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Original poster

He doesn't want more children?

16 replies

Mammia16 · 29/07/2020 16:10

So I've been with my boyfriend 4 years. We have a 17 month old son together. We've always talked about kids and always said we both want more than one.

Well now he's saying he really doesn't know if he wants anymore but it's something I feel strongly about. I really really want more children! I've told him it isn't fair for me to stay with someone and not have anymore because that's what they want, it'll only leave me with regret! He says I'm selfish for what I've said.

I just want some opinions

OP posts:
binkyblinky · 29/07/2020 16:27

You can't for e someone to have another child, it's unfair on them and the child.

Better to end the relationship if you feel that strongly about it and find someone who wants more children.

My ex didn't want our second son, he cheated on me when baby was months old, we split soon after x

TheVanguardSix · 29/07/2020 16:34

Your little one is only 17 months. Why don't you revisit the idea of another baby when your little one is 2 or so? It might just be too soon. It is pretty exhausting stuff, raising kids. Maybe your partner doesn't feel like he could cope with number 2 just yet. But down the line, he may feel more 'in the zone'. It's not all about him, of course, but hopefully, you'll meet each other halfway.

ikus84 · 29/07/2020 16:36

Neither of you are selfish or wrong, but I don't think it's something you can negotiate really. If you want more children more than you want to be with him then you'll have to leave him.

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purpleboy · 29/07/2020 16:41

How old are you? I agree that maybe now isn't the right time for him and maybe once your DS is a bit older your boyfriend will feel differently, but that's not to say for sure he will change his mind. I would personally give it some time and see how you feel down the line a bit, maybe once your DS is at school?

Starlight39 · 29/07/2020 16:42

What are his reasons? Things are pretty full on with a 17m old so unless there's any need to do it again quickly (eg your age) then I'd suggest to him that he keeps an open mind and you leave it 6 months then discuss again.

A friend of mine had this discussion with her DH, at one point she told him they could be looking at divorce. In the end, when their DC was a little older he said he was open to it and didn't mind either way - he'd be happy to do it if she wanted to. She ended up deciding by that point, everything was working really well in their lives and they had a really close circle of friends with DC so her DC had lots of company and she was happy with just one.

Oly4 · 29/07/2020 16:45

You can’t force him but I’d be devastated by this news. I would have been so upset not to have more than one child, I don’t know if I’d have been able to get over it as there would be so much resentment towards my partner.
Could you ask him to think again over the next six months?
Then you will know his decision and you can make your own

ShyTown · 29/07/2020 16:56

Unless you’re older and time isn’t on your side then I’d ask him to keep an open mind buy take the conversation off the table for now and revisit it when your son is 2-3 years old. If he’s saying that’s him done forever then it’s your decision to make whether you want to stay in the relationship but it sounds more like he’s just not sure yet and given how young your son is, hopefully this will resolve itself. Just my personal experience but we both found 12-18 months a nightmare and would tell anyone who asked that we were probably done, now ours is 3 we’re both ready for another baby.

Original poster
Mammia16 · 29/07/2020 17:06

I'm only 27 and he's 29 so I know there is plenty more time for us to have children. I don't want them anytime soon myself it's just I know for definite at some point in the future I do want more and it's just upset me that now he's saying he doesn't know.

His reason, which tbh I do completely agree with is money. We don't struggle to look after our son by any means but if we added another child into the mix we would. With me only working part time. I've tried to explain that eventually I will be full time and may get a better paid job in the future and he may get one too but he can't see past that.

It's just heartbreaking to me as I imagined more children.

OP posts:
ShyTown · 29/07/2020 17:30

If a 2nd would be a struggle then it sounds like he’s just being pragmatic about your finances. I don’t know if we can afford it, if that’s what he is saying, is very different to a final I don’t want any more children. Also, have you looked into what the finances would look like if you planned the age gap around when the funded nursery hours kick in or your eldest will start school so you can work without your salary being eaten up by 2 lots of childcare fees? It might be more affordable then he thinks! I totally get the desire for more children but you’re young and your son is still tiny so I don’t think pushing for another baby right now, when you realistically can’t afford it is a very good idea.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/07/2020 17:40

Only the both of you really know your finances. I think 17 months is still very young and it’s daunting to think of adding another baby into the mix. Is he open to seeing once your LO is 2 or is he adamant?

Original poster
Mammia16 · 29/07/2020 17:53

I do completely understand were he is coming from with the financial side to it but I haven't given him a timeframe. I realistically want another when my son will be going into reception so a long time yet. It's just the fact he's said at all in the future he doesn't know what he wants

OP posts:
AgeLikeWine · 29/07/2020 18:02

He is entitled to not want more children and he isn’t in the wrong.

You are entitled to want more children and you are not in the wrong.

Given that you are both so young, it is probably sensible to park the issue for a couple of years. Then, when you come back to it one of you may have changed your mind. If so, great, crack on. If not, the reality is that you want different things from life and this could be a deal-breaker.

Good luck.

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 29/07/2020 18:42

For what it's worth I am with you OP. My mum was an 'only' .. she is 81 and still laments not having a sibling.. you are not wrong .. but neither is he..

You may need to leave him and have a child with someone else.

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 29/07/2020 18:47

An I just add a caveat to that.. DO NOT have more children if he doesn't offer marriage.. unless you have a private in one or earn significantly more than him (which won't be affected by pregnancy) doesn't cost a lot.. £215 for a registry office to protect your rights!

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 29/07/2020 18:48

In one = income

ivfdreaming · 29/07/2020 18:58

You can't really expect him to agree when financially he's already made it clear you can't afford another one - especially when he is bearing the brunt of the financially responsibilities presumably at the moment? Best thing to do is get back to full time work when you can and he'll gradually see that you CAN afford it especially when 30 hours childcare kicks in

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