"You've ruined your life"

[Closingtime94]

Hello,

This might be a long rant of nothingness but I'm just feeling overwhelmed, I'm 20 weeks pregnant with a little boy and the amount of times I've heard this is horrible, in the early stages of pregnancy I was considering having a termination because of this comment ( I must have just been feeling vulnerable with pregnancy hormones and HG).

I'm 25, I'm married and I own my house. Both me and DH have decent jobs, I'm studying at uni full time and we have seven animals (2 dogs and 5 cats). In the past we've travelled a lot as we had disposable income and a lot of people (I mean a lot family, friends, random people on Facebook) have told me I'm throwing my nice life away because of the baby - they seem to think I'll drop out if university, get rid of all my animals and end up on benefits (there's absolutely nothing wrong with people being on benefits just annoys me they are using it as a negative).

Please can you send me positive stories of life after children? I'm under no illusion it'll be easy but I know I won't be giving up my animals or quitting my job or uni.

Thank you for listening, I'm just frustrated with everything and everyone at the moment haha maybe it is just pregnancy hormones

I could understand people saying this if you were 17 and twenty weeks pregnant but of course it’s not going to ruin your life. It will curtail things for a while and your life will take on a routine around the baby, but this is just being a responsible parents. It’s extremely hard work and children can be a pain in the neck. It can be a thankless job at times, but it’s also wonderful and rewarding. You need to change the people you’re associating with. All that negativity isn’t good for anyone.

You can pretty much do anything you want with kids

Well I must be doing it all wrong because I can't do half the things I want to!

I could almost have written this two years ago. I was 25 when I got pregnant with my first. We’d JUST bought a house, were engaged (got married during the pregnancy), had lots of animals (chickens and rabbits), and had generally spent the last few years being selfish and having fun. And pregnancy was HARD. I too had HG and considered termination.

My little boy (just 2) is great. Hard work, a total pain in the arse, mad... but great. And I’m pregnant with number 2... because I’m for a penny, in for a pound! 😂

We still do loads of the stuff we did pre-baby. We have very demanding hobbies, go on adventures, enjoy life... it’s just a bit different!

Random question, do the friends and family who are saying this like your husband? Do you have a happy marriage?

He's actually due near the end of my course so I was just thinking of taking two weeks off (if birth goes well) and then going back for a few weeks to finish and then I'm on Mat leave from work so we'll have a solid 4 months of mama/baby time before I go back to work and university- I don't know if they think I'm trying to do too much and it's coming from a place of love (with my family anyway dunno about those on Facebook grin)

This might explain some of their concern (though not why they're putting it in such horrible terms as "you've ruined your life"). Going back to uni two weeks after birth is possible, if you're lucky with the birth, but will be absolutely brutal and I don't think you'll want to do it. When you say 'going back to finish' - is that to take exams? I think there are good reasons for them to think this isn't a good plan, and I suspect their concern is that you'll then end up failing/dropping out entirely, which wouldn't happen with a more realistic plan.

@KitchenConfidential

Random question, do the friends and family who are saying this like your husband? Do you have a happy marriage?

Yes, we have a good marriage and they like him - I think I'm the problem in all honesty I'm the baby of the family and I've spent the last 25 years saying I'm never having kids so maybe it's a shock to their system - the people on Facebook are more subtle but I had one lady tell me kids aren't a prize and it's the worse thing I could do

Having a baby changes your life, not necessarily negatively.
It's another person to consider, to put 1st and can be stressful but they dont stay babies forever.
If you've got childcare covered theres no reason why you cant continue to study and work, be prepared for the blips like not being able to got to uni or work due to the baby being poorly or childcare has let you down, we've all had these issues.
As for travel, babies can travel with you and as they get older you will both enjoy travelling.
Dont let people knock your confidence, babies change your life for the better not ruin it

It’s because you’re at uni and 25, I’m guessing. It’s not justified. In 5 years time the same people will be annoying you asking when you’re going to have a baby. If you find it tough you can always defer a year at uni after you’ve had your baby. It’s not the end of the world. I don’t see why you’d get rid of any pets. Cats practically look after themselves anyways. Dogs and children can be amazing combinations as long as the dogs are well socialised and don’t have their space invaded too much.

