Help! Boyfriend (Who Doesn't Want Kids) Suggested Parenting Compromise. Is it crazy....???

[BexWimbledon]

So my boyfriend of a year and a bit has said he doesn't want kids (he said he did when we first met but has since changed his mind as is now content with the situation as is). He already has a daughter and although he loves her, he doesn't find spending time with her interesting. He misses her when she's not there but finds time with her mentally exhausting. I want kids in the next year, he doesn't. BUT he has said that he will still have them if he can be a bit more distant with the parenting. He has said he will take care of the house side of things (cooking, cleaning, laundry etc) but i would take more of the childcare side. He would do some nappies and warm bottles etc or any task that was quick but he finds playing for ages boring and said would want lots of his own space. Has said family day trips ok but then would need space after.

I am 39 this year and so considering my options. We get along great and this is the best relationship I've had but I've always dreamed of a 'team' for a family so wondering if this option could possibly work or if I need to end things and hope i can find someone in the next couple of years to have a child who wants to be more hands-on and interested.

Any advice of experiences or thoughts would be gratefully received!!

I honestly don't see the problem if he is otherwise a good guy and he is good with his daughter. You're allowed to feel emotionally drained with small kids, doesn't mean you don't love them.

@PineappleSquosh

You would be no worse off with an uninvolved father than you would as a single mum. At 39 those are probably your only two options 🤷‍♀️

It's about the child, not the OP. A child would be infinitely better off without such a destructive relationship with a parent. Our self esteem has its foundations on how our parents treat us. This approach would have profound ramifications for the mental wellbeing of any child.

OP, at 39, if you really want children, this man is not an option. That's the decision to make. You have time to meet someone else, you could pursue the sperm donor route (I have three friends who have done this and are very happy single parents), you could decide you'd rather remain childless and in this relationship. But agreeing to this proposal would be profoundly wrong.

Jesus, is this the best you think you can do?
How lovely for your child to grow up knowing their father doesn't give a shit and what's worse, that their mother knew this and had a baby with him anyway.

If you do have a baby, don't live together. Be a single mum with a boyfriend. He doesn't want to be a dad.

You deserve better than that, and so do your future children.

It's about the child, not the OP
Choosing to have a baby is about what the mum wants, not the baby. Otherwise abortions wouldn’t be permitted because they definitely aren’t in the best interest of the baby. People have children because theywant them. And people bring babies into less than ideal situations all the time - are you suggesting those people shouldn’t be allowed to have babies?

OP, please please don't bring a child into the world with him for a father. It will screw up the child. Imagine a little child who wants to play with Daddy or wants a bedtime story from Daddy and Daddy isn't interested in what they're doing or doesn't want to interact with them. That situation would detrimentally affect any future relationships that the child may have, and probably lead them to have unhealthy relationships themselves.

If you want a child, bin him off and move on. Use a sperm donor if you like, but please don't have a child with this guy.

While I'm on, that's nice that he brings you flowers, and I'm sorry that you haven't had that in any prior relationships, but that does not make him a good guy. He's a rubbish Dad to the child he has, and my heart breaks for her.

@PineappleSquosh

It's about the child, not the OP Choosing to have a baby is about what the mum wants, not the baby. Otherwise abortions wouldn’t be permitted because they definitely aren’t in the best interest of the baby. People have children because theywant them. And people bring babies into less than ideal situations all the time - are you suggesting those people shouldn’t be allowed to have babies?

I would suggest to any woman who told me she was thinking of having a baby in a bad situation that she didn't. This thread is offering advice and most people are saying exactly that.

Thanks all, it's difficult to explain as he said he would enjoy the bedtime story part and he'd enjoy family activities like days out, parks and board games etc but it's the small everyday stuff that he says he'd enjoy less. He drove 2hours especially to see his daughter in her school play, got caught in traffic and missed it, so cried that he'd let her down. There are emotions there so it's difficult to get a full picture of what it would actually be like or how 'distant' he actually wants to be.

Fair enough if he was violent or dangerous and would cause problems for OP, then I’d say don’t have a baby with him. But he’s just a bit of a deadbeat. A deadbeat dad is a lesser evil than missing your last chance to have a baby.

But i think you're all right. the bottom line is that he says he doesn't want more children. However much there may be parts that he may enjoy, i need to listen to what he's saying.

