How to reduce my DD's weight

[scarecrow22]

My DD (9yo) has got quite over-weight during lockdown and the summer. I never weigh the children but she has several rolls of belly, and is starting to get the same on her back/under the arm area (if you can visualise it). I see in photos she has also lost the definition of her cheekbones.

As her parents we are ultimately responsible: I acknowledge that and take the responsibility.

Now, however, I want to do something about it. But having had a bad experience as a child I do not EVER want her to think that I have a problem with her weight, or to even let her know what I am doing is because of her. This is somewhat complicated by the fact that DS (7) is growing like topsy and permanently hungry - but he also has a very good 'off' button when he is sated, and he's more naturally active. As a result I can't see a tissue of fat on him. DD will eat everything in sight, and ask for more. We suspect (know?) she is also secret eating.

What I would hugely appreciate is advice about how to improve our family food and activity. DH and I have told the children that we eat too much sugar as a family, that it should be more of a treat, and that we need to eat more protein, carbs, fats and vitamins (not necessarily in that order!).

I cook a good range of savoury food, and DD is good at eating or trying veg, and loves fruit. I think the problem is less WHAT we cook than quantities and treats. So while I'm aware of and dealing with those issues, I'm not too proud to welcome new recipes, ideas for how to cook popular food more healthily, how to measure portion sizes, treat strategies, and how to balance DS's growth/hunger with DD's need to cut back a bit.

TIA, sincerely.

Gazelda Thanks for the encouragement, and more snack ideas: DD hates cheese unless it's cooked [shrug], but yogurt and fruit is a vg idea. Thank you for replying, I do appreciate it.

Have a look on www.dieticianuk.co.uk
There are good recipes for healthier snacks, perhaps she could bake them with you? That always seems to make my children more interested in eating them than if I did it alone.

I think you're thinking along the right lines, agree that the aim should be that she grows into her weight. But if you grew and went through puberty relatively early, she may do also (check with paternal grandmother as well, perhaps), so dealing with this now is a very good idea.

I grew up with no off-switch, and carbs were definitely part of my issue (still are ... need to get back on the low carb high fat bandwagon again). Maybe your daughter is old enough that you could have a discussion around feeling full, and that you'd like to figure out what she can eat that will allow her to feel that she's eaten enough and not still hungry. Then together plan a variety of meals and snacks and keep a record of when she is hungry or craving food. I'd hope that she could get some ownership of what works, and what should be kept for treats occasionally, more effectively this way.

Increasing / focussing on fat and protein should actually be good for both your children which should make it easier.

I agree that exploring whether you can get family therapy sounds a very sensible option. You've all had a tough time and deserve some support.

Maybe dont say anything and only if questioned say that you are looking to get healthier as a family? Try and make sure all meals are healthy, portions are correct (maybe buy smaller dinner plates) and save crisps and chocolates for the special occasions. And as a family make sure you are walking where possible and doing activities like games (team and board), swimming, tennis or badminton with a couple of long walks at the weekend/evenings. Also things like getting a weekly veg box and trying to new dishes (prepped and decided as family) and if your are brave growing your own. You could also say it's about saving money, the enviroment, teeth just anything that isnt weight basically! It's really lovely for you to think about this op

You could also say it's about saving money, the enviroment, teeth just anything that isnt weight basically!

I love that tip Melmos! My DD is a big worrier about the environment and hates going to the dentist, so she'd respond positively if I were to tell her we're eating local/fresh/unprocessed etc to help the planet and avoid tooth probs. Genius!

I'm not recommending Slimming World for a child, but there is one principle that may be of use - make every meal 50% veg or fruit. Load plates with veg - grate carrot into bolognese sauce, add lots of peppers, onion, tomatoes etc. Cooking then blitzing the veg up before adding to the sauce makes it really tasty as well. A kid full on veg and protein and fewer carbs may be less hungry for sweet stuff too. Just thinking about the balance on a plate, and how to do it without telling her.

It's funny how siblings can be so different. One of my dds is skinny and has never been interested in eating for the sake of it. Other one loves unhealthy snacks. She's 13 and although not overweight i can see that with her being able to go to shops before and after school she could end up putting on weight if i have too many unhealthy snacks at home too. She does get a reasonable amount of exercise though. I plan to just have less unhealthy snacks available at home

Life savers!

www.personalisedmoments.co.uk/personalised-healthy-eating-portions-plastic-plate-39572-p.asp?gclid=CjwKCAjwnef6BRAgEiwAgv8mQXIuZhovTKTrupRutw0v-54XbSKAC4ZfI1zSnbR2UYNwS0aVq21ksxoC9ysQAvD_BwE

Hunger can also be confused with thirst. Is she drinking enough water?
Plus, what is she drinking? It's really easy to consume lots of calories in drinks which are empty nutritionally
My DD is weirdly fond of ice and will quite happily get a bowl of cubes to munch while she watches TV

Which will benefit me too as I'm overweight

Hi,
I can absolutely sympathise - I could have written your post, down the the age of my DD, her secret eating, and my own similar bad experiences as a child. In fact I posted recently about low carb/low sugar ideas for the family, as we have acknowledged that far far too much sugar was being eaten.

