When do you get YOU back?

[Atticus500]

I realise it’s early days (DD coming up for 12 weeks) but when do you start to get back to yourself after a baby? I don’t have time for the toilet, for a meal, for a shower, let alone to shave my legs or wear makeup. I live in the same dresses so I can pop out my boob and the highlight of each day is a trip to the supermarket. When will I get me back and be able to do things for myself more? 4 months? 6 months? I don’t expect to return to pre baby levels of me time but when does stuff feel more settled?

@Bitchinkitchen even my son didn't cry 24/7 🤷‍♀️

[quote surreygirl1987]@Bitchinkitchen even my son didn't cry 24/7 🤷‍♀️[/quote]
Jealous that you had one that didn't cry when you put him down to shower!

Just put baby down to shower and toilet. As long as he is safe, doesn't matter if baby cries for a few minutes.

Oh believe me he was an incredibly tough baby! He did sleep from 7pm onwards after 8 weeks old (after refusing to nap, and screaming, all day). I was very lucky with that aspect... and yes my NCT pals were very very jealous of that too!

@Lazypuppy

Just put baby down to shower and toilet. As long as he is safe, doesn't matter if baby cries for a few minutes.

Careful saying things like that! Someone will be along in a minute to very earnestly tell you that they could never have let their newborn cry for even a minute, not even if they hadn't eaten in six days, and then when you're feeling nice and guilty for occasionally wanting a shower, they'll tell you there's "no one way to do it" and swan off.

@surreygirl1987

I'm the same as you!

I had to wake for a perfectly timed nap to have a shower, and generally just either got up at 6am before baby woke or showered at night when DH was home.

The thought of leaving DS to cry for 10 mins would kill me!

I don’t have time for the toilet, for a meal, for a shower, let alone to shave my legs or wear makeup

I don't understand this. I did all these things when I had a baby, and I didn't have a lot of support. To be honest, it's easier to do these things when you have a baby than when you have a toddler.

Just put your baby in their cot and go to the loo and have a wash

And just think many women have babies and older children. Their older DC need to be fed, cleaned, taken to school...their babies won't always be attended to immediately

OP you need to make time... put your baby in a bouncer in bathroom with you to shower and do makeup or go to the loo. Also takes 5 mins to make a sandwich.
Enjoy this stage when theyre not walking etc & easy to transport around. I personally find it harder to get stuff done now ds is a toddler (14months), walking & into everything.

Oh god to these comments about 'my baby slept all the time' and ' just put them in a bouncer'. Mine did not sleep and they cried the house down in a bouncer while I showered. Not all babies are the same. Sure you have to shower sometimes when they are howling, but that is not 'being yourself'

For me it was 2.5, when they were potty trained, could eat anything, talk etc. But again all babies are different!

@formerbabe Oh that's me now! I have a newborn baby and a toddler! Honestly I'm finding this time round so much easier... eapite having two... because this is a much much much easier baby and because my toddler no longer screams all the time (thank God). I know most people find the opposite though. When everyone else was moaning about how much harder their child is as a toddler than they were as a baby I didn't know what to say as I found the total opposite 🙈

I understand OP. In those early days I would take a shower before my husband went to work. During that time, he would change/cuddle the baby. Would this work for you?

@2155User Oh that is exactly like me! 😁

Mine didn’t sleep, howled when put down, and my partner had a 5-hour round trip commute so I was on my own for a lot of her early months. I do understand not having time or ability to shower/eat/loo – and it’s enormously unhelpful to have other people say they don’t understand, as though we all have the same circumstances and the same babies. It’s difficult enough having a wakeful screamy one without the implied judgment that you’re somehow doing it wrong.

OP, I felt like myself again when DP took over at 9 months (we did shared leave), and a bit more when she went to nursery at 14 months. But as a PP said, I don’t feel like pre-baby me. I’m still breastfeeding, she’s still waking at night, she’s still the priority over other things. You do get showers and that sort of thing back, BUT the little buggers get mobile and want to accompany you to the loo, and constantly smear you in banana and yoghurt so the showers are irrelevant.

