First time mum to be in need of some reassurance... are the first months really so bad?

[Marghe87]

Hi all,

I am a first time mum to be, feeling very excited and curious to begin this new adventure. Over the past few months, I have been speaking to lots of people and reading (too) many forum discussions about the first few months of parenthood and I seem to notice a general trend of people feeling extremely overwhelmed, stressed, at times depressed and overall not enjoying new motherhood at all.
Whilst I completely understand that all these feelings are very common and also natural, I was hoping someone could share a positive story and maybe help me look at things with a different outlook? I am fully aware of the fact that every mum and baby are different and we each have our own personal circumstances and ways to react to life challenges but I just wish there was more positivity out there.

I found that people often want to share negative stories to "keep things real" but, actually, that has now become the trend and I struggle to come across people who look at things in a different way.

Thank you in advance,
x

Hiya i had my first baby a year ago, and i have to be honest when they say nothing prepares you for it, it's true, nothing does. Your life will be turned upside down and it can be HARD. But, nothing prepares you for how amazing it is too, there are absolutely fantastic moments and you will grow into a stronger person and will not believe just how strong you can be!! I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard though.

I don't think the posts are negative, they're real and often made by people who, because it is a massive culture shock, especially for FTM's, want to seek advice that what they're feeling is 'normal'. That can only be a good thing because internalising the feelings is counter productive. This wouldn't really be the place where someone would make a post just to say how great things are, maybe for fear of getting flamed or maybe because it doesn't really fit the bill of advice?

You can't tell how you're going to react until it actually happens and what your baby is like. Sleep deprivation, a tiny human relying on you with no instructions or verbal ways to communicate with you apart from crying, for me, my partner going back to work straight away, pain from recovery and hormones everywhere and a crazy MIL didn't make me the happiest person in the world for a bit. I'd have been furious if I read about people painting it out to be amazing beforehand, definitely need realistic expectations and anything else is a bonus!

That said though, being a mum is the most amazing thing in the world, challenging yet massive rewards when you start to see them develop, knowing you helped them with that. This comes with time though, the first bit where all they do is sleep, eat and toilet is relentless.
It's not sunshine and rainbows and an exciting adventure IMO though. It's a journey, full of learning, curveballs and massive ups but that's not to say it's not hard because it really is. He's definitely the best thing I've ever achieved thus far and I'm so proud of him.

Yes, I'd agree with @mylittleavalon - it is hard, but it is amazing. The main thing to remember is it does pass and it gets easier by degrees. There may be tougher phases again, but usually quite short.

IME, and I had relatively 'easy' babies, you won't know which way is up for at least 6 weeks, just go with it and do what you need to do to get through. Overall the hard bit is a pretty short stretch of time in the scheme of things. Wishing you all the best with your baby!

@beansontoast20 yes I totally appreciate that people need this space to seek advice and share their feelings but I am not just talking about this forum. I see this everywhere and also in "real life", most people want to warn you that your life will hell for a while and it's going to be the hardest thing you have ever done (often people who went on to have a second or a third child). It is all a bit scary and also quite confusing for someone who hasn't experienced this yet and I think getting there with a positive mindset is key.
I am not trying to ignore the bad, I just wish there was also more focus on the good, as I am sure there is a lot to talk about there too.

It’s the best thing ever.

But at 4am when you’ve had thirty minutes sleep, the hardest too.

Oh absolutely, for me it was more of the scary birth stories that I had to block out so I do see where you're coming from. I think having a realistic balance is a good idea but some people do try and make out like it's completely devoid of any good when it has some wonderful parts too.

All the best with your baby!

A friend said to me that whatever is hard will pass in about 6 weeks, the next phase may be hard too but in a different way so you sort of get respite.

It turned out I was so grateful mine had arrived safely at all, that the hard stuff faded a lot. Let people help and don’t bother cleaning for in-law visits!

