How do people cope with more than 1 child?

[holliem91]

Serious question😂!

I've always wanted children, always wanted 2 children if i'm lucky enough maybe even 3 but since having my first I don't know how I would ever cope with more than 1!

My OH really wants more than 1 child and he's set on it but of course he's at work all day and because he's self employed the work never stops for him. He helps out a lot when he can and I am so grateful for him as he is a brilliant dad but I can't imagine how it would be with another baby. Just the thought of him being at work all day whilst I'm at home with a newborn and a toddler is terrifying. I feel like I just about have it together with my LG and to add any more to the mix right now would just be a no no! I've asked a few people close to me with more than 1 child and they always respond saying "you just cope" or "you'll have a different perspective one day" and I
honestly don't see how I will. I love my baby and she is the best thing to have ever happened to me and i'm so grateful she's in my life and I would love to have more but I don't know if I could do it.

Has anyone been in this position? Did your mindset change?

I think I was so surprised at how easy my second was. You know how to do it and have made all those breast/bottle, etc etc decisions. I think Covid must make it all very much harder but really I loved the whole thing. Do the things you live doing with her and she will love them too.

I had my first 2DC 14 months apart, and then a 3 year gap, and the second 2DC are 19 months apart.
We are 1,000 miles from our family and friends, and I had no help, so I became a SAHM for 6 years. DH is a fabulous hands on dad.

It is getting easier now, DC4 is 5 and DC1 is 11. I really love having a little tribe. They all take care of each other and lock down has been really good as they all get along and entertain each other.

Dd2 was so much easier. Dd1 was 5 so fairly independent and super helpful.

Even now at 9 dd1 helps dd2 a lot.

I've actually felt a bit sorry for dd1's friends who are only DC, during this pandemic. They have all wanted to FaceTime regularly but between school work and playing with dd2, dd1 hasn't really been interested.

You use the word "terrifying" quite a lot OP. Having more than one child isn't terrifying. It can be demanding and exhausting, exciting and wonderful, boring and joyful and everything in between, but that is the reality of being a parent.

As your baby grows up, you also mature as a parent. You learn where the shortcuts are, learn to read situations better and learn to handle stuff better. The "newness" wears off and your confidence increases.

And babies don't stay little for long, before you know it they are insisting they can put their own coats on and are loudly using the word "NO" 500 times a day. That's when you start getting broody for a little snuggly newborn that you can dote on again...

Pregnant with Dd 2 here also, in third trimester. I have a 3yo. Husband was v keen on 2; I'm an only child and would have been happy to stop.
I have no idea how people cope and I feel stressed about it. Toddler going through a difficult phase and still not fully potty trained despite starting in February before I even knew I was pregnant. Sigh.
Having said that, I'm now very bonded to the little wriggler within and excited to meet her.
Following this thread.

It's hard, ducking hard. 🤣 I've got two in nappies and push chairs!!

But I hope the nappy days are over quick and I can entertain the kids easily as they will want the same entertainment rather than two different things to entertainment so for example at a therms park same areas not one wanting the big rides and one wanting the kids are where we need platform shoes to make sure we have a good day out

My toddler is not long two and still in nappies - surely that makes it easier?! I’m dreading her being potty trained because then when I’m mid feeding the newborn or something and she tells me she needs the toilet 😬 whereas with nappies it isn’t as time critical when you change them?

OP in terms of having two, I feel like you in terms of having gone back to sleepless nights but I decided it was worth it. Parenting them both in the day is a case of accepting that sometimes one of them will have to cry/wait. With one baby I attended to her every need immediately, because I could! But now, I only have one pair of hands and it isn’t realistic to think I can do the same with two. Now I’ve accepted that, it’s much easier. It’s hard but it’s worth it, if you decide it’s what you want to do.

