I don’t want to be a mum anymore

[cherrytree975]

I took DD (6.5 months) up for a nap at 10. She won’t stop fighting her sleep and crying and it’s nearly 11 now. Just the sound of her crying really grates and I can’t take it anymore. I’ve had to leave the room and shut the door on her for a few minutes because I’m so frustrated and tired. Yesterday we took her to the pub for a quick lunch (I know, bad idea) and she started crying the instant we got there - DH and I had to leave halfway through our food as she would stop for five minutes then start up again.

I can’t believe what my life has become, it’s so relentless and draining. Yet all my mum friends seem like they find it the easiest thing ever and I never see their babies cry.

I feel like not bothering with naps anymore because it’s such a struggle to get her to sleep. It’s so tempting just to leave her in her chair or on her mat until she’s completely shattered and falls asleep of her own accord.

Not sure what the point of posting this is really - I just needed a rant. Every day I literally just count down the hours until 7.30 when she goes to bed. I can’t tell DH, as he thinks I’m pure evil if I say there are times when I wish we could give her back. But it’s just such a struggle

I don’t have an antenatal group and most of my mum friends don’t live nearby. I also really dislike baby groups - I hate having to wear a mask when playing with my baby and fine all the rules about social distancing off-putting. I know they’re necessary, it just makes the whole thing so stressful!

Neither of my babies have really napped properly until 9 months. You're not doing anything wrong! A lot of babies don't nap very well at all. With my first I remember taking 45 minutes of patting and bouncing and feeding just to get her to take a 2 minute nap!

It does get easier. Sometimes it helps to adjust your expectations.

Have you looked at possible issues such as colic, dose she sleep better upright? I know some people try and get their babies to sleep on their own and into a routine, but I always cuddled mine at this age if they didn’t want to sleep by them self’s. I also had 2 with colic so they would scream when led down. We ended up using a sleep wedge with 2 of them so they were on their sides and also a wedge under their cot mattress so their head was slightly raised.

Here is what the side wedge looks like. A lot of people won’t agree with it, but as far as I am concerned it was a god send for my 2. Baby #3 never needed it and hated it. Each baby is different x

Also dose she have a dummy? I was very anti them until I had a screaming baby. My oldest only ever had one at bedtime. #2 never had one and #3 has dozens😖

White noise is also good to help them settle. We used it more with #2 but it helped with all 3 at one stage or another x

It's so so hard, especially if you have a more hard work baby. Both my two have been particularly difficult between 4-7 months (well my DS is only 5 months but I'm thinking it'll be a similar pattern). I think they want to interact with the world around them but physically can't yet so get frustrated. Lots of people say at that age they can't get bored but I really think they do! With my older DD this stage pushed me into PND and I really struggled until she was 9 months. I have still found it hard this time around with DS and the crying does grate, but I have generally coped better as I know it does end and my lovely (mostly...) 4 yo reminds me it does pay off.

One thing about naps - if it's easier to just carrying on playing until she crashes just try it. With my older DD reading Mumsnet and general Internet advice made me obsessed with small wake times and catching that perfect sleepy window before they are too tired - it just never worked for us and I spent my whole life trying to make a crying baby sleep. With my DS I just can't do that as it wouldn't be fair on my DD. So we just play and get on with life and then when he's very tired he easily feeds asleep or falls asleep in pushchair/rocking chair. He has much longer naps than my daughter and it's much less stressful. Although I know this goes against all baby sleep wisdom but sometimes it's worth trying the path of least resistance.

Another thing - with my DD I was convinced everyone was coping better than me but I think actually nobody (myself included) wants to admit they are struggling or they don't enjoy their babies. I've talked to friends once we were out of the baby years and found out they really did have their own struggles.

What your feeling and experiencing is really common. I don't know when it'll get better for you, but it will. In the meantime perhaps speak to your GP - with my DD getting a PND diagnosis at 8 months and taking some meds made a world of difference.

I’m almost 8 months in with my first born. I do think it’s important to remember that everything is so temporary and that does help. Does your partner help?

OP I didn't like baby groups anyway, not in normal times! So I didn't go! My DC survived having a lazy mum and are perfectly well adjusted and happy primary school aged DC now.

Don't go if you do want to. Please don't put more pressure on yourself. Will she fall asleep in the pushchair? With my second baby, it wasn't always so easy to get out for a walk with the older one too, so I used to rock the pushchair back and forth in the kitchen! I'd actually forgotten that til now.

Please do whatever gives you the easiest day.

OP you sound like you could have post natal depression. I felt exactly the same way about wanting to give my baby back (and a lot worse) and it's because I had PND. Treatment changed everything. I still had a nap refuser with silent reflux and a dairy allergy who cried A LOT but I was able to cope and even enjoy her because I'd had treatment for the chemical imbalance that was making me so unhappy. Please seek help from your GP or HV for yourself as a priority. You don't have to carry on feeling like this. Once you're feeling better it will feel much more manageable to try implementing some of the tips above.

