How do people cope with more than 1 child?

[holliem91]

Serious question😂!

I've always wanted children, always wanted 2 children if i'm lucky enough maybe even 3 but since having my first I don't know how I would ever cope with more than 1!

My OH really wants more than 1 child and he's set on it but of course he's at work all day and because he's self employed the work never stops for him. He helps out a lot when he can and I am so grateful for him as he is a brilliant dad but I can't imagine how it would be with another baby. Just the thought of him being at work all day whilst I'm at home with a newborn and a toddler is terrifying. I feel like I just about have it together with my LG and to add any more to the mix right now would just be a no no! I've asked a few people close to me with more than 1 child and they always respond saying "you just cope" or "you'll have a different perspective one day" and I
honestly don't see how I will. I love my baby and she is the best thing to have ever happened to me and i'm so grateful she's in my life and I would love to have more but I don't know if I could do it.

Has anyone been in this position? Did your mindset change?

Pregnant with DD2, the thing that gets me about threads such as yours OP is people who say I can’t imagine having another and their first child is still a baby.
My first born is now 3, potty trained, feeds herself, communicates well, doesn’t use a buggy, attends nursery, no teething etc. No of course 2 won’t be “easy” but there are milestones your first can reach before you have another. Some women like smaller age gaps- not for me.

@holliem91 I'm pregnant with dc 2 but my dc 1 is 5. So like the previous poster said, fully potty trained, independent, can even help me with stuff like tidying and fetching things etc... also in school. I'm not sure what two will be like, harder I'm sure, but we waited until dc 1 was older and more independent so that it would hopefully be easier. At the very least, I'll have the time during the school day where I'll still only have one child to contend with. I wasn't interested in having a second while my first was small because I thought it would be too hard but as dc 1 got bigger and more independent, I came around the the idea and felt like I was in better position to cope with two. If give it some time and see how you feel. As your lo grows up and becomes more independent, you may well change your mind as well.

It IS very hard unless you have a network of family and friends who can help practically and emotionally. My two are both in primary school now and it is still very hard. They both want different things at the same time. It is a constant juggling act trying to get them to different activities. I feel like a referee most of the time. Don’t underestimate the financial costs of sports, music, special interests for two children. I’d stick with one child tbh.

I have a small age gap and my two are still young. They keep me active, very active. I'm constantly busy and have to have eyes in the back of my head but I now can't imagine how quiet it would be with one

I could have and probably did under a different name write your post. My first was such a difficult baby with colic, grizzly, clingy, no sleep. To me I felt I had the hardest baby in the world and did not want to ever do it again. Eventually I decided to go for it against my better judgement and even while pregnant woke up in the middle of the night with WTF are you doing thoughts. All I can say is your friends are right. The second baby was so much easier. The first got so much easier. I can’t explain why but life got easier not harder. The toddler was fascinated by the baby and I kind of knew what I was doing. Everyone had to wait their turn. Now I look back and am so thankful I did it. It is great. I would happily have more.

And just reading through the replies we had no network and a two year age gap.

I remember thinking how do people cope with one baby, before I had my own. I remember spending ages one weekend on DIY and laundry and other crap stuff and thinking ‘there is absolutely no way I could do all this AND look after a child’ but of course once you have a baby you still do all those things, just maybe in a different way or at a different time or order or with a baby in your hip but you adapt and do it.

Same with more kids.

It is hard (I had 3 under 4) and some days we didn’t get a whole lot done but you adapt slowly and then before you know it you are just coping and doing it. And I know that’s exactly what your complaint about other people was but I do see why people say it.

It is hard and there are downsides (my middle child was particularly hard done by I think in the early years) but you learn so much with your first, with second and third babies you are so much more experienced by then and that helps massively.

DC1 is 2.5, DC2 is three months. It’s incredibly hard and if I was younger I would have spaced them out some more. But as someone said to me babies close together - short term pain, long term gain.

Easily. It's the first one that you learn with and when you have more they bring each other up in my experience. I had three and the only tough part was taking them to nursery/infant school when there was a baby that needed feeding etc. I remember being very tired but it did not last.

It is difficult at times but like when you had to adapt to having one you have to adapt to two. My son was 4 when my daughter was born so quite independent but was used to having all my attention. He has been besotted with his sister from the start but at times struggled with sharing my time. My daughter is almost one now and things are much easier as she is off getting every single toy out and not being held all the time. Sometimes the need of one child will mean the other has to wait - but that's ok.

How old is your child? I thought this until DD turned 2. She was a very very difficult, upset and colicky baby.

She’s a dream now in comparison and I can’t wait to plan another. She doesn’t need constant attention and she’s got awareness now so she’s not constantly at risk of running off/ hurting herself! I know it’s all a phase and I’d like her to have someone to play with.

I couldn’t do one of those tiny age gaps though! Purely because I couldn’t deal with the logistics of it should we get another velcro baby. Plus the lack of sleep/ teething.

I’m hoping an age gap of about 3 years will work well. I’ve had some lovely time with DD and I’ll feel more mentally prepared for dealing with a baby again.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers and @Aria2015 yes you both raise good points about my LG still being a baby and whilst it may be true that once she becomes more independent and you slowly start to regain more structure in life, it'll become easier, but I can't help but think, will I want to start from the very beginning again? All the sleepless nights, the teething, the potty training etc. I know there are the good points about parenting too and it's so easy to focus on the challenging times but they are what consume my thoughts right now when I think of having a second baby. Once my LG has outgrown all of that, will I not be glad the hardest part is over? So to then go back and do it all over again is a daunting thought.

