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Original poster

Help! Boyfriend (Who Doesn't Want Kids) Suggested Parenting Compromise. Is it crazy....???

112 replies

BexWimbledon · 29/07/2020 14:56

So my boyfriend of a year and a bit has said he doesn't want kids (he said he did when we first met but has since changed his mind as is now content with the situation as is). He already has a daughter and although he loves her, he doesn't find spending time with her interesting. He misses her when she's not there but finds time with her mentally exhausting. I want kids in the next year, he doesn't. BUT he has said that he will still have them if he can be a bit more distant with the parenting. He has said he will take care of the house side of things (cooking, cleaning, laundry etc) but i would take more of the childcare side. He would do some nappies and warm bottles etc or any task that was quick but he finds playing for ages boring and said would want lots of his own space. Has said family day trips ok but then would need space after.

I am 39 this year and so considering my options. We get along great and this is the best relationship I've had but I've always dreamed of a 'team' for a family so wondering if this option could possibly work or if I need to end things and hope i can find someone in the next couple of years to have a child who wants to be more hands-on and interested.

Any advice of experiences or thoughts would be gratefully received!!

OP posts:
Tlollj · 29/07/2020 15:14

You can’t be this selfish.
You are considering wilfully having a child with a man who is emotionally distant.
The child will grow up don’t forget.
Possibly to be emotionally distant themselves.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/07/2020 15:15

You sound lovely and you still have lots of options if you choose to leave him.

Really? Not sure it's 'lovely' to choose a shit father for your child, in full knowledge that they are shit.

PineappleSquosh · 29/07/2020 15:16

At 39 I’d have a baby with any mentally sound and reasonably attractive man, even if he did zero parenting. It’s far from ideal but the alternative is probably not having one at all.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
AntiHop · 29/07/2020 15:17

My desire to have a child is very strong, so I'd probably have a baby and then leave him, given your age.

MinorArcana · 29/07/2020 15:21

This sounds like a recipe for causing resentment for you, and then there’s the impact on the child to consider.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 29/07/2020 15:24

He has only just realised this has he, how old is his child strange he didnt know this lied to get in a relationship with you when you first got together. Id go ahead and have the child given your options are limited now, but dont be surprised if the relationship doesn't survive as seeing a partner behave like his is extremely unattractive.

FortyFiedWine · 29/07/2020 15:31

@AntiHop

My desire to have a child is very strong, so I'd probably have a baby and then leave him, given your age.
This is truly terrible advice. Please don't use him as a sperm donor. You won't just get to keep the child all to yourself and live happily ever after. It's entirely likely that you'd have to share custody. Imagine having to pack your child off to this man every few days, when he's at best a reluctant father and at worst completely self centred and lazy.
Spannwr1971 · 29/07/2020 15:32

What a knobrash, seriously. He finds kids mentally exhausting, don't we all. They're tedious, boring and relentless. You can't have the good bits without the erm.. challenging bits. My four year old is recovering from a towpath based, scooter related melt down as I type. It's part of being a dad.

Mybobowler · 29/07/2020 15:33

To PPs noting her age and suggesting she do it anyway - you realise that this is about the child, right? My father was an absolute deadbeat and useless bastard of a Dad - it doesn't matter to me how much my Mum wanted children, he's my father, I'm stuck with him and the baggage he's left me with. As I and other said - if OP wants a baby, do it alone with a donor.

Greenphonegirl · 29/07/2020 15:34

You would resent him!! Its utterly draining and exhausting on its own you would then i assume have no social life, not be able to pop shopping on your own i guess?! The list goes on. Absolutely not a chance!!

VettiyaIruken · 29/07/2020 15:35

How do you think a child would feel about having a dad who clearly didn't give much of a crap about them?

It'd be better to as pp said use a donor

Lelophants · 29/07/2020 15:35

If he's like this now, imagine him when there is a baby! Sorry op but no :(

IAintentDead · 29/07/2020 15:36

There are plenty of Dads who are like that anyway. At least he is aware of how he feels about parenting. And he's at least currently happy to take on more of the housekeeping which again isn't true of all men.

What does he think he'll be like when the kids are older. Some people are not good with young children but enjoy them being teenagers for example.

