If you could give advice to someone one year before starting a family...

[Rubiikk]

Hi everyone.

This is my first post. I'm going to enjoy the process of writing out a bit of info here as I've waited a while, but TLDR: In one year my partner and I will be starting to try for a family as we get married in one years time. What advice would you give to someone one year ahead of trying - whether its pregnancy related or parenting related, i'd love the advice!

For the longer version because i'm excited about it and can't openly talk about it with family (because we are a private couple and want to announce it as a surprise rather than telling everyone our plans):

I'm 29. This is my second marriage. After spending almost a decade with the wrong person I realised that I was in love with my best friend. I spent my life from the age of 16 to now wanting to start a family, but i've been responsible, held off, worked to develop a business and found that this was absolutely the right choice.
Almost 4 years ago I left my ex husband for my best friend, who is now my fiance. We are getting married in 1 years time and we have always said we would start trying a month or so before the wedding. So I have one year. One year to get as much as I can in order, and prepare myself mentally and emotionally for pregnancy and parenthood.
We're sure of a lot of things. We want 4 kids, we have their names and know what values we want to teach them. We are working on our financial stability and are doing ok. We know where we want to live, how we want to live and what we want to achieve. I have travelled, lived abroad, experienced everything you could wish to prior to parenthood so don't feel like I need to 'enjoy my life being free' anymore.

So tell me. What advice do you wish you had recieved, or would give to me or yourself or anyone one year prior to trying.

Save £££ - work out what your maternity pay will be, how long you'd like to have off, how you much you'd need to make that time off enjoyable etc

Do any DIY work in the house you'd like doing

De-clutter as much as possible before baby comes - get rid of stuff, organise your home

Get into an exercise regime - even a few times a week. Helps to be a healthy weight when TTC and the fitness will help during pregnancy

Come off any hormonal contraception you may be on at least 3 months prior to TTC - giving your cycle a chance to find it's natural rhythm will help you pinpoint when to have sex. Start taking folic acid at this point.

Good luck! DH and I planned ahead too and I found out I was pregnant one week after we got married it's so exciting!

Calm down the planning and expectations, you may be shocked by some realities- I don’t mean to be patronising, but you never truly how your partner or indeed you will handle a child. You can prepare financially etc but do be aware you can plan for what life or your child will throw at you.

As for this year- travel, sleep, work hard in a company you want to stay in/ have a good Mat package/ prover track record of flexibility for parents etc.

Read many of the threads on here to see what the pitfalls are ... money is so important- do you both have the same attitude towards saving/spending? Money seems to cause so many arguments between couples, make sure you are BOTH happy and in agreement as to whether you have a shared or separate account but how do you cover household expenses? Does one of you have a more expensive hobby?

And discuss chores - not just cooking and running a hoover around, but shopping, cleaning toilets, household maintenance, gardening etc etc. And, obviously, how will childcare be sorted?

Be prepared for it not to be smooth sailing.

I had a HG pregnancy, EMCS, PTSD and PND.

From getting pregnant to recovery was almost 2.5 years. It was absolutely brutal and almost destroyed me and my marriage.

I wish I had been more prepared for if and when things don't go as planned.

Good point about hobbies, not just the expense but also the time - so many men with time consuming hobbies seem to think they can carry on as before after baby is born; or they actually start spending more time on a hobby or the gym!

@AnotherEmma
That's really helpful thank you. Part of me wants to write a list. My partner loves creating an excel spreadsheet for literally anything.. so maybe he'll be up for it too!
To be honest a lot of things we are on the same page about, but I agree we should agree on things prior to starting our family. Surely some will come about as and when though?

@user1493413286 This is an area i've really been thinking about. I have benign liver tumours that make me slightly higher risk and lower energy, so i really need to work on improving my health over the next year.

@ILiveInSalemsLot Agreed - thanks for this. He is amazing at supporting my passions though, my business is all about supporting wildlife and he knows I intend on spending days in the forests with orangutans and releasing turtles into the ocean. Having children is equal to these dreams for me, so he knows to pick up the slack so I can live those dreams. My concern is him not following or finding his.

When you start to wonder when your life will get back to normal...

It doesn't go back to the way it was, there is a new normal. And you will get the hang of it eventually

@firstimemamma I get that - I think I just want to get a head start but also don't want to be throwing up on my wedding day! I will have a think about it for sure!

@NoImNotPregnant I run my own company so the mat package and £££ are fine and I already Marie Kondo everything haha! but the health stuff I think is a massive concern. I have tumours on my liver that are caused from increased estrogen from my pill, so ive been off the pill for a year or so now but it means my health isn't great. I think perhaps I should invest in a health coach just to get me into better health - should I really be taking folic acid this early on?

@Theyweretheworstoftimes I'm so sorry you had such a hard time - I cannot imagine and honestly it wouldn't have crossed my mind to prepare for PND. I suffer from clinical depression which I take medication for, but really i should prepare for it to be exacerbated and potentially for PND as well. Thank you for your advice

@FTMF30
Do you feel guilty for time spent away from them? I never considered this or knew it was a thing.

