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Original poster

Can he do this?

57 replies

MummaJ32 · 03/08/2020 14:59

My son’s father is threatening to change my son’s birth certificate so he’s added onto it without my say so?

He’s only met my son once, when he was 3 months old, not before and we haven’t seen him since. I’ve heard through his family this is what he’s planning?

And also can he take me to court to take my son away? He hasn’t said this but I’m so scared that this is just the tip of the iceberg

My little boy is my world. It’s just been me and him always and I’m terrified

Please help 😥

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 03/08/2020 15:15

He can go to court to get added to the birth certificate.

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 03/08/2020 15:17

If he applied to court he could be added on the bc. But he can't just walk into a registry office and demand it! Does he pay Cms?

Bitchinkitchen · 03/08/2020 15:21

...if he's the father, he should be on the birth certificate. It's a legal document to record the details of your son's parentage and birth, it isn't about your relationship.

He also has a right to see his son, and more importantly your son has a right to see and know his father. The child doesn't belong to you, it may have been just you and him so far but he wasn't an immaculate conception - it takes two to make a baby, and those two have equal rights to that baby. Keeping your son away from his father is unfair, and unkind, to both of them.

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Original poster
MummaJ32 · 03/08/2020 15:31

Surely he can’t apply to be on birth certificate if he’s had no involvement in my son’s life though? No involvement of his own choosing.

OP posts:
Feralkidsatthecampsite · 03/08/2020 15:32

Sadly he can.

LastRoloIsMine · 03/08/2020 15:35

Jumping the gun z bit there Bitch

We have no idea why he's not on the BC or seen his son. He maybe have be like so many men who don't care about the children they father, he maybe abusive (which given his threats is likely).

OP as others have said he can apply to court but I think he will need to prove paternity but I am really not sure.

He can go to court for access but where there is no DV mediation is recommended first.

Can you explain more about the situation?

Original poster
MummaJ32 · 03/08/2020 15:37

If he applies to the court to get his name added, will I be notified of the application beforehand? And can I fight it?

OP posts:
Original poster
MummaJ32 · 03/08/2020 15:38

@LastRoloIsMine thanks I appreciate this message. He left me when I was 5 weeks pregnant and I did not see him until my son was 3 months old, and have not afterwards either, so he wasn’t around to be put on birth certificate and tbh I am glad as he is no sort of father.

OP posts:
LastRoloIsMine · 03/08/2020 15:40

If he proves he is the father then he can be added. As for you being notified you will have to be as your son will need a DNA (swab in mouth painless).

Has he given any reason for suddenly wanting contact and how old is your son?

Bitchinkitchen · 03/08/2020 15:40

@MummaJ32

If he applies to the court to get his name added, will I be notified of the application beforehand? And can I fight it?
The only way you could stop him from having his name on the birth certificate is if you could prove via DNA testing that he isn't the father. As i said before, birth certificates are legal documents, it's not about your relationship with him.
InkieNecro · 03/08/2020 15:41

No you can't fight it, it is a record of your sons parentage. The most you could do is delay it until a DNA test is done.

Original poster
MummaJ32 · 03/08/2020 15:44

@LastRoloIsMine no he hasn’t, my son is 3.5 years old. I am concerned only about my son, he is now at an age where he understands who is who and what is what, and I do not want my son upset or confused to see him once again and then not again for another 4 years nearly 😩

OP posts:
LegoMaus · 03/08/2020 15:45

He would have to apply to court and pay for a paternity test. If he’s the father you can’t stop him being added to the birth certificate. He would then be liable for you to claim maintenance payments from him. Tell his family that you intend to claim - it might put him off applying. And no he can’t get custody - he may get access though.

CodenameVillanelle · 03/08/2020 15:47

Why do you think he wants to get on the birth certificate? He's not bothered in 3.5 years, what makes you think he wants to take him away?
I understand your fears but if he's the biological father then he can be put on the BC but that doesn't automatically mean he gets contact. They are different things.