In our case, any attempts to restrict or moderate food intake (gently, and subtly, never pointing the finger at her) have resulted in an increase in her secret eating, swapping snacks at school, sneaking to the shop with spare change, etc.

I have a theory, based on my own experiences as a child who was constantly tempted to binge, and as an adult who has overcome this, that quite simply some of us are addicted to sugar.

It's like being addicted to smoking - you just crave a fix, though you can't explain why. And a bit like smoking, you really just have to kick the habit.

This is not easy with children, where temptation is constantly in their way. But realising this has helped me at least try to direct my energy towards serving lower sugar foods. I have no idea whether this approach will work though.

Anyway I'll be following this thread with interest, as it's such a difficult and delicate issue to be facing.

Alicay When I was a kid (also abroad!) my parents had "11 o'clocksies" and "4 o'clocksies". It is a good system. We tried to introduce it over lock-down, but were erratic. Doesn't help that DH is a monster snacker (and never puts on weight [grrr], and didn't see how it worked. You have inspired me to do this again, and be firmer. When we were on it, it definitely worked to stop them asking for snacks all the time. And I preferred saying: "Yes, you can have a snack at snack time", than a blanket "no...no....no....yes," with apparently no explanation to the kids.
Thanks for replying - from wherever you are :)

I have to go now. There have been some amazing ideas and posts, and thank you all for being so supportive. I was a bit worried I'd be attacked for worrying about a 9yo's weight. I will read all these again, and definitely follow the links, when I'm back later/after bedtime/before box set! And any more posts very welcome! Thank you all.

Please don't bring her into diet culture too much - if she's eating secretly then she's using food for something.

Look at the Dove.com workshops on body confidence,
Jemima Small versus the universe
Jessica Sanders love your body

Hi
DS was overweight and the doctor said never contemplate making him lose weight. Just keep his weight where it is and let him grow into it. Good advice.

You can do this in lots of ways.
Cook at least three veg with each evening meal - boiled, steamed, or griddled/roasted in a tiny amount of oil.
Put smaller amounts of carbs on the plate.
Buy reduced fat products: half fat cheddar or cream cheese taste almost the same as the normal kind. Very very low cal mayo (about 11 cals a tablespoon) tastes pretty much the same as normal or light mayo.
Make burgers yourself from lean beef or turkey mince.
Reduce how much fat you cook with, and gradually make portion sizes smaller.
With snacks, find lower calorie versions of what she likes. If she likes popcorn, that's better than crisps. Avoid artificial flavourings that are designed to trigger food cravings.
Make sure she drinks a lot of water.
Always discuss food in terms of the good it can do us - water rehydrates and is good for your brain energy and your skin (not 'it fills you up and has no calories); or, with sweet treats, say something like: these are great for when we've been on a long bike ride/swim/hike.

Make daily exercise a non-negotiable but fun part of every day. Walk, swim, cycle, frisbee, building dens, gardening, adventure trails, trampolining etc. Doesn't have to be organised sport, though finding one she likes might be a good thing.
Look for small 'treats' that are not food, and discuss treats and rewards that are not food. I started saying things like: You swam four extra lengths today. You deserve a treat. Let's go and choose a comic or a lego figure. I started using the word treat to describe a lot of non-food items so they associated rewarding themselves with things other than food when down. Now if DS has a bad day, he has a deep bubble bath and watches comedies instead of eating his weight in chocolates. If he wants to celebrate, he buys himself (or I get him) a book, a tee shirt, some craft materials etc. I think a shift in attitude helps.

Can you stay out of the house more after school and at weekends?

I always snack more at home because I'm bored and it's available and I've noticed the same tendency in DS. If we go out for the day/morning/afternoon and do lots of hiking/playground/bike riding/puddle jumping, we don't even notice the lack of snacks. So walk in the woods (if you have any close by) or playground trip after school, then home for early dinner. At weekends, family long walk somewhere nice (with lots of hills, ideally ) for 4+ hours with a picnic and ice cream stop...DS, although he's not even 3 yet, gets such a sense of achievement when he reaches the top of a really steep hill without being carried, it's so funny ! Lots of "Yeesss, I did it!" and high fives. I'm trying my best to encourage him to enjoy challenging himself physically and being out of breath and sweaty, since that's an important part of growing up healthy and active.

Hi OP I'm having much the same issue with my DD who's just turned 10 and has gained weight out of nowhere it seems. I don't want her to end up with body issues so I won't be making a massive deal out of it, but I would like to nip it in the bud. GP advised that children shouldn't be encouraged to lose weight just not to gain more, so I'm trying to up her exercise and limit snacking. She's 5ft tall already so my worry is that she won't grow much taller now and the weight won't spread out.

