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Parenting

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Original poster

How far is the quality of the relationship that dh has with the children my responsibility?

66 replies

emkana · 30/09/2007 19:58

Don't get me wrong, dh is in many many ways a great father. Always home for dinner at 6 pm, does bath time, reads bedtime story, we go for family outings at a weekend...

but I sometimes feel that he doesn't actually listen when the dd's are trying to talk to him (always nose in a book/on PC), he's not really big into playing with them...

and I'm inclined to nag him about those things which he resents. And I'm thinking now should I really just leave him? So far I always felt that I sort of owe it to the children to try and get him to buckle up so to speak, but maybe I'm going completely wrong there?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Anna8888 · 30/09/2007 20:02

Don't nag him .

But do try to explain to him, in a calm, analytical way, what the children are trying to tell him / what they mean by certain behaviours and what he should have understood. Try to teach him how to listen to them by making it interesting.

Original poster

emkana · 30/09/2007 20:13

I'm not sure I know how to do that...

OP posts:

scattyspice · 30/09/2007 20:18

I think as long as you are listening to them thats fine. As they get older (how old are they?) they will let him know if they want something more from him.

Remember Dads parent in a different way to Mums (more physical less focused or something) which is why its good to have both.

Sounds like he's there plenty which is good.

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Anna8888 · 30/09/2007 20:19

Then you need to learn.

You need to look very hard at what your DH is and isn't doing with the children, compare it with what you do and with what you would like him to do, and give him concrete examples of what he did and what he could have done better, in a very calm, reasonable, friendly way .

Can you write down here an example of something he didn't do that you felt you would like him to do?

Original poster

emkana · 30/09/2007 20:26

Yes but Anna dh feels that he already is and does what a good father should be and do. So he feels I should just back off. And the children are happy and well-adjusted etc. (they are 6,4 and 1) so his point is - what do I base my demands on?

OP posts:

Lorayn · 30/09/2007 20:31

I totally understand your position emkana, I sometimes think DP doesn't listen/speak to DD properly, she will sit at the dinner table and try to tell him something and get a grunt in reply (he is great in the ways you have mentioned too) I have to kind of coerce him into speaking back to her!! It isn't that he doesn't care, just doesn't really know what to say and thinks that as I am good at it, I may as well do it, same with me and playing rough and tumble I suppose, I don't do it, but he is good at it so it his department.

I bet there are parts of bringing up the children that he is 'better' at than you, maybe you could encourage him to do something he would find interesting with them? (DP loves lego) and spend the first few times joining in, encouraging DC's to talk to him during the play time, then slowly extra ct yourself from these times.

DP knows when I am getting fed up with him not paying much attention because I tell him it's time for some daddytime and go off to escape to the bath or pop round the shop, anything to make him pay a bit more attention.

Also, are you a SAHM?? I know when DP gets in, he loves to see the children, but wants them in bed asap because he is tired from a hard days work, he may just be totally wrapped up in work and stressed out and just need some time to chill out (DP often spends his chill out time in front of a computer/games console too)

Original poster

emkana · 30/09/2007 21:34

Yes I am a SAHM

OP posts:

Anna8888 · 01/10/2007 08:43

I base my demands on wanting our children to have excellent speaking and listening skills (and admittedly my partner does get cross with his sons' poor articulation, interrupting etc) and showing my partner how the children copy his poor habits . In the past it was very, very easy to find examples of awful, inarticulate and boring conversations [shocks] that they had and I showed my partner how, when he spoke to them with greater interest and articulacy, he could first of all insist that they responded in kind and also raise the level of interest of the conversation.

Does your DH think the children are perfect?

Lorayn · 01/10/2007 08:50

Unless there are other reasons to want to end the relationship, I think that it is drastic action you do not need to take. You just need to find a way around him, to get him to do what you think he should be doing, either my way, annas way, or another way, it is hard to know what to suggest as I don't know your husband, but you do, so you need to think of something that will hit home with him, even if it just an excuse to get a larger picture sorted.

IdrisTheDragon · 01/10/2007 08:58

I don't think emkana is thinking of leaving her DH - I think she is wondering whether she should stop "encouraging" him to interact with their children in different ways.

