Only child

[mumtojess]

AIBU in only wanting one child? Have a DD and feel that my cup is full so to speak. However, I do worry sometimes that she may be lonely as she is growing up and that I am being selfish. Although, I will encourage er to socialise as much as possible as she is growing up. I have severe "middle kid" syndrome and fear that this may also be influencing my decision. Feel very mixed up as am constantly being asked when I am going to have another child and when I reply that me and DP are happy with our DD, get the response of "she'll need a brother or sister as she is growing up" or even worse " an only child is a lonely child". I know that ultimately this is our decision, but would really appreciate some thoughts as really confused

I think it is down to your personal situation and opinion...

I have always been happy with one, but am now ttc #2 as our family feels incomplete.

My dd is 5 and by watching the other children in the playground I can tell that she is an only child. For example, when she gets jostled in the scrum to line up she reacts like it is the end of the world and takes it as a personal affront. Kids with siblings seem to shrug it off and carry on with what they were doing. This is the case with the other only children in the class (and not just dd being a diva...)

She has been to toddler groups and child minders at various times since she was 5mths old so has had lots of socialisation.

Lately she has been asking for a brother or sister as she sees her friends with their younger siblings and I think she does feel a little lonely and left out at times.

I have one dd and will not have any more and I am sick of other people saying to me "that's cruel"!
You should only have a baby if YOU- the person who has to carry it and care for it- really want one.
I never got on with my sister until she moved to America! Dh never got on with his brother they only speak when they meet up at Christmas. There's no malice they are just so different.
I have a lot of friends who are "onlys" and they are the nicest people. Confident, grounded, interesting, kind.
What would happen if you created a sibling out of guilt and it was severly disabled? These things do happen. Your dd would be quite neglected if that happened.
Nothing in life is 100% perfect. The only thing your daughter needs is love from you and the encouragement to enjoy her life her way.

This is an issue close to my heart at the moment. I am currently pregnant with what will be an only child. I am dreading the interfering comments.

We made our decision because we can give one child a wonderful life, whereas with more money naturally has to go further, the logistics of travelling become harder, the attention is spread thinner, etc etc etc.

My husband and I have a lot of friends who are only children and as the previous poster says, they are all balanced, confident people. I am one of three and always felt overlooked by my parents, pushed to the side or outvoted by my two brothers. I now think one brother is ok but I can't stand to be in the same room as the other one, so I know people who think they are giving their multiple children automatic close lifelong companions are dead wrong!

I think you can often tell an only child, and it's quite positive. That little girl on Child of Our Time (I think her name is Rhiannon or Rhianna?) is a lovely, poised, confident child. The girl who was very premature is the same - they're both exceptionally articulate from all the time they've spent around adults.

Why do people feel the need to comment on what is such a personal decision?

If you, your DP & DD are happy then that is all that matters. Having a sibling can be great but I think being an only child can have some advantages too. There are pros and cons to everything. She'll be fine - lots of people grow up with siblings that they don't get on with. Having good parents that take care of her and love her is more important than brothers & sisters imho

We are going to print out a card to give the first nosey person who asks about our plans for number two:

"Congratulations! You are the first person to stick your nose into our fertility plans! This card entitles you to buy us a bottle of champagne, a bunch of flowers, and give us a shame-faced apology!"

I have two children and would not have it any other way but I also have a friend who only has one child. She is a very happy girl and has loads of hobbies/clubs and lots of friends. She is perfectly fine. I wouldnt be able to do all the things her mum does for her havingg my two children and so I strongly believe what they may miss out on in sibling company they make up for in other ways with your extra time, friends and a greater social life.

My DD aged 9 months is an only child as I don't think DH and I will have any more children. DH and I are also both only children - we have lots of friends now and also did as small children. I did go through a phase of wanting a sibling and used to prop up a large doll in the window and call her my little sister to my school friends...but that passed. The friends I had at nursery and primary school are still reasonably close nearly 40 years on and I never missed having a sibling later on...and was certainly not a "lonely" child.

It is a personal decision - probably other only children feel very different to myself and my DH and would certainly not want their child to be an only child. On the other hand to bring a child into the world just so a child has a sibling can be a tough decision if there are financial considerations.

I'm an only child because my mum and dad couldn't have any more - they were told they couldn't have children in the first place but they kept trying and managed to have me! I also have 3 children of my own.

There are pros and cons really and you should do whatever suits you best.

Pros - you get all the attention, the best of everything and can chose which friends you take on days out/holidays instead of having to put up with the same sibling. Also, I'm used to my own company and I'm not afraid of spending time alone.

Cons - you get all the attention and there's nobody to distract your parents from you. I feel that I was spoilt - not in monetary terms but because I was showered with love so constantly that I found it to be suffocating. Again in contrast to the above, I sometimes crave time to myself because I was so used to getting it while growing up.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents but sometimes I get sick of being the centre of attention!

HTH

PLP xxx

My DS is 4 yrs old now and for many reasons we have so far not given him a brother or sister. We have not ruled it out completely but I don't think it would be that awful if it never happened either. TBH I think the 3 of us together are very good friends and very close (without him being spoilt hopefully!) and I don't think he is a lonely boy as he has lots of friends and interaction in nursery. If it feels right for you to have only one child, then that's ok.

It may be worth bearing in mind that sometimes people ask about plans for a second child because it is 'the thing to ask' or because they are trying to make conversation. I have found myself doing it to people just to fill gaps in conversation... However it doesn't mean that people can badger you about it obviously.

My DD is an only - we started a bit late, and then found I had PCOS so it took longer than expected, and we were fairly lucky to get even one!. Actually no-one has stuck their noses in at all (maybe its obvious I'm over that particular hill ) so that helps me not be mixed up about it.

Each family should do what is right for them. In our case, one is right. DD doesn't want a sibling. Quite a lot of her friends are also onlies - its not at all uncommon nowadays you know. She does have a 'little brother' though - our dog. DH was an only too, and he also had a beloved hound. If you're at all into animals, a pet can be great company and also the child isn't so much your sole focus.

Finally... another mum-of-an-only had a good line, "Why have another when we got it right first time?"

What a brilliant response I shall have to remember that for the next time I meet with the MIL!!

Thanks for all the responses it has really helped - keep wondering why it took me so long!

Any ideas for responses to not wanting her christened?!! Only kidding, that really is just down to personal choice

Mumtojess, I'm 38 & a half weeks pg with my first baby, and the health visitor came round the other week to introduce herself. One of the questions she asked was 'do you and your partner have a faith, and will you be getting your baby baptised?' I thought that was a bit intrusive. None of our family have even asked about getting babs baptised!

Felt like telling her to mind her own business, but told her that neither of actively practice the religion we were brought up with, and that we hadn't decided on having the baby baptised. She dutifully wrote it all down in her file. Eek.

FWIW, in response to the origianl topic, I'm an only child. My mother was in her early 40s when she had me. I almost had a younger sister, but my mother had a late miscarriage/stillbirth, which is how I ended up an only child. I can't recall ever being lonely as a child. I had lots of friends and relatives to play with, and also enjoyed my own company. However, I was perhaps a little shy on meeting new people - but that's not necessarily due to me being an only child though. There are pros & cons to being an only child & to having siblings. If you decide to stop at one child, your DD will cope with it I'm sure.

I would have been unhappy to only have one child .. nobody's business but mine and DH's

Much as you being unhappy to have more than one is nobody's business

I would recommend having some of those cards printed that nine is talking about .. they seem rather fab