Help! Boyfriend (Who Doesn't Want Kids) Suggested Parenting Compromise. Is it crazy....???

[BexWimbledon]

So my boyfriend of a year and a bit has said he doesn't want kids (he said he did when we first met but has since changed his mind as is now content with the situation as is). He already has a daughter and although he loves her, he doesn't find spending time with her interesting. He misses her when she's not there but finds time with her mentally exhausting. I want kids in the next year, he doesn't. BUT he has said that he will still have them if he can be a bit more distant with the parenting. He has said he will take care of the house side of things (cooking, cleaning, laundry etc) but i would take more of the childcare side. He would do some nappies and warm bottles etc or any task that was quick but he finds playing for ages boring and said would want lots of his own space. Has said family day trips ok but then would need space after.

I am 39 this year and so considering my options. We get along great and this is the best relationship I've had but I've always dreamed of a 'team' for a family so wondering if this option could possibly work or if I need to end things and hope i can find someone in the next couple of years to have a child who wants to be more hands-on and interested.

Any advice of experiences or thoughts would be gratefully received!!

He'd be happy to cook for the child too

Christ on a bike, where are your standards and self-esteem?

Take a step back and have a read of that and let it sink in. This "thoughtful" guy, who sounds like a real prince among men, would be willing to make the sacrifice of ensuring his child is fed.

Being a good parent means being there for the shit bits. It means making sure they brush their teeth and do their homework. It means teaching them that temper tantrums and shouting and screaming aren't how you should behave. It means helping them navigate their way through tricky friendships and not making enough effort at school. It means putting up with teenage hormones and them being utter beasts and loving them and supporting them anyway, because it's part of growing up.

Anyone who is not prepared to do that, is a shit parent. And he is telling you that he wants your permission and agreement that he will be a shit parent.

If you have any respect for yourself, and any compassion for an as-yet un-conceived future child, then you will know that you cannot agree to this. If you do, then it makes you an equally shit future parent, because you are knowingly signing a child up to a relationship with their father that is completely inadequate - and all of the anguish and detriment and harm that this will cause them.

OP, god forbid something happen to you in childbirth (yes it’s rare but it can and does happen), would he be capable of bringing up the child? What life would he/she have?

bishybarneybee l actually agree with you - my dad loved me and my sister but he left most of the parenting to my mum unless we were really naughty then he stepped in. Just how it was but really not the end of the world. At least this guy is honest and like pp have said you aren't getting any younger OP. My DH has got an older child and when we found out we were having a baby, he was a bit whoa, too old for that,not sure it was what he wanted blah blah, actually we bumble along nicely. I do the lion's share but that works for me - he adores DD and he contributes in other ways. Different strokes for different folks.

You already know what a shit parent he is

Don't inflict that on any other children

get pregnant, dump him.

become a single mum, because thats exactly what you will be anyhow very soon

get pregnant, dump him.

become a single mum, because thats exactly what you will be anyhow very soon

You might be happy to accept this sort of division of child rearing responsibilities but please think about what is best for your child. I actually think being a single parent using a sperm donor would be better for your child’s mental wellbeing than having a father who is emotionally distant and to feel unloved and unwanted.

Insane, no. He doesn't want kids.

I know someone who did something a bit like this. She wanted a second, aged 40. He is quite a bit older (and autistic if that has any relevance). They had an arrangement about division of labour because he didn't feel he could pull his weight with a second. When she first told me, I was quite shocked, but from what I can tell, it works for them. She's a very capable sort of person and works part time for a decent wage, but actually their clarity around division of work seems to have worked for them in lockdown. They each has clear working times and childcare times, and in their working times were not disturbed by small children. He probably does as much as a lot of other Dads who make bold claims of being equal.
The bit that worried me was that he could say 'you wanted this kid, get on with it' and say it with impunity due to their arrangement. But he doesn't seem to have. I've also never heard anything that makes me suspect he favours the first, just that he was worried about managing his work on no sleep.

I would say a huge no to this and to probably end it. I say this because children clearly bore him (I don’t doubt he loves his child) but still, she has a shelf life entertainment wise it seems.
I have 2 children with my partner and he is a wonderful father and great boyfriend but even I have days where I want to scream at him because he isn’t helping me with them as much as I’d like on certain days, you will want time to yourself just for a break and if this is what he’s like now, you will resent him believe me.
I don’t want this to sound horrible at all just hope this is useful advice.

I think before you become a parent it’s really hard to imagine / visualise just how important it is to have breaks, time to yourself and someone else to share the load with. For your own sanity, you will NEED time to have a bath, go for a walk to get a break from the house, go and get your hair cut, eat a meal in peace every so often, see your friends, shop for clothes for yourself occasionally, work, go to the gym...etc etc. You cannot carry the load of childcare all by yourself. Resentment will grow and grow, that he gets to have time to himself because he wants it, while you pick up all the slack. You will likely feel completely undervalued, taken for granted, overworked, knackered, irritable, stressed and overburdened. You might suffer post natal depression. When your child is in bed you will want to use that time to have silence and time to do what you want - you won’t necessarily want to do things with your partner in that time because you just need a minute to yourself. He might get grumpy that you “never do anything together anymore” etc. The relationship suffers. The gap between you widens etc. This is all just hypothetical but is stuff you need to really think about. I don’t think anyone in the family would benefit from the situation he’s suggesting.

No no no no no! Out!