"You've ruined your life"

[Closingtime94]

Hello,

This might be a long rant of nothingness but I'm just feeling overwhelmed, I'm 20 weeks pregnant with a little boy and the amount of times I've heard this is horrible, in the early stages of pregnancy I was considering having a termination because of this comment ( I must have just been feeling vulnerable with pregnancy hormones and HG).

I'm 25, I'm married and I own my house. Both me and DH have decent jobs, I'm studying at uni full time and we have seven animals (2 dogs and 5 cats). In the past we've travelled a lot as we had disposable income and a lot of people (I mean a lot family, friends, random people on Facebook) have told me I'm throwing my nice life away because of the baby - they seem to think I'll drop out if university, get rid of all my animals and end up on benefits (there's absolutely nothing wrong with people being on benefits just annoys me they are using it as a negative).

Please can you send me positive stories of life after children? I'm under no illusion it'll be easy but I know I won't be giving up my animals or quitting my job or uni.

Thank you for listening, I'm just frustrated with everything and everyone at the moment haha maybe it is just pregnancy hormones

I think you’re just talking to the wrong people. Being a mum has been amazing and has enriched my life

Ignore them.

I think you’re talking to some very strange people. Sounds like you’re perfectly set up to welcome a baby, and you’ve enjoyed yourself too. I wish I’d started having kids younger. Honestly ignore these people and focus on your family.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Of course babies changes your life, but for the better. You are in a secure relationship, have a happy home life and have good prospects for the future. I cant think of a better starting point.

@Porridgeoat

I think you’re just talking to the wrong people. Being a mum has been amazing and has enriched my life

Absolutely this! Having DC has only improved my life - made it trickier at times, yes but brought me so much love and happiness, and encouraged me to try and make the best of myself.

I think 25 is a great age to have a child. Physically you are in your prime, you aren't too young/old and you are financially secure. I had my only child at 22. Never wanted to be an older mum. I'm 37 now and if I look after young children or babies I am shattered after a few hours!

Like PP you need new friends or less contact with your family! You have home, job and husband - sounds like you tick every box for the ideal set up for having a child.
Ignore them all, having kids is flipping hard work but sounds like you are ready for it.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and ignoring stupid people

Who the hell is saying that to you?! No one who’s opinion is worth valuing would be saying that.

Friends, family and ransoms... that's so strange. It's perfectly standard to have a baby in your mid-twenties.

Yep, you need new friends. Sounds like you've got everything sorted that you possibly can. Congratulations on your beautiful baby! Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy and birth. Your life will change, that's undeniable; however, you'll love it. Uni, animals and stuff will be fine if you and DH are a team and discuss everything logistically before your DS comes along. Wishing you all the happiness and health in the world x

How mean of them.

Maybe they had very tough times themselves but it's no excuse to be so negative.

Having children is a challenge but it can be very worthwhile for lots of parents. There must be some background for that sort of reaction from a person I would guess.

You’re not ruining your life at all. But do you have a plan for finishing your degree and is it realistic? It would be a real pity not to graduate if you’ve already put lots of the work in and you’ll be glad of the degree behind you once you’re looking for work.

@museumum

You’re not ruining your life at all. But do you have a plan for finishing your degree and is it realistic? It would be a real pity not to graduate if you’ve already put lots of the work in and you’ll be glad of the degree behind you once you’re looking for work.

My plan at the moment is relying on my grandma and childcare - I work 3 days a week and go to uni 2 days a week but my grandma has kindly offered to have baby on the 2 days as she's around the corner from my uni and then in September next year I'll have help from the uni with childcare - I'll be honest my family are being a bit negative about it especially my dad and grandma but to be fair to them they are offering to help me with him while I finish uni and do things like that so I don't know if it's coming from their heart but they're just expressing their concern all wrong

I was going to say it may be unhelpful "fretting" on their part but that if they are offering to help it shows they are willing to support you in a concrete way.

Best of luck op. Congratulations!

All I can say is, yes, it's bloody hard work raising kids, and yes, I 'did it all' before having kids. But what an empty vessel I was before kids. Really. Life was so lonely and predicatable. Having people to love and grow with, having a family, is just the best. It doesn't get any better than that.

In March, I was in ICU with a 50/50 chance of surviving. I knew this. It was made very clear to me that I might not leave hospital. So, to cut to the chase and avoid rehashing a sob story, what was going through my mind? Just my kids. My husband. My life with them and funnily enough, no thoughts on my life before them other than memories of my dad and grandmother who are deceased. That amazing trip to wherever didn't enter my mind. That Once In A Lifetime experience didn't even attempt to pop up as a memory. You don't need to go see the Great Wall or hot air balloon over the Serengeti. We can live full, happy lives without the glitz and fluff. What is a 'nice life' really? It's just that. Nice. It's what other people aspire to and it's what has people talking about you and now, as you expect your beautiful son, the nice life is what has people criticising you for doing the one thing that in my humble view matters, above all: Having a family. Fuck the nice life. Live the good life, the one with meaning and integrity. Don't listen to the haters.
There is no love like the love you will feel for your little boy.
There is no trip like the birth of your child. Nothing tops that.
And that is what I was thinking on that very long night in ICU when the consultant said things may go wrong and if they do, I'll be in the best place and I'll be looked after, whatever happens. I thought about birth. I was in the same hospital where I'd delivered my babies, years earlier. It was very surreal and very sad knowing that this could be it. Curtains. All I could think about was my children's births and our lives together. That was all that mattered in those long hours of that first night and the days that followed.

