If you could give advice to someone one year before starting a family...

[Rubiikk]

Hi everyone.

This is my first post. I'm going to enjoy the process of writing out a bit of info here as I've waited a while, but TLDR: In one year my partner and I will be starting to try for a family as we get married in one years time. What advice would you give to someone one year ahead of trying - whether its pregnancy related or parenting related, i'd love the advice!

For the longer version because i'm excited about it and can't openly talk about it with family (because we are a private couple and want to announce it as a surprise rather than telling everyone our plans):

I'm 29. This is my second marriage. After spending almost a decade with the wrong person I realised that I was in love with my best friend. I spent my life from the age of 16 to now wanting to start a family, but i've been responsible, held off, worked to develop a business and found that this was absolutely the right choice.
Almost 4 years ago I left my ex husband for my best friend, who is now my fiance. We are getting married in 1 years time and we have always said we would start trying a month or so before the wedding. So I have one year. One year to get as much as I can in order, and prepare myself mentally and emotionally for pregnancy and parenthood.
We're sure of a lot of things. We want 4 kids, we have their names and know what values we want to teach them. We are working on our financial stability and are doing ok. We know where we want to live, how we want to live and what we want to achieve. I have travelled, lived abroad, experienced everything you could wish to prior to parenthood so don't feel like I need to 'enjoy my life being free' anymore.

So tell me. What advice do you wish you had recieved, or would give to me or yourself or anyone one year prior to trying.

Save save save. Watch all the films you wanted to see. Read some books about baby and toddler development.

I would also suggest very strongly seeing how things go with your first baby before you decide on 3 more.

Again I would reiterate the advice to save as much money as you can!
I would also hold off on trying until after the wedding as it may happen quickly and you may end up unwell or worst case miscarrying on your wedding day (it happened to a friend of mine).

Make sure you have savings. While people can and do have babies without a penny to their names don’t let people put you off planning your finances - you will be so much happier and relaxed when you don’t need to worry about money and can enjoy maximum mat leave.

Sleep. Enjoy naps, lying in, and late nights. Go to the cinema and restaurants. Have a small bag that you take out with you.

Get lots of beauty appointments if that's your thing. Nails, massages etc.

Nurture your relationship. Do not sacrifice everything for the kids, especially all the time you and your partner spend together without distractions. A happy pair of loving parents is the best route to happy, well balanced, considerate children.

To savour every moment as a couple as much as you can. Once the first baby comes, guilt/worry free time alone will be a myth for the first year or two.

Prepare for the actual baby not just childbirth. Look into problems that can occur with things like breastfeeding, sleep, etc. as you'll be able to problem solve/accept things much quicker if you're clued up beforehand.

Save. Do any household DIY you can. Get as fit as you can. Enjoy sleep!

Don't have any set ideas - babies do not care for your plans.

Save as much as you can. Enjoy being able to just go out without half a house worth of stuff. Enjoy the quiet. Have loads of sex - fun sex, not "I'm ovulating so we need to shag" or "she's asleep, quick before she wakes up, ignore the sick on my jumper" sex.

@OrangeGinLemonFanta I knew that would be one of the first comments . I have thought about it for a long time and we're both sets of 4 siblings so I think it feels natural. It might turn out though that one is enough, but I'm planning as though I'm having four!

Learn to pick your battles and go with the flow some of the time. This goes for everything from letting unsolicited advice flow over you, allowing comparissons with perfect Penny to amuse rather than intimidate you right down to not nit picking when tired over who's turn it is to wash up so long as you find a reasonable balance of tasks.

This can be learnt with practice. Better to practice with things like the wedding arrangements rather than if tired and hormonal pre/ post baby.

None of us get it all right. NONE. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Don't set yourself up for a permanent guilt trip.

Be VERY open minded how things will go. Good luck :)

Make sure your relationship is as rock solid as it can be and you've worked on any issues with wider family (if there are tensions with your parents or his, these can get a lot worse when you get pregnant and have children).

Discuss expectations for maternity / paternity / parental leave (how long do each of you want to take?) and childcare - does one of you want to be a SAHP, do one or both of you want to go part time if you can, if you will both be working do you have strong feelings about using nanny / childminder / nursery and/or asking grandparents to do some childcare?

In fact do you have strong feelings about anything in particular when it comes to bringing up children eg religion, education, etc?

Practically speaking, get your home in order as much as possible - is your current home where you want to have children, if not move now, if you want to stay, think about whether you want/need to do any work to it and if possible do it now. Have a massive declutter (Marie Kondo or another method), I wish we had done this before DC!

Prioritise your own physical and mental health, do whatever exercise you enjoy to keep fit, but ideally include something that strengthens your core, this should mean you cope physically with pregnancy and childbirth (but don't worry too much about this one as you will still cope either way, it's just easier if you're fitter and stronger!)

