Bringing newborn into bed with me

[YouCanTell]

Just as the title suggests, I am bringing my 4week old DD into bed with me a night. She sleeps chest down on my chest. Yes I know it’s dangerous but I am shattered with bfeeding on the hour every hour and this is the only way she doesn’t wake so often for feeding or to be picked up.
I’m hearing/reading conflicting advice. Some say that doing this will make DD get used to “body warmth” as a way of sleeping and will demand it from here on in. Others say that newborns need that comfort and it doesn’t matter to let them sleep with/on body warmth.

Can anyone share your experiences or tips on what to do?
Do I let her cry it out - although I really can’t see myself doing that

Any help is appreciated. Many thanks

How to cosleep safely

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/Safer-sleep-for-babies-a-guide-for-parents-web.pdf

The book ‘three in a bed’ is really reassuring and helpful if you feel like a whole book on it.

(Deborah Jackson is the author.)

@Pipandmum
Did you read where the OP said baby us 4 WEEKS old? "Do not pick up?!" WTF am I reading?! Baby still doesn't realise it is a separate being!

OP don't do the above! Look at safe bed sharing guidelines. I bed shared with my newborn since birth in the safest possible way. We are mammals and doing this safely is normal and what we have evolved to do.

Well done. I've been there and it is so tough.

She’s 4 weeks old, she thinks she’s still inside you. No it isn’t safe and I wouldn't make a habit of it, however I did do it for a few nights In the early weeks when nothing else worked. 2 months later and mine goes down herself, no bad habits formed. They change so quickly. Wishing you well and trust your gut 😊

Safe co sleeping is one thing, how you are doing it dangerous.
BF to sleep and frequently is all part of the newborn phase. I wouldn't worry about that or try and change it too much with dummies etc.
I couldn't co sleep as mine was prem and low birth weight. He woke frequently, he fed frequently, I got exhausted. If babies slept easily and well on their own on their back and didn't wake frequently then it would be easy for everyone. They don't and it's not.
But I wasn't willing to increase his risk of death to get some more rest, so he was always in a safe sleep space as per the guidelines.
I can't support people practicing unsafe sleeping with their babies. As you've asked for opinions, that's mine.

Before I had my baby I was adamant I did not want to cosleep or fall asleep with baby in my bed at all, because I didn’t want to risk anything. However, once she was born, she wouldn’t settle in the snuzpod at all, and every night I ended up with her on my chest, the same as you. I will say, that I slept mainly quite propped up, so for some reason I felt that was safer (it’s probably not). But every night I would always attempt to put her in the snuzpod to start off, but then after 5 mins or 30 mins, she would end up with me. Then, one night i tried her in the snuzpod and I woke Up 3 hours later and she had slept perfectly fine, and that was a turning point. After that she would always start off in the snuzpod and at some point in the night, come into our bed. And then at about 7/8 weeks she stayed all night and has done ever since. And looking back, I’m so glad I did it that way. It was pain free for both of us, and those tiny newborn cuddles are so special.

Oh also, I didn’t have the duvet anywhere near me

I did this a few times with DD. Not deliberately, but it happens! Once I was a bit less exhausted, we continued to cosleep, but planned it and followed safe sleeping guidelines more carefully (I hadn’t planned to cosleep, but was being driven to insanity by sleep deprivation!)

If cosleeping works for you, do it. Whatever gets you some sleep! If feeding to sleep works and you’re happy with it, stick with it. I was terrified of “making a rod for my back” with DD1 but ended up doing just about anything to settle her as nothing else bloody worked! Any level of mild distress at bedtime led to vomiting when she was tiny . So I got really worried that my baby was never going to sleep independently and I was doing her a disservice by not allowing her to “learn to self-settle”. As it turns out, it seems to be absolute bollocks. When I wanted to make changes, we made them. No distress, no crying. She was an amazing sleeper by the time she was 2.5, better than many of my friends who had tried other methods with sleep and were still being plagued by early morning wakings. Different children have different sleep needs, do what works for you, for as long as it works for you. When you don’t want to do it that way any more, make changes. You WON’T be making a rod for your back.

