I tried to do something nice.

[Nawilotf]

So fed up. I got my kids a paddling pool from Argos for any warm days. Today's looking good. Excited 5 year old wanted it out. So I told her I would get it out straight away if she sits in the living room with her two year old brother whilst I filled it. I said they had one chance. If they followed me outside whilst I was filling it then it won't happen. She agreed..

I blew it up in the kitchen. Took it out the patio door and started filling it. They was watching me. Then 2 minutes later she opened the patio door and they both were charging towards me. So I turned the hose off. Tipped the tiny bit of water in it out and took them in. She started screaming. Having a meltdown. The toddler was also screaming.

I couldn't get her to calm down. When she did calm down abit I reminded her again. I wanted to fill it. Then put suncream on them whilst it warmed up and change my son's nappy and get them both into their costumes. So therefore now we can't do it.

She started screaming she will be good. But ive said no now. I've told her that when her dad's home we will have to do it as she has proven it's not safe for me to do it alone without another grown up to help.

So now I've got two hot miserable kids. But it's impossible to do it safely when she won't listen. Our gardens got steps and stones and I didn't want the toddler leaping in when I still need to go inside again for stuff.

Nothing is ever nice 😡

Put them in it with toys while you fill it

@HalloumiSalad

I'd say to them, 'maybe we made the wrong plan, and you didn't manage to make it work. I don't want you to miss out on all that fun for one mistake so let's make a new plan. Mummy only tells you what to do for good reasons so it is important to do as I ask but looking back perhaps we could have made a better plan that you would be more likely to get right. Let's fix the mistake, help me get suncream on the toddler and then we'll fill it together, then you have made amends and we can start again'

Or something like that. Then she learns that even grown ups can hold their hands up to their part in things going pear shaped, and she learns that mistakes can be mended so she needn't be full of anxiety about putting a toe wrong, and the day can get back on track.
Then you might get a few minutes to have a cuppa while they play.

I would agree with this. I totally sympathise with you about safety etc, it’s so stressful. Maybe think if you can do things in a different order when you have had a minute to regroup. It’s a nightmare being alone with two young kids — sending you strength, patience and solidarity!

I'm trying to get her to listen more as she's been abit defiant lately

Don't blame your DD for your poor parenting. Your expectations of a 5 year old who is excited by a new toy were totally unreasonable. She's not defiant, she's just not able to follow your instructions, because you are asking her to do something she is not mature enough to manage. That is ironic, considering how immature you sound. Ruining a 5 year old's excitement because she isn't showing you enough respect is pathetic.

It was you who sucked the joy out of 'doing something nice', not your DD.

They were probably both super excited about the pool - that's great! But they are too little to really understand delayed gratification. They don't understand why it's dangerous for them to be around water unsupervised. Watching Mummy fill the exciting paddling pool is much more exciting then telly!

I think it was unrealistic to expect them to sit nicely while they knew Mummy was doing something (to them) super exciting outside.

You'll know for next time to put their suncream on first. I've learnt that this summer too complete with screaming fully clothed kid having a tantrum about why she can't get in the pool! But today isn't ruined. You can apologise to your kids, ask them to apologise for what they did too. Then all have a big cuddle and pop your suncream on and head outside.

Lockdown's making everything seem bigger than it is. Are you getting a break from your kids at all OP? You mentioned your partner, is he doing his fair share?

You aren't a shit parent, but your approach here clearly didn't work. I used to like being involved in filling my paddling pool with whichever of my parents was doing it. I very clearly remember it in the garden of our first house, which we moved out of in early 1970, so it would have been probably 1969 and I would have been only three if that. I liked to be involved, especially with something so exciting. Yes, of course we all got wet , ready or not. That is half the fun of it all.

You are coming across as very unnecessarily defensive.

To be honest though, I think it’s a bit unrealistic expecting a five yr old to wait while sth exciting like getting pool ready is happening. But we don’t always realise that in the moment — I wouldn’t have realised it when my dc was 5.

You sound really stressed. I can relate.

To be honest I'd have probably sorted the nappy / suncream / costumes and then blown up the pool. Then you could have gone outside all together and supervised them whilst filling the pool. This is a good example of why not to give a punishment that has a negative consequence for everyone involved, not just the person being punished and results on having to back track on the punishment which is less than ideal

OP I've just read another of your posts and I really think you should consider getting some help from your GP for the anxiety and depression you seem to be experiencing

So I told her I would get it out straight away if she sits in the living room with her two year old brother whilst I filled it. Why? Just why? They are small excited children and you need to take joy in sharing their excitement, get them to help you with it, have some fun and not make arbitrary rules just to show you have control over them. Weird - just weird. Have some fun with them!