Read up on baby sleep cycles, 2.5 hours from her last nap may well be too long, making her overtired and impossible to settle.

My little girl was exactly the same, it will pass I promise

Ds1 was a bugger with sleep and naps.
How's her sleep at night?

I'd try either a strict routine, or just say fuck it and let her sleep when she's completely stuffed.

These might be all obvious things but is the room dark and do you have white noise?

Sometimes I used to play 'baby sleep lullabies' on Spotify to get ds to calm down.

Routine at 6 months would be something like

7am awake
9:15am wind down
9:30am nap
10am awake
11:30pm solids
12:15pm wind down
12:30/1pm nap
2:30/3pm awake (May need to cap at 2-hours to make space for 3rd Nap)
4:30pm 20-minute nap (Don’t attempt this nap if lunch nap is over 2-hours long)
5pm solids
6/6:30pm wind down
6:30-7pm bed for the night

My first was a doddle of a baby. Napped anywhere (but infrequently). Second baby a nightmare. Never ever slept. She'd have ten minutes, then be awake from newborn. Wouldn't sleep at night, up til midnight, then awake half a dozen times in the night.
Putting them somewhere safe and closing the door is sometimes the only way mums get through it.
Once DD got active she was better (at about eight months). She learned to read at three, and I'd just leave her with a big pile of books at night, if she woke up she'd just read.

She went to Oxford. Very successful now! So there's hope, but the tunnel can feel very, very long from your end of it.

I found it much easier to do things on the babies time, take their cues. When they seemed sleepy, rubbing their eyes, grouchy, whatever the signs are that your baby is tired, calm things down. Turn on the TV and snuggle with them on your lap or read something on your phone and snuggle. You can put them down then when they are asleep.
I know some people prefer for them to settle themselves, stick to a routine etc but if you are struggling I think it is just creating a rod for your own back. You can't fit a square peg in a round hole and each baby is different. Finding what worked for me and baby was much easier than going ok its been 3 hours they need to nap now.

I got a running buggy with my second child and focused on my running. I used to just bundle him up and off we went. If he fell asleep then great, if not at least he got fresh air and some experience of nature. I was nap obsessed with my first and ended up miserable. It felt selfish concentrating on myself at first but he still loves his buggy now and being outside. He is a crap sleeper but both of them were and I think it’s probably genetic so not worth stressing and struggling over.

Having said that I would let her sleep more than 30 mins in the morning if she kept sleeping. 3.5 hours sleep over the day and spread it out.

I remember walking with dd1 one winter evening with dh when dd1 was about 8 weeks old and I said to him, if you knew then what you know now would you want to do it again (have a DC)?

He said absolutely and was shocked when I said no I probably wouldn't.

Like you I had no support (family on the other side of the world) and I was fecking clueless. Fuck it was tough 😩

But I worked on those naps like no man's business as I needed the nap too!

What worked for me at different times was

• fiercely rocking in rocking chair then transferring
• hot water bottle in cot to warm it up (then take it out) but apparently this isn't recommend (although I did it with both mine 🤐)
• vibrating bounced chair
• white noise really loud

You name it, I tried it, and they worked to some degree at different stages so you just have to be pig headed in finding the right thing.

Shutting the door and going away to have a good cry yourself was absolutely the best thing to do, OP, you have great instincts and don't beat yourself up. It is incredibly hard and you are doing a great job.

It must be doubly hard being a new parent at the moment as people must feel so isolated and alone. Do you have any help from health visitors and so on now? Mind you, they do vary in how helpful they are!

My DD was a complete sleep dodger...awake every 2 hours over night and fought naps with every inch of her being! She was exhausted and needed more sleep and so did I as I had a toddler too. I had to sleep train her and it was hard but within a week she was settling more reliably and cheered up massively. Lord I remember the whinging and clinging to me as she was so tired...nearly drove me off my rocker. Things got.much better when she had just a day time nap of 2 hours in the.middle of the day..We used to have an activity in the morning- a nap- another activity in the afternoon to wear them both out. Consistent bed times/routines (which she also fought) but needed.

It was so hard especially as you are so tired your resilience will be low. My DD is now 4 and sometimes still naps in the car and does a solid 12 hours a night. It will be ok and you will be ok.

Me and DH cuddle DS for his naps. He'll be 11 months tomorrow. We tried and tried and tried to put him down but he would just ping awake and cry. It's just not worth the fight. He doesn't nap on a schedule because that was just another fight and he seems to be doing ok.