In at the other side and mine are in school. I had two within a year and 7 weeks. We had no support from parents and have not had as much as a night away without them. That said I have a professional job (went back to work when first baby was six months) and cope fine.
It's not double the work. Now mine play together. The eldest reads the story to the youngest. They don't look to me for entertainment. Some of my friends have four and that would be way too much for me.

You just carry on with life if you have more than one child, It is not something to be deliberating on. I had no help from anyone when my two children were small, as parents and in laws lived further away from us. When my son was 3 and a half, my daughter was born, Then a week after she was one year old, we left the UK, and went to live in the USA for three years, so I was mostly on my own then, as my Husband had a demanding job over there.

Following this thread as thinking the same thing. That being said my LO is only 2 months old so a while to go yet!

I had a 14 month age gap. Very little support (including from DP due to circumstances) so was left on my own with them 24 hours a day 7 days a week other than the odd hour here and there.

It was really hard and to be perfectly honest, although I got through it I suspect I have some lasting PND / very mild PTSD from it. DC2 was a Velcro baby and still wakes up through the night now.

But they are now 2 and 3.5 years old and although they have their moments it's much easier. They both have enough speech to chat to each other and also tell me what they want. They play with each other rather than needing me for entertainment. When they wake up in the morning they call for each other rather than mummy and I often find them looking at books with each other.

They grow up really fast.

I’m dreading her being potty trained because then when I’m mid feeding the newborn or something and she tells me she needs the toilet 😬*
*
Honestly, you just get used to either taking them to the potty while still feeding, unlatching the baby and them fussing while you sort out the toddler or the toddler going to the potty themselves. It is a juggle, and you can't always keep everyone happy and meet their needs instantly in the way you can with just one, but to me that's part of what's good about having more than one- they learn that they sometimes have to wait, or share.

Plus, there is nothing more adorable than watching their relationship develop. I love listening in to my youngest 2 chatting to each other when they don't think we are around!

It is tough at times and having a baby and toddler is relentless but mind are now 3 and 5 and they're playing with each other this morning (and it hasn't ended in tears yet) and they're the best of friends.

I have three under 7. The first years were utter hell. Now it's awesome.

@straysocks I am so glad the 5 year age gap worked out for you! I am pregnant with my second and so worried how my DD will adapt as she will be 5 when this one comes along.

I feel exactly the same as you OP. My daughter is 21 months so nearly at the stage people say it might be easy enough for my mind to go towards having another, but I just can't imagine wanting to start again with all the sleepless nights. Maybe it's because I really struggled with that part of it, lots of people seem to cope quite well with very little sleep but that's not me.

I feel constantly torn because I kind of want to have two, and feel like if I did, I'd want them to be close enough in age to be natural playmates, and that window is already slipping away. Some days I feel that way, and others I feel like if I had two children that would be the final nail in the coffin for me and my partner ever having any time for ourselves or each other, and I value those things, so perhaps I shouldn't have two at all. I've always thought that I shouldn't try for a baby if I have doubts about it, but the feeling of being conflicted has yet to go away.

Totally agree with previous posters. When my baby was a baby I couldn't see how you could possibly make it work! Now she's almost 3, potty trained, great at talking, nursery etc I'm expecting number 2. I'm still a bit anxious about going from 1-2 but it definitely seems possible now!!

How do you cope:

people are usually more efficient when they do a job they've practised before

you know the ropes re HV, doctors' appointments, how equipment works, probably have all relevant phone numbers by heart- so very little time is spent accessing new information

with experience it gets easier to distinguish between jobs-that-absolutely-have-to-be-done-this-minute and jobs that don't

having an older child who has to get to nursery or school or the doctor is wonderful for focusing your mind on which jobs are immediately necessary

with their second child you've often got better access to support groups, you've made friends with other mums who are in the same situation at approximately the same time

with the second, you tend to be less nervous- so also a little more ruthless (yes, I can hear that baby's grizzling but just at the moment he's safe in his cot so I'm dealing with big brother on the potty)

at times, having two can actually save you time, with one sibling keeping the other occupied and amused
(have a lovely photo of dd- 4 at the time and a very anxious child- curled up next to her sleeping brother, evidently seeking comfort in his reassuring presence)

Does all this mean you have to opt for that extra (if more efficient) work?

