Bringing newborn into bed with me

[YouCanTell]

Just as the title suggests, I am bringing my 4week old DD into bed with me a night. She sleeps chest down on my chest. Yes I know it’s dangerous but I am shattered with bfeeding on the hour every hour and this is the only way she doesn’t wake so often for feeding or to be picked up.
I’m hearing/reading conflicting advice. Some say that doing this will make DD get used to “body warmth” as a way of sleeping and will demand it from here on in. Others say that newborns need that comfort and it doesn’t matter to let them sleep with/on body warmth.

Can anyone share your experiences or tips on what to do?
Do I let her cry it out - although I really can’t see myself doing that

Any help is appreciated. Many thanks

I don’t think anyone would advocate a newborn crying it out.

I should probably add that I have a fast let down so the feeds are very short, maximum 5 mins but this means feeds are more frequent. I think she may want a dummy as she is always rooting shortly after a feed, but I’m unsure if this is due to hunger or just the need to suckle! She is EBF so don’t want to introduce dummy unless absolutely necessary due to nipple confusion and the horrors of weaning a dummy!

Take a look at the Lullaby Trust's safe sleep guidelines.

It is dangerous. My babies always slept in their own rooms from the beginning (there was no recommendation then to have them sleep in your room). You start a routine and stick with it. I never let my babies cry for more than a minute or two (sometimes they cry out and resettle). It took a few weeks (three months in my daughters case), but they then settled well by themselves. So do a going to bed routine (mine was bath, story, feed and down while still awake, then leave the room), then repeat repeat repeat. If they woke up or cried I would go back in, talk softly, stroke their tummy DO NOT PICK UP, and once settled left the room. You might have to do that a few times. But the reward is after a few weeks a baby that can settle themself, you get an evening with your partner. I would then go in and give a sleepy feed before I went to bed, and another should they wake up around 3am. I can count on one hand the disturbed nights I had after that. Consistency is key. Do not think 'oh this one time in with me will be ok'. Be strict with yourself.

Personally I found co-sleeping much easier (only way I survived bf twins) and think it was good for babies too. As long as you follow the safe co-sleeping guidelines (see www.llli.org/the-safe-sleep-seven/) it isn't actually dangerous. It's still the norm in many places around the world. If you want to transition to their own cot when older and feeding less frequently you can do.

Personally my daughter is EBF and has a dummy she's never had nipple confusion. We were wary of introducing it (had to also introduce a bottle when I had to go to hospital shortly after she was born and again went straight back to breastfeeding) friends who have waited until the "recommended" 6 weeks are now struggling to introduce anything other than nipple baby will not accept dummy or bottle.

Safe sleep guidance is key (although I'm not a fan of co sleeping but it wouldn't work for us anyway). Just be careful about her sleeping on you and you falling asleep as well. Co sleeping might work for you. She's in her 4th trimester she needs comfort, but also will be cluster feeding hence the hourly feeding. Maybe try additional feeding to see if the routing is hunger or as you say it's a comfort thing. Don't beat yourself up about giving a dummy, breastfeeding is hard work and tiring!

You can co-sleep safely but letting her sleep chest down on your chest really isn’t safe. Don’t worry about the body warmth thing, you can’t give a baby that young bad habits.

We have done a mix of co sleeping and having DD in a next to me (from birth to 6 months), she has gone into her cot in her own bedroom since 6 months and is absolutely fine (sleeps from 7pm to 5/6am with a feed at midnight) she is almost 8 months old.

One mum from our ante natal group has a DS who would only sleep on her or her DH so they used to take it in 1hr shifts - 1 would have him sleeping on their chest for an hour while the other slept and then they swapped. Safer than sleeping with baby on your chest

This has inherent risks Op, and you know this. Plus you’re storing up stress for yourself.

When I had mine I recall an older midwife saying to me, don’t hold her all the time, she will come to expect it and you’ll never be able to do anything and she was right. You need to strike a balance between you and your babies needs, safety and ensuring you let her get used to a way of sleeping that in future allows her to sleep independently and give you respite. A stressed exhausted mother is not beneficial to her.

I’d also say you’re making this very difficult for yourself, with the Ebf, no dummy and her sleeping on you. I’m not sure how long you could keep this up and would wonder just how much you’re enjoying motherhood right now.

Sleeping like this is dangerous. If you're going to have her in your bed, you should follow the safe sleeping guidelines, but please stop sleeping with her lying on you - accidents happen. If that's the only way she'll settle, you need to try to stay awake. Do you have a partner or family member you can take shifts with?

Lots of babies are like velcro to begin with, she will be able to sleep on her own - it's all a phase at this age, and ignore anyone saying you're "making a rod for your back". In these early days, just do what works for both of you (as long as it's safe!)

I coslept with my first and I'm 33 weeks preg with number 2 and will do it again. It absolutely saved my sanity as a bf mum. My DD slept in the crook of my arm with me facing her, I'd say if you can, that's safer than her being on top of you and risking rolling off, but equally, they are like little koalas in the beginning and just want to cling to you- it does get easier. Just remember to keep the duve/pillows away from baby, and if you've had a glass of wine, or you're really exhausted , cosleeping should be avoided. There's some great guidance out there- and info about all the positives. To me it was the most natural thing in the world to keep my little baby close and we all definitely got more rest. Xx

We co-slept. Follow the guidelines and it is much safer than baby sleeping separately. It was wonderful. It also meant that breast feeding was so much easier. Speak to heath professionals. Read the guidance on the best way to do it safely. Go for it OP

It is dangerous, I'm sorry. This stage is so hard, you feel like you're going out of your mind.