If you TTC and it doesn’t happen easily, where do you both stand on things like IVF, adoption, sperm donation, egg donation, surrogacy?

@TheWildRumpyPumpus
I would be devastated, i know that, but we have already discussed this and feel that if that happens it is because we are meant to raise children that don't already have parents to love them.
100% adopt.

Sounds like you're ready.

I would have said the usual, world tour and enjoy the spontaneous couple time more, but you said you don't feel like you need 'being free' anymore. You can't bottle up freedom to use later anyway!

Unlike you I didnt know what values we want to impart, where we want to live, how we want to live and what we want to achieve. In fact, that is a huge question I've been pondering for the past year and I still don't know better, so wisdom on how to figure out would be helpful!

Dont have children until you are 100% ready to put yourself/career/progression on the backburner for a good few years. Just because you go back to work after mat leave doesnt mean you have the time to be career focussed again.

@Rubiikk apologies, I only read the shortened version while bathing DD so may have missed some important info!
I would say start taking folic acid 3 months prior, that's what I did and continued taking it until I was 12 weeks pregnant.

[quote Rubiikk]@FTMF30
Do you feel guilty for time spent away from them? I never considered this or knew it was a thing.[/quote]
I don't think everyone does, but many people do. I didn't think I'd feel the guilt but I definitely did. It's one thing to think of having a baby in theory, but when you actually have it, it's a sucker punch of emotion. No one (in my eyes) was good enough to look after my baby. It was sheer exhaustion that ked ms to allow it. I/we desperately needed a break.

I think I partly felt like this at the beginning because my baby had colic (which is very common) so he cried A LOT. Nothing can make you feel more guilty than leaving your crying/distressed baby to go out for an evening of fun.

How lovely you got out of a bad relationship and found a new one with your best friend - l love stories like that!! My advice is just take each day as it comes and don't panic about routines etc once baby is here. But as a pp said, if there is a once in a life time holiday you want to do, do it now!! I ticked Australia off my list then came home and had DD 2 years later - didn't plan that but sooo glad l went when l could

Also be prepared to be flexible in the size of your family. I can't have more children due to complications so we are a family of three. We may well have wanted more but that choice was taken from us.

Life insurance for you both and a will that details whom the children would go to in the event you both die.

Every time you want to bend down, squat. It's good training for childbirth. If you can hold yourself in a squat you'll have much more freedom of movement during birth which makes it easier.

100% discuss shared care and consider how it would look if you did the opposite to what most people do - sahd, or dad going part time, or dad making a career move to a more family friendly industry. You might still decide otherwise but discuss it.

Start reading about breastfeeding now

Just enjoy the time alone together. And also time alone alone. we have a one year old and we are lucky we do still get time alone when her grandparents have her etc but the ability to do things off the cuff and spur of the moment is pretty limited.

@Hutella - Thank you

@BertieBotts
The notion of breastfeeding is lovely, in reality it scares the s* out of me.

Why does the idea of breastfeeding scare you?

Lots of things about pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding might seem a bit weird before you do them but honestly it is all very natural and normal when you actually do it (albeit a bit of a shock to the system sometimes!)

Also just in response to this
"Surely some will come about as and when though?"
Yes definitely agree that you can't decide everything in advance, some decisions will be made as you go along, and you might have some ideas before children that you change your mind about after having them, and that's ok as long as you keep talking and hopefully reaching an agreement on things.. I suppose I just mean that it's a good idea to think and talk in advance so you can check you're both broadly on the same page and see whether there's anything you already feel strongly about. It's a good chance to practise disagreeing, negotiating and compromising on things (if anything comes up) before you're sleep deprived and stressed out with a baby!

Cultivate a local network of people who can help you. This means people who live on your street or the next road. I've ended up baby sitting neighbours' children in an emergency and taking a neighbour to A&E amongst other things. However helping one another can be anything from watering gardens while on holiday, looking after pets in an emergency, stopping your neighbour getting a parking ticket and anything you can think off. While you will have family locally who can help you, if you have an emergency knowing that Sue or Keith down the road is in and can help you at the drop of a hat is useful if it is a life or death situation.

Plan to and actually share your parental leave. However much one of you may want to be the primary carer of your children if you share your parental leave every single time so your husband spends a minimum of a month looking after the first then subsequent children on his own, then both of you will be more realistic in your expectations of one another as parents. There is statistical information that this helps you avoid getting divorced and regardless it helps cement both of your bonds with your children. (If you work at home I suggest you either lock yourself away so you can't hear them between normal working hours, or work away from the home during this period so you can't be asked to help.)

Oh and the Cook Islands are lovely for honey moons if you can get there.

@AnotherEmma
Im just really sensitive about it, plus previous abuse that ive never really dealt with.
And the pain.
Its a really uncomfortable area for me, but I know its best for the baby.

That's the only part that I'm really uncomfortable with, everything else I think I will just take on as it needs to be done.

Save and enjoy life as a couple being able to go on amazing holidays and enjoying things as a married couple...me and my husband waited over a year to have our little boy...life is completely different after having our little boy but wouldn't change it for the world xx