I found my first ok. She was quite chilled. I found a baby and toddler hard as my second dd was hard work and that had a knock on effect on my toddler. It can depend on the temperament of the baby. You probably don't hear from parents who are finding it easy as much as they don't want to make others feel bad.
I watch a programme about a US family who had 19 kids in 24 years and they seem quite happy and functional so it can't be that bad! (The Bates Family)

To be honest I had a very different experience than most. Neither of mine wanted to sleep on me they slept well in a Moses basket or pram so my hands were free Andi could meet people for coffee and go shopping and for walks. As both were bottle fed and only woke once or twice myself and dh had a routine ( I went to bed early dh did 11:30 feed then I did the 3 am one) . I also had over 3 years age gap so the first was in free preschool when the second was born. I look back on their early weeks with fondness.
This is not to be smug , you get the baby you are given. My mum had one amazing sleeper (me) and one who at 33 still hasn't slept through the night!

The experience is much easier if you have help. A father who does his share. A decent employer who gives him paid paternity leave. Grandparents, aunties and uncles who will babysit to give you a break. Even if they just sit downstairs with the baby so you can go to bed for a few hours.

Mental breakdowns occur when new mums are left with no support so they can have a rest. Looking after a baby round the clock without a break or a decent amount of sleep is physically and mentally destructive. Particularly when it’s your first baby so you’ve never experienced it before - it’s a huge shock to have a normal life one minute then suddenly have it snatched away. I firmly believe that PND is simply a normal reaction to having your freedom, your sleep and your body suddenly taken away.

I found that lowering my expectations meant I was happier (only worked this out by dc2 though). I thought I needed to be washed, nicely dressed, house ok, baby in matching outfit, out for nice walk/baby group daily. The reality was he wanted to feed and sleep and both of these involved me sitting with him for long periods of time. I could do this successfully! But felt guilt at how long everything took and how little I was getting done (having been used to achieving more at work). So I made things harder for myself than maybe they needed to be.

I've got three children (all under 5) and my over-riding experience is that it depends on the baby.

My first I had a terrible time with breastfeeding and the first six weeks were quite stressful. But we moved on and then things were really pretty easy, he was a lovely baby and slept through the night at 10 weeks. No dramas.

My second was a really really hard baby. He had everything - colic, reflux, wouldn't feed, wouldn't sleep, screamed all the time, hated the car seat, hated the crib, hated the pram, hated me. It was a hard hard time and I was completely overwhelmed. I can't even remember a lot of it because I wandered about in an exhausted, miserable daze most of the time. He didn't sleep properly until he was two.

My third is just an angel. She is nearly 8 months and has been the easiest, happiest baby ever. Despite the situation (two other young children/Covid) I've found her arrival really easy to cope with and even through she's not a brilliant sleeper she has such a sunny disposition that I don't mind. I have loved having a young baby this time.

So In my experience only 33% of the time were the early months really tough. And from friends I know that my experience with my second wasn't the norm.

It's much more likely you'll be fine that it isn't, so don't let horror stories worry you. Ditto with births. In my 'mum friends' group we have 11 children between us and none of us had a terrible experience. Yes they varied in how they went, but they were all absolutely fine. So ignore the horror stories there too. I'm also the only one who had a really really tough baby.

I had my first baby 5.5 weeks ago. It's honestly not bad. You can get tired and a bit overwhelmed but you love them so much it doesn't matter. The first week can get a bit emotional and you worry all the time. The worry is probably been the worst part for me. Even when you're tired you are still so happy to see their wee face.

I have a 6 month old.
While it's stressful at times, I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm quite lucky to have a "contented" baby. For the first 3 months he slept most of the time and cried so little I was considering taking him to the doctor about it.

He certainly has discovered his voice now and is much more like a "typical" baby these days, but I'm still enjoying new motherhood.

I guess it depends on you and your baby. If you have lots of experience with babies you would have a bit more idea of what you're going to be experiencing.
It certainly isn't "abandon all hope", but it is challenging at times.

I’ve had two and honestly the newborn phase was the easiest. Both slept well in their pram/basket/crib. Woke for a feed then went back to sleep again generally. Was able to go out for lunch, coffee etc. They woke up for feeds at night but I breastfeed and it was easy to transfer back to their cot after a feed. Also I could nap during the day while they slept.

DC1 did go through an evening colicky phase which was hard during it, but it just meant an hour or so of pacing around whilst she was very upset then she would go to sleep for a decent stretch at the start of the night.

