Can he do this?

[MummaJ32]

My son’s father is threatening to change my son’s birth certificate so he’s added onto it without my say so?

He’s only met my son once, when he was 3 months old, not before and we haven’t seen him since. I’ve heard through his family this is what he’s planning?

And also can he take me to court to take my son away? He hasn’t said this but I’m so scared that this is just the tip of the iceberg

My little boy is my world. It’s just been me and him always and I’m terrified

Please help 😥

he can turn up and demand access whenever he likes. He has just as many rights to his child as you do

Not true.
He has not been in the child's life for 3 1/2 years he cannot just turn up and demand anything. If he wants a relationship with his son then he needs to follow the proper route. That can be mediation and/or court.

Please dont believe the " your son will think you are a bad mum" crap. Its emotional blackmail designed to force you to give in to males demands.
The child's rights are what matter to court. You have proven yourself to be a good mum and primary carer. He needs to prove that despite walking away for the whole of the childs life so far he can be the dad your son needs him to be.

@LastRoloIsMine thank you lovely x

@MummaJ32

Surely he can’t apply to be on birth certificate if he’s had no involvement in my son’s life though? No involvement of his own choosing.

Well he did have involvement.....the night he was conceived

birth certificates are legal documents and they should reflect who is the father

I get he's been useless up till now - have you asked what his intentions are? Does he want to try and foster a relationship with his son? I can understand your reluctance if he decides to do a runner again but at the end of the day he is his father and both him and your son have a right to some kind of relationship? Maybe he's grown up over the last 4 years, maybe he's in a new relationship and she's given him a bollocking for the way he's behaved and now he's trying to put it right?

He can't just waltz in and take him away - you've been the boys full timer carer since birth - but he can go to court to get some kind of access

No worries Mumma I know its hard to suddenly see your family life change and you have no control.

You do have control and you do have to do what's right for your son. Children can be pretty good at adapting and you have to do whats best for him. A relationship with a good father is valuable to children ( same for mums).

As I said let your ex make the first step.

I wonder if a gf has brought this on?
You tend to find absent fathers pop back up when their new gf/wife asks questions about why they don't see their child, why have you never fought or gone go court. Its never an attractive trait if your potential husband ignores his own child/isn't bothered and has never seen them. Not good longterm partner/father material really.

He can definitely apply to court to get his name added if he wants to. You would be notified of the proceedings and you would have plenty of time to take advice. Some solicitors do a half hour free session but I wouldn't advise fighting that anyway. In respect of contact with your son, its likely after that kind of absence that a court would order indirect or supervised to begin with and move on from there.

I totally understand where you are coming from with your concerns about him suddenly re-appearing. I am all in favour of children knowing both parents - My dad abandoned my mum when I was 4 months old and I believe that some issues I've had emotionally do in fact relate back to that. It has definitely had an impact on me.

BUT - I fundamentally don't agree with parents who disappear, then re-appear a few years later having suddenly found some paternal/maternal instinct that was previously missing, and expect to just slot into a child's life with no consideration for the person who's raised them so far and no thought for the child who then has to get to know their own parent again. In a couple of cases that are within my circle of friends, dads have reappeared and disappeared multiple times and each time their children go through the most awful emotional upheaval.

So as much as parents should support their children to have a relationship with their other parent, I can definitely see why some don't/wont in these circumstances. My ex hasn't seen my children for two years. It took me 18 months to get my son to a stage where he was ok with it. If he re--appeared tomorrow I wouldn't welcome that because my sons mental health takes priority over his dads "rights".

Do you have evidence, emails or anything, showing you were trying to facilitate contact and he wasnt interested?

I bet he is in a new relationship and his new gf doesnt understand why he doesnt want to see his child. Thats quite off-putting in a partner.

Dont react at all. If he mentions it to you, then you calmly say youll wait for the court ordered dna test. Dont put anything in writing refusing contact. Always calmly respond in a reasonable way, eg he hasnt see the child since he was three months old so all access will be supervised by you and built up slowly. Maybe mention how the maintenance Payments will be a huge help for you in Providing for him.

I bet when new gf finishes with him, he will fuck off again.

@Serendipity79 Amen 👏🏻👏🏻 Couldn’t have said it better myself x

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB I have sent a text previously to his sister saying that as he isn’t interested I don’t feel like it’s fair to force him into being in his life, and that it’s a concern to me how he hasn’t seen my son in over 3 years and don’t want him to come back in and disappear again...

