When do you get YOU back?

[Atticus500]

I realise it’s early days (DD coming up for 12 weeks) but when do you start to get back to yourself after a baby? I don’t have time for the toilet, for a meal, for a shower, let alone to shave my legs or wear makeup. I live in the same dresses so I can pop out my boob and the highlight of each day is a trip to the supermarket. When will I get me back and be able to do things for myself more? 4 months? 6 months? I don’t expect to return to pre baby levels of me time but when does stuff feel more settled?

A bit after around 8 weeks when I started putting him to bed at 7pm and got my evenings back- I started being able to do things for 'me' again. But honestly, not properly until I went back to work, which was 10 months later. With hindsight I should have gone back sooner (but ironically childcare so expensive that it was better financially for me to stay off - good mat pay policy!). Just had my second and this time I intend to go back to work after 5 months as I know I'll feel more like myself as a result.

Oh yea also, the best thing I found was joining a gym with a creche and joining a mums/babies fitness group. The creche didn't work out great as my son hated being left so I rarely got to go for a swim...but the mum/baby fitness groups were a godsend. Expensive, but it meant that every day I went to a fitness class for me, met people who became friends, has something to look forward too... and baby came as well so I didn't feel guilty! It did get easier with every milestone too. 6 months, when he started sitting up on his own, was probably a massive turning point as I could leave him on the floor playing or put him in a high chair when I went our for coffee with friends. Thinking back, another turning point was when I started using babysitters (family members) and leaving expressed milk or later, formula, for him. I felt very tied to him while breastfeeding but as soon as he started accepting the occasional bottle, my life changed and I could leave him with my husband for an evening out etc.

You should be able to shower and eat! You need something to keep your baby safely contained ie a bouncy chair or jumperoo if they're big enough.
I had a high needs baby who rarely napped but you need to be able to do stuff. I never liked leaving DD to cry but sometimes you have to.

Feeling back to normal comes gradually but I didn't feel it 100% until DD was 2 - I'd stopped BFing, she started preschool and I went back to work. I think it's basically whenever you're not with them 24/7 tbh.

Also if you're able I would recommend baby wearing. It wasn't always practical to be without the pushchair but it felt quite liberating to be able to stride about with it.

Hate to say it but my experience is you never get ‘you’ back. Mine are grown up through older teens now and that’s been the experience of myself and everyone else I know. Sure, one day you may be able to sleep in and pop on an old frock but that’s not the same. Once they become older and more independent you find that you emerge again but are now a completely different ‘you’. It never goes back to the pre-baby version of ‘you’. Not sure if that helps but was the truth for me and others I know who have had kids.

Yeh, I second baby wearing, even when you're in the house so you can make meals while holding the baby! If your baby is fairly content you could also set up little 'stations' in each main room - bedroom, kitchen, living room- where you can put the baby down whold doing something. I have a newborn (and an older toddler) and we currently have a moses basket in the living room, a baby bjorn in the kitchen and a sleepy head in the bedroom (as well as cot) so I can take the baby from room to room if I have to go and do some thing. Mind you, my oldest son was a nightmare and not pliable at all so that didn't work for him! As my second boy gets older, the bakers will change into activity centres (e.g. toy arch).

Are you a single parent?

If not then you should have plenty of time to shower, eat etc. What is your partner doing?

I was a little like this with my first and it was very detrimental to my mental health. A very lovely midwife counsellor told me that I had to make time for me. Even if it meant scheduling it on the calendar.

With my second, I have made sure there is time for me from the very beginning and it has made such a difference. I genuinely believe it has made me a better parent too, because I feel good about myself.

It's a cliche but you can't give from an empty cup.

I don't get it when people say they don't have time to Shower or eat my daughter was asleep 80% of the time At that age so id pop her in the bouncer and bring her with me or in her sleep pod into the bathroom or kitchen. Do you get help from a partner or family?

It took a while after my first due to complications with recovery and just the fact he was my first - it was a huge adjustment. Not long with my second as I was already in the baby zone and knew what to expect!

You do need to shower and go to the loo. Ds1 was a real velcro baby- wouldn't sleep, didn't want to be put down but you just have to put them down! I used to wake up, feed, put ds in his moses basket with the radio playing and the curtains open as he'd gaze at the sunlight, then go to the loo/jump in the shower and get dressed. He did cry so I'd have to go back and forth a bit but I still did it. When DH got home I would hand over ds and have half an hour to myself - I'd nap or bath or eat in peace and dh would keep ds happy(ish). At weekends you should alternate lie-ins and you don't always have to be the one eating a cold meal - cook stuff you can eat one-handed or pass the baby to your partner and eat first! This stage is relentless but it does get better. Feeds space out, sleep improves, your baby will learn to sit up/crawl/play/walk and then they don't need you nearly so much. Don't worry!

Dd3 is nearly four and I’m just starting to feel like me.

I never understand why people say they don’t have time for a shower / to use the loo / make something to eat

Can’t you put the baby in a sleepyhead / wear him? Are you a single parent? As otherwise your partner should be pulling his weight to give you time to do these things

When I went back to work at 3 months, then a bit more when we got our evenings back at 4 months and started sleeping through at 5 months. These are all very personal to my situation though. No-one can tell you WHEN you will feel like you again, only that you WILL.

Do something small to make you feel more normal, even if it's just a bath or a walk round the block on your own. Do you have a partner who can help to make this happen?

I DO understand not having time to shower / eat etc. My baby (now just over 4 months) would not be put down for the first few months without screaming - total Velcro. I was holding her all the time or I had to be bouncing her. The 'let the baby cry' option might work if you're home alone, but I've had my husband close by on work Zoom calls the whole time, so it hasn't felt like an option.