Things got tougher for me around 3.5 months and sleep regressions etc started!

Now I have a one year old and 3.5 year old and that is much harder than a year ago!

I think it’s as well to be prepared for things to be tough as it might be. I certainly did a lot of reading of forums to try to prepare myself.

I think I’ve been lucky but going by other babies around me I don’t think it’s uncommon to have a contented newborn who sleeps well.

As awful as all the posts must sound from new Mums, unfortunately they are true. It can be incredibly hard with your first child, but is also amazing too. I felt like I'd been hit by a bus when I got home from hospital, and it is just such a massive shock and your life as you knew it completely changes. The sleepless nights are hard, trying to get your baby to sleep can be frustrating and I remember feeling desperate for some time to myself.

What really annoyed me is that all of my friends with children had never told me this. Everyone only seemed to tell me the good side of things, so it's even more of a shock when you suddenly have this new baby and the experience is not quite what you'd expected. I wish people had just been honest with me so I could've known what to expect.

On the plus side, there are so many amazing times, and so much joy when you see your baby growing up and learning to roll over, walk, talk, make friends etc.

DS is 2 and was a dream baby, I fed on demand, he napped and slept well and was generally content. It can go either way but I'm glad DS was easy, I was able to finish my dissertation and ultimately my degree just a month after he was born 😊

Chances are if I ever get the opportunity to have a second baby they'd be the devil incarnate though

My second baby was a good experience. Textbook easy pregnancy. But I was induced due to my age. It went okay. But as hospital was too busy to induce me at 40 weeks as planned, the baby arrived 6 days later than expected and my OH couldn't take the full 2 weeks paternity leave for work reasons. This meant, in a very cold January with a 1 week old baby, when temperatures were -1 in the morning, I had to get myself up and out to do the school run for DD1, a 2.2 mile round trip (can't park her school so have to walk). It was physically tough, especially at first, but fantastic, I thoroughly recommend getting out and walking, even if you don't feel physically or mentally ready. I will always remember my practice walk with OH pushing DS snug in the pram, and me standing at the foot of a small incline giggling like anything because I couldn't walk up the tiny hill, my body just wouldn't do it. Three days later, I walked two miles no problem.

By spring time I felt like supermum, had lost loads of weight, didn't have PND like i did with my first baby. I really enjoyed those early months.

I am convinced being very active, getting fresh air was the key for me. Might be different things that help you.

Hope you find lots more stories to give you a positive point of view.

Depends on the support you have and the baby you get. With dc1 I remember thinking what is all the fuss about. He was born with a three hour routine where he feed and went straight back to sleep. Two months it became feeding every 4 hours and by five months he was sleeping through the night. He hardly used to cry and was very happy baby.

With ds2 life was very difficult, he hated sleep and cried so much. I lost so much hair, hearing him cry day and night, worried about his sleep. He had bad reflux and cried so much. Until he got better and turned into a happy toddler. It is just a short time they are babies.

I think for me becoming a mum at the same time as lockdown has made it exponentially harder too.

No babysitters/visitors AT ALL/health visitors or midwives/face to face baby groups/coffee shops/cuddles with grandparents. Overwhelming fear every time someone comes near/coughs.

I think under “normal” circumstances the experience is supposed to be easier.

I think the thing to remember is that motherhood is not some magical other state of being - it is just you, often on your own in your house, being kept awake for hours past your “really REALLY tired” phase by being screamed at repeatedly by a person who you can’t blame because they have no other way of communicating. And that is hard.

The natural urge to protect a tiny helpless thing, and the overwhelming love for your baby (although in my case the latter grew slowly over a few months, not immediately on birth as lots of mums report) is what allows you to get through. Women saying they found this hard are not saying it to scare you, they’re just relating what their day has been like. Dd2 is 7 months old now, and i am only just starting to respond to the question “how are you?” Without staring into the middle distance like someone asked me for my war experiences in ‘Nam.

But that is me, and there are 3.5billion women in the world, so experiences will vary. If you altered the question to say “but would you do it again, knowing what it would be like?” The answer would be Hell, Yes. My daughters are amazing, and they make every day better just by smiling at me. As a friend told me before i had them, the lows are lower but the highs are higher. When i get over the sleep deprivation and they can communicate and are less frustrated, it is worth every single moment of that initial hardship to just have met them.