Also! You can have a wee with the baby in the sling. Just don’t wear a jumpsuit.

Yes to everything burritofan just said - I also had a screamer and could not put her down for a second in the early weeks. I also went to the loo with baby in sling or just on my shoulder. Actually, I still do it now and she’s 13 months - it’s a skill!

Oh goodness, I remember this well. My DP was useless at the start, and I had a rough time in hospital so that didn't help. I would go the whole day holding DD because I was afraid she'd wake up if she was sleeping, and she so liked to be held. I wouldn't have a thing to eat and I'd go days without showering. It was pretty grim.

I'd say around 9 months I got into my rhythm a bit, thanks mostly to my sister being amazing, and I was able to do more for myself. She's just turned 2 now and whilst I still hate hearing her cry/whinge, I do make time for myself. DP can still be quite useless, mind you.

I second what @burritofan said!

I became a master at going to the toilet with baby in a sling

God this thread has made me grateful for my babies! DC1 felt ‘myself’ from 9 months when went back to work but ate/showered/slept from day 1. Supportive partner and did those things when baby slept. 8 weeks DC went ‘to bed’ at 7pm so we had evenings (still woke for 3 night feeds).

DC2 knew they deal and was myself from the start. Not as put together or well turned up but could be myself and she joined in the routine. Again slept, ate and showered with support from DH (FF first but second EBF for
First 12 weeks).

I think it’s a state of mind. Newborn babies do sleep a lot it’s not the norm if they never sleep. No judgement if you use those naps to sleep but both times I found time to sort myself out. Babies that scream 24/7 and sleep 6 hours or 24 are rare.

I opened the thread to say when your youngest gets to be about 15, or maybe when your youngest learns to drive and you are no longer taxi-ing.

But perhaps you were hoping for something a bit sooner ?

I think it’s a state of mind

I've never laughed so hard.

I'll remind myself of that if I have another DC when they're screaming and I'm having a quick shower that it's not that they want attention, it's that I have the wrong state of mind.

I’m not sure I have myself back even now DD is 3... I don’t mean that to scare you, just that I think motherhood is a pretty long-term thing! Your DC affect lots of different parts of your life, so you are basically a new version of you. You really should be able to eat and shower though... I had a Velcro baby, so putting her down when she was tiny long enough to actually get anything done was really tough, but she’d have her morning nap in the sling, so that gave me time with my hands free to do essentials. Getting clean was mostly done when my DH was home - sounds bonkers, but he would hold DD and cuddle her so she could see me over his shoulder and didn’t get upset! If you have one that cries when out down, you get good at doing a lot of things one-handed or wearing a sling. They do also grow out out of it eventually and gradually get better at entertaining themselves, but I think when that happens varies a lot from child to child.

Basically, don’t martyr yourself. Maybe you have a difficult baby who needs a lot of physical contact, but you still NEED to look after your basic needs. If you’re not eating (and honestly, I can’t see why you can’t manage a one-handed sandwhich at least?) then you aren’t going to be much good to your baby.

Shower and food I sort of get, but unless you are a single parent there are ways round this.

Shower before your partner goes to/starts work. Or shower in the evening when they are done with work.

Make your lunch the night before, again when partner is around, and leave it in the fridge. Make something easy to eat with one hand.

DH even used to make me a thermos of tea before he left for work so I had warm tea all day.

The toilet point I don’t get, unless you are literally spending hours in there. If you think that’s hard with a baby just wait until you have a toddler and they follow you everywhere.

In my experience you don’t get yourself back until you stop breastfeeding. Until then you’re attached to your child due to regular feeds and your mind and body are being affected by breastfeeding hormones. It was only after I stopped breastfeeding that I was able to feel less clingy and tired, and less hungry so I could lose weight and regain my body. Unfortunately the main barrier in the way of “being me” is time and freedom - my children prevent me from doing things that I enjoy and find fulfilling. So perhaps I will only regain myself when both of them are grown up.

When I went back to work part-time at 10 months ish

I could never have left my newborn to cry alone for 10 minutes but we're all different and have different priorities- no one right approach! 👍

Jesus.