Oh and last but most definitely not least: have at least one holiday abroad, the kind of holiday where you can do all your favourite things (whether that's sightseeing, relaxing, eating out, water sports or any or all of the above!) without having to worry about anyone else! Holidays with kids are most definitely not the same!

Talk about how you’re going to share care, what your expectations are, what his expectations are, how you’ll split doing childcare pick ups, how you’ll split taking time off when children are ill.
Also get into good physical shape, I’d been going to the gym 4 times a week before having DD and I do feel like it helped during pregnancy and after.

If there’s an amazing holiday you want to do (Covid permitting) do it.

Go to great restaurants and bars.
Go to the cinema.
Sleep and have lie ins.
Declutter!

Find out what childcare costs in your area abd plan for that.

So many posts on here from pregnant women shocked at how much they will need to spend

Make sure that you have a strong relationship with DP and good family and friends around you to help and offer support

Make sure that you have a fair division of housework between you and that this will continue to be the case once children arrive. Discuss between the two of you now what you expect and want from each other regarding work, child care etc. Have an open mind. Be prepared for it to be the hardest thing you will probably ever do.

DH and I are both one of four. Not a fucks chance in hell we were ever having four.

@BullshitVivienne the naps are going to be the biggest loss for sure. I love a nap!

@GetThatHelmetOn Agreed - we have a really solid relationship, we communicate well and know the importance of time together but this is unknown territory. My biggest fear is the relationship taking a back seat.

@Footlooseandfancy writes down have fun sex

Also I meant to add, also discuss general expectations for division of labour in terms of childcare and housework. If you are sharing fairly now that bodes well. But if you're already doing more housework now, beware!

With childcare responsibilities, it's things like night wakings - will he expect you to do them all because you're on maternity leave and he's working? - and if you're both working, will you share childcare drop offs and pick ups, and what happens if childcare falls through (because child is too ill for nursery, or childminder is ill, or covid!!) will you take it in turns to take time off work or will he expect you to do it all because your job is lower paid / more flexible / he has a Very Important Meeting?

This might seem like a lot of detail before you even start TTC but I think it's important to talk about it and get a sense of his attitude to these things. I read so many mumsnet threads by women feeling frustrated and resentful about things like this, and having to deal with all the night wakings and/or putting their careers on the back seat, etc.

Of course if you want to be a SAHM and he is happy with that, career won't be an issue, but you'll need to talk about managing finances and financial decisions (in fact it would be wise to discuss that too, whether SAHP or not, because maternity/parental leave will affect finances too).

Don’t always put yourself last. This is your life too and you don’t need to sacrifice everything. Keep your own interests alive. Go to places you want to see and do the things you want to do. Having kids doesn’t imprison you. You’re still free.
Let your dcs see your passions and you can share them with them.

Be mindful that you’re probably going to want to kill each other at least a few times with a newborn. Lack of sleep, worry, no time for each other and a demanding tiny human add up to lots of tension.

You will both parent differently, neither way is right or wrong.

Don’t get caught up in a mad world of timing naps, feeds, sleeps to the minute, just go with the flow. Sometimes babies sleep and eat, sometimes they don't, there’s no rhyme or reason to it!

Make sure you both know what is expected of you regarding work, childcare, housework, savings, finances, wills, life insurance etc etc.

Agree finances - if one of you is going part time and if that means they pay less into a joint pot for bills. Or if child care expenses are covered by both.

Agree housework roles and how often stuff will be cleaned. Who does laundry and what that entails (is it just putting things in the machine or include drying, ironing and putting away?)

Agree what you will put up with - if you decide on breastfeeding will you do it even if the mum is finding it hard and getting no respite? It can be hard if one partner is resolute and will not compromise. Same with sleep training, feeding and everything else.

@Fatted

Make sure that you have a fair division of housework between you and that this will continue to be the case once children arrive. Discuss between the two of you now what you expect and want from each other regarding work, child care etc. Have an open mind. Be prepared for it to be the hardest thing you will probably ever do.

DH and I are both one of four. Not a fucks chance in hell we were ever having four.

@Fatted crying

Yeah I think we will see how it goes with one, but I'm preparing for four. I also want 4 goats and 6 dogs... so... we'll see..

Expected of you both that should say - not just you personally!!

My advice would be to only start trying once u are married, rather than a month or so before. I got pregnant immediately at a similar age to u and the first trimester can be tough. We started trying 'a month or so' before moving into our first home and we were shocked when we discovered the news! I spent the entire first trimester absolutely shattered, hormonal and permanently hungry. I'd hate to feel that way on my wedding day and it's not worth the risk imo! Also while I was lucky to not get morning sickness at all, I do have 2 friends who got it from day 1 and sadly miscarriages aren't rare.

It's up to u of course but in your shoes I really would wait just in case.