I'm a FTM and my daughter is 7 weeks old now. There have been some harder days - hormones take a while to settle down, recovering from the birth took a while, she's had periods of colic where nothing soothes her, waking for feeds every 2 hours, etc but honestly I feel like all the good stuff outweighs it for me. I love being her mum. Also a friend said to me recently "now you can finally understand the real meaning of the word tired - people just don't understand until they've had children". I politely disagreed with her - of course it's tiring but I've personally been more exhausted than this in my life.

The only thing I will say is that if you don't feel like you're on cloud nine in the first few weeks that's normal. I was expecting this big rush of emotion and love and it didn't come - more of a slow burner. The first few weeks I sometimes felt like I wasn't getting much back - every day was just about meeting her needs and trying to find a way to make sure she wasn't crying. But then at 5 weeks she smiled at me and I can't describe how amazing that felt.

The reality is that for some, for many different reasons, it's just a harder experience than others and you just won't know until you're doing it. Good luck with it all!

I think that there are too many variables, the Mother, the Father, the baby and any outside help.

I lived 3 hours away from family so knew I would have to do this with just me and Dh, but he has always been very supportive and hands on.

Plus it does depend on your personality, if you are a bit of a control freak then this may well be difficult because you are trying to control a situation you have limited control over.

I like routine, so I had one re showering in the morning and at least getting dressed before Dh left for work, also when I did laundry etc. Lunch was made by Dh for me in the morning, I just took it out of the fridge at lunch time. But the baby? Well that is a whole other matter. Ds1 was relatively easy although unsettled every night for 3 hours between 7-10pm. So we ate in shifts or earlier and got on with it. I had batch cooked which helped a lot.

I think going into it with your eyes open, know that babies cry sometimes for no apparent reason. Know that you will be tired, sleep when you can, hopefully your Dh will come home and roll his sleeves up and wade into the madness

I will tell you that my sons are now teenagers and being a Mum is the best thing I ever did. Even when you are awake feeding at 4am just looking at their gorgeous little face and knowing how much they trust you to keep them alive!

Actually I loved it - yes the lack of sleep was a challenge, but you get used to it; it maybe helped that I'd been waiting 10 years for a baby so I was determined to enjoy every minute of it, and despite my family's expectations I think I did ok.

I was prepared for it to be dreadful, my mum had been telling me for months that I'd never cope and that made me really anxious, but when DS arrived I somehow just got on with it, left all the stuff that wasn't important (tidying, cooking from scratch every day, thinking I needed to put everyone else first as usual) and just focussed on me and the small one.

DH was mostly helpful, and we worked out a "one night on, one night off" system so I always had a night's sleep to look forward to even if I'd been up all night the night before.

Me and DS fell into a relaxed routine (I know I was lucky that he was so easy), and of everything I remember from that time, the sleepy 4am feeds were the best, all snuggled up watching the sun come up and then both of us going back to bed for another three or four hours.

The best advice I had from the HV was to follow what DS wanted - let him set the pace and the routine rather than thinking it needed to work in a certain way. That worked brilliantly for us, within a couple of weeks I knew what he'd want when, and even when he went off-piste a few times it wasn't too long before we got back to our little pattern.

This isn't meant to sound smug, he was a dream baby and I know they don't all work like that...but get yourself as organised as possible - BF/formula all ready to go, nappies ready, clean clothes ready, a freezer full of easy heat-up food (I felt stupid making it, like I was over-reacting, but it was a godsend for the first three months), and then just enjoy as much of it as you can. If you're lucky it is a very special time, for me it was magical and the happiest I'd ever been.

Best of luck x

The first few months were the best of my life! So much easier than the pregnancy. Actually, I wished I hadn't bothered batch cooking as I had much more energy with a newborn than the last weeks of pregnancy

The hardest thing was BFing every 2 hours, night and day. But it's not like you're having to go to work the next day and between feeds babies sleep loads. I got so much more done than now my DS is 9 months and crawling/cruising!