I would quietly shift to no sugar, and fattier meals. Fat will fill you up and make you feel full longer (so less likely to snack/graze). So things like baked potato with lots of butter and cheese, nice fatty sausages and buttery mash, fajitas with full fat soured cream, guacamole and cheese, lasagne with fatty mince.

I'm not low-carb or keto by any means but having struggled with my weight for years I finally realised that I eat fatty things I'm far less likely to crave carbs afterwards, and my overall carb intake naturally came down (without really trying), as did my weight. It also means I don't have off limits foods or sacrifice taste and I have a much better relationship with food now. It will take a little while for the habit of snacking/grazing to pass though.

I also think that you're less likely to create any sense of stigma about her weight if you reduce sugar/snacking (bad for your teeth!) and make very hearty and tasty meals of the sort that are normally not associated with 'dieting' the norm.

The other one, is she tired? That is a real trigger for sweet stuff.

Ditch sweetners - it's in squash and diet drinks and all the low sugar stuff - much sweeter than sugar and actually increases the cravings.

I agree with upping protein and fats.

I agree with pps...try not to focus on the weight itself. I was fat shamed at a similar age by the school nurse in public and despite naturally shedding the weight during puberty it left me feeling the shame for years. If you think she is secret eating for comfort then I think focusing on positive mental wellbeing would be the priority. Maybe look out some nice books about emotions etc or there are some excellent online resources. Young Minds are excellent. Family therapy is a great suggestion if you can manage it. You sound like a lovely mum.

I was a chunky child up until the age of about 12-13, and then stayed a bit chubby until I was about 15-16. Part of the slimming down was as PPs have said, growing upwards while my weight stayed the same. So that's solid advice.

Does she do any cooking at home? I discovered a love of cookery books as a teenager and was obsessed with trying to recreate the dishes at home! (Still am ) I find that some of the prettiest dishes are some of the healthiest, lots of brightly coloured fruits and veg, or salads with sweet fruity dressings. She's obviously too young for instagram, but if you have it there's also some great recipes on there for bright, fresh "instagramable" dishes that look fun and might inspire her to get cooking up some fun super healthy dishes!

Maybe try and find some extra exercise forms that she finds fun? Definately harder at the moment but are there any other clubs that she could join? Something like boxing or martial arts where there's lots of strength training while getting super tired? Putting an emphasis on being fast and strong as opposed to weight loss?

You've got lots of great advice @scarecrow22 - I just wanted to add that you come across as an absolutely lovely person and a super mum

Hi OP!

Have you heard of the book Atomic Habits? He talks about how it is the tiny consistent habits which matter. Tiny incremental changes amount for a lot.

He talks about 'habit stacking' which is when you take something you do every day, for example, brushing teeth. You add in 2 X squats every time you brush your teeth. Great, you've done 4 extra squats per day with almost no effort. Eventually it'll become automated.

Here are some ideas you could do with your DD:

Stretch out as soon as you get out of bed by hanging over to touch your toes. Stay there for a few seconds. Feels so nice to stretch the hamstrings first thing.

Run up the stairs instead of walking

5 star jumps whilst the shower heats up/bath runs

Balancing exercises when watching TV

Stand on one leg whilst the kettle boils

Don't sit down to put on knickers, socks, shoes

Some sort of family competition when the microwave or other timer is on for a short time eg who can do the most star jumps or hop on one foot or freeze in place, throw and catch a bouncy call with your non-dominant hand

Etc, etc.

And then for food... I've read that what you eat counts more than how much activity you do.

Because I am lazy I looked into 'easy' ways to lose weight. Obviously different things are easy for different people but in case any of these chime with you:

Soft drinks are not satisfying but they add so much to daily calorie intake. Water and water only.

No sugar in tea or coffee. If fond of tea with a lot of milk try to reduce the amount

No lattes/cappuccinos etc. Filter coffee.

Instead of pre-flavoured yoghurt, plain yoghurt (with live cultures) with honey (raw honey for preference)

Frozen puddings are high in sugar as they need to be for the taste

Cinnamon balances blood sugar levels so you don't crash

Baked sweet potato as an easy dinner adds extra nutrition and interest

There is a podcast called ‘Healthy Parents equals Healthy Families’ by Heather Robertson which might be helpful. I listen to Heather’s podcast for adults called ‘Half Size Me’ (which is excellent) but she has the above one for kids which I also listened to despite not having an old enough child yet. Heather’s philosophy regarding weight loss for kids is definitely NOT about putting them on a diet, which is what was done to her as a child and she wouldn’t recommend it. It’s all about sustainable healthy habits.

*BTW the podcast I recommended in previous post is for parents to listen to, not the children themselves. Just thought I should mention that in case it was confusing!