If it's any help, I don't know if any babies who had nipple confusion, and most of my friends combi fed after a few weeks. The only EBF baby refuses a bottle so his mum is only ever able to leave him for 2-3 hours at a time.

And mine weaned himself off a dummy at around 6 months - he just kept spitting it out. No bother. And better than him screaming all day.

They are only little for a short period, hold them, keep them safe and comforted- have a google at pinky McKay or follow if on FB, I ebf for 14 months ( I was ready to stop then!!) , and coslept for quite a bit of that time, but introduced cot gradually. My DD is a brilliant sleeper and will solidly go all night without waking and has done since about a year- she's 3 now. ignore anyone who tells you you are making a rod for your own back- absolute rubbish. Babies are tiny vulnerable things who need attachment and comfort- just do what feels right. Xx

Also, do you have a next to me cot? That way you can keep a hand on her while still being in her own space. It might take her a while to get used to it.

If you carry on co-sleeping please read the safe sleep guidelines and put her on the mattress on her back rather than on you.

It's absolutely safe to cosleep if done properly, please check the lullaby trust for the right way to do it. My midwife suggested that to me.

When I had mine I recall an older midwife saying to me, don’t hold her all the time, she will come to expect it and you’ll never be able to do anything and she was right

That's very wrong and outdated advice, and babies do not come to expect anything. We have evolved since.

You can co sleep safely, but letting a baby sleep on her/your chest is not safe. You should have the baby on her back and you lying beside her on your side. I co slept with my breastfed baby but I followed the guidelines and did it safely.

I did this with all 3 of my babies, OP. You'll get differing responses so honestly best just do what works for you.

You can safely cosleep but what you're doing at the moment isn't safe. Please check the guidelines from NHS/lullaby trust.

I'd give a dummy, some babies are sucky babies. Like a PP above, anecdotally I know of no mum that's said her baby was confused between a dummy and boob.

Oh God the amount of misinformation on here.
Read Safe Infant Sleep by James J. McKenna. Very recently published.

Co-sleeping is NOT DANGEROUS!
Unplanned co-sleeping is though so you must adjust things according to the correct safety guidelines.

As a PP suggested, go to the Lullaby Trust website on how to co-sleep safely.

Breastfeeding to sleep is also not going to make a rod for your own back and is completely normal. I did it with my now 3 yo and I'm currently doing it with my 8 week old.

Why does it work for us?

Because when she sleeps next to me I don't enter into deep sleep. If she even stirs for another feed, I can wake up and respond instantly.

When I put her in the crib, it takes her crying to wake me up because I go into a deeper sleep. Then I have to calm her. Then feed her. Then somehow pop her back in without waking her.

I loved feeding my DS to sleep. I love doing it with my DD. It feels like the most normal thing in the world to do.

Do what feels right for your family, that is ultimately the best thing to do but safety must be paramount here.

This happened to me for the first few weeks, my daughter wouldn’t sleep anywhere else, not next to me or anything just on my chest. It’s not idea at all and I worried about it. Then after a month or so she just wouldn’t settle like that and went into a sleepyhead next to me. I think this is just more to say that it will change - nothing stays the same with babies. I empathise because I couldn’t have let her cry and staying awake all the time drove me to a panic attack.

Speak to your midwife or the people recommended up thread what you’re doing now isn’t sustainable and could be dangerous

Did it until 3 months with DD1 and about a month with DD2. DD2 was much less clingy.

Babies actually benefit from feeling the mother's breathing.

Very important! Do not do it if you take drugs (including medicine that makes you drowsy), drink or smoke. It may make you less aware.

Mumsnet loves cosleeping but most people never share the stats that on average in the UK 130 babies die each year from accidental death whilst sharing a bed with their parents.

The early newborn days are really tough and I fell asleep whilst bf my baby in the middle of the night but I wouldn’t take the risk cosleeping. I found a sleepyhead a life saver and I’m sure someone will be along to tell you how dangerous those are but I’m yet to find any deaths attributed to a sleepyhead ( I did find a study where over a 13 year period 13 deaths were attributed to sleep positioners in the USA, a sleepyhead was not mentioned however).

At the end of the day you are a grown up with a baby and access to the internet you can do your own research and decide what’s right for you.

I have no idea how EBF babies don't co-sleep. How do mums manage that? I find it impossible to put breastfed babies in a Moses basket at night asleep.

I guess it depends on the baby, but with my first, I tried and tried to get her into a Moses basket and exhausted myself. Every time I put her down she woke up. At about 3 weeks of hardly any sleep, I just brought her into bed with me and practiced safe sleeping guidance (keep duvets and pillows away, don't let them sleep in the middle of 2 people).
I've just had my second and much more relaxed about it - he's in bed with me so I can sleep. He's 5 weeks. In a few weeks I'll try and get him to sleep separately but for now, it works. I can sleep, he can feed. It's not dangerous so long and you follow the guidance (and don't drink booze).
Mothers and babies co-slept for millennia. If that's the only way you can get some rest, then don't give yourself a hard time about it. I would, however, try to get yours off your chest and sleeping next to you instead.
Good luck, and try not to stress about it. Just because you're co-sleeping now doesn't mean you will be in 1 month, or a year down the line. Wishing you a peaceful night - this isn't forever!