Your instruction was simply way OTT and wholly unnecessary. Poor little scraps - I feel really sorry for them. I hope that this is not your approach generally to their upbringing.

I know you will dismiss this advice - but here it is anyway: loosen up and share some fun with your children. They will thank you for it and you will enjoy yourself. Save strict instructions for situations where their safety is at stake. If you had not issued such an inappropriate instruction, then you would all be having a happy morning now. You need to get inside the head of a small child and try and think how they are thinking.

Unclench and start again!

Simple advice op?

You sound tired, brittle and overwhelmed. Five and two are hard work. But an incredible fun age too. You don't sound like you are enjoying them much. Are you? It doesn't sound like this is about the pool, but about much bigger. How to get your children to comply.

You have high standards of parenting, as I do.

There's a difficult transition from absolute control of babies to helping our toddlers & children learn appropriate behaviours & to evaluate risk themselves. I remember clearly a picnic with my then toddlers through gritted teeth where. We. Are. All. Going. To. Have. A. Nice. Time!

They will continually be set targets, in behaviour, and challenge, and education, and sport as they grow by us as parents and teachers, and themselves that they must be allowed to fail safely. I'm not talking about letting her drown. I'm talking about giving her a job eg of carrying the towels.

Here's what has worked for us, with boy/girl/boy, now 14/12/9. Less than 2 years btwn big 2,but little one was Dangerboy by nickname for a reason) autism ADHD). Daughter did as she was asked. House rules as for all, from talking:

1. Listen and follow instructions
2. Use manners and don't be rude
3. Take care of people and things
4. Have fun

Asked politely to do something - once
Next told firmly to do it - 'name X, reminder, I've asked you once'
Next, Made to do it - 'name X, I've asked you, and told you, do I have to make you? if I have to make you, you will go into time out'

Except for any physical harm committed by them deliberately*, in which case, remove from harm, time out, stay with them, explain why you are unhappy with behaviour.

*we used to say 'we don't hit or kick' until clever kids retorted 'I didn't, I slapped him😕 so the list became ridiculously long' we don't hit, kick, slap, pinch, pull hair or otherwise hurt in ways not mentioned'

Always give an opportunity to correct behaviour, and always check both hearing & understanding. Eye level communication, all that good stuff.

'children who just don't listen/obey' can often be those who have a sensory processing disorder. They genuinely have not heard/registeted what you've said.

Please don't reject some of the advice you've been offered by pp. Their advice, and all the effort you are wanting to spend is actually all intended to same effect - your kids having fun.

You've had a lot of constructive advice here, but your replies focus heavily on the criticism. That attitude is heavy to carry around all the time and colours everything, it seems you were seeking validation for being angry (and your morning did not sound fun so your feelings are understandable) but you got constructive advice instead, which to be fair is probably more helpful though less comforting... based solely on where I was headspace-wise when I felt like that in the past, I think it might be you need some extra support to have a bit of a spring in your step so to speak. You sound like you're doing your best but maybe need to take a step back from taking things so personally.
I hope you get there, life's a slog otherwise.

Try and remember OP that 5 year olds aren’t perfect. They make mistakes, just like adults do. She made one mistake this morning... she was impulsive and overexcited. She didn’t get a chance to rectify that mistake.

I'm single parent with (just turned) 8 and 4 year olds. They bounce off everything and there are constant accidents. There is absolutely nothing I can do but warn them, and remind them. They have to amuse themselves sometimes, and eldest has to "babysit" youngest whilst I do the endless chores... and things like filling up the pool. It's tough OP I get it. When mine were little I thought it'd get easier but it doesn't, they just get more daring!

What I do re:pool is get them ready first. Suncream, cozzies etc.... then get them outside running about or in the pool whilst it fills. Give them a couple of minutes each with the hose then it's your turn. You get longer because you're the biggest!

I think you know you overreacted but I get why you did. I think you're a stressed out mum and weren't in the mood for them testing you. Deep breath and give them one more chance.

Ruining a 5 year old's excitement because she isn't showing you enough respect is pathetic

Seriously?!

A 5 year old should be able to sit quietly for a few minutes whilst the adult sets something up! She should be doing this in school. In assembly. If one of them shot up and started whizzing about they would be told off. My 3 year old sat good as gold for an hour during his school concert last year. I was amazed but they were all expected to do it and wait their turn to perform - and they did!

The bit I don't agree with was her reaction afterwards... but I'm guessing she was stressed to hell and I've reacted like that many times this lockdown! My eldest will absolutely scream in my face when he is told off. I usually calm myself down and try again. No one can perfectly parent all the time.