I fell pregnant with my son in my final year of uni but I gave birth a few months after graduating. I can’t imaging doing uni work with a new baby but each to their own (mainly due to sleep deprivation but some sleep well).

There is no perfect time to have children however your life seems very settled.
Some people will always have an opinion but you have to do what is right for you.
The feeling of being part of your own family is wonderful and there are lots of warm fuzzy moments. Watching your child’s development brings a huge amount of joy and warmth to life.
Focus on the people you love and things you love to do.

Firstly Congratulations on your pregnancy .I always think its odd when young people live together/marry and everyone is "shocked" TBH! If DF/DGM are a little concerned for you that is different to random people making nasty comments.Reassure them you will be completing your course and looking after Baby.Sounds lovely to me ,lots of Animals and a committed relationship to boot! You are 25 not 15 FFS .Often relatives still see us as "children" My cousin still comments on what a lovely baby I was (Im in my 50s BTW!)

So is the baby due just before the end of one year, then you would take four months and come back and finish your final year? I have to say I only know one person of all the many people I know who have given birth who could have studied two weeks after their first baby. Even at four months, mine was still waking every two hours and my brain was mush, though I know a few people who had good sleepers then. Will your husband be able to take leave for those initial few weeks? Would it just be going in for exams or whole days?

I think your family probably have realistic concerns though they're probably not expressing them the best way.

However, what did you put on Facebook?Was it literally 'baby on the way!' and people piled on with comments? I have literally never seen anyone comment anything other than congratulations on a pregnancy announcement so can't believe how rude those acquaintances are being, unless it's fellow college friends saying 'oh god are you crazy what are you doing?!' In which case it's probably just them reflecting their own situation and how they would feel if they were pregnant at this stage. But they really need to have a better filter.

Congratulations! I'm 24 and have a 9 month old DD, we did holidays, short weekend abroad trips, saw shows etc. I feel like I've done stuff I wanted to do before we had a baby and now we have her I don't ever think 'oh I wish we had of done this and that'. It's a new best friend to experience stuff with, it changes your life like you wouldn't believe but it's the best. My daughter is my best friend and I wouldn't change anything. I said to DP the other day that I don't know how people do it later in life because it's knackering, I'm glad I'm a parent at this age because you have enough energy to run around after them!

Maybe they are just worried because your plan for finishing uni seems fairly dependent on them helping you. How long do you have left at uni? I would personally not have been able to go back to University 2 weeks after giving birth. In fact I was back in hospital after having a PPH. I was unlucky and this doesn’t happen to most people but things do go wrong. Feeding is hard to establish sometimes etc.

They probably just want the best for you and wanted you to finish uni first but it’s still a bit mean (and too late!) to be saying those things now. Hope all goes well x

I have a very good friend who had kids young, unlike the rest of us. Like you, she was married and settled and ready for kids before she turned 25. She had her degree already, and worked in a pretty good job for a few years, before taking time out to have the baby.

The truth is that at 25, if you're relatively settled, it's actually a great time to have a baby. You're more energetic and less impacted by the physical tiredness, you can pick up a career again relatively easily afterwards - my friend chose to change directions completely, but needless to say has had a very successful second career. I look at her now, with her kids going off to uni themselves as I'm struggling along with my 5 year old, and I am ENVIOUS! .

Every younger mother I've ever met appears to cope a bit better. So go for it.

Just one thing - I'm a bit cautious about the language your'e using around your dad and grandma helping you. The baby is not just your responsibility so do make sure that your DH is pulling his weight and that you're not the only one making sacrifices.