Don’t worry about ‘bad habits’ at this stage. The way you are sleeping is not safe, but you can cosleep safely. I did this sometimes with my EBF baby until about 6 months. Fed lying down, then we both drifted off. Feeding to sleep is also ok - normal even!

My daughter is now almost 18m and sleeps in her own room in a cot, without feeding to sleep, without leaving her to cry it out. She does not stil have to be held to go to sleep, she hasn’t got bad habits and I didn’t make a rod for my own back. Babies change all the time, giving her what she needs at 4 weeks will not mean you have to do this forever. But please read the safe sleep guidelines on the lullaby trust website.

Someone mentioned about babies dying every year from cosleeping - this is quite possibly true, but my understanding is that if you follow the safe sleep guidelines (baby on back, no duvet near by, no drinking/drugs), and are breastfeeding the risk is very very low. I usually move loads in my sleep - when I was BF and cosleeping, I never ever moved, and was sort of constantly aware of my daughter even whilst sleeping, and friends I’ve spoken to found the same.

Planned co-sleeping for safely, where no other risk factors (smoking, drinking, high weight etc) are in play, is vastly preferable to unplanned accidental co-sleeping. Clear flat surfaces, no thick duvets etc. However I would not think face down sleeping on your chest is safe so I would try hard to adjust that position.

We had a lot of success with Love to Dream arms up swaddles. Very easy to put on, my baby felt snug and calm in them, natural arms up position and it allows baby to rub face and suck fists for soothing too. Worth a try.

@byvirtue the stats don’t distinguish between safe and unsafe cosleeping so aren’t really reliable. There’s a world of difference between falling asleep after having had a few drinks with your baby in your bed (for example) and practising safe co-sleeping.

OP I coslept with my DS because it was the only way - he was EBF, he utterly rejected a dummy, and his next to me attached to the bed was too far for him 🤣. It was actually fantastic - he slept in the crook of my arm between me and the next2me. In that position there was no way I could have rolled onto him. Neither of us really had to wake for the night feeds and we all got loads of sleep. He transitioned into his cot at 6 months and his own room at 11 months without any issues, and I breastfed him until he was 13 months. The rod for your own back stuff is total rubbish. No one says using nappies are a rod for your own back because they need to learn to use the toilet at some point so why should meeting their need for closeness he such an issue?!

I found this safe sleep poster useful & reassuring! You might find it interesting to read the La Leche League book "Sweet Sleep", lots of great stuff in there about safe bedsharing. Though with a 4 week old baby you may not have the brain power to read a whole book for a while yet lol.

another image - this is known as the "c position" or "cuddle curl" and it's the safest position for bedsharing with a small baby. You can see how the mum in the photo can keep her pillow away from her baby with her arm, and keep the duvet/blankets safely away from the baby's head with her legs (or by only pulling the duvet up to her hips, or by trapping the duvet between her legs). You can breastfeed in this position with your baby lying on her side like in the photo, though once you've finished feeding you should always gently roll or nudge your baby onto her back, she should sleep on her back.

Enjoy! I've co-slept with my 4-month-old every night since we came home from hospital and I love it. You'll both get better sleep and even when you're fast asleep you will be aware of where your baby is and if she's ok. Follow all the safe sleep guidelines and trust your instincts.

btw just saw another poster mention swaddling - it's worth trying swaddling as a way to make baby feel more secure in her cot if you want to, but bedsharing babies shouldn't be swaddled. In a swaddle or a sleeping bag there's a risk they could overheat, or roll into a less safe position and then be unable to roll or wiggle back out of it if their arms or legs can't move freely.

I'm a massive advocate for co-sleeping - there are so many benefits I struggle to believe it is anything other than exactly what we are meant to be doing.

On your chest isn't great as others are saying but I also don't think it's as terribly dangerous as being made out. Your skin to skin contact helps regulate baby's temperature and heartbeat, and when you're that close IME you tend to find you have an awareness of your baby even when you are asleep.

