If you could give advice to someone one year before starting a family...

[Rubiikk]

Hi everyone.

This is my first post. I'm going to enjoy the process of writing out a bit of info here as I've waited a while, but TLDR: In one year my partner and I will be starting to try for a family as we get married in one years time. What advice would you give to someone one year ahead of trying - whether its pregnancy related or parenting related, i'd love the advice!

For the longer version because i'm excited about it and can't openly talk about it with family (because we are a private couple and want to announce it as a surprise rather than telling everyone our plans):

I'm 29. This is my second marriage. After spending almost a decade with the wrong person I realised that I was in love with my best friend. I spent my life from the age of 16 to now wanting to start a family, but i've been responsible, held off, worked to develop a business and found that this was absolutely the right choice.
Almost 4 years ago I left my ex husband for my best friend, who is now my fiance. We are getting married in 1 years time and we have always said we would start trying a month or so before the wedding. So I have one year. One year to get as much as I can in order, and prepare myself mentally and emotionally for pregnancy and parenthood.
We're sure of a lot of things. We want 4 kids, we have their names and know what values we want to teach them. We are working on our financial stability and are doing ok. We know where we want to live, how we want to live and what we want to achieve. I have travelled, lived abroad, experienced everything you could wish to prior to parenthood so don't feel like I need to 'enjoy my life being free' anymore.

So tell me. What advice do you wish you had recieved, or would give to me or yourself or anyone one year prior to trying.

Oh and plan things like childcare as nursery's can be expensive xx

@RedRumTheHorse We're looking at moving at the beginning of next year to a different area of the UK and will try to remember this - i want the kids to be friends with the neighbours as well so i think its important, but not something I would have thought to develop early on!
Thanks :)

Googled Cook Islands and am now on flightscanner!

[quote Rubiikk]@AnotherEmma
Im just really sensitive about it, plus previous abuse that ive never really dealt with.
And the pain.
Its a really uncomfortable area for me, but I know its best for the baby.

That's the only part that I'm really uncomfortable with, everything else I think I will just take on as it needs to be done.[/quote]
I'm sorry you experienced abuse in the past
With that in mind, I think the most valuable thing you can do before TTC is to get some really good therapy. The physical and emotional experience of becoming a mother can bring up lots of memories and feelings and can be a real challenge.
You absolutely don't have to breastfeed if it is triggering for you, formula feeding is absolutely good enough for baby.
Equally, if when the time comes you want to try breastfeeding and have the right support to do so, you might find it's a positive experience that helps you feel you have reclaimed your body.
Either way there is no right or wrong

Don’t get overly anxious about routines or reaching milestones, make things comfortable and easy for yourself and your baby.

We did a pre-marriage course which was excellent and covered loads of issues that we hadn’t really thought to discuss, even though we thought we were pretty well prepared.

One of the best bits of advice was “if you want to live on one income when you have kids then start that now”. That way it isn’t such a shock and you have more savings.

Another vote for finding local friends. It’s easier when you’re not sleep deprived and then people are excited about the baby. Community groups, neighbours, churches, using local shops. We also moved to a new area when pregnant and I really valued having local friends (especially with older kids) rather than just baby group mums and people in our old town.

@AnotherEmma
Thank you.
I feel that I don't want to associate any of that with this amazing process of feeding my child. Perhaps I do need to work through it prior - thank you. I think this is probably the most important piece of advice I could have received from the thread, and wasn't something I would have ever considered.

You haven't said whether the abuse was in childhood or in adulthood (and please don't feel you have to discuss that here), but if it was in childhood then you might find Napac helpful and also the book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. Anyway it's probably a topic for a whole other thread but just thought I would mention those two things in case helpful x

Breastfeeding isn't painful generally, it can be if you have issues but if you start researching early on and learning about it it's less likely that any issues you do have will be prolonged, because you'll be able to recognise whether it's not right and seek support.

But also, if you don't want to breastfeed, then don't! Sorry, I made a silly assumption that you would want to. It's totally OK not to.