Am I buggered now I’ve written this to her? Because you mentioned about not putting anything in writing

Am I buggered now I’ve written this to her? Because you mentioned about not putting anything in writing

No dont worry i was just being overly cautious. Ive never met him and i dont like him. I dont think he is a good man at all and i wouldnt trust him. A d anyway what youve put is you wouldnt want to force him to be in his life because he isn't interested. Thats the truth. What i meant was dont send messages telling him you arent allowing him to see ds.

Have you gone through cms for maintenance?

Yeah you shouldn’t have sent anything to his sister.

In my experience, you’re better off not outwardly showing any resistance as often this is more a case of him wanting to win rather than him actually wanting to be a parent to his child. So if you show resistance it gives him something to push back against. Hope that makes sense. In your shoes I wouldn’t engage with his family or him at all. If he sends you anything just ignore it. The only thing I would respond to is a court summons. When you receive that you don’t contact him, you get a solicitor and go from there. Never engage with him. Tbh if he hasn’t been bothered for 3 years, he’s unlikely to want to spend the time, money and effort to go to court to get access- even if he does get his name on the birth certificate- he won’t get contact straight away, that’s a different court process and would take time starting contact off in very small chunks with you present. He would have to go through the steps the court outlines for contact to progress to a final order being made. It won’t happen overnight and he may have no interest in going through the process.

@Smallsteps88

Yeah you shouldn’t have sent anything to his sister.

In my experience, you’re better off not outwardly showing any resistance as often this is more a case of him wanting to win rather than him actually wanting to be a parent to his child. So if you show resistance it gives him something to push back against. Hope that makes sense. In your shoes I wouldn’t engage with his family or him at all. If he sends you anything just ignore it. The only thing I would respond to is a court summons. When you receive that you don’t contact him, you get a solicitor and go from there. Never engage with him. Tbh if he hasn’t been bothered for 3 years, he’s unlikely to want to spend the time, money and effort to go to court to get access- even if he does get his name on the birth certificate- he won’t get contact straight away, that’s a different court process and would take time starting contact off in very small chunks with you present. He would have to go through the steps the court outlines for contact to progress to a final order being made. It won’t happen overnight and he may have no interest in going through the process.

Yes this. Dont engage with him.

OP I had to post as I'm concerned you aren't getting accurate information from other posters. It's a long post so bear with me!!

I am a social worker and have been for 12 years and have also worked in the family courts for many many years including having involvement in cases such as yours.

Your ex can apply to have his name on your sons birth certificate and unfortunately if he is proven to be your sons father that will happen but that's a matter of parentage and doesn't automatically mean he has "rights" to your son.

If he applies to the family court for access, the fact he hasn't had contact for over 3 years will without doubt not be in his favour. It is likely that the court will order assessments by CAFCASS and if there are any risks, possibly Children's Services.

OP please don't be concerned about this as they will just want to know why your ex wants contact as if he is genuinely prioritising the needs of your son and if there are risks. Even if he is allowed contact this could start off as supervised and will be done at your sons pace.

This is clearly very emotional for you OP and I also have personal experience of this and what I would say is try and separate the issues you have with your ex with the fact he wants contact with your son (easier said than done I do understand).

What the courts will be looking for from you is that you are not being deliberately obstructive in trying to stop contact because it's painful for you.

Of course there's a chance your ex may be totally unsuitable and a risk to your son but that will come out in assessments.

If this is not the case it is possible that some men who don't always start off as good fathers can change and prioritise their children's needs; I've seen it happen (both professionally and personally).

Whatever the outcome part of your role as your sons mother is explaining what's happened to your son as he gets older but not letting your own issues/fears cloud that or believe me your son won't thank you for it when he's older.

Lastly please don't worry about your ex getting custody of your son, it's not going to happen unless you are proven to be a huge risk to him and your ex turns out to be father of the year!

You will get through this I promise. Also if you need independent advice the Family Rights Group are amazing.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you and your son

@MamaJR2019 Hi, thank you so much for your message. I really appreciate it- yes it’s very emotional for me - I do panic that he will take him away from me. I feel like that will happen no matter what people tell me as if he gets on birth certificate, I can’t stop him. I just feel completely lost. X

If I explain how parents have children removed from their care then hopefully that will give you some reassurance. A child has to be deemed to be at risk of significant harm for that to happen and contrary to what some people think the removal of a child can only happen if the police intervene and place a child under police protection (these are usually the very serious, immediate risky cases) or the court makes an order.

