How to reduce my DD's weight

[scarecrow22]

My DD (9yo) has got quite over-weight during lockdown and the summer. I never weigh the children but she has several rolls of belly, and is starting to get the same on her back/under the arm area (if you can visualise it). I see in photos she has also lost the definition of her cheekbones.

As her parents we are ultimately responsible: I acknowledge that and take the responsibility.

Now, however, I want to do something about it. But having had a bad experience as a child I do not EVER want her to think that I have a problem with her weight, or to even let her know what I am doing is because of her. This is somewhat complicated by the fact that DS (7) is growing like topsy and permanently hungry - but he also has a very good 'off' button when he is sated, and he's more naturally active. As a result I can't see a tissue of fat on him. DD will eat everything in sight, and ask for more. We suspect (know?) she is also secret eating.

What I would hugely appreciate is advice about how to improve our family food and activity. DH and I have told the children that we eat too much sugar as a family, that it should be more of a treat, and that we need to eat more protein, carbs, fats and vitamins (not necessarily in that order!).

I cook a good range of savoury food, and DD is good at eating or trying veg, and loves fruit. I think the problem is less WHAT we cook than quantities and treats. So while I'm aware of and dealing with those issues, I'm not too proud to welcome new recipes, ideas for how to cook popular food more healthily, how to measure portion sizes, treat strategies, and how to balance DS's growth/hunger with DD's need to cut back a bit.

TIA, sincerely.

I would reframe what snacks are. Both DC are growing so tell them both that you'll be swapping quick release energy snacks (e.g. sugar) for more filling protein based snacks (like hard boiled eggs, cooked meat, low fat cheese) and have that readily available in a snack tub in the fridge.

What do you think is driving the secret eating? That's probably the main thing I would be concerned about. You say you don't weight her and don't want her to know you're worried about her weight, but if she is eating in secret she much know something - do you stop her having more? Do you explain why?

I don't have much experience to offer, but I have been wondering similar recently as I have an almost-two year old who has no 'off' switch and I struggle to know what to do about it as her centiles for weight are well above those for height. She pretty much only eats 'healthy' food, will eat most things with a strong preference for carbs: I had always assumed I'd simply offer mostly healthy choices and assume they could self-regulate but her dad is officially obese (though losing weight now) and has said he was the same as a child, just never felt full and still generally doesn't.

I want to avoid that for her but I don't really know how you teach self-regulation in that case, and the few medical professionals I've mentioned it to have said there's no need to regulate a toddler their bodies will do it for them, despite the fact that I keep reading articles saying children who are overweight at 3 are x times more likely to be obese adults.

I think in your case going from the extreme of being negative about weight to the extreme of never mentioning it is probably too far. Is there any way you can start a general conversation about health? Even in the context of coronavirus? Like, we know we now need to wash our hands, we also need to make sure we have enough vitamin c and zinc to keep our bodies strong, lets all look at what we eat and think about how to keep ourselves healthy and strong? Its really tough though, I basically ate what I wanted as a child and my weight self-regulated, but I had a friend with a severe eating disorder as a teen and it meant I've never been on a diet and am passionate about not discussing negative body images in front of children, however there's probably a space in the middle.

@HoneysuckIejasmine

I would reframe what snacks are. Both DC are growing so tell them both that you'll be swapping quick release energy snacks (e.g. sugar) for more filling protein based snacks (like hard boiled eggs, cooked meat, low fat cheese) and have that readily available in a snack tub in the fridge.

Thank you, both good ideas. I like re-framing and a snack box (so it limits their choice). Really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Can you up the exercise subtly? So maybe scooter to school or walk rather than drive (sorry if you do this already). Stop of ins playground on the way home from school for a run around, family bike ride etc. Does she eat school dinners or a packed lunch?

worriedmama1980, I share your horror of body image problems, so thank you for the empathy.
I am concerned about secret eating: I had a severe breakdown when she was in reception - she went to school one morning and came home to find no mummy for seven months while I was in psychiatric hospitals, and has endured many bad episodes since. It's only now coming out, how much she has understood about why I was in hospital and how I behaved later. I have (reluctantly) asked for her to be referred to CAMHS, but GP has warned me that she probably won't be accepted because they are so over-whelmed. She is worried her mother will, let's say, abandon her - how much more in need does she have to be? That aside, whomever they do find to try and help her, I will mention it to them.

Thank you so much for taking the trouble to reply.