@worriedmama1980

So is the baby due just before the end of one year, then you would take four months and come back and finish your final year? I have to say I only know one person of all the many people I know who have given birth who could have studied two weeks after their first baby. Even at four months, mine was still waking every two hours and my brain was mush, though I know a few people who had good sleepers then. Will your husband be able to take leave for those initial few weeks? Would it just be going in for exams or whole days?

I think your family probably have realistic concerns though they're probably not expressing them the best way.

However, what did you put on Facebook?Was it literally 'baby on the way!' and people piled on with comments? I have literally never seen anyone comment anything other than congratulations on a pregnancy announcement so can't believe how rude those acquaintances are being, unless it's fellow college friends saying 'oh god are you crazy what are you doing?!' In which case it's probably just them reflecting their own situation and how they would feel if they were pregnant at this stage. But they really need to have a better filter.

I was suffering from HG and I asked on Facebook if anyone else had difficult pregnancies and if they could hold my hand a little bit - honestly most people were wonderful and helped loads but they were a few people who said things like "a baby isn't a prize, don't know why anyone would do it" , "my pregnancy was horrible, you've ruined your life" etc in a private message of course, I don't think anyone would publicly comment these things although I suppose it should be mentioned the people who said this (about 4 randomers) have had their children taken off them so probably not the best to listen to, I know I'm overreacting but with some comments from family and then them I guess it just got a bit overwhelming (I'm blaming pregnancy hormones)

They sounds jealous

@TheVanguardSix That was beautifully put, and I am glad things were alright in the end

OP - I'm glad your family are offering concrete support even if they are not being emotionally supportive. Your "friends" don't sound so nice, and random people on Facebook are always pants so just block them.

I would respectfully suggest to you that the time after the baby is born, the last thing you are going to want to do, physically or emotionally, is go back to uni and do exams. If it were me, I would arrange some proper maternity leave.

And for what its worth (because the opinions of random strangers on the internet are really not worth much either way ) I think it sounds like the perfect time to have a baby.

@SpaceOP

I have a very good friend who had kids young, unlike the rest of us. Like you, she was married and settled and ready for kids before she turned 25. She had her degree already, and worked in a pretty good job for a few years, before taking time out to have the baby.

The truth is that at 25, if you're relatively settled, it's actually a great time to have a baby. You're more energetic and less impacted by the physical tiredness, you can pick up a career again relatively easily afterwards - my friend chose to change directions completely, but needless to say has had a very successful second career. I look at her now, with her kids going off to uni themselves as I'm struggling along with my 5 year old, and I am ENVIOUS! .

Every younger mother I've ever met appears to cope a bit better. So go for it.

Just one thing - I'm a bit cautious about the language your'e using around your dad and grandma helping you. The baby is not just your responsibility so do make sure that your DH is pulling his weight and that you're not the only one making sacrifices.

Sorry DH is looking after the baby but he works full time in management, if his days off are on my uni days then he'll have baby. He's more than happy to help and wants me to do well at uni and has offered to "take over" if I need to do anything for uni :) I have a lot of support really and I know I'm probably being a bit dramatic, maybe I'm concentrating on the wrong things like the negative comments instead of the positives of people wanting to help and still want me to do well etc

There seems to be quite a lot of this negativity about at the moment.

Life isn't about doing it all right, in the perfect order, at the perfect time. It is about learning. Learning to live with whatever comes, learning to accept the highs and the lows, learning to accept we are not always in control.

Raising children is a wonder-full, chaotic, roller coaster ride and the greatest adventure we can have.

Congratulations! It hasn't ruined my life at all, love being a mum.

One thing I would say though is that your plans for post-baby and uni don't sound realistic to me. I am a university lecturer, tutor and so on and I would be very supportive of any of my students having babies, and quite a few have over the years, however, it's a bit naive to think that you will be able to finish the course after having two weeks off. This may be because of the birth itself which can take it out of you/have pain/discomfort for weeks afterwards, and also mentally, because you have a tiny baby dependent on you for every waking hour (in the first days) and so you may be feeding/not really sleeping, so you are unlikely to be in tip top writing essays or doing exams shape.