The good news is that it has got better. I've gradually tried out putting her down in various places and building it up. As others have said - a few weeks ago we started putting her down at 7 and that's made a huge difference to feeing like myself again.

I was (still am, sometimes!) a bit like you op, baby was attached to my boob constantly, he was a month early and quite small, clearly he thought he had some catching up to do!

For food I'd either do something quick for tea while dh had him and I'd then eat one handed while he fed. Breakfast and lunch I'd grab something quick if I was on my own or if dh was at home he'd make me something / have baby while I ate etc. I'm slightly embarrassed to say that even now at almost 8 months I still only shower when dh can take him, so the evenings basically! He'd probably be happy in his bouncy chair, but we can't fit it in the bathroom safely so it's not an option for us. If you could do that though, I'd recommend it!

I can say that it's now much easier to do stuff and has been since ds was able to sit up and play! He can go in his jumper, his highchair, sit on his mat etc or even sit with me on sofa and he'll play and I can do a job, eat a meal etc. Evenings and weekends dh has always had him for a bit so I can read, phone a friend or nap etc.

We got some of our evening back at 6 months when I started letting him sleep on his own (due to circumstances I was a tad otg with sleep guidelines) he now goes to bed between 7-8 and we can watch telly etc.

I've hardly left him with anyone other than dh, but that is because of lockdown. We'd left him for 2 hours with my mum on 2 occasions before it kicked off, but now we're having to build it up again and I think it may take a little while!

Hang in there, it does get easier!! Xx

I definitely do understand people who say they don't have time to shower etc too... those who don't understand are lucky to have had easy babies! My son stopped napping at 8 days old and I spent ALL my time pounding the streets with the pram, trying to get him to drift off. So some babies might sleep 80% of the time... but certainly not all! And some who do sleep won't be put down. Thankfully my second child is much easier :)

My first was far from easy!

@surreygirl1987

I definitely do understand people who say they don't have time to shower etc too... those who don't understand are lucky to have had easy babies! My son stopped napping at 8 days old and I spent ALL my time pounding the streets with the pram, trying to get him to drift off. So some babies might sleep 80% of the time... but certainly not all! And some who do sleep won't be put down. Thankfully my second child is much easier :)

It's not about having easy babies, it's about not being a martyr. Having a shower and a piece of toast was the difference between feeling human or feeling awful all day. If the baby had to cry somewhere safe and cosy, while fed and clean and fine, for 10 minutes, then so be it.

I find so much of the time that the people who struggle the most with motherhood are those who completely stop taking care of themselves once they've had a baby.

@Lucindainthesky

You should be able to shower and eat! You need something to keep your baby safely contained ie a bouncy chair or jumperoo if they're big enough. I had a high needs baby who rarely napped but you need to be able to do stuff. I never liked leaving DD to cry but sometimes you have to.

Feeling back to normal comes gradually but I didn't feel it 100% until DD was 2 - I'd stopped BFing, she started preschool and I went back to work. I think it's basically whenever you're not with them 24/7 tbh.

This.

I'm far from high maintenance, but there's never been a day since having DS that I haven't managed to shower, get dressed and do my make-up. Likewise eating and drinking as normal and generally going about my day. When babies are small they're portable; I just used to put DS in the sling and carry on as normal, or if we were at home he'd go in the bouncer or swing chair while I needed to eat etc.

Saying that, once he started sitting and then crawling/walking independently it definitely felt a lot easier to me, as he'd entertain himself for shorts periods too while I got things done

Never

My baby is 19 weeks and I JUST feel like im getting a little bit of me back. Ive started going to my gym again and doing a hobby I was before having him two times a week whilst my other half looks after the baby. Is this a possibility for you?

It must be tough during the pandemic. It’s OK to leave the baby to their own devices in a safe place whilst you do essential tasks like going to the toilet and showering. I know it doesn’t feel like it sometimes, but it is OK, and we all do it, and the babies are fine. It gets harder to do as they get more mobile, but there are solutions. Bathe with the baby. Put the baby in a bath seat at your feet while you shower (if there is the layout to enable this) I had an over bath shower and used to sit the baby at the other end of the bath in a bath seat, the reclined ones and then the sit up ones, with a few inches of water to splash around in. Use a baby carrier, a good one, and put them in it, you can use the toilet, or put make up on or do hair.

I went back to work with one baby at five weeks, self employed and baby came with me, that and with my younger ones it was up and out on the school run every morning at days old - I would find it hard without that structure I think. Do you think somewhere to be would help? I know for some people it would make it worse, but it’s something to consider.

I started to feel like me a bit more when DC1 was a year old, then I found out I was pregnant again that week (that was a silly idea!). DC2 is 6months old and I definitely don't feel like me again yet. I get some time to do little things, but haven't been out for more than an hour yet as he feeds every 3, and feel like I'm just ploughing through at the moment. I try to enjoy it though as I know I will miss them when they are older and don't need me anymore. It's a short period of time in the grand scheme! Congratulations on your baby OP!

@bitchinkitchen I could never have left my newborn to cry alone for 10 minutes but we're all different and have different priorities- no one right approach! 👍

[quote surreygirl1987]@bitchinkitchen I could never have left my newborn to cry alone for 10 minutes but we're all different and have different priorities- no one right approach! 👍[/quote]
So how did you shower/eat?

Once they get a little more predictable, around 6 months I found it easier.

However, DS is 1.5 and I would say that a month or so ago I finally felt like 'me' again. Not just a mummy.