Of course not. "This is the right level of work for me" is perfectly fine.

I'm heavily pregnant with DC2, DC1 will be 23 months.
I am absolutely terrified. We had trouble conceiving DC1 so felt like we should take every opportunity we could to become pregnant again and it happened a lot more quickly than the first time!
I have no support network and no antenatal groups to meet people about to give birth because of lockdown.
First baby was hard work, upended our world which has just about settled.
I have no idea how I am going to cope with newborn or not being able to interact with DC1 how I have been.
I'll be having a c section and we've got a dog that needs walking, don't know how j am going to cope with all three out of the house! DH works long hours.
I can feel the time running out with our family of three just as it is and don't know how to be taking note of it, do I need to mark it or appreciate it somehow because soon our lives will never be the same again?
It's just like listening to the ticking of a bomb to go off. I am absolutely petrified.

If you had her back in March that must mean she's only 5 months old! That was by far my hardest age and I contemplated only having one back then. Now, 9 months is great! However, if you really don't want to do it all again then maybe you don't! And that's OK. 🤷‍♀️ What's your work situation like? There's no need to plan forever now is there?

It's not that bad! If it was so awful there wouldn't be families of 3+ children. Time passes so quickly when they are growing. Just wait until they start driving now that really is terrifying and for me it was the most difficult phase. Babies and toddlers don't stay that way for long.

@Broomfondle your post resonated with me so much. I have a now 6 month old and a slightly bigger (by 3 months) age gap but I felt like I was about to shatter this lovely life we had built with another baby.

The first weeks are hard the hormone highs and lows, navigating feeding with a toddler, DD decided to potty train when the baby was 10 days old 🥴.

Honestly 6 months in it’s wonderful. They already interact so much, baby is sleeping through (I had low expectations as DD was dreadful sleeper!). Nothing seems as much of a big deal. Weaning has started and I feel no stress like I did with my first. You do know what you’re doing so much more.

Also in terms of groups- ours have restated where we are and I went to baby sensory with DC2 and I bloody hated it I remembered how cringe and naff those classes are and just wished I was at home playing with the baby and watching day time TV with DD was at nursery and then all pottering for a walk together when she was finished. I’m looking forward to toddler groups as it’s great for them To let off steam but baby groups I can happily leave!

OP you just do it. I remember in the first few weeks DH back at work and seeing other mums of two in the park. I was a wreck struggling BF, throes of PND, trying to keep it together. Last week the three of us had a picnic in the park both kids were laughing together and I suddenly realised I must look like one of those mums of two who can actually do it (it’s all lies ).

Don’t panic. A sibling is the most wonderful thing you can give your child. And the baby stage is so short!!

Well I wouldn't be having a second with someone who thinks 'helping' out when they can is parenting because they have an oh so important job. My workaholic ex was like this and I stuck to one and very glad I did too since I ended up raising him alone. If he's like this now and you end up solo parenting 2 within a relationship resentment will set in as you make all the sacrifices.

I could have written this post ! In fact I actually had to do a double check on the name of the author as I didn't remember writing up a post on this topic on Mumsnet but thought perhaps I had written one up and forgotten about it !
This actually makes me feel so nice to know I'm not alone in thinking this - if we had another I too think I would prefer to wait until my daughter was school age so I would be able to dedicate time in the day to the baby - BUT then I also think would I really want to go back to the start again !!
I couldn't imagine having a baby and a toddler - the thought of that literally terrifies me. People say it's good to have them close in age so they are friends , and also I've heard some people want that so that they get the "hard years out of the way" - but that makes me worry that I wouldn't just want to be getting those years out of the way- I would want to enjoy them ?! Gah! Who know?! I hope I too change my mind one day and have a second