Have a conversation now with your university- so perhaps start with your tutor or module convenor, or in my dep't we have a wellbeing tutor and also an accessibility service, so they would be able to sit down with you and make a plan to help you finish. If it's just a question of sending in a couple of essays online, that's relatively straightforward as you can have extensions for a month or two, or even longer, you can also defer examinations from May to August at my institution. If you are going to miss a substantial amount, then taking some official time off and/or repeating a year are all options. One of my students had a second child during her second year and she ended up repeating the third year due to patchy results- she finished with a 2:1.

So, you absolutely can finish uni, but you need to be making realistic plans right now with the uni about how you can achieve that, as finishing after two weeks off probably isn't realistic. They will want you to finish and want to support you so make the most of that!

I’m going to be honest on here but if you were my friend in real life of course I’d never say this to you. I have a 5 week old. I hate it. I wouldn’t go so far to say I completely regret it but I definitely don’t know why I made the decision to have a baby. I don’t feel much towards her at all and all this ‘rush of love’ etc never happened. I take care of her because i have to, that’s all.

I’m 30, both me and DH professionally qualified/ secure jobs, own home, settles, well off etc. Much wanted / planned and took a while to conceive.

Five weeks in was the pits for me vinoelle. It can be really rough and I felt like this quite a bit, especially with my first. It gets better - hang it there.

Hang in!

vinoelle I felt the same- in fact, I cried every day for the first month of having a baby. I felt totally overwhelmed and didn't understand why I didn't have the rush of love thing either. I felt totally underprepared and like I've ruined my life. This lasted about two months for me, and things got a lot better around 5/6months once my baby was sleeping and eating (weaning was about 5 months in those days). I also fell in love over time, like a grower rather than an instant thing. I now adore that child who is a 16 year old! It can feel in those very early days though that you have ruined your life because you have ruined your old life and little babies are hard and you need to build a new one. It's great later down the line though. If you want to post your own thread as well to get support, you'll find a lot of people know what you are talking about. Hugs to you.

@Illdealwithitinaminute

Congratulations! It hasn't ruined my life at all, love being a mum.

One thing I would say though is that your plans for post-baby and uni don't sound realistic to me. I am a university lecturer, tutor and so on and I would be very supportive of any of my students having babies, and quite a few have over the years, however, it's a bit naive to think that you will be able to finish the course after having two weeks off. This may be because of the birth itself which can take it out of you/have pain/discomfort for weeks afterwards, and also mentally, because you have a tiny baby dependent on you for every waking hour (in the first days) and so you may be feeding/not really sleeping, so you are unlikely to be in tip top writing essays or doing exams shape.

Have a conversation now with your university- so perhaps start with your tutor or module convenor, or in my dep't we have a wellbeing tutor and also an accessibility service, so they would be able to sit down with you and make a plan to help you finish. If it's just a question of sending in a couple of essays online, that's relatively straightforward as you can have extensions for a month or two, or even longer, you can also defer examinations from May to August at my institution. If you are going to miss a substantial amount, then taking some official time off and/or repeating a year are all options. One of my students had a second child during her second year and she ended up repeating the third year due to patchy results- she finished with a 2:1.

So, you absolutely can finish uni, but you need to be making realistic plans right now with the uni about how you can achieve that, as finishing after two weeks off probably isn't realistic. They will want you to finish and want to support you so make the most of that!

You're right, I think I just wanted to prove everyone wrong and finish on time. I've spoken to my personal tutor about it already but I'll speak to them about maybe moving things along - I'm in year 2 so I know it's a lot harder than year 1 but uni teachers are usually very understanding and like to work with you so I'll speak to them when I start next week and get a real plan into action