I honestly don’t understand why everyone has jumped on you like a pack of rabid dogs OP. It’s good to provide advice but a lot of these people are being very rude and critical and then wondered why you’ve jumped on the defence.

It's raining here!

Why can't they watch quietly whilst it's being filled. Not to go in! Then indoors to get ready.
They are excited. Whilst filling its a good opportunity to talk through the dangers of the paddling pool and clearly state the rules.
They just want to be involved and most of the time my 2 will listen more if you give a little back to them.
Have a lovely day in the sun ☀️

I am sure the OP is fed up because no-one has really validated her actions. I hope she realises that this is not because people want to criticise, but because many recognise that there was a much better way to proceed this morning.

My children are grown up now and I look back at all the mistakes I made then - and at the top of the list was simply not having enough fun with them because I wanted to be in control of the situation all the time; almost as if was afraid things would run riot. I got better at it the more children I had! - but I really hope that some of the advice on here will help the OP to be able to look back and think - that was fun!

I know it is hard not to feel overwhelmed by little ones who are starting to feel their feet as independent people in their own right, and who seem to have boundless energy! - but there really is fun to be had and wonderful memories for them to stack up for the future. My AC talk endlessly about the little things that they enjoyed - not the big things (holidays etc.) that I might have expected them to remember, but stuff like making perfume (it stank!) from flower petals, being hosed down in the garden by Mum and Dad, making a horse out of a cardboard box etc.

I am with you in spirit and really do know what a challenge it all is. Maybe you could start again on the paddling pool - get them to decide who is going to do which job: turn the tap on, find the cossies, find the water play toys etc. - I hope you can retrieve the bad start to the day - and that the sun stays out!

A 5 year old should be able to sit quietly for a few minutes whilst the adult sets something up! She should be doing this in school. In assembly. If one of them shot up and started whizzing about they would be told off

Sure, most 5 year olds can sit quietly for a few minutes in a routine environment like school, when they are under the continuous supervision of an adult. But that's very different from the excitement of a new toy and when the child has been left alone (am not criticising the OP for leaving her in the kitchen - it sounds perfectly safe - but the point is that there wasn't an adult there to reinforce the instruction to wait).

In any case, my point wasn't really that the OP had asked her to wait, but the way the OP is framing her DD's behaviour. I work with a lot of families in difficulties, and using "defiant" and "respect" are massive red flags when talking about kids this young. They are a way that adults with fragile egos re-frame normal childhood behaviours to brand the child as abnormal and the problem, instead of recognising that for a young child not to follow instructions is normal, and quite often caused by unreasonable expectations from the adult (as here).

This is absolutely not about saying that adults shouldn't set boundaries - quite the opposite: inconsistent boundaries are often part of the problem. It's about the adults recognising that it is normal for children to overstep boundaries at times and that, when they do, it is not because they don't "respect" the parent or are "defiant"; it's because they are children.

who seem to have boundless energy

Yeah, I have wished a million times that all the spare energy young kids have could be siphoned off for later use, to get them out of bed in the morning when their teens, or - even better - to revive knackered parents

Can’t you put the baby in a play pen while you fill it and let the 5yo help you? She’s excited. Think you’ve bitten off your nose to spite your face tbh

@MrsNoah2020

A 5 year old should be able to sit quietly for a few minutes whilst the adult sets something up! She should be doing this in school. In assembly. If one of them shot up and started whizzing about they would be told off

Sure, most 5 year olds can sit quietly for a few minutes in a routine environment like school, when they are under the continuous supervision of an adult. But that's very different from the excitement of a new toy and when the child has been left alone (am not criticising the OP for leaving her in the kitchen - it sounds perfectly safe - but the point is that there wasn't an adult there to reinforce the instruction to wait).

In any case, my point wasn't really that the OP had asked her to wait, but the way the OP is framing her DD's behaviour. I work with a lot of families in difficulties, and using "defiant" and "respect" are massive red flags when talking about kids this young. They are a way that adults with fragile egos re-frame normal childhood behaviours to brand the child as abnormal and the problem, instead of recognising that for a young child not to follow instructions is normal, and quite often caused by unreasonable expectations from the adult (as here).

This is absolutely not about saying that adults shouldn't set boundaries - quite the opposite: inconsistent boundaries are often part of the problem. It's about the adults recognising that it is normal for children to overstep boundaries at times and that, when they do, it is not because they don't "respect" the parent or are "defiant"; it's because they are children.

This is actually really helpful analysis thanks

The 5yp could have stood and held the hose as the water filled the pool up.