I called DH at work when DS was about 4 weeks, I was just so tired and DS just wouldn't sleep. I was so sleep deprived I honestly felt like he was doing it on purpose. Like he knew I desperately needed to sleep but wouldn't let me. Not rational I know. I did have PND but that's not to say you do. Having a baby is hard work and can push anyone to the end of their tether.

I spent a large proportion of my DS's first year trying to find ways to 'trick' him into sleeping. Swaddling, rocking, swing, bouncer, white noise...you name it, I tried it. What worked in the end was a combination of rocking, sleepyhead and white noise. He also slept in the pram carrycot quite well...For naps, I'd sit on the sofa watching TV and push the pram to and fro with my foot until he fell asleep.

We turned a corner at 8 months and things got a lot better after that...He's been a great sleeper since around 14 months.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, it's just no one can tell you quite how long your particular tunnel is...

Persevere with the naps though...Sleep breeds sleep.

Firstly you need to forget the idea that being a parent is easy - it's tricky - babies are all different - what works for one won't work for another - they don't work to a timer and you will get to know the "right" time to try to put them down for a nap

P.S. I've also learnt that it's ok not to like babies. They're not very interesting. Since DS, I've discovered that I'm not a baby person but I really like toddlers. It might be the same for you.

I remember taking my first baby at 5m to visit my aunt with my brother. He didn't sleep the entire day and then screamed all the way home (overtired). He wouldn't nap in the pram, the sling, so the idea of putting him down in his cot for a sleep was just crazy!

I've just had my second and he sleeps for England, naps for hours in his cot and it's made me realise it was nothing to do with my parenting, babies are just different and I started off with a nap dodger. Luckily he learnt to nap in the pram with the snoozeshade at 10mish, hopefully yours will too.

Walking away was absolutely the right thing to do. Sometimes we just need a minute and that's ok. Babies are hard work, some more than others and I think it's very normal to sometimes think that it was easier before and if you had your time over you'd do differently, especially when you are right in the midst of it.

I know that right now it feels like it's going to be like this forever, the light at the end of the tunnel can be really hard to see but it does pass, they grow and change really quickly at that age.

Don't get too married to ideas of when and where they 'should' nap and go off what works, for example, my DD would only nap in the pram, rocked back and forth with my foot with white noise blaring away till she was around 18 months and then she started sleeping in her cot (still with the white noise, do you have a ewan? We loved ewan). She dropped naps altogether at 3.

There is a lot of trial and error with this parenting lark. It's not easy. Babies can be boring and toddlers can be feral little beasts, the first 4 or 5 years are rough. No one tells you that bit though!

Hello,

Everyone here is giving you all the sleeping tips, so I won't chip in on that.

I just wanted to say, I had postnatal depression and I think you might have it too. If you can get some support or treatment for that, everything else will be more manageable. GPs are usually really good with this as a priority if you call and say 'I'd like an appointment because I'm worried about having postnatal depression, I'm worried I'm not coping very well' they will see you and they will take you seriously and help you. There are lots of options in terms of CBT counselling, special weekly support groups with other mums who are also finding it hard (you need to get you some mum friends who also have tricky babies!), as well as antidepressants if you choose to have them.

You will probably also feel better once you have been open with someone about how you're feeling. It's really tough your DH doesn't want to hear that you're finding it hard. I remember wanting to give the baby back so I could have some sleep! And feeling guilty about saying it to DH. You are not alone in feeling this (about 10% of women have postnatal depression) and it can get better. If you speak to a GP, you will probably feel a better straightaway because you will have got some control of the situation back, rather than feeling you have no control.
I really feel for you. When I had my first I couldn't understand all the NCT mums who were saying how much they enjoyed it. Only when I had my second did I understand how maternity leave could actually quite nice and fun (despite still being gruellingly hard work).

It is really hard work having a baby, and doing it when your mood is low and you are feeling defeated and inadequate really is the pits. Please think about seeking help if you can. And all the lovely mums on here are always here to support you. You've got this.

You have my sympathies. Neither of mine have ever slept in their cot for naps. I was determined that baby 2 would and worked on it for months. Gave up eventually and now he's 2 and I put him in the buggy or car for naps, less stress. Do whatever gets you through it. I had an 18 month old non-sleeper when he was born so I actually spent time driving& reversing the car in short bursts through a McDonald's drive through so we were moving enough to keep the little sleep stealers asleep while I got fries. It's fucking tough.

Try the "Gentle Sleep Solutions". It won't give you a "one-size fits all"spreadsheet, but will help you understand your babie's sleep and work on cues and triggers for it. I also found "the wonder weeks" book helpful as a sanity saver - knowing your child is clingy and extra-annoying because they are going through a mental upgrade helps a lot emotionally, even if you can't do much about it!

FWIW, it does get better. Mine were like yours a few years back and I could have written you post, minus the Covid complications. I learned to roll with the naps when they occurred and I handed the baby to DH in the evening so I could sleep.