If she's overweight and not obese I read that it's better to focus on preventing further gain rather than on losing, if you can get her to maintain she will grow in to the weight eventually. Can't remember where I read that but it makes sense to me! Will also help her to learn to eat to appetite and moderate her food rather than go down the slippery slope of dieting and bingeing.

@OverTheRainbow88

Can you up the exercise subtly? So maybe scooter to school or walk rather than drive (sorry if you do this already). Stop of ins playground on the way home from school for a run around, family bike ride etc. Does she eat school dinners or a packed lunch?

We walk to school but it is verrrry close! We have increased the number of other trips we make by foot and bike: I'm learning that no matter how much fuss they make at home, they are fine once we are out the door. She does swimming lessons and tennis but that is a bit more than an hour a week. The playground is a vg idea, and we need to engage with her in doing more active games etc at the weekends. DH and I are very active by. nature, but he leaves me alone with the kids most of the time and I often struggle to find motivation or energy (condition and drugs... maybe boredom too, if I'm honest!) We've discovered we all love 'beach cricket', which is huge fun.

@brookby

If she's overweight and not obese I read that it's better to focus on preventing further gain rather than on losing, if you can get her to maintain she will grow in to the weight eventually. Can't remember where I read that but it makes sense to me! Will also help her to learn to eat to appetite and moderate her food rather than go down the slippery slope of dieting and bingeing.

I hadn't thought of that , but makes sense. That is also a less over-whelming task. She is already stupidly tall (the height of an average 11yo), but I also grew v quickly at this stage, then stopped earlier than many and some overtook me!! I will research this, but not because I doubt the advice at all. Thanks for replying.

Why is he leaving you alone most of the time? If he is active he needs to make time every day to do something active with them

Don’t have sugary/fatty foods in the house

Batch bake healthy recipes

What bread do you have

I put on a lot of weight at that age when I stopped activities like swimming and roller skating. I've been obese ever since so trying to nip in it the bud now is a great idea.

The focus I think should be on being as active as possible, especially if her school is anything like DDs they are less active there now due to all the rules on moving around the classroom and shared spaces.

Would she be interested in any clubs at all, things like tennis, swimming, Cubs?

worriedmama you have prompted me to think more about this, and I will continue to. But it occurs to me that next time I find evidence I will ask her why she doesn't ask me for more food if she is hungry, and/or start a conversation about sweets, sugar (she eats sugar) and so on, and when we can enjoy them together rather than have to hide it. Does that sound like the right language. My first memory (of life) is my mum telling me I needed to go on a diet. I was probably 5 or 6. I've never got over it. That sounds silly, and others would have, but I have never felt, ever since, that anybody wanted to look at or like me, let alone love me; that I was never good enough at anything. I'm just beginning to exorcise the demons. Hopefully by the end!
Sorry you've become my shrink!! I do not need a reply :)

Quartz2208 Why does DH leave us alone so much? Because he works extremely hard, is sincerely committed to helping the people he works with, and deserves to spend much of his free time enjoying his hobbies. Or because he's a selfish FW? In fairness he does help keep the house and laundry clean, but he can listen to podcasts and sport while he's doing that. It's an ongoing battle, as is marriage on the whole. Anyway, back to topic....

Two very good ideas. If you have ideas for 'healthy' snacks to buy and things to batch bake I'd really like to hear them.

Thank you for taking the time to offer help.

Can you afford for her to private therapy/counselling? It could even be family therapy to discuss what happened and how she feels now etc?

Apparently research shows sugar and fat mixed together is the issue.

So either sugary crap or fatty crap. Also go for sugar not sweetners.

Veg sticks and hummus?

TorysSuckRevokeArticle50 Thank you for the experience. It's really helpful to know.

She does swimming and tennis, ironically, and is in Cubs (three out of three to you!). Tennis starts today, swimming when we can find a club asking (a lot) less than £500 a term , Cubs hopefully soon. I think running around in the playground, and even playdates in the park and so on will all help.

I was taught not to get a child to lose weight. They should not put any more weight on and grow into the weight they already are.

And also, my son was very overweight at primary school. I don’t know why as he ate the same as us and was more active than his siblings.
When he got to high school the hormones kicked in and the weight fell away, he is thin now.

RandomMess That is really interesting about the fat AND sugar thing - I will pursue that.