Original poster
MummaJ32 · 03/08/2020 15:49

@CodenameVillanelle he’s just not a nice person. He was never violent to me but he said awful things to me when I was pregnant and walked out. I do not trust him and feel that if he’s on birth certificate he will not give him back and there will be nothing I can do about it 💔

OP posts:
LastRoloIsMine · 03/08/2020 15:51

Mumma

Its clear you are concerned for your son but at the same time children with absent fathers can be emotionally damaged by it. Not all but some.

If you have the opportunity to support a relationship between them then I urge you to do so. However maintaining contact is not your responsibility only that you facilitate it.

I would have a think about whats really best for your son and put your own feelings aside when you do.

LegoMaus · 03/08/2020 16:02

Just because he’s on the birth certificate doesn’t mean he’ll get access. Even if he did, it would likely be supervised access to begin with.

Original poster
MummaJ32 · 03/08/2020 16:07

@LastRoloIsMine how do I facilitate it? I did this at the beginning, contacted for three months (tried to) and he wasn’t interested- then on his own terms met my son at 3 months. Didn’t see him since I just don’t want him to go through this again as my son will understand now 😪

OP posts:
Bitchinkitchen · 03/08/2020 16:10

@MummaJ32 let him go through the courts for access, and claim CMS, but don't stand in the way of him seeing his son if he wants to.

Was it a planned pregnancy? Did he want the baby? How old is he? It could be that he had some growing up to do and is now in a place where he wants to be a father?

BertieBotts · 03/08/2020 16:12

He can apply to be on the birth certificate, he can apply for access. He will NOT suddenly get full custody or even anything close to 50/50 - the interests of your son are put first and it absolutely would not be in his interest to suddenly make him spend loads of time with a complete stranger, even if he is his dad.

Try not to make out you are bothered by it to him, if you can help it. It is likely to cost him in money and hassle and if he doesn't think it's getting to you he may simply not bother. If it does get to the point of contact, then agree to mediation and just be very neutral and focused on your son's needs. It would start out little and often and likely supervised and work up to longer periods. Again when he realises it's having no great effect on you and children are actually quite a pain to look after, he will probably just disappear off the face of the earth again.

Original poster
MummaJ32 · 03/08/2020 16:19

@Bitchinkitchen yes planned, he did want the baby at first but then walked out, he’s 32 now.

@BertieBotts but that’s what I don’t want to happen, for him to just walk out again, it’s not fair on my son

OP posts:
LastRoloIsMine · 03/08/2020 16:20

Facilitate it by not being obstructive. This doesn't mean giving in to every demand but offer to set up a contact routine with him.

Maybe an hour in the park with you there until your son is more settled and your ex is familiar and safe around your son. At the end of the day this man is a stranger to your son.

Let him do the leg work. Tell him once he is on the BC you will support contact for the benefit of your son and you will apply for CM.
Remember you facilitate it dont organise it for him.

If he really wants to be in his life he will put in the effort to build the relationship with him.

Bitchinkitchen · 03/08/2020 16:22

@MummaJ32 unfortunately if you have a baby with a man, you have to accept that he can turn up and demand access whenever he likes. He has just as many rights to his child as you do, and unless he's an actual danger to his son it is inappropriate and unkind to try and prevent access. You'll also look really bad to your son when he grows up and inevitably is told by his dad that he wanted to see him but you wouldn't let him.

Original poster
MummaJ32 · 03/08/2020 16:23

@LastRoloIsMine thank you x

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 03/08/2020 16:28

I understand why you'd think this man has no place in your child's life- his behaviour so far has been really poor.

That doesn't mean he will be badly behaved going forward, and it is advantageous to your son to be able to access his father's family- which is his family too- in the future.

I'd suggest as a pp says, offer an hour in the park on a regular basis. If that is successful- and about your son, not the two of you, then extend it a bit.

The calmer you are, and the more accepting of the situation, the easier it will be for your son to process. Remember there are all sorts of 'fathers'. Your DS will accept a father that he sees occasionally, or one that he sees regularly. It will be the norm. Don't big it up, then there's no disappointment.