Finish uni. Keep your pets. Love your little baby. It is hard. The early years will test you. But we're the grown ups and our role is to navigate the uncharted waters for these new little people we bring into the world. Love and protect your little baby, your family. Love your baby's father. Grow together. Be patient. Go easy on yourself when it's all too much. You'll hit walls. You'll slide down rainbows. It's all a bit swings and roundabouts. But love makes anything is possible.
Your external life reduces a bit, having kids (you travel less, you won't be white water rafting in Oregon, for example). But your internal life expands beyond anything you've ever felt or experienced. Your heart will fill like a balloon. I can't describe the love that hits you like a hammer when you have your firstborn. It is amazing. And it gets you through those sleepless nights and the teenage arguments.
It's a whole new chapter of your amazing life, OP. And you get to share that life with a person you will love with the whole of your heart for the rest of your life. How amazing is that?

Will you be taking maternity leave from uni? Because I think being a year behind where you would have been may seem like a lot for them. You're already a bit older than the norm if it's an undergrad, have you much time left?

To be honest I think if the people who are most unhappy about it are the people who you will be reliant on to support you and provide childcare then that's fair enough. If you can afford childcare full time until you finish uni then there's no issue but if things will be awkward and you'll need other people's help I can see why those people might feel you should have waited. But ruining your life is a bit overly dramatic- Id just make sure you finish your course.

What do you say to these people who say that to you?

I feel what these 'people' may be doing is that they are trying to put you down quite frankly because they are jealous.

@Closingtime94 there's something not quite right with the people saying that to you in your life.
We're in similar positions, I'm also 25 and married and in the middle of a degree (Open university so i've just asked to pause it for a year and they're very flexible) and the way I see it is we're financially stable and are in a great place. I

I've always wanted kids at this age, means they ll be independent hopefully before I'm 50 and plenty of time to perhaps get to be a grandparent.

@worriedmama1980

Will you be taking maternity leave from uni? Because I think being a year behind where you would have been may seem like a lot for them. You're already a bit older than the norm if it's an undergrad, have you much time left?

To be honest I think if the people who are most unhappy about it are the people who you will be reliant on to support you and provide childcare then that's fair enough. If you can afford childcare full time until you finish uni then there's no issue but if things will be awkward and you'll need other people's help I can see why those people might feel you should have waited. But ruining your life is a bit overly dramatic- Id just make sure you finish your course.

He's actually due near the end of my course so I was just thinking of taking two weeks off (if birth goes well) and then going back for a few weeks to finish and then I'm on Mat leave from work so we'll have a solid 4 months of mama/baby time before I go back to work and university- I don't know if they think I'm trying to do too much and it's coming from a place of love (with my family anyway dunno about those on Facebook )

I think the reason people think you'll give up your animals, degree and job is because so many people do. Everything else goes out of the window. I can't tell you the amount of times I've seen ads on Gumtree for dogs for sale with the description 'since baby came along we don't have time for them' or 'Since baby came along, he's not getting the attention he deserves'.

Not to say you'll do that but their feelings on this haven't come from nowhere.

Don’t bother with anyone who would be so rude. It won’t be the only unpleasant stupid remark they have to make. Your life’s not ruined or on hold because you have caring responsibilities - that’s just a part of life. At 25 I was a doctor and caring for my dying mother. Not much time to myself perhaps but life wasn’t on hold....I was living it. Same when I had a child much later.

I am concerned for the PP though who would hate to be an older mother because at 37 she is exhausted after a couple of hours of babysitting.....that’s really very unusual and should be investigated. Thankfully like other older mothers I’m fit and healthy so manage well. Just as well as my career would be over if I were so easily tired too.

Oh come off Facebook!

In time your family may be your biggest supporters. Just reassure them that you have a plan in place.

You can still travel with kids, it's just different. I spent 6 months of each of my maternity leaves travelling around Asia/South America/Middle East. Ok there were no $1 beers, jumping out of planes or party nights like previous gap years but we did just fine. Not being able to travel with them this year has been one of the most challenging parts for me.

You can pretty much do anything you want with kids.. keep the job, keep your pets, keep your hobbies but there are many for whom children bring a shift in priorities and that's understandable too. I actually adopted my dog 8 years ago from a family with a new baby.

Congratulations! Good for you. It’s not always easy, but it’s v rewarding. It is possible to work and study with a child if you have support - I did postgrad exams with a toddler (though DH and my parents and a friend helped)