It would be better to be side lying, you can still be tummy to tummy. At first I used to have to roll over when I wanted to swap boobs, but in time I developed a bit of a technique of rolling closer or further away to access the top boob. This way you can doze a bit and still feed and have that cuddle time. The images shared are good.

I was told 12 years ago with DS1 that side sleeping for babies in this position is safe, and the only reason they don't recommend side sleeping is that it's very common babies will roll onto their front from the side, and so people try to mitigate this by propping the baby up with things like blankets or muslins, which are a suffocation hazard. I can believe this, but of course midwives don't always necessarily speak the whole truth, and it may be out of date.

Agree, no swaddling if you're bedsharing, but it's OK if they are firmly in their own sleep space.

I don't believe you can "teach" a baby to self soothe by leaving them to cry any more than you can teach somebody to swim by throwing them in the deep end with no instruction. There are gentler ways. Establishing sleep as a cosy, nice, welcome and unthreatening thing is a lovely way to start teaching a baby to (eventually) self soothe.

Good luck!

Sorry I should add - the only times you should not co-sleep is if anybody in the bed is a smoker, and when you've had any medication or drug that makes you drowsy, including any amount of alcohol.

Cosleeping is very safe when done correctly. I would look up the safe cosleeping guidelines, curl around her, duvet right by your feet or no duvet, no drinking alcohol if you're cosleeping , dont do it if you're a smoker etc. I coslept from birth until 7 months with my ebf dd. Never had a dummy, I held her for every nap (or in a sling) until she was 6 months and we are still breastfeeding at 21 months.

She started sleeping through by herself, I never sleep trained and would never consider cry it out.

She is so little - don't worry about a routine just now, there is plenty of time for that. Listen to your instincts and your baby - that's all that matters.

You are the best mother for your child and all she needs.

I Co slept with all three of mine, but safely, not with them lying on my chest. They could roll off or slide down beside you and you crush them, or they could suffocate. Please look up safe cosleeping. Having a newborn is exhausting I know, I slept in our big bed with mine, with baby in the middle of the bed, a pillow underneath a tight fitted sheet on the opposite side to baby (not near baby though) so they couldn't roll off. I had baby in a sleeping bag and I slept with fleece pj's on so I didn't need a cover. Everytime I needed to feed baby I just rolled them onto their side and lifted my top up.

Ps, humans are the only species that expect their babies to sleep away from them!

You have to wonder why people like Pipandmum bothered to have babies if this is their idea of caring for them and forming healthy normal attachment, my god.

OP, you’ve had a lot of good advice on how to cosleep safely. It’ll save your sanity. It’s how new mums and babies are supposed to sleep! Please read those posts and don’t give any headspace to the outdated, ridiculous, dangerous tripe the others are peddling.

I don't know much about cosleeping and swaddling, but it was me who mentioned the swaddle. I appreciate the mother’s body heat can play a factor. However, if it makes any difference, the type of swaddle I mentioned (Love to Dream) are sold in incredibly low tog options (0.2 tog) and are a zip on single layer so far less prone to overheating compared to traditional swaddles. Like I said, I don’t know about these with cosleeping but just thought it would be helpful to mention that there is a difference between LTD swaddles and traditional swaddles.

Just to add, I didn’t cosleep with my LTD swaddled baby (I was so worried about rolling on him that I never managed to relax enough to sleep so actually got less sleep!). But what sometimes worked was settling him into the Next2Me, shuffling up really close while he settled then wriggling back into my own space to go to sleep. So, maybe it’s something to try if you did want to try out the swaddle.

I did this with all 3 of mine. But only because, DH wasn't in the bed (snorer anyway), I never drank, didn't smoke, no duvet, and literally never ever moved, and I'm a very very light sleeper. I can sleep on my back in one position and not move all night. I deemed it safe for us, and it worked really well for BF in the night.

Knowing that things do go wrong though, if I had my time again, I'd have got one of those beds that attach on your own bed, and it keeps baby very close but much safer. Sorry I can't remember what they're called.

It's not to do with overheating, it's to do with the baby being able to move in a natural way.

Swaddling is great if baby is in their own sleep space. It's dangerous if they are sharing that space with an adult.