My husband and I had completely different ideas of making our family. He was desperate for his own children and never considered any alternative. I on the other hand hated the idea of being pregnant and was not a huge baby person so wanted to adopt a child aged 4-6. We can up with a solution to have 1 biological and then adopt later on, we both compromise and both get what we want. What you are describing though isn't a compromise on parenting but merely a 'solution' to your desire to have a child. There are many other ways to have children that wouldn't potentially make the child feel unwanted by one parent. I'm sorry but I don't think this is ideal long term.

Do you have experience of newborns and babies? Theres a long way to go before you get to bedtime stories and family trips out

No it's a terrible idea he'll use this everytime he doesn't want to do something. It will affect the relationship he has with dc and therefore could affect their future relationships. If dc are important to you you need to end the relationship in order to have dc.
I conceived via doner insemination and don't regret it if I was you I'd start looking into it - put your name on a waiting list as it may take a while you can always back out if you met someone else/decide it's not for you.

Either stay with him and accept you won't have children together or break up with him and try to find someone else

These are the only two options has his suggestion is absolutely nuts and I can't believe you are even considering it. I was expecting someone in their late teens to be asking this not someone of 39 years old

I mean, I'd say no to this in all honesty. To start a family both parents should be excited and really want it initially.

However, I do feel that people are being quite harsh here. He's being honest about how able he feels to parent again and it sounds like he loves @BexWimbledon and is trying to reach a compromise given how keen you are to have a baby.

Plenty of parents find parenting mentally exhausting and wouldn't rush to do it all over again. I don't think that makes him a dead beat particularly.

I know someone who made a similar deal. Luckily he did get more involved when baby arrived, but she still did the lion’s share. My first thought when she told me (shortly after baby was born) was “But that wasn’t yours to barter away; that was your baby’s time with his dad.”

I didn’t say that to her, but I did say something about how every time he didn’t do something it wasn’t her he was letting down, it was their dd.

I don't think he sounds awful, he's being honest. BUT deliberately giving your child a father who is likely to be emotionally distant and uninvolved is a recipe for disaster. I'm sorry.

I think people are being a bit harsh. Kids are mentally exhausting. I would like some space too after a long day out. Reality is though, that you cant just turn them off.
Just imagine everytime you have a family day, you get home and he goes to the sofa to watch tv while you wrangle the kids for the rest of the day and make dinner at the same time.
Are you ok with that?

@LilaButterfly, i hear what you're saying and agree, it would be me wrangling kids after a long day out but he would be the one doing all the cooking. He does ALL the cooking at the moment for the two of us and said he'd be happy to cook for the child too.

If you have a child with him and you’re left to handle all the night feeds, all the nappy changes, all the weaning mess, all the toddler tantrums, all the 4.30am wake up calls, watching endless Peppa Pig while waiting for the sun to come up; and there’s him just cherry picking the ‘fun’ bits, acting like dad of the year because he went to a school play - you will quickly come to despise him.

Also your child will notice that he doesn’t really give a shit and that will be terrible for their self esteem. Kids will enjoy a fun day out at the zoo with any old fair weather auntie or uncle, or father. But when they’re sick or tired or sad, they want someone who they can go to and feel safe and protected and nurtured. Not someone who’ll hold them at arm’s length like a stinking nappy and get someone else to do the dirty work.

You know, I'm not convinced it's such a terrible idea. I keep coming back to the fact he's been very honest with you. There are worse qualities in a relationship.

And bluntly - you're 39, you might not be able to find another partner to have kids with, you may not conceive anyway - there are a lot of unknowns here.

It's far from ideal, but lots of women start off with what looks like ideal then realise they haven't actually got what they signed up for.

I'm obviously in the minority here, but I'd be trusting my gut in this situation. If you look at how he is with his daughter, and your instinct tells you it would be OK, I wouldn't rule it out.

Can’t see what the issue is. He’s being honest. Having kids is tough, boring, draining etc and he’s already done it so doesn’t want to start again with the drudgery of young kids. He doesn’t want any more but is prepared to go along with it if you want to.

Hell, in his shoes, I wouldn’t even offer that as whilst I’m perfectly happy with the two I have and I love the ages they’re now at, I’d never want to start again.

It’s up to you. Might be the only opportunity you get to be a parent or you might decide to hold out for a different deal - donor, new partner.

No he would be a parent and need to step up - what would happen if you got ill or injured or died - would he just send her into the system??? She /he is not a pet. He needs to grow up and understand being an adult sometimes means doing boring things for the overall reward

Oh if hes happy to do the cooking, then thats ok then.