Also what are his views on discipline would he leave that to you. Would he back you up. How will he cope with a baby that is crying all night etc.

He sounds like he is prepared to do some things at least but I think, if you are considering it, you would need at least to know a lot more about how he thinks various scenarios would pan out.

It could work - I doubt many women would choose this though.

IloveBeefJerky · 29/07/2020 15:36

Blimey, how selfish do you have to be to even consider bringing a child into this situation?

frazzledasarock · 29/07/2020 15:40

No.

So he gets to be the ‘fun’ parent who dips in and out of the fun, easy parts of having DC.

Why does that appeal to you?

Cut your losses and find someone to have a child with who wants children and to have a family and home life not someone who goes off for their ‘me time’ whilst you spend all your time chasing after a child because ‘you wanted kids and he didn’t’

He’s setting the scene to ensure you can’t complain when you’re on your knees with exhaustion and he’s sitting on his arse on his play station. And you can’t ask for help or resent him because he told you he wasn’t going to be a parent or partner in this relationship.

Ditch him find someone else.

Tappering · 29/07/2020 15:42

Are you crazy? What a dick.

You'd be better off going to a sperm bank and doing it solo.

Original poster
BexWimbledon · 29/07/2020 15:46

Wow, thank you for all the comments. He is actually a nice guy, he's considerate of my needs and brings me flowers and treats, just because, which no other boyf has done. We get on incredibly well and when his daughter comes to stay he plans out the whole weekend to make sure she has a good time. They go on trips to the zoo, the park etc. But everyone here raises good points: what if I got ill, what if i just needed a break, what if i was getting super stressed, what if the kid needed help with homework, what if the kid really wanted to play with him...would he step up in those situations... I would never want a child to feel like their Dad just wasn't interested in them.

OP posts:
VanillaFrais · 29/07/2020 15:47

If you go along with his plan then you will end up resenting him and feeling utterly guilty for choosing this man to father your child. You'd also have an unhappy child who knew that their father was reluctant to spend any time with him/her. And that's just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the emotional turmoil this man and his selfish attitude would inflict on your child. I would also be surprised if he kept up his side of the bargain of doing all household tasks. He sounds like a prick. And he also lied to you when you first met him when he said he wanted more children. He's wasted a year of your precious time.

I would leave him and go it alone with a sperm donor tbh.

Bishybarnybee · 29/07/2020 15:49

I know a couple who did this - two women, the older one had grown up children already. I could see it would be hard to throw yourself into bringing up young kids when you thought you were done with it.

Over the years their roles converged a bit and the old one did get more involved, but it wasn't easy, especially during the sleepless nights stages.

However, it's not unusual for there to be one parent who's more into the hands on parenting than the other - not always the woman, either. Lots of women, many of whom would consider themselves happily partnered, parent with less help than you're describing. And kids are mentally exhausting - so maybe he's just being very honest with you?

But going into it knowing it would be that way is a big leap. What is he like with his daughter?

Bishybarnybee · 29/07/2020 15:50

Older, not old!

PineappleSquosh · 29/07/2020 15:51

You would be no worse off with an uninvolved father than you would as a single mum. At 39 those are probably your only two options 🤷‍♀️

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/07/2020 15:55

@PineappleSquosh

You would be no worse off with an uninvolved father than you would as a single mum. At 39 those are probably your only two options 🤷‍♀️
It's not about her, it's about the child. It's much worse to live with someone who doesn't care about you than not.
TenShortStories · 29/07/2020 15:55

Right now it seems reasonable because the focus is on a way of getting a much wanted child for you. When you were actually holding you child in your arms and he wanted nothing much to do with it I think you would feel outraged on his/her behalf, especially if he is managing to dig deep and somehow find the energy to do things with his first child (despite not enjoying it). He would quickly become someone you despised.

SimonJT · 29/07/2020 15:55

Does he think any parents out there skip with glee when they hear the words “Lets play pretend”?

At least he has told you, dodged a bullet there

LonginesPrime · 29/07/2020 15:56

YWBU to deliberately have children with a man who has already told you that he would be a shit father and emotionally distant.

It's tantamount to child abuse to knowingly bring children into that situation and it has a very good chance of fucking them up for life.

Every child deserves to feel loved and wanted.