How far is the quality of the relationship that dh has with the children my responsibility?

[emkana]

Don't get me wrong, dh is in many many ways a great father. Always home for dinner at 6 pm, does bath time, reads bedtime story, we go for family outings at a weekend...

but I sometimes feel that he doesn't actually listen when the dd's are trying to talk to him (always nose in a book/on PC), he's not really big into playing with them...

and I'm inclined to nag him about those things which he resents. And I'm thinking now should I really just leave him? So far I always felt that I sort of owe it to the children to try and get him to buckle up so to speak, but maybe I'm going completely wrong there?

OK, I have read most of the thread (the beginning anyway) and I would suggest that you'd have a nice non confrontational chat as the others were saying.

Basically you just want the children to grow up with the confidence that they can play and talk (about anything) with both parents, not just you. And you want your husband to be a 'confidant' to the kids just as much as you do, because (I'm taking with your voice now: I want the kids to look up to you when they grow up and to be able to talk with you about anything'. So you can give your chat a very positive spin. Does your husband play chess? maybe he could show the game to your children and they can play together.

rather than risk sounding like you are criticising dh for doing parenting wrong (dunno about yours but mine always digs heels in even more firmly if criticised) could you find something he would WANT to do with the dds at weekends? most men like being able to teach kids sthing, which leads naturally to talking/listening to them, but maybe cos they are girly girls he feels he cant teach them stuff he wants to like football (sorry this is v stereotypical but this is how my dh thinks and also how my dad did). does he have any interest in gardening? my dad did it with me and my sister when we were little - even under-fives can shove a sunflower seed in the ground and something'll come up.

dh and i are poles apart in what we think is ok. Unfortunately my dh sees spending time with teh children as a "waste of time" and "dossing" so I get to do it all. Interestingly if he's going to "fiddle" with the car he asks ds to help him now or will sometimes suggest a game of golf with him but never dd

Ah the OP sounded a chord! My DH doesn't answer my DS1 when he is repeatedley trying to get his attention and then when DS1 ignores DH Dh gets MAD.....
I have pointed out the double standard..... H

To be honest, I think your partner sounds just fine. I'd love for mine to be able to be home by 6 every evening!

I don't think there's anything wrong with what he's doing. I read loads while DS is around and as far as I'm concerned I'm setting him a good example by teaching him that books are great. (And Closer magazine, cough cough). You have slightly different parenting styles, that's natural and I don't think it's bad for kids at all.

But there's a difference between sitting reading or on the PCwhile DCs are happily building something out of lego or colouring in the same room and doing the same when people are trying to talk to you.

The thing is the dd's are mostly very very good at keeping themselves occupied, which is the reason I think that dh feels he's free to do other stuff. He does have conversations with them while we're eating and when he gets them ready for bed.

It's interesting that some of you feel what he's doing is okay, because that's what I'm beginning to think, but I'm still not sure whether I should.

Yes dh is terrible when he feels he's being criticized...

thats interesting about fathers and girls. I know a few fathers who even though both partners work full time let the wives take their daughter to dance classes, parties etc at the weekend. I wonder if they had boys would they get more involved? Or at they just lazy?? Lots of mothers I know take their sons to sterotypical male stuff.

I agree with cod. And honestly IME as children get older and adopt more hobbies and interests there is bound to be some stuff they do that strikes a chord with your dh.

eg both my sons are learning the guitar - both have just started this term at their respective schools (one at secondary the other at primary). They twang around on a guitar at home. I know nothing about guitars but dh does, and suddenly as if by magic, he has another connection with them.

I think your dh sounds just fine.

I think he should be left to form his own relationship with his children, and not be made to feel he has to follow their mother's example.

It is very annoying to be told by your partner how you should be dealing with your childre.

The only thing that's really important imo is that he does listen to them and show an interest in what they tell him. Robin3's post about her father's disinterest struck a chord with me. DH is actually quite female in that he's very verbal and chats with the dd's a lot. He's pretty up on the world according to them and I'd kind of taken it for granted but I now realise I'm lucky as it's really important to me (Toots makes note to acknowledge DH for this next time she's looking for a lie-in).

We both mainly do chatting with them. I do tickling and some role play type games, he's always up for doing art stuff. But chatting's what we're all good at. In fact I wish we'd all bloody shut up sometimes.

So what I'm saying is, I think yes, it's your responsibility to guide him into better listening. He just needs gently telling - perhaps when he's just listened to you nicely, that it's lovely to be really listened to and that you feel it's very important to listen to what the girls are saying to him.

No-one wants to be told how to relate to their kids. But if you see them more (and have thought a lot about how you parent?) you might have differnet or even just more specific ideas. Ime the best way to get that across is to either act like he's doing what you wish he would already and say 'Ds really likes it when you....' ; or have an actual discussion with him about parenting ideas, what works, etc. Worth a try?

I think if they are seeking his attention then he ought to turn away from the pc or put down his book and give them his time. They'll probably go away again in a minute or two.
I like to sit at the pc, like now, or read a book, but if I didn't pay any attention to them at all when I was doing it then there'd be havoc.
Also I'm surprised they let him ignore them, I know mine don't (3.10 and 14 mths)
Surely he can find a game to play with them, or a special dvd to watch for some quiet time or something, that way he may be able to sneakily read his book while snuggling up on the sofa.

He shouldn't ignore them, it's just plain rude, and for their dad to do it

Have a word with him about how it must make them feel. And don't let him say thedon't know, cos they do.

Maybe this is the amount of input his dad gave and that is why he thinks it is enough???
Also he may have been ignored. I think a chat beginning with I know it pains me to see it so it must hurt the dc's feelings, don't you think???

My child's only a baby at the moment and I'm not a SAHM just on maternity leave right now. But I've found what works for us to all talk more recently is to all go out to the park. Or you could ask your dh to take the dds somewhere very local for an hour or so. It's very easy at home for one or both of you to get caught up in the PC/a book/TV/ hobby stuff, and assume the kids are ok if they're not making clear otherwise, while you're walking to the library or something it stops other distractions.

We've been meeting up and walking home from a park or a local shopping area 20-40 mins from home and baby's happy and we talk about stuff, whereas if we both go straight home he's often grizzly and we end up collapsing in a heap or dealing with his routine.

I do understand how it can feel when you've been at home all day and he just wants to come back and do his thing.