Now you have obviously cared for your son for 3 and a half years without I'm assuming any concerns so NO court in this country is suddenly going to give your ex custody, particularly as he hasn't even had contact. You are your sons only carer so please take comfort in this.

Your ex is probably just making empty threats but even if he isn't there is a process and he won't just be granted access just like that as that could be potentially harmful to your son.

Also please avoid any contact with his family as a previous poster advised; it's unlikely anything positive will come from it.

Allow your ex to prove his commitment to your son and see whet happens regarding whether he pursues a court application.

In the meantime please speak to The Family Rights Group as they will give you free independent legal advice and hopefully some reassurance.

@MamaJR2019 Thank God someone with a clue has pitched up!

OP - I used to work in private and public law Children Act proceedings. Do not let the birth certificate be the hill you die on - if he is the father (and you seem not to be disputing this) then he's entitled to be on the birth certificate: ultimately, you can't prevent it, and if you try to, you'll look obdurate and won't do yourself any favours.
That said, the responses upthread about him having 'equal rights' and being able to 'turn up and demand access' simply by virtue of being the child's biological father, is so patently ridiculous it's - almost - laughable. Some 'Fathers for Justice' spidermen on here, clearly. His name on the birth certificate isn't a passport to anything - not contact; and certainly not residence. You are your child's primary carer and have been since birth. Your son does not know this man from Adam. Not only is he not entitled to unsupervised contact, he shouldn't have it as it would be profoundly unsettling for your child to suddenly spend time with a complete stranger. There's not a judge in the land who would order that. It might start with indirect contact - cards, letters, pictures; small gifts - or possibly time in a contact centre (typically an hour or so to begin with). If your ex were able to demonstrate a commitment to this kind of contact (and many don't) it would be incrementally increased until he was able to have the child for a few hours, unsupervised. Eventually, staying contact might be permitted. But that's waaaaay down the line. So calm down and hold tight. If he wants contact, he will have to prove himself - not you. But be cooperative with whatever agencies become involved.

Well said @KittyHawke80!

Remember OP, when dealing with solicitors and courts that the focus of every decision is “what is in the child’s best interests” that’s what you have to approach every decision with at the forefront. This is the mantra. This is the judge’s priority and they will want to be sure that your decisions and motives are entirely about what is in your child’s best interests. So if you object to contact happening or increasing to overnights for example- you have to express your objections in a way that presents it as not being in your child’s best interests and explain why.

Thank you so much @KittyHawke80 & @MamaJR2019 ❤️❤️❤️

I think what was said on this thread by most poster was pretty accurate. We just said it in a less drawn out i am an expert way.

Don't you just love the experts that rick up and piss all over others

OP good luck with everything x

@MummaJ32

Thank you so much *@KittyHawke80 & @MamaJR2019* ❤️❤️❤️

Yeah, don’t worry about the rest of us that took time to advise you during your difficult time.

Yes; I so wish I'd been able to give my "I am an expert" opinion in a 'less drawn out' way: say, over half a dozen posts as opposed to my own, er, one?
@MamaJR2019 and I were seeking to reassure the OP with the benefit of professional experience. There's a spot of spurious advice on here, but the only person I'm 'pissing on' is the person who told the OP that her ex had equal rights and an automatic right to contact. I suspect it might be helpful for her to know what a massive pile of bs that is.

but the only person I'm 'pissing on' is the person who told the OP that her ex had equal rights and an automatic right to contact. I suspect it might be helpful for her to know what a massive pile of bs that is.

She was already told that plus most of the other stuff you and the other expert said.

Its not the repeated advice its the "oh gosh the experts are here all is saved" crap.

It's glaringly obvious from the fact that you're curiously wedded to the word 'expert', what your real problem is.
Best of luck, anyway, OP. I think everything will be fine, honestly.

KittyHawke80@ I totally agree.

I was thinking how lovely it was that most people were just offering the OP support (apart from one misguided individual) even though they may not have professional experience and I never gave a thought to rubbishing that so I'm a little puzzled as to why myself and KittyHawke80@ have come under such criticism and are being accused of "pissing all over" others posts!

But OP let's keep this about you and what you're going through. You WILL get through this although it may not feel like that right now

Is it??

I thought I was just pissed at how 2 posters came on with their "professional" ( is that a better word?) Opinion and basically said the same stuff others had already said.

But hey you soo ooo expert you know my thought process 🤣