You never realise how lonely it is being a FTM until you're in that position and although I do have an amazing support system around me (friends and family of course) it's still a really challenging time. I had my LG back in March and I don't think covid has helped me when it comes to my perspective on having a second baby and perhaps by the time she is a little older and (fingers crossed) all this has passed I will be all for it! I hope I will. I want to give my LG a sibling, I had that growing up and I loved having my brothers and sisters around me.

I never gave it a second thought when people had more than 1 child. Now I have one myself, I really do think very highly of those with multiple children. I look at them at the park and just admire them and think they're smashing it! All the while I'm there not even having brushed my hair that day😂

Don’t think it’s the hard stuff with the newborn you’ll worry about - more the constant guilt of neglecting the older one who vocalises the need for attention. But in the end, of course both will be glad to have a sibling!

@Lightsmother that is a very good quote! I do want more children, when I think long and hard about it, although it terrifies me, I do think to myself "I can't see me stopping at one" and then I go on and ask myself, do I have my second sooner rather than later and probably definitely struggle but in the long run it will be worth it, or do I wait until my DD is 4/5 and have my second but then have to go through all the sleep deprivation and everything else all over again.

It's funny, just seeing my LG smile makes everything worth it - the greasy hair, the bags under my eyes for a start. But, it's hard. I know that no one ever said it was easy but you just don't realise until you have one of your own do you...

Give yourself chance to find your feet enough to enjoy this one first! Having a baby in lockdown is not a normal experience, in another 6 months you may well feel differently.

I have a pretty small age gap (less than 2 yrs) but for me I wouldn't even entertain the idea of getting pregnant until the first could walk.

@Strawberrywaffles she's nearly 6 months so still a while to go yet before she gains any independence - which is fine at the minute as it's just her and I have the time to focus on just her but with 2 in tow, it's a terrifying thought. Haha, velcro baby! That made me laugh

I'll give it some time and I'm sure I'll think differently when DD is a little older. Well, hopefully

Hardest age is between 8 months and 2 years. After your DC turns 2, it becomes easier and that's why parents start thinking about another, thus, creating most popular age gap between siblings, 3 years.
If you want another, just go for it! You will cope, everyone just do. My concern was that I will not be able to love DC2 as much I loved my DC1, but love just expanded and grew ❤️

I’ve got 3, the younger two have just over a year between them.

Tbh I spent most of the baby years just thinking, if I just get through this morning I’ll be fine. And then, if I just get through this afternoon, I’ll be fine. Get through bedtime and I’ll be fine.

And I was fine. But I don’t remember a lot of that time.

It's wonderful. Really. For me at least. The love they share/create is the sweetest thing in my life and they teach each other so much. Personally I find two more fun & easier than one. Age gap of 5 years though.

@holliem91 yeah the thought of starting over is daunting (eek!) but also quite exciting. It's great that my lo is more independent now but I also pine for and miss the days when he was more dependent on me too so I'm quite looking forward to having a little one again, even though I know they'll be tough bits too! Also, 5 years has honestly flown by so I know that even though I'll be going back to the beginning again, it will no doubt fly by again!

If you don’t have support you spread the babies out. Mine are two years apart and without great childcare and family it would have destroyed me. Assuming your age allows don’t start TTC until your oldest is 3.

Mine are 2 years apart, now 13 and 16. I can't imagine only have 1 child. I can't really remember only having 1. Well obviously I can remember it, I just don't remember it being any easier.
They go through phases of being best friends then worst enemies. These days I tell them if they aren't going to get on they can fight to the death as long as its done quietly

I had 2 under 2 for a while.
At first it was fine. Easy peasy, certainly easier than being heavily pregnant with a toddler. I just strapped the newborn to me and kind of got on with things. On the occasional day we didn't have the toddler, it genuinely felt like a day off with just a baby. Because by the time you've got round to your second, you've learned so much, and your tiny baby becomes a mobile baby, followed by a demanding toddler, and a tiny baby really seems pretty fine in comparison.

Then you get a mobile baby and a toddler, and then two toddlers, and yeah, that's hard, super hard at times, but by then you are better at juggling the two. I'm now at young toddler (16m) and pre-schooler, and it's starting to get slightly easier again, aside from my toddler being a worse sleeper now than a newborn.

You get used it it, you get more efficient, your standards drop, and you get better at multitasking, is basically what happens.

It's hard work and busy. I managed ok on mat leave with the oldest at nursery 3 days per week, but overall I felt a lot busier and had fewer quiet moments to myself.

Going back to work when DC2 was 1 was way more difficult than I anticipated. DC2 got ill all the time and DC1 had a hard time settling into school. Plus the demands of work and looking after the children, it was pretty rough.

Now they are 6 and 3 (almost). Still busy and not enough time to myself, but equally I'm not in survival mode anymore!

That’s why we stopped at one child only!
My LG is 3 now and seriously only now things have gotten better. Either that or we have just accepted this to be our life. She was and still is a very strong willed child who really demanded all our time/effort so having any more children would have finished us off!
Just take your time. Don’t pressure yourself. Once you get used to your new life you can, if you wish, have another one x And if you don’t wish for another, that’s equally ok.