire time they needed naps. Luckily both dropped naps at a young age!

Don't listen to what anyone else says you should be doing. Do what works for you. Most of the time I enjoyed the walks with them in the pushchair, it was more difficult with my second baby but if this is your first don't worry about that! Do what works right now for you.

Mine never napped past a year and barely napped before that. Being a parent is tough, don’t make it more difficult than it needs to be as it’s a long haul!

If she falls asleep naturally then stop with the forcing of naps, it sounds like it’s just stressing you both out?!

Oh I feel for you OP, DD1 was like that and any time we took her anywhere it was so stressful. Meanwhile all our friends' babies were textbook (it seemed). It will get better but it is shit for now.

Oh and ditto PP mine never napped in the cot EVER they barely slept there, bouncer with my foot rocking them while I watched TV, walk in the pushchair or drive round the block then I slept in the car while they did. And only when I thought they were getting overtired.

Do what keeps you sane, ritualistically burn all parenting and “routine” books. They are utter horseshit.

It's shit when you have a hard work baby. I feel you

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way OP - babies are hard work, and many parents feel this way at times. Please remember that each stage doesn't last long, and then you're on to a new stage.
My DC was/is a sleep-fighter too. At first, she would ONLY sleep on my chest or when being held; we had some success with white noise (whale sounds, rain etc). But she never liked sleeping in her cot, and would only sleep in her buggy - so it meant lots of trips out in the buggy, getting her to fall asleep (at ANY time of day or night), then coming home and letting her carry on sleeping in the buggy (we had to ensure her buggies had good reclining positions).
Ultimately babies need to learn how to 'self-settle' - that is, put themselves to sleep. We had to just let her cry at times, which is one of the hardest things to do as a parent, but sometimes it is the best thing to do.

BTW 2.5 hours between naps sounds like too little time to me - try letting her stay up a bit longer to get sleepy.

Parenting is a bloody hard slog. Can you do anything enjoyable to help lift your spirits? Meet with other mums/babies at baby groups? (They are still running, as they are classed as education.) Or in the park? I had to get out of the house and go to lots of baby groups or meet up with friends with babies, to feel sane.
I wish I could tell you that it gets easier - in my experience as soon as I felt that I'd 'figured out' one stage/issue, everything changed and we were on to a new challenging stage/issue. Ironically I now look back on the baby/toddler stages as the easiest!

*I didn’t think you were meant to leave babies crying on their own for even as little as 5 minutes.
*
Personally I think if your at the point of wishing you could give her back (and I have felt like that too) leaving them alone for 5 minutes so long as they are safe is perfectly fine.

She doesn’t actually fall asleep naturally in the chair or on the mat - I just meant that if she fights her sleep that much, is it even worth trying to get her to nap

I just wish it would get easier.

Does she get stroppy if she doesn’t sleep? If not then don’t fight it.