I'll just add one more because it's my pet subject - car seats are worth investing in. You don't necessarily need the top of the range most expensive one, but do your research, they don't all pass the same safety tests, it is worth choosing a decent brand and I would recommend going to an independent shop over a chain for advice about them. The staff tend to be more involved in the business and hence the training from the brand reps. And never buy one from a supermarket. It acts as your child's seatbelt in a crash so it's worth making sure you're using it right and have bought the right one for your car :)

Wow! Good question!

Light hearted answers:

Set alarms to go off every 2 hours through the night to see how you both cope with sleep deprivation

Teach yourself to enjoy hot dinners and drinks gone cold

Learn how to shower & pee REALLY fast!

More serious answers:

Totally agree with pps that what's essential is a father who IS a father - not just a man who lives in the same house but expects you to do the majority of housework and child care - what's he like on his BAD days? When he's tired/low level sick? Because that's your best indicator really

Ensure your physical and mental health is as good as possible - I include in that weaning yourself off caffeine. It is not a compatible substance with healthy pregnancy and if you are (as I was) a big addict it takes time to wean yourself off. I foolishly went "cold turkey" and felt VERY ill as a result and didn't realise that was why, luckily dr had seen it before and recognised symptoms.

Save as much money as possible, it'll get you used to being on a smaller budget generally and also provide a buffer

Declutter! Babies need a lot of "stuff" if you have a home full of clutter it's easier to Declutter pre baby than after

Agree with pp re not setting your heart on a large family until you've had your first. Any number of things can happen which mean you need to rethink that. I wanted a large family too, unfortunately I have endo and suffered 2 mc, dds pregnancy was not straightforward and the birth bad for us both as it turns out I have a condition which meant I couldn't risk any more dc. I really hope you don't go through ANY problems but you could. Take it one dc at a time. You don't really know how you'll cope as a mother either until you ARE one - I was a nanny prior to being a mother, still didn't prepare me for the reality, nannies generally aren't also dealing with sleep deprivation, the stresses it puts on a relationship, breastfeeding... BUT I got pregnant quickly every time! 1 - on pill 2 & 3 each took less than 2 months even with endo

I also agree with waiting until AFTER wedding day - you've no idea how you'll be with pregnancy do you really want to be dealing with a wedding AND all day long morning sickness? First trimester exhaustion? The honeymoon is plenty early enough. Also weddings can be incredibly stressful and that can place risks on a pregnancy too.

I think given your health issues it would be foolish to be honest to ttc before the wedding

I'm very pro bf BUT not if it's not right for you - for whatever reason! I just think women should have more support to successfully bf if they want to which I feel is seriously lacking in this country unfortunately.

Look after your relationship when you have a child. Don't push your partner away.

Ensure your relationship is rock solid and that you will both be there for each other and able to discuss anything. I'm hoping he's a nice man that considers you and your feelings and helps round the house etc and you with him!
Finances! Get the finances in order and save save save! Home and job stability. Look into maternity leave and how long you would want off etc and how you both will manage childcare when baby is here.

I know you have said about if you can't have children.. 100% adopt. This is a situation where your relationship definitely needs to be rock solid. We struggled with unexplained infertility and had failed IVF. We're lucky to have our daughter now but going through that was the hardest thing we've ever had to do! It was much harder than our first year of parenting!

Enjoy yourselves and look after each other! 😊😊

Agree on your parenting strategy for any future kids.

Agreed - we have a really solid relationship, we communicate well and know the importance of time together but this is unknown territory. My biggest fear is the relationship taking a back seat.

We managed well by keeping a routine (we also were lucky enough to get a baby that preferred a routine). He used to go to sleep at 7 so we had time to catch up with each other, have friends around to come for dinner, etc.

Oh and once the baby starts crawling ensure you sleep as much as the baby does. You need to be rested in order to cope with the day.

Hide £20 notes in your jacket pockets and handbags. They will be like little presents to yourself when you find them when you are on maternity leave and broke

Get your house sorted out (if need be). Have some lovely holidays/time together. It will never be the same again!
I really wouldn't start trying before the wedding, many people feel sick and so tired from the get go.
I would also plan that you both go part time after mat leave or you may become secondary in your earning/career which is all too often the case.
You sound very giddy and I bet most of this advice will fall on deaf ears (as it did with mine!)
Wishing you both a happy future!