We could possibly afford private therapy if I felt able to ask family to help. DH has a lot of loan payments and I'm on benefits and scary amounts of debt, though I am finally job hunting. Maybe I should consider this more seriously. I also have a distant memory of being offered family therapy through my own MH team (I sound like a basket case, you'd never know if you met me!): it was because of my marriage, but maybe I could ask again.

Some really good points to follow up, and I might feel less impotent and failing. Thank you, so much, for taking the trouble to reply.

As a previous poster suggested, focus on keeping her weight stable rather than losing. She will slim out as she gets taller.

I know how worrying it is re. not giving girls food issues. My daughter eats a terrible and limited diet (she’s not diagnosed yet but I’m certain she’s autistic) and she’s obsessed with sugar in all forms. I’m always mindful of her getting to an unhealthy weight and I say no to her a LOT.

I like the idea of a snack box and might implement similar on weekdays. Doesn’t help that both grandmothers bombard us with chocolate and biscuits so the cupboards are always overflowing (still, there’s always the food bank I guess 🙃)

FippertyGibbett It's really helpful to have back-up for the 'grow into the weight' approach. It makes a lot of sense now it's been raised. I don't need her to be thin, I just want to send her out into the world fit and comfortable in her body. Thank you for replying.

Haworthia I'm glad I'm not alone, though I'm sorry you have to deal with this extra layer of difficulty. I hope it's resolved as well as possible.

Mumsnet needs to bring out a line of 'snack boxes' asap!

Thank you for taking the trouble to reply.

My DD put weight on during lockdown too. Lack of extra curricular clubs, snacking, boredom were all problems.
I was getting really worried and started switching meals a bit to increase the protein/reduce the carbs etc.
She now has a protein packed yoghurt with fruit for breakfast. Protein with lunch and a healthy dinner which she loves to help cook. If she needs a snack after school, she has a babybel or some fruit. Plenty of drink and we make plain popcorn for snacking in front of a film at the weekend.
She's doing 3 hours of pe at school every week now they're back which is a great help.

Since I've started addressing this, about 4 weeks, she's noticeably dropped some of her tummy podge. Which shows that a lot of it was due to too much sitting down!
Hopefully you'll see the same soon, once tennis, swimming etc restarts and she's been back to running around at school.

But it sounds as though you've been through a tough time as a family. The secret eating would bother me the most. I agree with some of the tips you've been given about re-framing snacks.

Scarecrow, you’ve already had some great advice. Where I live (not UK) 3 meals and then a snack at around 4pm is the norm. I didn’t get the hang of this for years and my overweight DD was a big grazer/no off switch/ate on autopilot. About a year ago I introduced the 4pm thing and she’s really changed her relationship with food for the better. She’s definitely not overweight now & honestly enjoys her food more.
By FAR the majority of kids here live by this and don’t expect to have a snack at any other time. I’m not sitting there with an alarm clock and a plate of veg sticks or anything! It’s a really positive thing, a bit of an event/time out and she actually thinks about what she wants - some days itshealthy stuff and other days biscuits. I’ve also lost a stone . It such a simple thing, but has made a big difference to us.
Think it’s harder in the UK though because there’s so much cheap snack food.
Re the hospital stays. Don’t beat yourself up. Doesn’t automatically mean she’ll have terrible life problems. You’re clearly a very caring person - most important bit.

I have a similar problem with my kids. The 6 year old is thin as a rail, the 5 year old is obese, apparnrtly (I got the school letter and a phone call). We try not to make a big thing of it. So far I've hugely cut portion sizes for desserts, so they have cute mini tea cups which I fill with a third of a rice pudding, lots of blueberries and a tiny squirt of spray cream. I try to make stuff look fun, eg. Chocolate sprinkles or hundreds and thousands.
I've also increased protein content, so I've looked up basically GI diet recipes to try and help him feel full. I have emphasised that we don't snack. I have asked him - not told him - to have apples rather than bananas if he's hungry. Try to avoid too much fruit particularly raisins, they are just sugar. He loves frubes, which are little yoghurt pouches. Look for snacks with under 100 calories.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't feel this is being done to him, but that he's in control of making better choices to stay healthy. We talk a lot about needing to stay strong, which is harder when you're very heavy. We also go for short walks (he has some leg defects so can't easily increase that) and he rides his bike a mile each way to and from school.

It is really difficult because he constantly complains about being hungry, and given it's been like that since he was born, I'm not sure how much difference it will make. Try not to worry too much, they pick up on that so quickly.