Lorayn · 01/10/2007 09:01

She said in her op "And I'm thinking now should I really just leave him? "

IdrisTheDragon · 01/10/2007 09:04

I think she means stop nagging him - ie leave him to be how he wants to with them. I hope so anyway .

Lorayn · 01/10/2007 09:05

lol, I hope so, makes so much more sense if I read it that way

chopchopbusybusy · 01/10/2007 09:14

Lorayn, I read the OP in the same way as you! I was a bit shocked, but then I've seen so many posts on MN like "DH picks his nose and eats it. What should I do?" This would be followed by ten posts saying "Leave the bstrd, he'll never change."

Emkana, I wouldn't bother nagging. He sounds like a good Dad in other ways. Enjoy the family outings and relax. My DHs relationship with our DDs has changed over the years and he takes a much more active role in listening to them now that they are older.

AngharadGoldenhand · 01/10/2007 09:19

I think you should relax a bit and leave it.
As scattyspice says, as they get older, they will demand more and most likely, get more from your dh too.
It sounds like he's a pretty good dad as it is.

My dh does less than yours (long hours at work) but I consider him a fantastic dad and the girls interact really well with him.
(They're older than yours and not shy about speaking up and getting his attention! )

Original poster

emkana · 01/10/2007 09:23

God no I wasn't planning on leaving him! Just stop nagging him.

Anna, yes, dh thinks our children are perfect - he genuinely feels that they are everything they could be and that they get everything they need.

OP posts:

Anna8888 · 01/10/2007 09:25

OK, I understand - my partner doesn't think his children are perfect, doesn't think he's a perfect father and generally likes the idea that he can improve his relationship with them.

Not sure exactly how I would go about it if my partner thought the children were perfect and his relationship with them was perfect.

Original poster

emkana · 01/10/2007 09:30

See and this is the thing - I can't point to anything that the children do/not do and say to dh "If you did this, they would do that" I just have a general feeling that it would be "good practice" so to speak to change a few things, and he feels that he already does a lot.

OP posts:

Anna8888 · 01/10/2007 09:35

Can you give a very concrete example?

robin3 · 01/10/2007 09:55

My Dad was consistently disinterested and to be honest I felt it and it made me feel insignificant to him. I think this has influenced my relationships with men over the years. My parents had a great marriage though so everything was stable.

If I were you I'd be very specific about one initiative that your DH can do so maybe for 1 hour at the weekend he organises a giant wrestle for all or a film afternoon where the two eldest can sit with him and chat? I think the children need to feel that he finds them entertaining and interesting...especially the eldest now they are 6. Maybe he'll surprise himself and enjoy it.

I think lots of men view fatherhood about the functional...feeding, clothing etc. so don't be too harsh.

Original poster

emkana · 01/10/2007 14:04

Oh I don't know it's difficult to explain because I think he comes across worse in this thread than he is. He does have a laugh and a giggle with the children and shows an interest in them, we do have dinner together near enough every day and he talks to them then, so...

what I mean is

I feel he should dedicate some time at the weekend to sitting down to say play games with them

reasonable yes or no?

OP posts:

Anna8888 · 01/10/2007 14:15

Yes, ideally every child should get one-on-one time with both its parents regularly - and for working fathers with long hours in the week, that means every weekend.

This weekend my partner took his younger son to school on Saturday, then came back and had breakfast with me, our daugther and his elder son, then took his elder son out on an errand for him for a couple of hours. In the afternoon he took all three children out for over three hours to a park (without me) then in the evening all five of us went out for dinner. On Sunday did homework with the elder son, gave a bath to our daughter, played on the XBox with both of the boys, we all had lunch together and then all five of us went on an outing to a castle and for a walk before getting a takeaway on the way home. He then played a bit more with the boys before having a bath with our daughter.

I'm fine with that level of involvement. How does it sound to you?

Meeely2 · 01/10/2007 14:16

anna, you're just showing off !

codswallop · 01/10/2007 14:17

emkana cos kdis are borign whne they are small

codswallop · 01/10/2007 14:18

youll fidn as htey get past 7 they HAVE to do stuff wiht their kid that they both find intersting
dh atn is particsing ds1s school play audition
fixed his inner tube
is takign him to cricket coahing etcetc

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